“So you have kissed a boy.”

At these words Youngjae’s hand startled, and the tip of his pencil snapped off and flew into oblivion, little bits of led crumbling off the severed stick. He had walked right into the trap. Again.

“I was, like, 10, okay? He was curious and I agreed to help him out. It’s not a big deal,” Youngjae pulled a blue plastic pencil sharpener from his bag.

“You admit it!”

Youngjae tried to ignore the warmth rising in his cheeks, and turned his back to Junhong. “Yeah, so what?” He twisted the pencil in the sharpener above the trash can to the side to avoid getting little wood shavings all over the bed. “It’s not like I’m actually gay.”

There was silence as Youngjae sharpened his pencil, and he turned around to be met with an extremely unamused look from his friend. “What?”

In response Junhong simply raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Apparently,” Junhong sighed and turned back to his textbook, doodling little figures hanging and dangling from the edges of letters.

Youngjae could’ve sworn he saw a hint of disappointment flash across his eyes, but before he could say anything Junhong was talking again.

***

The common room was supposed to be a safe place; free of harassment, allergenic foods, overly-touchy public displays of affection, and homework. But it never was, thanks to a certain someone who Youngjae swore had a serious addiction to his boyfriend; the latter constantly attempting to remind him that, no, they couldn’t make out there and no, he wouldn’t take off his shirt.

Unfortunately today was one of the days on which Jongup’s own reasoning failed him, and there Youngjae stood, leaning on the doorframe, glaring and Daehyun, who was seated on and straddling his boyfriend’s lap with hands rested on his hips. Youngjae cleared his throat loudly, but neither of the two seemed to notice. All he wanted was to use the kitchenette. The ramen wasn’t going to make itself, and he certainly didn’t need the help of these two in making it hot enough for the water to boil.

With a growl he snatched a pillow from one of the couches and swiftly brought it down across the back of Daehyun’s head.

“Ow, , you bit me!”

“I bite you all the time,” Daehyun defended, moving his mouth towards Jongup’s neck.

“Not my tongue,” Jongup placed a hand over his boyfriend’s face, keeping him from reconnecting.

Youngjae stood before them, ready to strike Daehyun again, when his target turned around with a grin.

“Hey there, Jaejae. Enjoy the show?”

“No, in fact, I did not enjoy your ‘show’. I’m making ramen, do you want any?” He tossed the pillow at Daehyun with a little more than necessary force as he walked back to the kitchen area, grabbing a pot from the cupboard.

“Nah, that’s okay. I’ve already got dinner planned,” Daehyun smirked suggestively as he slipped his hand beneath Jongup’s shirt, only to have his wrist caught.

“Sorry about him,” Jongup apologized, pulling the hand away from his abdomen. “He’s being a little .”

“It seems worse than usual,” Youngjae commented as he filled the pot with two cups of water and placed it on the stove top.

“Jonguppie has been depriving me!” Daehyun complained, crushing his boyfriend in a hug.

“It’s called studying for midterms,” Jongup wheezed at the initial pressure but returned the embrace, resting his chin over Daehyun’s shoulder. “How’s your studying going?”

Youngjae watched as Jongup rubbed circles into a whining Daehyun’s back. “Between you and me, Junhong could take it a notch or two down with the talking,” he said.

Jongup laughed. “Why are you studying with him, then? Didn’t you say you work best by yourself?”

“You could always join us,” Daehyun piped up, his voice muffled by Jongup’s shoulder.

Youngjae ignored him and shrugged. “He asked, I said yes…I don’t know.” He trained his eyes back to the small bubbles forming in the heating water. “I like him.”

“You like him?”

“Who doesn’t like Junhong?” The bubbles began to grow bigger, steam hovering above the pot.

Jongup rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s not like I can turn him down, he gave me that look,” Youngjae complained. “You know, the puppy one.”

“Oh, I’m well acquainted with the puppy look,” Jongup glanced sideways at his boyfriend. “But you’re avoiding the question.” “What question?”

“Exactly, you don’t even realize; you’re ignoring it unconsciously.” Jongup raised a hand to card through Daehyun’s hair, and the older of the two nuzzled his face further into his shoulder.

“Ignoring what?” Youngjae turned away again to open the pack of ramen and dropped it into the water, hissing when a few drops of the boiling hot liquid landed on his hand.

“Oh, come on.” Daehyun lifted his head and shifted, putting his arms around Jongup’s neck to maintain his perch on his lap. “You know he likes you, and you obviously aren’t turning him down.”

