Pain. Fear. Exhaustion. It’s all I ever feel these days. But why...? Why was I born into this world just to suffer due to the repetition of words, of days, constantly repeating and repeating to the point where all I want to do is

Die?

The puddle around me felt as though I was a fish straight out of the water. It hurts, and I think it’s soaking the carpet. I guess I should have bought a tarp to save mom the trouble. I guess that’s all I ever was, so what’s the point anyway? . Things will never change.

Wake up. Eat. Sleep. The process is so well known, human beings find it humorous enough to put it on t-shirts. It’s all I could ever think of. How sad are we in the sense that we find it funny, hilarious even to laugh at our own flaws, at our own misery.  What is there to live for anymore?

I am a disappointment, a failure. Why else would I be picked on? It only goes to show that I am weak. How come the only people who try to get to know me, use me for their own benefit? It goes to show that I am just a pet. Why does nobody love me? Why does everyone I love have to leave me? So many questions, yet no one with the answers. It gives me a pitiful sense of nothingness in the howling abyss. What is there left for me?

Every single day of my life, I woke up feeling ashamed of being the person I was. It made me feel anxious, as if there was a large lump in my throat that never seemed to fade away.  Anybody that I would talk to about this, only told me to go talk to somebody else. It was a long game of simon says, until i was fed up. No one wanted to listen to me, no one wanted to talk to me except the voices in my head.

The people in my life perhaps? Mom? Who has only tried to bring the best out of me. Don’t just survive, but thrive against the world. If I recall correctly. That’s what she used to say that to me, but in the end, I still failed you didn’t I Mom? Dad? I never became the son that you wanted.

I didn’t join the baseball team like you wanted. I couldn’t get into the university like you wanted. I never met your expectations like you wanted. There was never anything you could brag about to your friends, when you went out late, to the bar, trying to drink your problems away. I don’t want to be the barcade that stops to light from shining. There was nothing you could talk about even distantly related to me, that could bring the shine in your eyes. Nothing. Nothing at all.

I’m sorry I was never good enough for you. I guess it was a bad idea to only have one. It’s not too late though, you can find someone better, someone with being around.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

The pain is getting stronger now. I don’t know how much longer I have. Maybe a few minutes, a few seconds? Right now, it feels like it’s been hours.

I can hear the clock ticking near my bedside table. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

As I close my eyes, I then start to drown in the thoughts that have embraced me for so long.

For so long, I felt like this was the only thing left to do. But, maybe I can be better. Maybe, I can try to be somebody worth remembering for once. For once in my life, maybe I can be someone I can be proud of. I guess I didn’t live long enough to realize if I had any potential at all. Wait. What? I can’t think straight, the loss of crimson is getting to me. What am I doing? Me? Having any potential?

No.

No.

No!

I just kept to myself, locked away in my own agony. My own agony? My own life. Nothing was valuable in my life. I am worth absolutely nothing. I was only a coward, who never tried to escape the demon’s cage, even when the entrance was wide open. I pity my family to having given birth to an insignificant alien.

My head is pounding, throbbing like the heart of a sinner in church. I open my eyes once again, only to be faced with the glaring, bright, red lights of the time on the clock. 6:27. They’ll be waking up soon. At least, I won’t be here when they see this pathetic wap on the floor. I look around my room one last time. I soak up the atmosphere around me although I’ve been around these walls for so long, I could be a part of them. As I tilt my head, I notice a blinking light in the corner. How stupid of me. How pathetic of me.

I don’t want to die.

What can I do now though? I brought this upon myself, and there is nothing left to blame, but the voices inside my head. Nothing left to blame, but the insanity I have bestowed upon myself.

6:35. My eyes are getting droopy now, and I can’t seem to fight my way out of this. My clothes are as drenched as a homeless in the rain, and my hands are ice. Everything feels awful, I just want to go to sleep. Why didn’t I just do this on my bed? At least then, I could deteriorate in the welcoming hands of my blanket. I guess it doesn’t really matter what I regret, and what I don’t now though.

What was I thinking? I gave up a long time ago. I almost convinced myself that I was serviceable. What is the point of living anyway? It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you’ve done. In the end, everyone perishes like a spec of dust in the wind as if we ceased to exist.

6:37. My lips are stone, my heart has given up, and I can feel the life escaping my battered body.  It is time to say my final goodbye to this god forsaken place.  The darkness’ hands intertwined with mine as we dance together into the void of annihilation. Am I free? Am I finally free? A sigh of relief fills the air as I take my departure.

Life gave me many lessons, regardless of the size. Whether it was life changing, or not, but there will be one that will go with me past the grave.

Nothing in life lasts forever, Not even life itself.