Days like this were the hardest for Yuta. Days where he just wanted to disappear. Never to be seen again.

He knew he couldn't do that though. People would be sad if he did that, and Yuta could never make anybody sad. That's why nobody knows his secrets. Nobody knows why his fingers are red or why he constantly has cuts everywhere. Why he never puts on weight. The reason why not a single soul knows the sound of his cries. Nobody knows who he really is.

Yuta is currently in a hotel room with some of the members. Laughing when they are laughing. Talking when necessary. None of it real though. Everything is done to hide his true feelings.

Yuta doesn't even know which members are in his room. He is too deep in his own thoughts to care. Too deep in his own scary world.

It isn't before the door closes and Hansol says his name he notices the rest have left. He doesn't care though. He knows he said goodbye without even trying, like he always does. Hansol says his name again and this time Yuta smiles. A huge smile. The smile everybody loves. The fake smile.

Hansol smiles back. Yuta personally likes Hansol's smile more than his own, but he never said that. If he said that people would think he doubts himself, and people can't think that. People can't come that close to the truth.

"We should sleep." Yuta says the words as if nothing is wrong. By we he means Hansol. He wants Hansol to sleep so he can do the ritual he does every night he feels like this. The ritual that makes the cuts come and the weight go away. The ritual that hurts, but feels good at the same time.

Hansol only nods at his words and walks to the bathroom. Yuta quickly follows. He knew he had to do that. He knew he had to act as he normally does. And normally he and Hansol gets ready for bed together.

They don't talk much as they stand in the bathroom. Just the normal stuff. The lies Yuta knows by heart. How wonderful his day was, how he is excited for the next. The things everybody wants to hear. The things Yuta wants to be true, but they're not.

Goodnights are exchanged as they go to bed. Yuta wants to go and cuddle with Hansol, but if he did that he would have to explain like last time. Last time he could put it on nerves, but today he can't do that. He can't get away with that again. He knew that. So instead he laid in his bed and waited for Hansol to fall asleep. Fall asleep so he could do his ritual.

Yuta knows Hansol falls asleep fast. He knows he doesn't have to wait long. So while he waits he thinks about how he would have reacted if Yuta told him everything.

If he told him about the reason behind his cuts. The reason behind his red fingers. The same reason as the rest. His depression. His deep rooted depression. He knew he would never do that. In his 2 years of having it he hasn't told anybody. Not even the doctor. He wishes he could master the courage to tell the doctor. So he could get some pills, but he would never be able to do that.

When Hansol's breath sounds calmer than normal he stands up. Getting his mind and body ready. The tears are already forming in his eyes as he looks at the sleeping body in front of him. He wished he could be asleep like him right now, but he can't. He has to do the ritual. He has to do it as every other night like this.

He slowly makes his way to the bathroom, making sure not to wake up Hansol. He doesn't turn the lights on until he has closed the door behind him. His heart beats a little faster when he notices the door doesn't have a lock. He just had to make sure not to wake anybody up then. Not to wake Hansol up.

Yuta goes over to the toilet first. He opens it up and crouches down. Ready to get it over with. He has tears streaming down his face now, but that's normal.

Something that isn't normal is for him to make sounds as he cries. He never did that when he cried like this. If he cried in front of somebody he would m