That's the first thing that came to Jongin's mind as he go out from bathroom from taking a warm bath. Water drips on his forehead and nape, but he didn't mind at all as he shrugs the previous shirt he wore before he took a bath.

'Stop using shirts that you already wore! You'll smell like your dried sweat!'

He can hear a small but oh so familiar voice inside his brain scolding him that made him smile.

It's cold. And Jongin wants something warm. He doesn't have any option but to drink a cup of warm coffee. He's out of powdered chocolate and coffee is the last option. Tho it will just make him grimace and make his stomach flip from too much acid.

He toes at the kitchen and walk pass the kitchen counter where containers of coffee and sugar lies in. Taking a cup out of the neat storage, he hurriedly skip a certain black printed cup. It will just make his stomach flip without drinking the coffee. As he stir the mixture of the coffee he make and took a sip how it taste, he thinks it lacks on something. Maybe sugar. So he adds another half spoon of sugar, sour taste of the remaining acid stays on his taste buds and makes him want to vomit. While adding a bit of sugar again for the second time, there's the nagging voice again.

'don't put too much sugar, Jongin! You know how diabetic you are!'

A tight but soft smile made its way on Jongin's face. Making his way to the balcony, he can feel his feet adapting the coldness of the tiled floor. It makes the pad of his feet a bit numb, but he prefers it that way. He wants the coldness. And then, there's the nagging voice, again.

'Jongin, how many times do you want me to remind you that the reason why I put a pair of slippers there is because you need to need wear it?! The floor is cold'

Kyungsoo doesn't want to put any carpet near the kitchen. 'carpet is for the living room only, he reasons'. Kyungsoo doesn't like sweet coffee because he thinks coffee is not coffee without it's natural bitter taste. Kyungsoo doesn't like to wear anything that he wore before. 'its still clean yeah but I'm hear to wash the clothes. Why do you have to wear it again? And bacteria, Jongin! Sweats!'

Kyungsoo doesn't like lots of things. And he applies it to Jongin because he doesn't want Jongin to catch a cold. Or for Jongin to not catch an acidic stomach. Or for Jongin to not catch a skin disease. That how Kyungsoo takes care of him.

That's how Kyungsoo used to take care of him.

A faint ring of something creeps inside his whirlwind mind and realise it's his phone. Fishing the gadget out of the pocket inside his pyjama pants with a bit of struggle, he unlocks the phone to see a familiar cheeky smile on his wallpaper. It makes his stomach twist in a weird way. How a simple smile beat a coffee from making a stomach acidic? Only Kyungsoo's. Opening the message he got from Chanyeol, a worker from the company he's working and a close friend, he heaves a sigh. He knows what's inside the message without looking at it, but he open it anyway.

·Jongin, when are you planning to go to work? Its your fourth day without attending works and meetings. We need you here.·

Jongin took a sip of his slightly warm coffee while waiting for another message that came without a bat of eyelashes.

·Jongin, please. You can't be this irresponsible. Its been 5 months..·

He can't be this irresponsible. A nagging voice again of Kyungsoo waking him up from the bed because he needs to go to work and 'Jongin wake up and make me proud' that always, always makes him so productive in work. But it's been 5 months since he last heard those encouraging words. No, it's been 6 months. Chanyeol was wrong.

·6 months. Not 5.· he replies shortly.

·Thanks God you're alive! I really thought you won't reply. So what? You'll go to work tomorrow? Tell me you are because Jongin a company won't work without their ing CEO. Come here quick and stop making Junmyeon covering up for you·

Jongin wants to tell Chanyeol that being a CEO is not what he wants for life. It is Junmyeon's habitat. Being a hardworker and a leader runs on his older brother's veins. That's why he doesn't know why his father gave him the position to run their company. He didn't get the chance to tell him that it's not what he wants for his life. But he never really care that time about his own ambition. Because he has Kyungsoo beside him. Its more than enough. And now, he doesn't know how he's still breathing living alone in his unit. Doesn't know why he's still here standing and contemplating weather to tell Chanyeol what he wants. But it's Kyungsoo who only knows. Kyungsoo is the only one who knows he wants to dance. Kyungsoo is the only one who supports him and the only one who never gave a single glance of pity on him. Instead, he saw a glint of adoration and respect in Kyungsoo's wide eyes while he tells him how he starts dancing at the age of 5. How he proclaimed his own self that he's a ballerino and tells him every ballet etiquette tho he knows Kyungsoo merely listen and just look at him with fond smile. And maybe Chanyeol doesn't have to know. Maybe it's meant for Kyungsoo only has to know.

·I'll try.· he replies before going back to the kitchen and threw the remaining coffee on the kitchen sink.

---

It's one of those nights. One of those nights where he couldn't sleep and guilt and regret occupies his whole system. It's one of those night where he's praying for Kyungsoo to suddenly appear on his sight and jump on him and tickles him for being a stubborn adult guy. How much he wants to just hold Kyungsoo in his arms and never let him go. It's been six months, but the hole inside his heart keeps on getting bigger as the list of 'nights without kyungsoo' getting longer as time goes by.

He suddenly remember how Kyungsoo always spoon him from behind. Or how he insist for Jongin to cuddle him and squeeze him to death. He remembers how Kyungsoo has this habit of kissing his neck while they're cuddling that always end up of him on top of Kyungsoo while watching the latter wriths under him after a glaze moment of making love. Jongin fists the blanket more to his face from the memories of Kyungsoo giving him a shy smile after a series of curses and begging.

He curls his body more in the center of the bed as he the memories of Kyungsoo shedding tears while kissing him because Kyungsoo couldn't contain his feelings sometimes and have a weird timing for confessing his love for Jongin. A whimper from the back of Jongin's throat came as he remember those memories of shy smiles on first dates. A sob rips out of his tight lipped mouth from remembering the first kiss they shared inside Kyungsoo's music studio. The sob turns louder from the memories of exchanged 'I love you' and 'I love you more' between them under the dark sky of the night. Jongin sobbs more as the memories of clumsy first time of making love. How they cried from too much love for each other. How Kyungsoo kissed his forehead for the love he gave him. The sobs turns louder as Jongin curls himself more into a small ball inside his thick blaket in the center of the bed as the image of Kyungsoo walking out of the door with those tired eyes. Jongin remembers those 'I don't know where is this going anymore' words as his throat catch the hitches he's making from crying, the dark patch of wet in his blanket keeps on getting wider as he let the memories nags him again.

And Jongin knows it won't be the last night of those nights.