Strangely, I know better about the end so I’m sad, I’m sadder
When I look at you when I look at you
I see you for the last time, you’re still pretty, prettier
When I look at you when I look at you
G-Dragon, “Window”

-Son Chaeyoung-

I had been a drug peddler since I was eight years old.

The thought made me smile, and the smile made me wince.  My busted lip punished me for such careless control over my facial features by delivering a sting that traveled up over my scalp, and blood trickled into my open, gasping mouth.  The copper tang threatened to mix with the bile that had been threatening to come up from the beating I just received, and it took everything in my power not to gag.  

Taec oppa crouched down next to where he had thrown me into the alley, taking a slow drag of his cigarette in thought as he looked at me with kind eyes that didn’t match the angry kicks he’d been delivering to my abdomen.

He had been my teacher and mentor, taking my mother and I under his wing after my father had died.  He’d guided me through the only life I had ever known, one of petty crime.  

That is, he had done so until I betrayed him for a better future a year ago.

He was the only father I could ever really remember – the deadbeat that had contributed to the cells within my body had died from complications of being a drunk, debt-ridden gambler.

The official cause of death was suicide.  However, everyone knew my father died from being a weak willed, pathetic coward.

“Oh kiddo,” Taec oppa said wistfully, his voice sounding sad as he my hair.  I could see his eyes narrow, even as my own vision was starting to gradually get obstructed by a contradiction of bright starbusts and fading darkness.  My hair wasn’t the shoulder length he’d insisted I’d maintain growing up; no, I’d allowed it to go past my shoulders when I’d pursued art instead of crime.  

It was another sign that I’d left him behind.

He gripped my hair hard in his hand and my lungs spontaneously tried to expand to let out a scream - I knew from the pain that one of my broken ribs must have punctured the left one.  Nonetheless, I tried to reason with him, reaching a hand up to grip his in a plea.

“Please…oppa…give me a chance…”

He shook his head, and I felt his lips press against my forehead fondly, even as he twisted the hair around his fist viciously.

“The only chance I will give you, Chaeng, is to live tonight.” He murmured, and I felt my body trembling from the gradually settling shock that was overcoming me.  “I do this out of the respect I have for your mother, and the lingering affection I have for you.  But if I ever see you again…I will kill you.”

His voice was soft and soothing even with those words, and brought to mind the nights he’d tuck me into bed to sleep while my mother did the best she could to keep a roof over our heads. He’d sing me lullabies in the same tone of voice, tell me bedtime stories.

That voice made me feel so sleepy…

“Chae?” called a panicked sounding, feminine voice in the distance, and I gripped his hand harder, jolted out of my shock by the sound of her voice.
“Op…plea…don’t…”

“Shh lucky one,” he pressed his finger cruelly against my lips, the cut that had begun to scab over starting to bleed anew at his rough treatment.  I saw him nod to one of the men that had been keeping a look out for any unwanted interruptions and he stood, giving me one last look before flicking his cigarette carelessly onto my body.  I felt the sting of ash hitting my cheek, but it was dulled compared to all my other injuries, both external and internal.

“I won’t harm your little girlfriend…unlike you, I know my place in the world.” He gave me an ironic smile at the jibe and delivered a final parting kick to my already broken ribs.  I screamed in fresh pain, curling into the fetal position in a vain attempt to protect myself after the fact.  

My world had very quickly diminished down to three simple things – pain, cold and regret.

Then my world became nothing at all as I slipped from consciousness.

***

When I first saw Chou Tzuyu, I didn’t know that was her name.

I had been sitting by the window of a café, idly drawing on a napkin as I waited for my product drop to arrive.  I dealt in any illegal items that were small enough to carry at the third rate school I went to – cigarettes, , drugs, stolen media or jewelry.  I never knew what I’d get until the drop came, and it was always up to me to figure out where and who to peddle to.  

