"Babe, where are you?"- that was Ji Yong calling.
"Still at the set, I'll see you back home", I replied and hung up. That was a lie; I WAS at the set but shooting got cancelled so I'm alone at the beach. Ji Yong and I finally went public with our relationship and now, I think I am happy. Lately, I feel empty- very empty. I tried to tell Chae and Bommie about this empty feeling, but i couldn't bring it across. I didn't know what it was, because... i think i have always felt this way for 5 years now. I was numb...no.. i think i still am numb to everything. I couldn't cry, I couldn't voice out this numbness... this emptiness, what was this empty feeling?

Walking by the beach, alone in the afternoon was something I found soothing since 5 years ago. It was my escape.

I took out my phone to check for my next schedule or any calls from my manager (he's probably worried since i secretly escaped). It was January 19th- how could I forget? I walked my way to the subway station and took the train to Busan. I was using my mouth mask and a black hat as a disguise, people were staring at me- but none approached me, which honestly i was grateful for. As i got off the train, i walked my way to the flower shop and got a chrysanthemum bouquet- it's been 5 years. I think... I'm ready...

I took a deep breath as i stepped into the place that i refuse to enter since that day. I felt indifferent, confused and shivered with anxiousness and fear, clutching on the bouquet as if it was my rope to go back. I have to do this... i have to...

I finally arrived, i stared at his youthful self that will never age over the year, while i age alone. Weak at my knees, i slumped to the ground and had to not faint.

5 years ago, i was in denial- but now... i have no choice but to accept the fact that....

You...Are... Gone...

Reality was slapping me at the face as i stared at the source of my denial:

"In loving memories of Choi Seung Hyun. A brother, A son and a best friend"

I laid the bouquet over his grave, the grave i had never visited since he left. He should've listened, he should've listened to me.

[5 Years Ago]

"Choi! for the love of god! stop taking my phone!", I shouted, chasing Seung Hyun a.k.a Tabi a.k.a JERKFACE through the corridor.

"I'm gonna rat you out to sajangnim", shouted the culprit, and just on time, sajangnim came out from studio 2, after observing winner for their comeback.

"What is this about ratting out?", sajangnim said as i reached just on time to take back my phone.

"Hehe nothing. Choi is having his usual weird antics on bothering me", I smiled sweetly, praying to god that he doesn't question me any further. Sajangnim stared at me suspiciously as Choi his behind him, sticking his tongue out like primary kid. Sajangnim left after warning us to be quiet and do our work. I stomped my way to Tabi and stood with my chest out, huffing in anger, "Choi. I will pay you back on this", i glared at him as he smiled like its nothing to be scared about.

I went back into the recording studio and laid down on the couch, browsing through my photo album. There it was... an album i did not recognise: THE ONE AND ONLY

WHAT THE HELL?!

I opened the album and prayed that god will brace me with patience and tolerance. THAT JERK! The whole day!! the whole day i lost my phone and he took so much selfie that my storage was nearly full. This has been going on since we first met- i don't know what it is, but me and tabi just cannot have a peaceful conversation. I am older by 3 bloody years and NO! he does not call me 'noona' and freaking dropped the honorifics on day 1. He keeps making photo albums over the years that I grew tired of deleting them and decided to keep them for blackmailing purposes.

SIIIIGGGGHHHH i am too exhausted to even delete this, i'll do it later. I fell asleep on the couch and had an interesting dream.

I was by the beach, walking with Mr. X- a faceless man that always seem to be blurred out for some odd reason, we were having the time of our life when suddenly the sky turned black and rained heavily. It was more strange that I was anxious and scared in my own dream, but Mr. X held my hand and walked us to a lone old tree that stood proudly but alienated at the beach. Weird dream was the only thing i can think of at that moment. We sat down and waited for the rain to recede. It was taking forever. Mr. X turned to me and that was when i had the shock of my life- My usual faceless Mr.X, was Tabi, my very own arch nemesis. He had a strange glow to him.

"Choi! now you're in my dream, are you ting me?!", i gritted my teeth.

"Dara, don't be scared. No matter what, I'm always by your side. He held my face and caressed my cheeks- before i even get to react, he kissed me- full on. I don't know whether i should push him away, or should i scream. This was a dream, i might as well enjoy it. I kissed him back as he trailed his kisses to my neck and gave me series of hickeys. I swear to god, for a dream, this felt very real. The rain and thunder was not receding any time soon, but our make out session came to a stop.

"What...was...that? Choi", i breathed heavily.

"Dara-ya. I should've told you earlier- i took time for granted", Tabi smiled as his eyes was filled with his tears. What the hell is this dream?!

"What are you on about?", I asked. I don't know what this feeling was, but I was scared to hear his response. I was scared to wake up- what was this indescribable feeling?

"Dara. I love you", he smiled as his threatening tears that he held strongly glistened down his cheeks, "I loved you since we first met, and i still love you now. I should've told you when earlier".

"Are you alright? Seung Hyun-na, what's wrong?", this time, i was anxious- it was a premonition.

"Dara, i have to go now. Remember, i love you and always will. Be strong and don't cry", Tabi stood up and walked through the rough typhoon towards the sea. I was confused but i couldn't move. I shouted for him but my voice wouldn't come out. I saw him enter the sea and i didn't do anything. This was a nightmare! Why is Tabi walking towards the sea!!! I kept shouting his name, pleading for him to come back- but to no avail, he never came out.

