You can play this while reading > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tQ48LvoD_g (BTOB BLUE - STAND BY ME)

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“Let’s break up.”

Those three words managed to make my heart shattered into pieces as I looked at you in disbelief. Your face has no expression when the words flow out of your mouth so easily.

“W-what? Y-you’re kidding, right?” I laughed and neglects it as a joke. But I stopped when I looked at you again and you are staring at me with a serious eyes.

“Youngjae-ah.”

“I don’t think we should continue this relationship, Daehyun. I don’t want to cheat on you because I…”

“You what? Why?”

“…I’m in love with Jaebum.”

I scoffed at your answer while holding back the tears that are ready to fall onto my cheeks. The noisy sound in the park suddenly turned deaf as I was still processing with your words, refusing to believe whatever I heard just now.

“H-how could you- You can’t. What about me? I love you, Youngjae. I really love you. Please say that you’re joking with me, uh? Right? You’re kidding, right? You wanted to prank on me because today is our anniversary, right?” I took your small hands in mine while pleading desperately. I stared into your beautiful eyes and tried to find a lie between them but you just stared back with a pity look.

“Youngjae, please say something. You can’t possibly leave me hanging, uh? There’s no way you’re in love with Jaebum. You love me, right? I-I’m sorry if I did something that you don’t like or whatever is it that beyond my conscious state. I’m so sorry. Really. Just say something other than that because you know I can’t live without you. I need you, Youngjae. So please...” I begged pathetically.

You broke the eye contact, gently pulled off your hands of mine and stands up from the bench we sat. I frowned in confusion as I gazed my eyes on you.

“I’m sorry, Daehyun.” As you said the last words to me, I saw you walked away from me. I was too stunned to do anything. Even the tears finally shed onto my cheeks very slowly, I just stay there like a fool.

 

 

 

 

>>><<<

 

 

 

 

It was a lunch time and I am here, sitting with my friends, silently watching you and Jaebum from a far. I ignored the conversation between my friends because you’re all I want to see. I don’t know how to describe my feelings when I see you’re so happy with him. You were smiling so bright like a sunshine. Your sweet laughter burst so loud when he’s making a joke or funny face and you’re hitting him out of your habit. I smiled a bit at this but soon it flattered when I realized that you’re not with me anymore. Those smile and laughter are not for me anymore and I still here, longing for you. Ever since that day you broke up with me, I just couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you. Even the nights have become longer without you as I waits for you to come into my arms again. The image of you going further away… I’m unable to sleep because of it…

Youngjae-ah, did I do something wrong until you’re mad of me? Is it because I always teasing you? Or is it because that I always fall sick that you’re tired to take care of me? Is it because my love for you is not enough? What is Jaebum have that I don’t? Or is it because I’m just have nothing compared to Jaebum? Or…

…Am I just a third person between you and him?

For all this time you’re with me, you don’t love me at the beginning, right?

Forgive me for being selfish but I just want you. I’m so giddy and thirst for your love. I want you to be mine only. I want to be the only guy that you ever had look in your beautiful eyes. A guy who stupidly in love with you, a guy who cares you so much than other people, a guy who wants to protect you all the time, a guy that will be there whether you’re happy or sad, a guy who willingly to be by your side…

What did I have done to you until you’re so cruel to hurt me like this? You’re not fair! You didn’t give me any chance to make things goes right.

Youngjae… Please give me another chance… Please come back to me…

A flicking finger in front of my eyes snapped me out of my thoughts as I blinked stupidly at my friends. A concern look was shown all over their faces. They were completely aware that you were there with Jaebum, eating at the last table of school café. They also the one who witness how bad I hurts when you decided to leave me and go to Jaebum. I cried pathetically in front of them until I don’t have any tears while they silently comforts me with a hug.

“Daehyun-ah, are you okay? Why are you not eating?” Himchan is the first one asking me with brotherly voice. I stared at them with no expression while I stirred my bowl of soup with a spoon at a slow pace.

“I’m not hungry.” I said in a quiet voice.

Recently, I had lost my appetite and I’m no longer a Jung Daehyun who loves food and keep eating even I got scolded by so many people around me. Including you. I don’t have any answer other than “I’m not hungry” if they asked me why I’m not eating or I refused to eat. Even I’m eating something but it was just a little. That’s all because Himchan was willingly to feed me.

Jongup and Junhong looked at each other worriedly as Yongguk sighed heavily. Himchan who was sitting beside me, calmly take my spoon out of my fingers before he scooped some soups and brought it to my lip.

“Try it. It’s delicious, Daehyun-ah.” He said cheerily and that’s how I spend my lunch time with them.

 

 

 

 

>>><<<

 

 

 

 

In one of those lonely nights, I was sitting alone on my large bed as I hugged my knees to my chest while thinking of you. My eyes were staring boredly at the white envelope that I got this morning from my maid. A piece of paper was sticking out of it before I choose to take the A4 paper and read it again and again.

Youngjae-ah, is this a fate for me?

Is this one of the signs that made you left me?

Is this one of the signs that I should stopped for loving you?

Is this one of the signs that you’re better off with someone else than being with me?

Youngjae-ah…

You knew that I used to hate farewell songs, right? But somehow it comforts me now. I hear all of them every nights when I couldn’t sleep because I’m missing you. Sometimes I cried when I remember our memories and sometimes I just stayed there, listening to all those hurtful lyrics. The bed felt empty without you accompany me.