It was the only thing I was good at, adapting to different situations.  I had been the bread winner of my house for nine years now – if I wasn’t good at it, my mother and I would be homeless or dead.

I didn’t know that I was apparently good at drawing until a knock at the window signaled for my attention.  The look I gave the girl when I gave her my attention had been expressionless while she gave me a little wave to greet me.  

She was wearing an obviously expensive school uniform.  Her hair was perfect, and straight, and framed her fox-like face beautifully.  It was obvious, even though my orientation to her was marred by my sitting, that she was taller based on her long legs alone.  

It was like seeing a painting of an objectively idyllic world that would never exist – it was pretty to look at, but what was the use in having any sort of response?  I might as well be gazing through a telescope at Saturn or Jupiter.

She didn’t exist in this world, in my world.

She pointed down and through the window towards the sketch on my napkin and gave me a thumbs up gesture with a smile that seemed to brighten the world around her, and for a moment I felt a little bit of yearning.

How would actually seeing that smile in person feel?  Would it be like the sun’s rays touching my face?

I raised both eyebrows and rested my chin on the palm of my hand, regarding her.  She was just so obviously full of…optimism.  It was something I rarely saw in the neighborhood I grew up in – people were never optimistic, and they were only nice if they needed or wanted something extra.

The girl was undeterred by my stare, however, and she merely stuck a piece of gum in to chew for several seconds.  She held my unblinking gaze with her own, unafraid, before using the new adhesive to stick a brochure to the window for me.

As she walked away and I stared at the brochure for an arts school, a foreign glimmer of hope boiled up from my chest.

Yes, Chou Tzuyu was my savior that day.

***

I didn’t know that her name was Chou Tzuyu until I heard the whispers around me repeat it in silent, awed chants while the student body gossiped about the girl non-stop.

I’d been accepted into the school with a full scholarship, much to my disbelief, my mother’s delight, and my oppa’s ire.  The expensive fabric of the uniform felt so uncomfortable, the cleanliness of the building so surreal…

The only explanation to all of this was that I was dreaming.

According to the unending whispers about this Tzuyu girl, she was the daughter of the Taiwanese ambassador.  Everyone wanted to either be her or be around her, for various reasons.  Political, mostly – a lot of these brats seemed to be the children of either celebrities or politicians, and mostly saw Tzuyu as a rung to be placed in their social ladder.  A few apparently sought to be near her out of sheer attraction, and that made me even more disgusted.

Apparently, according to these people, she was only good for social or arm candy and nothing else.

Tzuyu.  Sounded like Chewy, to me and my uncultured eardrums.  I was starting to really get annoyed by this Tzuyu girl, and I hadn’t even met her yet; was she so amazing that she had the entire student body and most of the faculty intoning her name like some sort of holy cipher?  

I found my answer when I saw the girl who saved me, who gave me a glimpse of a life I could lead, looking through her locker by herself.  I quickly made my way through the small crowd around her, oblivious to the connection as I approached the tall goddess and gave her my best smile.

Smiling wasn’t something I was used to, and my cheeks hurt from the force of it.  

However, when she looked over at me and gave me one in return, mine only grew.

“Hi…I don’t know if you remember me,” I began, feeling nervous as she closed her locker and straightened to look down at me from her full height, expression amused but not condescendingly so. 

I’d really underestimated her length.

“I just wanted to introduce myself.  I’m Chaeyoung.  Son Chaeyoung.” I elaborated, offering my hand to the girl.  She smoothly took my hand between both of hers as if it were precious, our eye contact sparking something in my heart.

“Chou Tzuyu,” she’d replied, her voice shy and soft.

That was the moment I fell in love.  

That was the moment I ruined my life.

