They wrapped up shooting Kony’s Wintertime two days ago and they’re already back at the dorm. All in different stages of a cold, but happy nonetheless. They’ve gotten closer than before, if that’s even possible and the prospect of what this year has in store for them is too promising. “It’s our year”, Hanbin said and they all believe it. They can’t wait to come back, they’ve been working extra hard, because touring Korea seems like a dream that keeps getting further and further away. Whenever they think they have it, they’re on a flight to Japan once again.

 

*

Jinhwan’s particularly sensitive lately. He isn’t getting any younger and he hates seeing the other members –his boys- getting disappointed over and over again. He’s glad they had the opportunity to spend some quality time away, even if the cameras were still there. So why is he in the kitchen in the middle of the night drinking wine in his underwear? All the lights in the dorm are off and here he is, his index finger playing with the rim of the glass.

 

Did I mention he’s not getting any younger? Yeah. A guy his age has needs, but that’s not exactly the problem. Sadly, it’s even worse. When Jinhwan first entered YG he knew he’s be constantly surrounded by boys, but at the time it seemed fun. Like having an eternal sleepover. Jinhwan is 23 now, he understands a lot more than back then. He knows having a crush on a guy doesn’t necessarily make you gay, especially when you run into 30-40 sweaty guys every day and none of them appeal you… except him. It’s been like this from the beginning and Jinhwan doesn’t call it “love at first sight” even in his own head because it terrifies him. What’s worse is he can’t pretend to be confused. He knows what a best friend is, he’s got Hanbin and Bobby, and though they’ve cuddled and showered together, there’s no… spark? That’s not it. Every time Jinhwan looks at him, he feels as if his stomach is trying to eat itself. He eyes the wine and wonders if he’s already drunk. He really hopes he is.

 

A sudden noise makes him look up and he finds Bobby trying, unsuccessfully, to sneak up on him. Jinhwan rolls his eyes.

 

-Sorry – Bobby mutters taking a seat and the elder can’t scold him when he flashes his bunny smile. So, he offers him wine, but Bobby declines. –So, what’s wrong? We just got here and you’re already tired of us?- He pouts for good measure.

 

Jinhwan shakes his head no and ponders. –No, I’m just thinking, that’s all.

 

Bobby hums, he looks bored. –It’s about Ju-ne, right? –The elder spits wine all over the table and a little bit on Bobby, who doesn’t even care. He’s got a smug look on his face. –Don’t even try to deny it. It’s about what he said?

 

-He said a lot of thing –Jinhwan mumbles and stands up to fetch something to clean the table.

 

-Hey, we don’t have to talk about it – Bobby says, placating- I just don’t think it should be taken so seriously.

 

-What do you mean? –the elder chances a glance at the other and, of course, only finds sincerity.

 

-Well, we all say we’d date one or the other all the time, but it’s not always true, right? Chanwoo said he’d date Donghyuk, but if you think about it… is Donghyuk the first person that comes to mind when you think about Chanwoo? All I’m saying is: it could be true, it could be random and, more importantly, it could be a lie.

 

Jinhwan hesitates –A lie?

 

Bobby smiles –As in “I’m totally in love with you, but if I put you first it’d be too obvious, so I put you *almost* last (cause that’d be too obvious too)” and let’s be honest, he put HIMSELF second, so you can’t really trust his judgement.

 

The mat-hyung sighs. Bobby has a knack for words nobody else has, but he doesn’t feel any calmer. Ultimately, he knows it’s not about what Junhoe said, it’s about what he feels.

 

-You want a cuddle? – Bobby says with half a smile, making Jinhwan laugh and fall almost immediately in his embrace. It’s nice and warm, and everything the elder didn’t know he needed. Unfortunately, the relaxing scene is interrupted by none other than Junhoe stepping sulkily into the kitchen. He looks at Jinhwan and Bobby briefly and resumes his trip to the fridge. He takes a bottle of water, slams the door shut and walks out.

 

Jinhwan, concerned, searches for Bobby’s gaze and the other is grinning. –Yeah, that’s a liar right there. You should talk to him. –He, then, gets up and goes back to his room, leaving Jinhwan positively baffled.

