Jinhwan has been seeing Haru for the past two months. It’s been nice and smooth so far, she’s cute and friendly. He’s not in love but he can see himself falling for her. She’s uncomplicated, something which’s not easily found in his everyday life. The time for promotions ended a week ago and they have something akin to a vacation, so he’s been having little dates with Haru here and there, always as inconspicuous as possible.

 

He loves his boys to death, but being the eldest weighs on his shoulders sometimes, especially regarding certain members. Bobby, Donghyuk and Yunhyeong can fend off for themselves pretty well, but the other three… Hanbin’s a great leader, but he’s too young and he bottles everything up to not bother the others and then he simply explodes, so Jinhwan feels compelled to always be attentive of Hanbin’s mood and feelings. Chanwoo’s a great kid, he’s respectful and cute and those chubby cheeks can get him anything he wants (especially from Jinhwan) but he IS the youngest, and still so insecure that he only takes criticism and never praise. As for Junhwe… god, he can’t even begin to analyze what brings them together so tight. Jinhwan doesn’t feel he has to protect him per se, but Junhwe is a really REALLY sensitive guy beneath all the sass, and he’s heard him crying himself to sleep countless times. What really attracts Jinhwan to him is the fact that he’s so different from his “famous persona” or what people seem to believe of him (including a few of the members).

 

Jinhwan hasn’t really seen them these past few days. He had coffee with Donghyuk and helped Yunhyeong with a new recipe. Hanbin’s been texting him nonstop talking about everything and nothing, but he actually finds it kinda cute, so he doesn’t complain. He’ll be spending almost all year with them beginning next week, so he’s ready to enjoy his “mom vacation” as Chanwoo had called it, right before giving him a bear hug and running to steal food from Yunhyeong in the kitchen.

 

*

 

Jinhwan and Haru have just finished watching a movie and are calmly strolling through the streets of Seoul. She’s smiling and she looks somewhat ethereal in the moonlight. Jinhwan smiles too. He drops her off at her apartment and gives her a goodnight kiss. She grabs him by the collar suddenly and he almost crashes into her.

 

-Do you wanna come inside? – she sounds breathless and a bit embarrassed but tries to hide it. Somehow, Jinhwan doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Unfortunately, he finds it very hard to say no to people who matter to him, so he starts to nod his head in assent, when his phone rings.

 

When he sees the caller ID, he instantly worries. Chanwoo never calls him so late, cause he knows how worried mom gets (Chanwoo’s words, and he would really like if the brat would stop calling him mom).

 

-I have to take this – he tells Haru, smiling apologetically. She nods, a bit miffed. Jinhwan steps aside a little towards the street while his phone rings and rings and rings.

 

-Chanu-ya? What’s wrong?

 

At first there’s no response. Actually no sound at all and then he hears a small grunt.

 

-Chanu?

 

-God, Hyung.. – he says, strained, and after a few seconds he carries on- He’s so heavy, Hyung. How the do you manage him? You’re so tiny…

 

He seems to be rambling and still Jinhwan doesn’t understand if he should be worried sick or mad.

 

-Language, Chanu-ya. Who are we talking about here? What happened? Do you need me to come over there?

 

Jinhwan suddenly hears a loud bark that suspiciously sounds like the word no and it’s not Chanwoo’s voice, but the sigh that follows definitely comes from the Maknae.

 

-I don’t want him here- and after hearing that gruff voice, Jinhwan doesn’t need to ask again who they’re talking about.

 

-Is he drunk? – the Mat-hyung tries not to sound too judgmental, but he’s not very good at that.

 

-Yeah, Hyung. He looks like he drank an entire bar and he reeks of cigarettes. Ow!

 

Chanwoo suddenly shouts into the receiver and Jinhwan has to put the phone away from his ear.

 

-He hit me, Hyung! – and Jinhwan rolls his eyes because Chanwoo doesn’t sound as physically harmed as he sounds personally offended.

 

-Are you in his apartment? – He doesn’t wait for the answer- I’m coming over.

 

He immediately ends the call, cause he knows it’ll lead absolutely nowhere. When he turns around, Haru’s still standing at her door, hugging herself and shivering a little. Jinhwan feels like .

 

-I’m so sorry, Haru. Really… I just…

 

-I know- she says quickly, sniffling a bit. Jinhwan doesn’t know if it’s because of the cold or if she’s trying not to cry. –I know- she repeats.- I understand, it’s ok

 

But she doesn’t look like it’s ok at all and Jinhwan would stay and comfort her if it weren’t that the matter at hand concerns one of his boys.