Youngjae’s face burned as he sifted through the drawers for a pair of chopsticks. “He doesn’t like me that way, trust me.” He paused. “Even if he does, it’s not like it’d work out anyway.”

“And why is that?” Daehyun pressed.

“Do I really need to say it again?” Youngjae stirred the noodles, breaking the block apart with the chopsticks as they heated up. “I don’t like guys.”

“You literally just said that you liked Junhong. And Junhong is a guy.”

“My god, not that way,” Youngjae rolled his eyes. “Will you ever let up?”

“No,” Jongup answered for him, “He won’t. Not until you give him what he wants, anyway.”

“Ah, my Jonguppie knows me so well,” Daehyun turned and poked Jongup’s cheek with his index finger.

Jongup leaned away, but Daehyun’s finger followed him, poking at his nose. “You’re so whiney,” Jongup complained, but there was a smile on his face as he swatted Daehyun’s finger away and grabbed his hand instead to press it to his lips.

Youngjae rolled his eyes at the sight but found himself staring, the frown slipping off his face and morphing more into an expression of sadness. He’d been lonely for a long time now; never had a lover in his life. And here he was, attending summer courses at a university to get ahead in his master’s degree program for fine arts. Alone. Well, not alone alone, he had friends of course, albeit not many. There was Yongguk, Himchan and Daehyun, all going for their master’s degrees as well, and then Jongup and Junhong, who were staying there for some summer dance camp, along with extra credit classes. They were all dating people, too, except for Junhong, and that often left Youngjae to brood in his room (that he unfortunately shared with Daehyun, though the latter was hardly actually in it) while they all went on dates or sat in the common room, making out. Like Daehyun and Jongup were doing. Right then. It was at that moment Youngjae realized he had zoned out and was watching the couple really go at it without even realizing, and he turned back around to find the water boiling over, sizzling as it dripped onto the stovetop.

“,” he swore quietly, sticking the chopsticks into the water and turning the temperature down. Shaking his head at how easily he had gotten distracted (this didn’t usually happen), he grabbed the flavor packet and tore off the corner, dumping the powder into the pot and stirring it in, watching the particles dissolve along with his will to live.

“Youngjaeeeeee…” Suddenly a familiar voice spoke up from his left, and Youngjae jerked his head towards the source of the noise. He immediately regretted his action as his forehead collided with something hard and he stepped back, clutching his head.

“Dammit, Junhong, don’t do that,” he said, looking up at the younger, who seemed far less affected by the crash.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry! Are you okay? I didn’t mean to startle you, it’s just that you’re always so aware of your surroundings so I just kinda figured…” Junhong trailed off as he grabbed Youngjae’s wrists, pulling them away from his head to inspect the damage himself. “It doesn’t look too bad; I think you’ll make it,” he decided with a playful grin. “Though I think…just to be safe…” Junhong’s voice quieted and he swooped down to press his lips to Youngjae’s forehead. “There. Now go sit down, I’ll get the bowls.”

Youngjae turned robotically and strode past Daehyun and Jongup, who had stopped feeling each other up to watch the encounter, and plopped down heavily on the loveseat.

“What was that all about?” Daehyun asked suspiciously, reaching his foot out to kick Youngjae in the shin.

“What was what all about?” Youngjae kicked back.

“Are you kidding me?” Daehyun turned to his boyfriend. “He’s kidding, right?”

Jongup squinted, sliding his glasses back on. “I don’t think so,” he responded. “Looks to me like we can officially diagnose him with unintentional denial.”

“Say, Youngjae,” Daehyun spoke up again, “have you been experiencing any strange, lingering thoughts? Perhaps things you may think you are uncomfortable with?” At Youngjae’s incredulous look, he went on. “Interesting. Maybe he really doesn’t know.”

“Look, Daehyun. I know you think you’re whispering, but you’re really not,” Youngjae finally responded. “And I don’t want to hear anymore of this, I’ve had enough for one day.”

At the seriousness in his friend’s voice, Daehyun had the sense to shut up, and he sighed, eyeing the way Youngjae ran his fingers over the spot Junhong’s lips had touched just a few moments ago, which was weird, because Youngjae wasn’t gay. Right?

***

“…um, ni shi Zhongguo…ren…ma?”

“Good, now can you write it out?” Youngjae passed Junhong a piece of paper. “And the response,” he added.

你是中国人马?

