Himchan knows, there is something wrong going on with Yongguk when Yongguk always refuse to meet up and hanging out with them after the practices, and he will just go straight home or going back to his studio. Himchan knows, there is something wrong when Yongguk decide to move out of dorm after they almost end their world tour, because Yongguk was the most excited one when they get together into the new dorm after settling down with the lawsuit. Himchan knows, there is something wrong when Yongguk keep silents and just observing the others goofing around in the practice room without any intention to join along. Himchan knows, there is something wrong when Yongguk become more passive than his usual self during music video recording because normally Yongguk always spent his time to play around the maknaes and sometimes he talks a lot too.

Himchan knows, he always knows. But he never knows that Yongguk would be in his critical state that needs him to request to be spared from promoting the second full album. It shocks him. It is absurd. Yongguk always mention that he is having his most fun and enjoyment when he is around the members. He always mention that he cares and loves the members the most and that he always thankful with them. Himchan learnt in a hard way that, Yongguk needs his time alone. It is not that members keep leeching on him, but Himchan knows now that Yongguk needs his time away from all the responsibles, to settle down his own problem that he never shares with members, not even Himchan. Himchan knows, he have nothing more to say or even to put his thought on this when he automatically become the stand in leader for God knows how long it will be.

"Hyung, Himchan Hyung, the food is here hyung, come and let's eat", Daehyun voice shattering all his thoughts. Yeah, he still need to care and lead the others. He know he is not suit to be the leader, that title is totally belong to Yongguk. But what more can he says. Languishly he moves to the kitchen.

"Where is Jongup?", he asks when he is not seeing the maknae in the dorm on the table. Since Zelo moving out, Jongup back to act like a maknae in the dorm, but they are all matured now, the hyungs no more bossing around the maknae, it just sometime Jongup still need to do some chores. 

"Oh, he is out. Hanging out with his friends he told me. And he asks me to tell you that he might be coming home late", Youngjae answers the question and Himchan just nods and take the seat.

Daehyun and Youngjae already immersed into their dinner. Himchan have no appetite at all to eat, but not to worry Daehyun and Youngjae, he decide to take a few bites while chatting around with them. He left the table after a while and Youngjae assures that he will clean up the kitchen after that and Daehyun willingly offer him to help. Himchan can't get more grateful than having this 2 goofballs as the team members. Both of them are young and childish and quite naughty, but they can be very mature and very understanding when time like this happen. They know, it is hard for us, and they try their best to make it easy and better everydays. 

Walking back to the room and the emptiness is so heavy tonight. Maybe a walk with night air can do some magic and ease the heavy feeling he feels. Getting ready, he have his way out of the dorm after telling Daehyun and Youngjae that he will be taking a walk. A few round around the neighborhood, Himchan mind fulls with the thoughts of Yongguk. How is he doing, How is he handling his anxiety. Is he taking his medicine well. What is he doing right now. Is he still composing. Is he already have his dinner. Vacation, is Yongguk also having a vacation out of country. Is Tigger stay with him to entertain him. But he gets no answer not even an answer for one question, because when Yongguk decide that he needs to take the break, Himchan promise to himself that he would never contact him first, because he want to give space to Yongguk to just be alone. He knows, Zelo still keep in touch with Yongguk, because Zelo is the closest one with Yongguk and Yongguk always favors Zelo among them all. Daehyun, Youngjae and Jongup too he guess. Occasionally keep in contact with Yongguk, but he just, waits. Waits for Yongguk to contact him first, because, he knows, he is the clingy type, clingy bestfriend and he keep himself close to Yongguk for good long years that he knows, if he is the one to start the contact it will be hard for him to stay away from Yongguk again. 

The walk starts to tire him up and he is heading home, to snoring Daehyun on the couch and sleeping Youngjae in the bedroom. Making himself comfortable on his bed, he starts browsing through social networks and see fans comments from all their performances and how their ending pose having a space of Yongguk. He smiles, their fans always so keen about simple matters and he hope fans will only notice on good things, but how wrong can he be. After a good time on social networks he knows what his fans talk about him, about his weight, about his dancing, about him being the stand in leader, about his visual status and about his singing and everything. He should already getting used to all of these after 4 years into the idol life but tonight he just more sensitive, and all things that he read, seems getting into his heart deeply. Deciding not to read more on anything, he closes his phone, put it aside. Staring to the empty ceiling, he is feeling heavy, feeling empty. He needs that someone who always assures him that he is doing well, that he is doing okay, that he can always improves himself in future. Himchan need that someone who is always with him when he is having his breakdown. He needs that someone to hold him close when the feeling of useless taking the best part of him. He need to be told that he is doing fine, he needs to be accompanied and hold by that one person, by their leader, by Yongguk.

After contemplating around for a good minutes, he picks the phone, sneak at the time and make the call. It just 2.30am and no way Yongguk already asleep at this time. One ring, two rings, three rings.... and it goes to voicemail box. Again he tried. and again going through the mailbox. 

Nothing more he can do. He is fine. Himchan assures himself that he is fine. He is okay. After fails to call the person that he needs the most for sixth times, he can't hold back his tears anymore, he let it go. Sobbing quitely into the pillow. Grown up man doesn't cry. But he don't care anymore. Sometimes its okay to break down, sometimes its okay to feeling alone. He cry himself to sleep. Thing that he don't remember when was the last time he did. He knows, he is going to have bloated face tomorrow, but he could care less. Because the feeling he feels tonight just so empty so lonely, and the person he needs the most is no where can be reached. He knows, sometimes, its okay to be not fine. Crying all he wants, so that he will better tomorrow because no more that one person that he can hold to and no more that one person who will keep assuring him that he is doing good, that everything is gonna be alright. 

//Finish