 

-I’ll pick you up tomorrow. I promise. We’ll have dinner at that restaurant you like so much, ok? I’m really sorry – he pleads and resorts to a puppy face that practically no one can resist. She smiles a little and nods. They wave goodbye and Jinhwan is just happy that he averted another problem.

 

*

 

He’s in a cab, watching the lights go by and everything’s so silent. It’s not that late, but it’s a week day, which makes this situation all the worse. He feels pity for poor Chanwoo having to handle a drunk AND bratty Junhwe, when the kid could be out there having fun, playing games, bothering Yunhyeong. It’s not that Junhwe likes to party (he likes it, but on a normal level for his age), but lately he’s been getting pissed so bad that he doesn’t really function for a few days afterwards and, though they don’t talk about it, they all think that’s it not out of fun that he does it. He’s been downright miserable the past few months, but he’s smart. On stage and promotions, he looks the same, he’s funny, sassy and energetic. He never stays alone long enough with any of the hyungs, knowing that they’ll probably ask him what’s wrong. If it’s all of them, he generally turns back to his old self, if not, he’s eerily quiet.

 

He knows Donghyuk won’t ask him out of respect, Bobby because they will always be kind of awkward, Yunhyeong because he probably feels it’s not his place, Chanwoo because he fears being hit, Hanbin because he understands the need to be left alone and Jinhwan…

 

Ok, Jinhwan’s been busy these past months. Not only with Haru, but with promotions and taking care of his kids as well. But he’s not stupid. Junhwe’s been avoiding him like the freaking plague. No more late night movies, no trips to the store for snacks, nothing. He’s beginning to think that this “mom vacation” wasn’t the best idea. You know when your kids tell you to go, that everything’s alright and then you come back and the house is on fire? That’s pretty much Junhwe right there. Jinhwan thought than since the guy was avoiding him in the first place, leaving would settle him a bit, but it seems to have had the opposite effect.

 

He’s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t realize the cab has stopped at the door of Junhwe’s apartment. He pays the driver and hastily enters the building.

 

*

 

Chanwoo is trying to help Junhwe from the floor (obviously not succeeding) when there’s a knock at the door. He sighs, relieved. He drops Junhwe back on the floor unceremoniously, not even listening to his cursing and runs the few steps to the door to open it. As soon as he sees his Hyung he hugs him tight.

 

-Thank you SO much for coming, Hyung. He’ll listen to you for sure, and if he doesn’t…well, at least I don’t have to listen to him

 

Jinhwan gives him a warning look, cause even if Junhwe’s being a brat, he doesn’t condone this petty comments between them. Chanwoo has the decency to look chastised, something he only does for his Mat-hyung. And if Jinhwan is proud of that, well… nobody has to find out.

 

Chanwoo lets Jinhwan in, but runs to the kitchen immediately after that, mumbling something about a glass of water. The tiny hyung watches Junhwe from the door, sprawled out on the floor, almost like a starfish if he wasn’t partially sitting against the wall.

 

-Ju-ne – he tentatively calls but, as expected, there’s no response. He waits for Chanwoo to come back with the water but, of course, it was just an excuse to leave them alone. Really, that kid…

 

Jinhwan kneels on the floor, not too close to the younger. He’s not afraid he’ll lash out, he would never, but the older understands his need of personal space (maybe that’s exactly why Junhwe doesn’t always get along with Bobby… and why Hanbin likes Bobby so much? Yeah, no, not thinking about that right now). Junhwe is really silent, he seems asleep. Jinhwan is about to head to the kitchen to really fetch a glass of water when a minute movement of his head makes him see the tears in Junhwe’s cheeks. And the Mat-hyung has heard him cry at night, when he thought everyone was asleep, but he never SAW him. It’s a bit earth shattering, seeing a person so collected fall apart. Jinhwan almost wants to cry with him.

 

-Ju-ne- he whispers- Just let me help you to bed. Sleep it off, we’ll talk tomorrow if you want

 

Junhwe shakes his head and a few tears fall from his face to his lap. –I don’t want to talk about it- he mumbles and of course it’s what he would say.

 

-Ok, we don’t have to talk about it but this has to stop – Jinhwan replies in his most “yeah, you’re tall but I’m older, so shut up” voice.

 

Junhwe looks up at that, actually making eye contact with his Hyung. If Jinhwan tought he could joke a bit to avert the situation, he was wrong. The younger looks tired, sad, angry and altogether fed up.