***

There was only one place where we were on equal footing, and that was when she was lying down next to me, when we’d laugh at everything and nothing and her soft lips would caress mine.  People at school called me her little ankle biter, but I didn’t care – they were jealous, and not even over the right thing.  They thought I was just her lackey that followed her around the school grounds – they’d be dying at the perceived injustice of it all if they really knew about our relationship.
If it wasn’t my waist being caressed right now, my scalp being massaged, my mouth being tasted, I’d envy even a discarded piece of trash on the side of the road for being touched by her.  If it wasn’t my legs twined with hers while we simply let ourselves be with each other, I’d envy the clothes she’d pull on and reject during her hours-long shopping sprees.  

We were both bare and holding each other, two universes colliding in the dim light of her room, and it was nearly impossible to keep from crossing the line from heavy petting to making love.

“Chewy,” I whispered between kisses, my caresses rough compared to her gentle touches.  She never complained though – she loved me, loved that I was so possessive of her.  She accepted who I used to be, and wanted the ‘us’ that we both could picture so clearly in the future.

Ten months.  It had been ten months since she’d given me that brochure.  Ten months since I discovered a passion and talent in art.  Ten months since I discovered a light at the end of a tunnel I hadn’t realized I’d been living in.

It’d also been nine since I first built up the courage to kiss her.  Nine months since I agreed to be her secret girlfriend.  Nine months since I started climbing up the side of her house practically every night before going home to show her physically how much I loved her but stopping just shy of performing the act.

I wasn’t worthy, at least not yet.  That is the excuse I tell myself every night when I force myself to leave her arms and ignore the disappointment in her eyes. 
I was a nothing less than a thug, and until I was good enough to be with her, I couldn’t bring myself to stain something as precious as her with my sullied hands.
All the previous nights, I had come and gone without notice.  Tzuyu was quiet in how she expressed her pleasure, all ragged breaths and hot, moist pants against my cheek when I’d caress the most sensitive areas of her body. 

That night, however, was different.

That night, I’d gone too far, gotten too lost in my need to see her ecstasy, that when I brought her to with my touch for the first time we’d both been shocked by the ragged cry that left her lips.  

Time had stopped for me as I watched the most beautiful person in the world become even more so as she rode the pleasure I’d given her.

In reality, we’d only had a few seconds of shy, intimate happiness before our private world was shattered.

***

When I wait for you alone
It’s like I’m on another planet
From here to where you are, how long it will take
I wonder, but can’t imagine

Come over to me a little faster
It’s so dark here for me without you
Here I am with my arms wide open
Ready to hug you anytime
Baek Yerin, “Across The Universe”

- Chou Tzuyu -

It’s been two months since my father forced me to sign the restraining order.  

Two months since the subsequent result of that action caused my Chaeng to be kicked out of school to be kept away from me.

It hadn’t mattered to him that I was legally an adult – I am a decorative extension of his public image, and his image had no room for a daughter who was in love with another woman…much less a poor one.

I look down at the broken, nearly unrecognizable body I have cradled in my arms.  My vision is blurred by the tears running down my face as I study her.  
It was small solace that she was still alive – she was drowning on dry land judging from the blood caked at the corners of , and she resembled more a broken bird than my lover.  My driver was going as fast as he could, I knew, but it did not stop me from screaming at him to hurry to the hospital.

It’d taken far too long for me to gain the man’s allegiance away from my father, and longer still for him to use his morally gray connections to find Chaeyoung.  When we’d finally gotten a lead stating an arms and drug dealer by the name of Ok Taecyeon was scheduled to meet with a former associate of the same name, I knew we had to find them quickly.  

Although she’d always been bluntly honest about her upbringing as a criminal, she’d been vague when talking about the man who’d been chiefly responsible for it.  She always held me on this pedestal and refused to let me come down it to meet her at her level, acting as if knowing her true living situation and the people that formed who she was would sully me in some way.

All she told me about this Taecyeon was that she’d hurt him by leaving the life behind, and that she loved him as a brother and father.

What I’d learned from third party sources was that the man was cruel and twisted; a pimp on top of a dealer, with a small group of men willing and able to do his bidding.