However, tonight, I decided to scroll on our old pictures in my phone while tracing on your features delicately. From your beautiful eyes to your long eyelashes, your button nose that I like to poke, your rosy cheeks that always turned to crimson when I’m teasing you, your sensitive ear when I blow on it, your smooth and fluffy hairs and your small lip that I can’t help but to kiss it passionately…

I unconsciously smiled when I saw your pictures doing an aegyo after I persuades you to do it. At first, you’re not fond of it but suddenly it become your habit when you wanted something from me. You knew that I can’t win over you when you’re making such a puppy face.

But now, I can’t experience those memories again. Those precious times when I am in love with you… you’re still in my memories… I’m holding on them so that I won’t forget you.

I put down my phone on the bed and staring at the white ceiling of my room. But then, I choose to switch off the lamp before looking up to see a bunch of stars comes into my view. I remember those stars were placing there because you said you loves to see it in the night. I gazed at them with half-lidded eyes as the sleepiness drained out my body.

Youngjae-ah… I love you so much. I really really really love you. I never regret for loving you.

But for once, I felt relieved that you broke up with me so I did not have the need to hurt you.

 

 

 

 

>>><<<

 

 

 

 

The days went passed as I am still trying to get over you. I tried to be cheerful and bright like I used to be before which finally making my friends smiled at me and continue to be like that until one day, I suddenly fainted in the class. It is not surprising to me because I had fainted so many times before this. Except this time, I knew the reason of it.

When I'm awake from my unconscious state, you were there with a concern face as you asked me if I was okay. I almost forgot that we’re already broke up if Jaebum doesn’t come to look over me. He has the same expression as you but he just keep silent.

“Daehyun!” Himchan rushed to me as soon as he and my other friends reached the infirmary room. Jaebum and you moves to aside as you gives Himchan your space.

“Yah, are you okay? Youngjae told me that you’re fainted out of the blue.” Yongguk asked worriedly.

“I’m okay, hyung. Don’t worry too much.”

“Of course I’m worried! Who doesn’t, uh? You’re not eating well recently.” Himchan hit my shoulder gently.

“You scared me, Daehyun hyung.” Junhong pouts.

“Yeah, Junhong’s right, hyung.” Jongup agreed. I chuckled, showing my crescent eye smile along with my kitty cheekbone. Himchan helps me to sit up on the bed and putting a pillow behind my back to support my weak body.

“Eyy, you guys acts like I never fainted before? I’m okay. It’s nothing though. Probably I’m just tired because the mid-term exam is around the corner. You knows I have to struggle a little bit consider I have a bad grade last year, duh.”

“You don’t have to if it will affect your health. What if it get serious, uh? After all, we saw you are not feeling well lately. That’s why I don’t like the idea of you struggling just because you have a bad grade.” Himchan nags at me.

“What Himchan said is right, Daehyun-ah. If you’re feeling unwell, tell us. All of us are worried about you. Don’t endure it by yourself.” Yongguk joined Himchan as the maknaes line agreed with their hyung’s words.

“I’m okay, hyung. Jongup-ah. Junhong-ah. Seriously. Don’t you believe in me?” I pressed the word ‘seriously’ to emphasize what I have said.

“Of course we do, hyung.” Jongup replied.

“Then trust me. I’m okay.” I glanced at you and Jaebum who were listening our little conversation silently. “And thank you for bringing me here, you two.” I sends a kind smile which surprised you and him.

“…y-yes. It’s not big deal, bro. I also was shocked when you suddenly fainted without warning.” Jaebum responds on behalf of you. I stared at you for a quiet time before hesitantly asks,

“C-Can I talk with Youngjae? Ten minutes is enough, I think.”

You were looking at me, once again surprised with a sudden request. You turned your head to Jaebum, asking a permission through eye contact as he thinned his lip and nodded slowly. My friends who were understanding, they walked off the room with Jaebum tagged along. Then, it was just the two of us alone inside with an awkward silence.

I gazed down to my lap while trying to find a word to say something. It’s been a long time we were talking to each other since we broke up and I didn’t even realize how long it is. Maybe… a month?

“What… do you want to talk about?” You asks.

Youngjae-ah, do you know how I miss to hear your sweet voice? How longing I am to hear you sing a lullaby to me every time I want to sleep…

“Uh… are you doing well?”

“…I am. And you?”

I clears my throat and looking up to you. “I am too.”

And then, we drifts off into silence again. I stared at you very long than I should be because I just missing you badly.

“Is Jaebum treating you well? Are you happy with him?”

Our eyes met each other as my heart was still beating like usual when you looked at me. I always love your eyes because they were pretty. They were shining like a star when you smiled brightly.

“Yeah. I’m happy with him.”

I nodded nonchalantly, acting like I don’t care with your words. Truthfully, it’s hurt when you said that you’re happy with Jaebum but not me.

“It’s relief to hear that.”

“Daehyun… what do you want to talk about? I have feeling it is not only that you wanted to ask me.” You repeats your first question again. You knew me very well until I can’t hide anything from you.

Youngjae-ah… forgive me for being selfish. Forgive me, Jung Daehyun, the guy who was once you loved. I just want you to be my side. Just this once, okay? I promised that I will disappear from your sight once I had enough.

“I want to ask you… if you want us to stay as friends?”

“Well, it’s quiet hard for you but since you’re happy with Jaebum now and I’m over you, so I think it is okay to be friend. I promised I will not disturb or even try to destroy your relationship because I won’t do that. I’m happy if you’re happy, Youngjae.” I finished my sentence before you have a time to reply my burden request.

Please stay by my side a little longer. Stay a little more so I can smile when I see you. Just please…

“…Okay. Friends.” You flashed me a kind smile while putting out your small hand, waiting for me expectantly.

I returned your smile and connecting our hands together. “Friends.”

Yoo Youngjae, my sweetheart…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, love.