 

*

 

Jinhwan knows he has to talk to Junhoe, but he doesn’t know where to start so he tells himself he’s just waiting for the right moment. He vows, though, to make it up to the other for mistreating him since that stupid question arose. Really, can’t they stop asking them those kinds of things? He huffs in annoyance and goes to the door to put on his jacket and shoes. In this kind of life there’s only one thing that always works: ice-cream.

 

He gets back and finds Junhoe watching TV alone. He walks towards the sofa and taps his shoulder. –Hey, wanna watch something with me? I got us ice-cream

 

The taller doesn’t even manage to respond when there’s a chorus of “ICE-CREAAAM” coming from the kitchen door and, suddenly, Jinhwan has both Hanbin and Chanwoo trying to pry the bag from his hands.

 

-Hey, there’s only two here, hyung – Chanwoo whines.

 

-My… -Hanbin says quietly, grabbing his chest –My… choco… cone?

 

 

Jinhwan spots Bobby watching this whole scene amused. The other gives himself one more second of fun and then offers to take Hanbin and Chanwoo to the store for choco cones. They leave, but not without whining a bit more about Jinhwan always preferring Junhoe.

 

He sits on the sofa and starts unwrapping his ice-cream but stops when he realizes Junhoe’s staring at him.

 

-Why did you only get two?

 

-I didn’t have much money –the taller clearly doesn’t believe him, judging by his unimpressed look- Ok, I wanted to share with you. What’s the big deal? –And this is not going how Jinhwan wanted it to go.

 

-Oh, so you’re all cold towards me during Kony’s Wintertime for absolutely no reason, but you bought ice-cream for me. Consider me touched.

 

Everybody thinks Junhoe’s sass is funny but sometimes Jinhwan wants to kick his face (he told this once to the other but what he got in response was “if only you could reach”). He knows he’s at fault, though, so he tries to relax.

 

-I know, I’m sorry. Please take this as a peace offering – Junhoe takes the ice-cream without breaking eye contact, making the elder shiver. He, then, turns towards the tv. –What do you wanna watch?

 

The taller mulls it over –Well, we should take advantage of the fact your boyfriend took dumb and dumber away…

 

-My what? –Jinhwan interrupts dumbfounded.

 

-Your boyfriend –Junhoe replies, dry.

 

-Wow! That’s rich, especially coming from a guy who put me 6^th in his list of appearances.

 

Junhoe barks a loud laugh –So that’s why you gave me the cold shoulder? That’s so shallow of you, Jinan –There’s venom in his voice- Why would it bother you so much?

 

And Jinhwan wanted to be civil, but this guy here? He’s not making it easy for anybody. –Are you ing kidding me, Ju-ne? –He kneels on the sofa and plants a kiss on the younger’s lips. He gets no response at first and then there’s a hand on his chest pushing him away firmly but gently. Junhoe’s eyes are filled with rage.

 

-I can’t believe… -he starts, out of breath- I can’t believe the lengths you’ll go to just to prove a point –He stands up quickly and the elder tries to follow him. –Stay away from me.

 

Jinhwan get startled by Junhoe’s and Donghyuk’s room door slamming shut. The only thing he can do now is wait for the others to return.

 

*

 

When Bobby, Hanbin and Chanwoo return, the dorm is eerily quiet. Hanbin calls Jinhwan’s name but there’s no reply. Chanwoo excuses himself and goes to his room, where Yunhyeong is already asleep. Hanbin and Bobby share a look and walk together to their room. Upon entering they find Jinhwan on Bobby’s bed, playing a game on his phone. He has the most dejected look they’ve ever seen on him and that’s saying something.

 

-What happened? –Hanbin asks but it’s not his leader voice, it’s his concerned friend voice and Bobby’s heart swells with pride for this boy.

 

-I messed up- Jinhwan answers and his voice cracks. Both rappers nod at the same time and they lie on the bed, sandwiching their tiny hyung. They don’t talk about it.

 

*

 

An hour later there’s a knock on the door. It’s Donghyuk, he’s just woken up and asks if they’ve already eaten, while cutely rubbing his eyes.

 

-No, but we should –Bobby says and Hanbin agrees. –Go fetch Junhoe and we’ll join you in a bit

 

Donghyuk nods, half asleep, but returns half a second later. –He’s not in our room, though. I thought he was with you.

 

The original three look at each other and jump from the bed. They check Junhoe’s room and, indeed, he’s not there. He’s not in the living room, the kitchen, any of the bathroom’s… Soon Yunhyeong and Chanwoo are also up and confused.