 

-You won’t be here tomorrow – he says, matter of factly

 

-What’s that supposed to mean?- And, yeah okay, Jinhwan’s getting a little riled up cause Junhwe’s never been this difficult towards him before. There’s no answer and the older huffs in annoyance. –This really has to stop, Ju-ne, whatever this is…

 

Jinhwan stops his rant when the other looks at him like he’s in physical pain and a sob escapes him.

 

-Ju-ne? – and the mat-hyung is no longer frustrated, he’s terrified.

 

-I didn’t want this – Junhwe starts, patting his chest lightly, tears streaming down his face- You think I asked for this? You think I don’t want it to stop? Hyung, I pray every single night… -he stops to breathe-… I don’t want it. I don’t want you

 

Jinhwan’s heart has been breaking with every single word, even though he has no idea what Junhwe’s talking about. But when he hears the last sentence, everything becomes even harder to understand. He looks at the younger boy, just looking for an answer in his expression and thinking about the past few months, racking his brain but he can’t find it.

 

-Why? Why don’t you want me? – That’s not what he meant to ask, but the question is lingering in the air and he can’t back out now.

 

-I don’t want you like this

 

-Like what, Ju-ne? –he whispers, close to crying.

 

Junhwe gets up on his knees and he’s suddenly towering over Jinhwan, almost the same as if they were standing.

 

-Don’t cry, Hyung. It’s not worth it

-You’re worth it – Jinhwan replies, searching his eyes.

 

The younger shakes his head. –No. You deserve everything. You deserve someone nice and cute. Someone good…

 

-Ju-ne, what…

 

-I’m gonna love you forever, Jinan. I promise. Even if I don’t want to, I will. I may not be good or cute, but I’ll be there.

 

Jinhwan feels hot and cold all of a sudden and the words get stuck in his throat. Junhwe suddenly stands up and runs to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. The older just stays kneeling on the floor, looking at the wall where the other was just leaning and nothing makes sense, but everything does. Junhwe avoiding him, the parties, Haru. Jinhwan slowly stands up, and just as he’s debating between going to the bathroom or running away from the apartment, he sees Chanwoo standing by the kitchen door with the goddamn glass of water. He’s got the deer in the headlights look that he masters so well.

 

-Did you know? – the Mat-hyung asks, and he kinda already knows the answer. Chanwoo simply nods. –Should I stay?- the younger looks a bit weirded out by the question, probably because he’s not used to his hyungs (especially this one) asking for his opinion in any matter. He recovers somewhat quickly and shakes his head no. –Ok, I’ll be here tomorrow though. Can you stay with him?

 

-Yes, Hyung- at this Chanwoo replies instantly. Cause, even though Junhwe is generally a sassy brat, they ARE good friends and he knows he has to stay. Better him than Jinhwan in this case, since the cat is out of the bag. –I’ll take care of him, just… -he pauses for a second, second guessing what he’s about to say.

 

-You can say it

 

Chanwoo sighs. –Can you text me before you come? I don’t wanna stress him further – he blushes a bit, as he does every time he thinks he’s overstepping a boundary. Jinhwan completely understands where he’s coming from, though, so he assures Chanwoo that he’s right and says goodbye, not without giving a last look towards the bathroom. No sound comes from it and Jinhwan leaves the apartment.

 

*

 

Jinhwan wakes up later than he should after a fitful night of not-sleep. He checks his phone for messages. There’s about 34 messages from Hanbin telling him about a game he was playing last night with Bobby, which he lost, so why is he so happy?, 1 message from Donghyuk telling him to rest and eat well and don’t worry too much about them (if only he knew) and 1 message from Chanwoo. He doesn’t open it right away, pure dread consuming his body, but he’s got to be brave, for himself, for Chanwoo and especially for Junhwe. He takes a deep breath with his eyes closed and then opens the message. It’s short. The Maknae tells him that Junhwe managed to reach his bed and stopped throwing up and crying at around 3 AM. Yes, it’s short, but it breaks his heart all the same. He should have known, right? He should’ve seen the signs, should’ve connected the dots. Maybe he could’ve spared Junhwe all this pain. He knows it’s not his fault, but the guilt IS still there and he knows it won’t go away. He might be a bit of a masochist, but he doesn’t want it to go away, cause it goes to show how much he actually cares for Junhwe.

 

Jinhwan is getting up when a new message comes in and, for whatever reason, he panics. He checks the screen and deflates when he sees it’s from Haru. She bids him good morning and “tentatively” asks if their date for today is still up. Jinhwan doesn’t want to go, he’s got too much in his plate right now, but not going means fighting with Haru and that’ll just complicate things too much. So, he tries to sound cheerful, though he doesn’t know if he succeeds, and tells her he’ll pick her up at 6 for an early dinner. He doesn’t tell her that he’ll have to leave early, he’ll just use his puppy eyes when they’re face to face.

