(the song I listen during the process of writing : Distant Memories of You (Super Junior KRY cover version)

 

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It is the usual snowy day. Unstoppable snow falls in the winter January but I never feel bothered by the cold though I clench my palm many times. I slip my hand back to the pocket. Living at warm place during childhood makes me cherishing the cold season. I watch how many times people pass by the cafe as I take a sip from my drink. The coldest day will be soon over. Despite that, my heart will be still frozen after that day.

It was painful firstly, even so I feel no pain inside me. All I feel is a void. Although the memories is still vivid in my mind, the sensibilities becomes vague. I can’t choose either it’s my fault or the risk I should deal with, all the feeling of being loved and loving someone are going be fake ahead. That’s the cause why I enjoy being alone by myself.

That time when I was too naive,

That time when I was too innocent,

I fell in love with someone I should have not,

His name is Wonwoo.

If only I could trust the rumours that spread throughout the university, I shall not be engulfed with misery I feel alone right now. The love that I gave to him that time, no one could compare it. On the other hand, the love I received from him, it was just fake. It was a game for him. All my days was driven crazily after I found a year I spent with him, only a drama. He had no real feeling towards me.

Thus, I have no feeling at all. I am too afraid if someone can play with my heart. But, seeing couple at the road every single day, watching their affection towards each other, somehow it triggers a yearn for having a little touch by someone I love the most. It is only a desire, a little desire I keep by myself. I don’t expect it to be happened one day because I know, loving someone is a way where I give a permission of hurting me too someday. Well - I’m tired of being pained. The scars that Wonwoo left that times, 5 years ago, it still lingers. Also it hurts me well until I feel unsure of loving someone and being loved.

I take a sip again from my drink. It is a special hot chocolate. A painkiller for myself. I still remember when the first time I consume this drink, the day I broke up with him.

“Well — you are such pain in the ,” he said, letting a smug laugh escaped.

I still remember how he laughed so pompously that time. He smirked at me, however he could manage to ruffle my hair gently and never told me to stay by his side. I shake my head, trying to erase my mind about him albeit it is a hard task that need a lifetime to cease it completely. Faintly I hear a song is played inside the cafe.

I don’t love you
There is no other reason
I don’t even want to say
I’m sorry or forgive me

The lyric somehow stabs me. I know it is a trend nowadays but I never know there is such a kind of lyrics that hurt me badly, in different way. By any chance I feel like hearing Wonwoo sings it to me right now. He has no reason to love me in the first place, then he has no reason to not love anymore. I shall be mad at him for some case. Some people believe that I should have no reason for loving someone. Seeing that people who has a motive behind, solely loving that person for their motive, nothing else. But if only I have no reason, I can love the person without any motive. It will be purely love.

By reason of those words, I ponder many times whether he ever loved me purely or not. I gamble with myself about that curiosity. If only he just played a game with me, he shall not be that romantic to take me everywhere. He shall not be able to bear my complaints of begging him to say ‘i love you’ everyday until that day.

Another sip of the chocolate in the cold day and the snowdrop gets intense as the time goes by.

I wonder if he truly loved me that time, why he needed to say harsh words to me. If he wanted me to forget him, he did not have to say any harsh words. I know I make mistake for whining and complaining beside cherishing every days which I spent with him. Perhaps it was my fault for loving him more than, begging him to show more how much he loved me, albeit it was fake.

I let out a heavy sigh escape from my nose. I realise that I spend these years by blaming myself until now, blaming all the scene that already happened and none can change the impact now. He ruins me. No, I ruin myself until all the feeling becomes void.

Suddenly, my phone vibrates. I ignore it, but it keeps vibrating as it demands me to answer it.

It is from unknown, no, I try to name the contact as unknown. Because it’s the number of Wonwoo.

“Hello?”

I silence as soon as I hear his voice. No fluttering inside my stomach, now everything is obvious that I have no longer feeling toward him. I hear his breath. It’s a steady one, just like the one I heard that time when I hugged him. I bended a little to hear his breath close to my ear. But I never imagined it could be the last time I heard it.

“Mingyu, are you there?” His voice trembles. I don’t know if he is nervous or about to cry, but no, a cool guy like him, a savage person like him, will not waste his tears for calling me.

I hum. I know it’s rude, I know. Just — I don’t have a reason to answer it properly and act politely.

“Life is good?” He asks. I give a smirk silently. Is he worrying me right now? It must be another trick he uses for making me fall. Hey, wake up Kim Mingyu, he doesn't love you, I talk to myself.

“Well,” I hang up the call immediately. It is intentionally. I guess. My finger works on its own. But then, my phone vibrates again. It’s from him. once more.

I answer it half-heartedly. “Yes?”

“Battery?”

I check on my phone. I smile. He is being tricked. “Yes.” I lie. Also, I don’t feel guilty for saying a lie toward him.

“Did you eat well?”

I sip my drink before muttering a ‘yes’ to him. He throws many basic question, it’s a cliche, everyone will do it and I know it very well. People will toss each other to right and left without purpose before they hit the point of the conversation.

“What do you want to talk with me?” I take a first initiative to drive the boring topic to the tense one. Out of the blue, the song changes into a gloom one. I know this song. However, to be honest, I never expect this song will be played in this cool day.

Back then, I really did not know
How precious to me was your love
I let you go as I pleased
You who shed tears and begged

Someone needs to change the music into the light one for sure. Well - it doesn't suit my story very well if someone make it as a background music when I am in phone with Wonwoo right now.

“Mingyu, do you hear me?”

“No,” I simply answer him. It’s a honest answer. I don’t pay attention of his words while I am bust for listening to the music. “Replay it again, hyung,” I request.

He sighs. A heavy sigh. “No, you may not replay it, that’s okay,” I said. Enough for being demanding over something else.

“I miss you, Mingyu,” his breath becomes unsteady abruptly, I don’t know what happen with him, “a lot.” I wrinkle my temple as I pull back the phone, checking if it’s the right number or not. It is strange to hear him saying five words right now. Perhaps he has no toys to be played with.

I hang up the call again, then slip it back to my pocket. It is enough to hear any nonsense on the cool weather. I wave dismissively then stand up from my sit. Grabbing my wallet to buy another cup of hot chocolate and leaving my scarf alone to keep the spot as a taken spot.

“Another one?” I smile at the cashier. He is the friendly one, since he is my classmate during college. Also he is the one who offer a cheap hot chocolate when the first meeting. Then he beckons to take my order in another side as I finish the payment. Not waiting too long, I get my chocolate, I permit to leave to my seat and leave a small smile as a gratitude for making my drink to the baristas. After that, every staff coos that girl. I pity her soon I see her blushing quickly, I just want to be a polite customer to her.

I get back to my seat but I notice something different. There is a bouquet of baby breath. It’s my favourite one. It’s another nonsense to receive a bouquet. I observe every corner, there is none stranger inside the cafe. So I decide to check the bouquet. There is a post it hidden.

“sorry I was bad that time,
sorry if I’ve just realised how much I love you,
and sorry if I yearn for you too much.

-wonwoo”

That time, I decide to pretend that I never see and receive the bouquet. I take my scarf with me, also the hot chocolate, getting out the cafe and leave the bouquets with the post it on the spot where I sat before. There is no feeling, but I am afraid. I am afraid if it’s only a trap. A trap to fall into the same mistake.

Now I disappear under the sudden falling snow in the evening. Along with the imprinted scars that he left inside my heart.

 

-the end-