 

-What’s going on? –Yunhhyeong inquires. Bobby’s about to tell him when Jinhwan interrupts him.

 

-Nothing – He knows he’s got three pairs of eyes digging holes into his nape but it’s important not to bring panic to the dorm. He has to fix this himself. Yunhyeong looks at Hanbin but the leader only nods and then smiles. –I’m gonna get food.

 

-Hyung, it’s freezing outside – Chanwoo exclaims and almost tries to stop Jinhwan from putting his shoes and jacket on.

 

-It’s ok –Hanbin says and now he’s using his leader voice. –He’ll be back in no time. Let’s play some FIFA. –Nobody looks convinced but, after a few seconds, they do as they’re told. Minus Bobby, who stays by the door.

 

-Do you want me to come with you?

 

-No, I have to do this. Listen, this is important… Don’t call him. I think I know where he is, so don’t occupy his line, ok?

 

Bobby nods but still looks concerned.

 

-Ok, you can totally do this.

 

Jinhwan grins, only because it’s Bobby. He’s not so sure he can do this, after all.

 

*

 

Jinhwan calls Junhoe’s phone and, as expected, he hears it ringing a few feet from him. Junhoe’s sitting on a bench by Han River. It’s freezing and there’s a light drizzle falling. The elder approaches the bench and sits down.

 

-How did you know I’d be here? – The taller asks without looking at him.

 

-It’s where you used to come when you were a trainee, right? –He gets a nod in response. They stay silent for a few minutes. Jinhwan inhales and feels the cold enter his lungs. It hurts. –I’m sorry for kissing you – He mutters, breaking the silence- I mean… I’m not… not for kissing you, just for doing it the way I did. Without giving you any explanations –He waits for Junhoe to say something but is met only by the howling of the wind. Jinhwan huddles into his hoodie –I wasn’t trying to prove a point. I’ve felt like this… forever. It was stupid, I just always though there was something about us… even if it’s not romantic, you know? Just hearing you say I was almost last in your list, made me feel you were denying me.

 

-Well, I’ve said you look ier in your underwear and that your sweat can be a charming point –Junhoe huffs suddenly, taking Jinhwan by surprise.

 

-I…

 

Junhoe sighs deeply, staring at the river, his gaze unwavering. –When I first entered YG, I was a different person. I remember thinking everybody was my enemy and I had to beat you all to win and debut. Not many people liked me, but you and a few others did. –Jinhwan watche’s Junhoe’s beautiful profile as he reminisces and that time seems so far away. –It was a night like this one, maybe even colder. We had practice and we were exhausted. You only had a thin sweater and you were shivering –the elder can’t believe the other remembers that night so well- So, I lent you my jacket… -Junhoe stops for a moment a smiles- You looked so tiny in it… and looking at you I thought I was gonna throw up…

 

Jinhwan frowns and Junhoe looks at him for the first time that night. There are dried tear tracks on his cheeks.

 

-I didn’t understand back then –Junhoe continues, gazing towards the river once again- I couldn’t let myself understand. But then, one day, I did. And I tried with all my might, Jinan, to not let it show and here we are. –He turns his head and waits for the elder to say something.

 

-You did a good job, I guess – the younger looks at him like that’s not what he wanted to hear –I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you, Ju-ne

 

The taller boy turns on the bench towards his hyung and kisses him deeply. His plump lips almost engulfing the others, guarding him momentarily from the cold. When they separate, Jinhwan understands how hard it must have been for Junhoe to open up so much, but he can see every single word in his eyes.

 

-You’ll always be number one on my list –He says, smoothing Jinhwan’s hair down.

 

-Even before yourself? –Junhoe grins and the tiny hyung smacks him- Yah! We should get back

 

-I don’t wanna go back –he pouts and cuddles the elder.

-It’s freezing

 

-I’ll lend you my jacket

 

Jinhwan gazes at him, his eyes soften. –You had a crush on me, that’s cute

 

Junhoe curls his upper lip – Ugh! I hate you, let’s go back –He stands up, but the mat-hyung takes his hand. They smile at each other, before Junhoe kneels on the ground to kiss him again.

 

-Jinani –he whispers and the other hums quietly- I’m cuddling with you tonight. Not Hanbin and definitely not Bobby, okay?