And what I was learning now, with my own eyes…

“Tzuyu…” she exhaled, startling me out of the fogged panic I was in and I cupped her cheek carefully so as not to elicit pain from the bruises.

“It’s Chewy, remember?” I joked, trying to keep my voice even as I positioned myself to be in the line of sight as her eyes opened in small slits.  She swallowed hard with a grimace, and then stiffened in obvious pain.

I knew it was a cliché, but I didn’t care – I was willing to do anything to take away her pain and suffer in her stead.  I didn’t even want to think about what she’d been doing the past two months; without the school providing for her, her mother unable to generate a stable income…

Tears fell from the outer corners of her eyes and she breathed a plea that made my grip on her clothes tighten.

“Let me die…”

***

I didn’t let her die.

Although, at times, the injuries she sustained made it very difficult.

Shortly after that request, her eyes had closed once more and hadn’t opened since.  Weeks went by, and when I wasn’t living my false life as Tzuyu the faithful daughter, I spent every waking moment by Chaeyoung’s side at the hospital.  My driver was working overtime covering for me and my absences, and for that I was grateful – although I was now at the point where I didn’t care if we were threatened once more by politics.

I wasn’t going to let Chaeng be alone, and I’d already taken the steps necessary to make sure my father would have no more authority over me.

I held her dominant, resting hand between mine and quietly admired it, resting my cheek against the nail beds.  

It had taken me weeks to drum up the courage to share that brochure against the window of the café.  Every day I’d pass by the building, and every day I’d see her sketching on napkins, too lost in what she was doing that she’d never noticed how I’d blatantly stare at her pencil from a mere foot away.  

It was as if we were in two worlds nearly touching, yet universes away because of that one window.  On a whim, I’d tapped the glass and made contact with her, and from the moment I saw reflected in her eyes the same hopeless despair that I felt every day in my heart, I knew she was my soul’s mate.

 “Wake up,” I whispered softly, gently squeezing her hand and swallowing a lump in my throat.

“I need my midget ankle biter,” I tried to teasem rubbing her forearm in a gentle massage.  It was a small gift, that her dominant hand and arm had been spared fracture – after all, when she woke up, she’d need something to do in order to alleviate boredom.

“I’m scared,” I admitted quietly, glancing at the heart monitor that I barely understood after the past few weeks visiting here and sleeping on the couch.  It was steady and unchanging – that was all that was important to me.

“You know how I am,” I continued, biting my bottom lip as I poured my fears to my lover.  I wondered how she could look so peaceful when fighting for her life, and immediately strayed from those thoughts.

“I don’t know how to take care of myself…if you’re gone, I’m going to be all alone and hopeless.”

“I’m not going to ask if I made a mistake…I know I haven’t,” I defended, just imagining her calling my choice to abandon the security of wealth and status ‘stupid.’  Growing up in that world, I knew that wealth and security wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.

But I also knew that, having grown up without it, it’d be one of those things she’d have a very hard time trying to understand.

“The only mistake I made was agreeing to signing that…that ing order and getting you kicked out of school.” I hissed with self-loathing as I looked at her face.  “If I had just…just fought against it then, instead of now, you wouldn’t be in this position.  It’s entirely my fault…”

Her lips moved suddenly triggering my fear and excitement.  I stood up and hurriedly leaned closer to her, hoping against hope that it was a sign that she was awake, rather than some sort of muscle reflex as the doctors liked to label everything.

 “…stop…talking…chewy… this hurts…”

I giggled at those words and cupped her cheeks in my hands; the sight of her eyes opening was like the sun coming out from behind the darkest clouds in the rainy season, and it filled me with hope when she gave me a weak smile.

I didn’t know how life was going to go, now.  I didn’t know what life looked like, outside the shelter of money and power.  I’d been honest, when I said I was afraid
But there was one thing I knew was unwavering, unchanging, and hopeful: Chaeyoung was going to be okay, which meant that we were going to be okay.

And we’d figure it out.