 

Jinhwan doesn’t receive any messages for the rest of the afternoon.

 

*

 

Haru sits down in front of him at the restaurant, smiling like it’s her birthday. Jinhwan tries to smile too, but he can’t stop thinking about the anguish in Junhwe’s face and it hurts too much. Haru doesn’t seem to realize something’s wrong, so Jinhwan doesn’t try too hard.

 

They’re eating and chatting, something about one of Haru’s coworkers, when Jinhwan’s phone beeps with a new message. Haru stops dead in her tracks and eyes the phone warily. Jinhwan is surprised with the attitude, it isn’t even a call.

 

-Everything alright? – he asks, trying to diffuse the tension (if there is any tension to begin with)

 

-Ah… yes – she replies, squirming in her seat. –It’s just…

 

-Just what? – Jinhwan tries to sound curious, but he’s a little bit offended as well.

 

-Well, it’s just… your friends… I mean… not all of them. They’re nice. But that guy… Junhwe? It seems that he’s always trying to get your attention when you’re with me…and… well, I don’t know. Maybe I could introduce him to one of my friends? He’s a bit clingy for a friend – she laughs nervously at the end and blushes a little bit. Jinhwan would’ve found it really cute in another time, but right now he’s annoyed at 3 things:

 

1. Haru actually noticed Junhwe trying to get his attention, when even he didn’t.
2. Junhwe’s NOT clingy. He’ll happily introduce Haru to Hanbin and Bobby, and she’ll learn what the word clingy really means.
3. She’s not introducing any of her snake friends to him

 

And, ok, maybe snakes is a little bit too much when he doesn’t even know them, but it’s not like any girl suits Junhwe. He’s too honest for his own good and sassy and smart and he always steals food from other people’s plates (Jinhwan’s mostly) and he’s a noise pollution machine and he always wears those black short shorts that make old ladies talk. He’s definitely not for anyone.

 

Jinhwan blinks, trying to get out of his own head and even though Haru is calling him, he checks his phone instead. The message is from Chanwoo, a simple “are you coming, Hyung?” with a smiley face, cause he always sends the smiley face, except when he’s sulking. Jinhwan finds himself smiling sincerely for the first time that day. He gets up, grabs his wallet, leaves enough money for the whole meal and takes his jacket.

 

-Jinan? – Haru asks, and she sound concerned. –Where are you going?

 

-I have to go – he answers, already walking towards the door of the restaurant.

 

-Will you call me later? – she says loudly, causing the patrons nearby to look at them both.

 

-Probably not – Cue the door closing after him and he feels pretty badass for that exit. There’s no doubt right now as to where he should be. He replies Chanwoo’s text quickly, telling him he’ll be there in 20 minutes and hails a cab.

 

*

Jinhwan knocks on the apartment door and he wasn’t nervous before, but he is now. A few seconds later, he’s greeted by twin monster #1 drying his hands with a dish towel. He didn’t expect for Yunhyeong to be here but he’s grateful, because Junhwe needs to eat, and twin monster #2 can’t cook for his life.

 

-Hey – Yunhyeong says with a warm smile, stepping aside so Jinhwan can enter the apartment. And to any bystander it might look as a mere greeting but the mat-hyung sees everything in the other’s eyes. Something akin to “Hey, my evil twin already told me (because he tells me everything or I won’t feed him) that Junhwe confessed his undying love for you, so we’re gonna be in the kitchen while you two talk and then you’ll tell us everything. Right? Right”. –He’s in his room, he won’t eat. Maybe you can do something. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me

 

Yunhyeong smiles one more time before walking towards the kitchen. Jinhwan watches him go and when Chanwoo steps out to the kitchen, he manages to throw a “Hyung” in his direction, just before twin monster #1 gets him back inside with a hand on his face. Those two are gonna end up married or killing each other, or worse: both.

 

Jinhwan walks to the bedroom and doesn’t hesitate. His palms are sweating and he knows he’s not breathing very well, but this has to be done and he’s gonna do it. He knocks once and immediately opens the door. The room is quite dark, only the bed lamp on and Junhwe is laying on his bed, an untouched bowl of soup right next to him. He lifts his eyes when Jinhwan enters and then lowers them again. The tiny hyung sits on the opposite side of the bed to give Junhwe space.