"Dara! DARA!", a voice was calling for me, my scenery was slowly fading and blurring out, i was waking up. I woke up and there was Teddy-oppa waking me up with a worried look. I woke up, and looked at my surrounding- that's right, i fell asleep in the studio. I sat up and felt my face; i was crying and sweating. I saw oppa's face and he was saying something, i remembered my dream.

"Oppa... i had a strange dream", i said, i was choking up.

"what dream?", Oppa asked.

"It's about Tabi. Oppa, i don't know why, but can you call Tabi and ask him where he is?", I said.

"Why? I just called him a while ago, he's on his way back to the studio", Oppa replied.

"Oppa, jebal... call him", I pleaded- and as Teddy Oppa reached for his phone, it rang. The screen showed Tabi's name.

"Ya! Tabi, where are you?", Teddy asked.

"Hello, is the owner of this phone your friend?", said the person on the other line. The phone was on loud-speaker, and already, my heart began thumping like crazy. I don't like this... i don't like this, i was shivering in fear.

"Yes, who may i ask this is and why do you have his phone?", Oppa replied.

"Sir, your friend has been in an accident. A drunk driver collided with his car and his car skidded of the road by the sea. This phone was retrieved and we tried to call his family members that was registered in this hospital register but it was unreachable. The phone's power finally , so we called the last person he called which was you. Can you come to the hospital with his family members, Seung Hyun-ssi is in a critical condition", explained the caller.

I was numb... my dream...

"O-o-oppa..." my voice croaked.

"Dara-ya... come with me", Teddy dragged me with him to the hospital. We called his family and they were also on their way to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital and was brought over to the ICU where we saw Tabi with the machines and tubes. I walked over and held his hand.

"Is this why you said that? to be strong and not cry?", I cried.

"What do you mean, Dara-ya?", Teddy oppa said.

"I told you i had a strange dream a while ago...", i said, without looking at oppa, "it was about Tabi".

"What was it about?", he asked.

"He told me to be strong and not cry... he left me behind and walked towards the sea, oppa!", i cried, "I TRIED TO STOP HIM!! I couldn't move so i shouted his name, but my voice became mute"

Teddy oppa had to hold me as i broke down crying.

"Tabi! you jerkface!! wake up!! freaking wake up and confess if it was really you who came to my dream! come back!!", i held his hand begging. Tabi's finger twitched and we saw him open his eyes.

"Dara..." Tabi croaked.

"Youu idiot! How dare you... you walked into the sea", i cried.

"Dara-ya...", the heart monitor began beeping like crazy, his heart beat and bp was decreasing quickly, teddy oppa ran out shouting for a doctor, "saranghae... i really do...don't cry and be strong", he took his last breath and his hand weakened and fell out of my grip. The monitor beeped and doctors came rushing in, trying to resuscitate Tabi as Teddy oppa picked me up from the floor and held me tightly. Not long later, Tabi's family came in with the YG family.

After 10 minutes trying to get his heart to beat back, Tabi passed away. The doctor had his head low and announced Tabi's passing as he exit the room. The corridor was filled with tears and Teddy-oppa still had me in his arms. I told him to bring me to Tabi, to which he heeded. He puts me down and held my arm as he walked me into the room- there he was, not breathing and silent. I walked to him and caressed his face; i looked at oppa who held in his tears, "Oppa, you know... in my dream, Tabi glowed just like this". I got closer to his face and kissed him for one last time, "I love you too... so much", i whispered. I held oppa's hand and passed out.

That year, my memory was hazy. Everyday felt really long and no one knew about me and Tabi. Teddy oppa kept quiet about my dream and whatever happened in the hospital room that day. I had a mask that only Teddy-oppa saw, he stood by me ensuring that I kept my sanity. Tabi's stuff was retrieved by me and oppa as they had to hold his funereal, it was apparently a present that he wanted to give to me- a bunny toy that I eyed. He bought it, along with a ring. He wrote a letter, it wasn't long but it was straight forward:

Dara, I love you. Be mine?

x

Choi S.H

[present]

I cried and cried on his grave.

"TABI- I MISS YOU!", i cried hysterically.

"Dara-ya..." a hand held my shoulder, I turned and saw Teddy-oppa.

"Oppa...", i cried. He kneeled and hugged me as i cried and cried.

Teddy oppa told me that the manager asked if i was with him because i wasn't anywhere the set or at home. Oppa probably realised it, i kept telling him my empty feelings and how i felt like me and Ji dating felt incomplete.

"Dara-ya. Tabi said to be strong and not cry. It's been 5 years since he passed away, Dara-ya. You can't be like this..." i stayed silent and stared outside.

We arrived at YG and Ji was waiting for me. He asked me where i was, and again... i lied... Teddy-oppa covered up for me and i smiled thanking him. Ji asked me to be his girlfriend 2 months ago, and without thinking, i said yes. I thought... maybe.. just maybe... he can fill that emptiness that Tabi left.

Him loving me was something i'm thankful for, but Tabi was my first love and his existence left a gaping hole in my heart that became empty since his passing.

They said first love comes with you to the grave...

They were right.

Although i still have a long life ahead of me, i have a boyfriend that loves me... i just can't help but miss my first love. I can't and that emptiness that he left will me irrepairable.

Nevertheless...

Goodnight my love, my first love- good bye

A/N: Firstly, i apologise for not updating my 2 fanfics. i will try- but the storyline keeps changing so i am hoping to update soon. I can't promise but i am following my pace. Ayways, i hope you guys enjoy this fanfic. It's random xx I realised how ty i am with romantic scenes, so that's holding me back too. Comment if you like it xx

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