It was instinctive, really. From the start.

Perhaps it was remembering how it felt like to be in a foreign country trying to speak a foreign language. Perhaps it was the influence of the other members, who ask cared for him.

But Yuta always felt drawn to the young Chinese boy, felt a need to protect him.

He wasn't sure whether it was mutual.

But after they debuted, Yuta didn't hesitate to show he cared. He cared for all his other members too, but Sicheng was special to him in a way he couldn't explain. It was that feeling that made him do all those things. Naturally walk over and sit down next to him. Put his arm around the younger. Talk to him. Help him.

Maybe it was fanservice, the moments where he would keep kissing him, out when he would look at the camera and say that he loved him.

But there came a point when he didn't know what he felt. Yuta became confused.

As time went by, he shrugged it off. It was just friendship. And who wouldn't want to protect the boy anyway?

He knew he was denying.

Was it love?

He quickly cancelled the thought.

But one day, when he was alone in the dorm, he allowed himself to open his mind and truly think about it. Winwin? Their cute Chinese dancer and dongsaeng, what did he feel about him?

Friends, his mind tried to tell him. Just close friends. Idol close friendship, which also involves fanservice. Because we are idols.

But that rush of electricity every time we touch is not friendship. Nor is the way you can't help but look at him. Nor is all the other small things you are trying to deny. I don't love him, he defended himself.

We are just ... friends?

Friends.

The word tasted strange on his tongue. He sighed, leaning back on the sofa.

Not friends.

You love him.

I ... don't ...

You do.

Yuta swallowed. This was exactly what he had been dreading.

I love Dong Sicheng.

*Later*

"Yuta?" called Taeyong as he pushed open the door, struggling to keep the several bags in his hands. "Some help here?"

A few moments later, the boy appeared next to him, holding the door open as the rest of the members piled inside. "Kids won't help?"

"When do they ever?" he grumbled, dropping the bags onto the couch. Yuta node half-heartedly, watching the members. Taeyong peered at the younger boy suspiciously. "Hey ... Did something happen?"

"No," Yuta lied smoothly. "Just a bit tired."

"You just look a bit out if it ... Well get some rest, okay?" Taeyong patted his head and trudged upstairs to the bathroom. Yuta glanced over to the other side of the room, his eyes following a Chinese dancer up the stairs and into his room. All the way.

He did love him.

That was stupid, he scolded himself. But there really was no point.

Just be a friend.

Be a good friend, don't tell anyone. You don't want to make things awkward, do you? Just be a good friend to Sicheng, and everything will be fine.

He wished.

Because now he knew, nothing was going well.

Every touch sent an electric shock through his body. Every word sent shivers up his back. Every look he held on to longer than necessary. He was falling harder. And he had to stop, stop quickly, before he would going too fast and he would hit the ground and break beyond repair. And he might drag Sicheng with him. He didn't want that.

He cast one last look at the boy, sitting on the sofa, laughing and talking quietly with Taeyong and Kun. His eyes were bright, happy.

He didn't want to spoil that.

He wasn't really that important to him anyway.

So one month later, Yuta decided to start drifting away. He would stop seeking him out at every chance he could get. He would stop holding those gazes. He would stop reaching to touch him. He would stop talking to him for longer than necessary. It was hard. Sometimes he would find himself instinctively outside his room, or drifting towards him through the crowd.

But he tried, he really did. He didn't want anyone to get hurt. He thought people wouldn't notice. More than that - he thought people wouldn't really care.

He was wrong.

Doyoung wandered up to him one day. "Yuta?"

"Yeah?"

"Has something happened between you and Winwin?"

Not between us, no. But to me ... "No," he replied smoothly. "Why?"

Doyoung frowned. "You just send a bit more ... distant lately. And you're almost never talking to him these days. You do know he realises?" He does?

"What?" The other boy rolled his eyes. "Well he does notice, and he's worried he's done something wrong. Speak to him, will you? And while you're at it -"

"He hasn't done anything," Yuta said suddenly. "Just tell him that. It's fine."