我不是中国人，我是韩国人。

Youngjae compared it to the writing on the answer key. “Uh, I think that’s right…maybe you should compare it, I took Japanese as an undergrad, so I’m not exactly the best at Mandarin.”

Junhong rolled his eyes. “Why did I ask you for help?”

“Hm, because you aren’t friends with anyone in your Chinese class and you’re too shy to ask the teacher or the tutors?” Youngjae handed him the sheet with the responses on it.

Junhong huffed. “Look, Lai Laoshi is scary, and I can’t be going to tutors for the first test.”

Youngjae raised a brow and looked at him. “Why not?”

Junhong suddenly looked uncomfortable, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Just…’cause…” he trained his eyes on the paper, but Youngjae could tell he wasn’t actually reading anything on it.

“What, you just enjoy being around me that much?” Youngjae teased.

Junhong raised his head, a sudden smirk playing at his lips. “Of course,” he said. “I’m just absolutely smitten with you.” He placed the paper off to the side and began to crawl closer to Youngjae, who suddenly regretted his words.

“Who isn’t?” Youngjae laughed awkwardly, a feeble attempt to contain his nervousness.

It didn’t seem to do any good in rescuing him, however, when Junhong pounced and pushed Youngjae down so that he was laying on top of him, engulfing the smaller of the two in a massive bear hug.

“Junhong,” Youngjae rasped out. “Can’t…” he coughed, “breathe!”

Junhong sat up, but the smirk was still there as he looked down at Youngjae, who was panting for air. “Ah, sorry about that. I have a tendency to take people’s breath away,” he said slyly.

And for the next hour of studying, Youngjae found himself trying to get that look out of his head, to stop re-imagining the feel of Junhong’s arms holding him close to his body. It had only been for a brief moment, part of which included him literally being suffocated, but aside from that, he had actually enjoyed the feeling of being held. Which was weird, because Youngjae wasn’t gay. Right?

***

“Youngjae! Youngjaeyoungjaeyoungjae open up!!”

“Goddammit, Youngjae, control your boyfriend,” Daehyun mumbled from his bed, where he was cocooned in a swath of blankets with Jongup, trying to take an afternoon nap in celebration of his last midterm being completed. It had been going well, until a certain someone began to bang on their door with very excited fists.

Youngjae didn’t even bother arguing Daehyun’s statement, and instead settled for rolling his eyes, rising from his chair with a resounding screech of wooden legs against the tiled floor. No sooner had he unlocked the door than Junhong was barreling into the room with a large, yellow bag of chocolate chips in his hands and eyes that were sparkling with excitement.

“Youngjae!! Guess what!!”

Said boy had next to no time to brace himself before he was grabbed and shoved out of the room, leaving a very confused Daehyun and a very not caring Jongup behind.

“Wait, wait! Whoa, Junhong!” Youngjae pulled back and Junhong stopped dragging him down the hallway, but didn’t let go of his hand. He looked back, and Youngjae could see how impatient he was.

“What’s the rush?” He continued. “Where are we going?”

“Oh, I should’ve told you,” Junhong looked thoughtful for a second. “We’re baking cookies!”

Youngjae’s brow furrowed. “Cookies? But…we don’t have an oven?”

“Not here, idiot. Yongguk and Himchan said they would let me use theirs! The only ingredient they didn’t have was the chocolate chips, so…” he raised the yellow bag in his other hand, waving it around.

“You’re going to their apartment just to bake cookies?”

“Well, why not?” Junhong grinned. “Midterms are over, so I figure we’re due for a celebration. I was gonna invite Daehyun and Jongup to come along, too, but they seem to be busy.”

“But why am I coming? I’m not a huge fan of sweets…” Youngjae trailed off, and Junhong’s expression immediately fell.

“You don’t want to?”

God, he sounded so heartbroken. Junhong dropped Youngjae’s hand and hugged the bag of chocolate chips to his chest. Oh, god, Youngjae thought. Here comes the puppy look.

It was certainly an odd sight, actually: this six foot two sophomore embracing a bright yellow bag of chocolate as if it were holding his life together. Maybe it was.

The poor kid looked absolutely crestfallen, his eyes shimmering and mouth pulled down into a deep frown. Youngjae felt guilt cramping in his stomach. “No, no! That’s not what I said,” he reached out and grabbed Junhong’s hand back in both of his. “Of course I want to go with you. I was just confused.”

As soon as the words were out, Junhong’s face lit up again, another grin replacing his frown.

“Good.”

***