 

-I don’t wanna eat – the youngest mumbles, pouting. Jinhwan would laugh at how incredibly endearing that look is on the other but now’s not the time.

 

-I know… after last night I don’t think you could keep it in – he mulls quietly

 

Junhwe lifts his head so fast that he might get whiplash. Jinhwan knows what’s going through his head. In any other moment in time, the taller would’ve curled his upper lip in distaste, showing his complete diva side and said “I know, right!?” and then his eyes would’ve softened knowing Jinhwan was the hyung that was always on HIS side.

 

They stay silent for a few minutes and Jinhwan knows he’s gonna be the one to talk first.

 

-We’re gonna have to talk about it – he starts – I know you don’t want to. I know it hurts, I saw it. I hope you know the last thing I want is to see you hurt, or worse, to hurt you myself. But we can’t just pretend that it’s not there. I need you to tell me everything… -Jinhwan inhales deeply and looks Junhwe in the eye – I need you to tell me what you want, Ju-ne

 

Junhwe looks confused. –What I want? What…

 

-What should I do?- the smaller asks kneeling slowly on the bed.

 

-Jinan, what the hell… - the younger puts his hands in front of himself, effectively stopping the other´s advance. –Jinan, what are you doing? Don’t do this to yourself… what… what about Haru?

 

Jinhwan looks like he’s been slapped in the face. –What about Haru? She’s out of the picture. She should’ve never been in the picture to begin with. Why are we talking about her?

 

-God, Hyung… No… Don’t do this, please – It’s the first time in all the time he’s know Junhwe that he’s seen him beg

 

-I want this

 

-You don’t

 

-Why not?

 

-It’s me, Hyung

 

-I know it’s you – Jinhwan resumes approaching the other on the bed till he’s kneeling right beside him. –It’s always been you, hasn’t it? –Junhwe looks at him with such sadness but he can see another emotion there and it’s exactly what he needs, hope.

 

-Hyung…

 

-I know you’re not exactly nice – says Jinhwan taking Junhwe’s hand in his – You’re actually a bratty diva, too loud for this planet and probably too tall… you’re good, your own brand of good. Silent, caring and sincere. But you know what’s more important than all that?

 

-What? – the other asks in a small voice, playing with his hyung’s fingers.

 

-That I wouldn’t have you any other way, Ju-ne. You’re everything to me, even if you’re not

 

Junhwe quickly covers his mouth with his unoccupied hand, trying to stifle a sob but tears are already cascading from his eyes. Jinhwan pries his hand away, to be able to dry his tears.

 

-Can I kiss you, Ju-ne? – he asks after letting him cry a little more.

 

-I’m a mess – he responds, though he seems eager.

 

-You’re always a mess – Jinhwan tells him with his most serious face

 

Junhwe slaps his shoulder and laughs a loud a beautiful laugh. He moves his hand from said shoulder to his hyung’s nape and looks him in the eye.

 

-I’m not dreaming, am I, Jinan?

 

-Don’t get sappy, you’ll have me for the rest of your life to watch stupid romantic movies with you

 

Junhwe nods and smiles bashfully, which kind of throws Jinhwan out of his game, he’s never seen that one. But he doesn’t get much time to dwell on it, cause Junhwe’s kissing him with his full lips and even if he’s a mess, he’s real and so full of love. They stay like that for a while, not so much kissing as looking at each other fondly, smiling, playing with the other’s fingers and kissing a little more.

 

-Hyung, I wanna see

 

Jinhwan and Junhwe almost jump on the bed. They look behind them to find Yunhyeong covering Chanwoo’s eyes by the door.

 

-You’re too young for this

 

-Aish, you’re the innocent one out of the two. I’m the evil twin, remember?

 

-You’re not my twin, Chanu-ya! Stop telling people that!

 

They’re not even paying attention to Junhwe and Jinhwan anymore, it’s always like this, they get lost in their own little world. A short cough stops them, though.

 

-You can… leave now – The eldest says and looks pointedly at both twins. They know the look. They both say their goodbyes and a few minutes later, they hear the door locking.

 

Jinhwan turns around to find Junhwe looking at him funny.

 

-What?

 

-I just really like it when you get all bossy, Hyung – he accompanies his deep voice with a perfectly raised eyebrow. Smiling like a shark when he sees the other’s face going completely red.

 

-Aish, brat!

 

-But… you wouldn’t have me any other way, right?

 

Jinhwan knows it’s not gonna be nice and smooth. It’s not gonna be uncomplicated. But, anyway… that’s not what love is, right?