"Sure, I'm your free messenger for hire," Doyoung grumbled, but he left the other boy alone.

Yuta continued to distance himself. Maybe one day his feelings would have faded. Then he could be normal friends. But not now.

Three months.

Three months of torture.

Three months of less and less contact. Even in TV shows, they barely talked. Of course, they did when they had to - but Yuta kept to himself.

Hansol tried to talk to him once.

"Something is wrong," the boy sighed. "Yuta, I know you. Go and fix it. I don't like seeing you like this."

Yuta shook him off. "It is being fixed," he replied. Once I stay away long enough so my feelings will fade away, then things will be fixed.

It didn't work out how he wanted it to.

Because Sicheng had known all along. And he wanted answers.

He cornered him one day. Yuta tried to escape. But after three months, Sicheng had enough. "You're acting strange," the younger boy said sadly. "You never talk to me anymore. Why?"

Yuta shook his head. "I'm just busy ... And I need to go now so -"

"You don't have schedule." Sicheng frowned. "Are you avoiding me?"

Blinking, Yuta made a motion with his hands. "Sicheng, it's not -"

"Did I do something wrong? Are you angry at me?" Sicheng already started tearing up, his voice cracking on the last words. And Yuta's own heart felt like shattering at the younger boy's sadness.

"No, Sicheng - it's different, it's my fault, I -" My fault for falling in love with you.

"What did you do, then?" Sicheng swallowed. "That makes you run away?"

Mouth open, Yuta blinked a few times. Oceans of emotion crashed around inside his body. What to do?

But before he could speak, Sicheng continued, "Now you never even look at me. All you do is say a few words. You never talk to anyone, Kun and Hansol hyung said as well, and you're always looking sad and quiet and not telling anyone. Taeyong hyung is worried. But what - was it me? Why do you never ..."

Blank. Yuta's mind was blank. Say something.

"Your Korean has really improved, Sicheng," he said, falsely bright. "That's the most I've heard you say in a while."

"You're going off subject!" cried the dancer suddenly, and grabbed Yuta's wrist before the elder could turn and escape. "You're not telling me."

A thousand bolts of electricity sped up Yuta's arm.

"This is why," Yuta sighed, defeated. His mind was numb - he was tired. He didn't want to do anything anymore. "This is exactly why," he continued. "It's this. Don't you see? The way you make me feel. It would only make you uncomfortable if you knew, maybe you would even hate me for it. And I can't do anything about it. I was hoping if I stayed away, maybe the feelings would go. And then I could be normal friends with you again. But I can't, Sicheng. You're not letting me. I can't let this go, even though I really, really want to. I can't."

He didn't realise the tears already falling before he felt the younger boy's hand brushing the skin under his eyes.

"Then why didn't you tell me?" His voice was soft. Yuta couldn't bring himself to look at him.

"You wouldn't have felt the same way. You wouldn't have liked it, it would have made you uncomfortable. All the members wouldn't be happy. It would have been better if I - I'd just - stayed alone -"

"Hyung?" Sicheng didn't hesitate to walk forwards and wrap his arms around the elder breaking down before him. "Don't."

"I'm sorry ..." Yuta tried to control the sobs that were shaking his body. But he couldn't. Just like how he tried, and failed, to get rid of his feelings for Sicheng, he couldn't.

"Why would you think I wouldn't have been happy?" After a few moments, Sicheng, his arms still wrapped around the elder, said. Yuta shook his head slightly.

"Don't force yourself, Sicheng. You don't need to."

"I'm not forcing myself, hyung."

"For real?" Yuta pulled back slightly to see those soft brown eyes looking earnestly back at him. "You're not?"

Sicheng finally smiled. "No, hyung. I'm not." And just to prove himself, he tilted his head down slightly and pressed his lips into Yuta's.

[A/N]: flufffffffff 

Okay goodnight all ^^ sweet dreams 

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Hope you enjoyed!