Goodbye, 2ne1…

 

 

2ne1 disbanded…

…CL is a bad leader

…She is so selfish, she sacrificed her own band for her own success

…CL doesn’t even sorry

…I bet she’s partying alone with some new american friends above her bandmate’s suffer.

…YG only care about CL.

 

 

CL bit her lip harder, taste of blood on the tip of her tongue doesn’t stop her. She doesn’t want to cry, she’s not weak, she believes in herself that she’s not weak.

Being critized or dislike is part of everybody’s life. She thought.

Not everybody is understand and not everybody will like you. She thought.

She walked towards the kitchen of her apartment in LA. She grabbed a bottle of water and gulped it.

Grabbing a pen and a paper from her work desk, she sighed.

She decided to write a letter for her fans.

“But why am I doing this? Am I gonna defending myself?” she murmured.

Maybe they’re right

Maybe this is really my fault?

Maybe I am selfish?

 

Goodbye.

 

She wrote, “goodbye? Am I going to kill myself? It sounds like a suicide note.” She scoffed.

But then tears falling. Her mind flew to how YG started to put 2ne1 in dungeon, put themselves in confuse, experienced an infinite limbo.

No clear date of comeback, just repeatedly asking CL to write another song for 2ne1, saying they will comeback soon, so she add more songs for 2ne1, ignoring her own solo album.

But then YG decided to disband them.

False rumor’s everywhere.

Conclusion and judgment is made, and spread.

Her anger is no longer has limit, she doesn’t have anger nor any other emotion anymore.

She wiped her tears.

And she decided to write a letter, for her members, Bom, Dara… and Minzy.

 

Don’t trust,

Don’t trust a broken stories…

Don’t lose faith…

Remember all the promises we made.

 

Her mind flew to the time when they still have 2ne1 TV, how they promise to each other that they will be together forever. How each of them said that they will miss these days, the day they stayed up all night to do recording and dance practices.

How Dara got sick when they had to wake up early everyday to film and MV, how Bom always take care of them by tutoring others about how important it is to wear blood circulation patch and eat properly.

How Minzy always seems to have extra energy to dance around the filming set. But then she was the only one who decided to leave, and CL understand, Minzy is still young, and she got better opportunity out there, no point of wasting her time when even YG cannot give her assurance.

But still, CL doesn’t want anyone from 2ne1 left… it hurts to see them tearing apart.

 

Don’t go…

Don’t say you’ll leave me

Don’t left me in the memory

Don’t look at the tears in my eyes, I can’t hold it

Just don’t go…

Don’t be fooled

Don’t fall into temptation

Nothing lasts forever…

 

CL put down her pen and covered her face with her palms, she cries.

She cries and no one is there to lend her a shoulder. She gotta be strong, at the end, she only have herself. All her life, he tried her best to always be the shoulder to cry or to lean on for her members, but she guessed she never good enough for them.

 

Even if things got rough,

It wil be okay

Come and find me when you need someone to lean on

Though I can’t be with you forever

It’s okay even just for a while

 

“Does anyone now how it makes me feel?" she mumbles, “I’m sad too!”

she’s sobbing, leaning herself down on the table, hiding her face between her arms. Her shoulder shaking as she crying harder and louder. She can cry as loud as she wants. No one’s gonna hear.

 

+

 

“You okay girl?” Rook Monroe, one of CL’s friend in LA asked her.

She nodded, “You and J will help me making this into a song, right?”

“Sure!”

CL sat in front of a tools and an electone, she starting looking for tunes.

“Will you translate it into english?” Rook asked again.”

“Why?”

“I can’t understand the lyric, I need to know so I can imagine the tunes.”

“You’re right.” CL took a pen an write the english lyric for him.

It took her a while but when she finished, she gave it to Rook and he reads it.

“Oh girl, this is sad.”

CL smiled. “That’s my letter for my girls.”

“I bet this gonna be hit in your solo album.”

“I hope so…”

 

+

 

CL entered YG building, she went straight there from the airport.

“You wanted to see me?” She peek on YG’s office room.

“Yes, Chaerin, come in.” Yang Hyun Suk smiled.

She sat on the leather couch.

“Scooter sent me your newest song several days a go, and since you’re coming here I was waiting to tell you this in person.”

“What’s that?”

“Do you mind if that song—goodbye—being 2ne1 last song?” he asked.

“W-what?”

“Like farewell song.”

“But… I thought we’re…”

“I know… but I guess fans needs one last farewell from 2ne1.”

“A-are we going to record it together?” she asked.

“Of course, record it and film an MV.”

“Sajangnim, are you serious?”

“Yes, but I can’t promise you a promotion afterwards… promotion for this song, I mean.”

CL didn’t say anything for a while.

“I know no further promotion will make some fans disappointed but the point is 2ne1 is not disappearing just like that, but you giving blackjacks one last goodbye.”

She took a deep breath, “What about Minzy?”

YG paused, “She has new label now… I’m afraid that she won’t be able to join…”

 

+

 

CL waiting at Kush’s studio insdide YG building, suddenly the door’s open.

“Chae…”

She tuned and saw Dara.

“Unnie…”

Dara jump and hug her. “Chaerin…” she starts crying.

“Unnie, unnie don’t cry, it will make your voice hoarse…” she pats Dara’s back.

The studio door open and now CL and Dara looking at the person they’ve been missing a lot, Park Bom.

“Girls…” Bom smiling.

“Don’t cry… don’t cry…” CL raised her finger, acted like ahjumma so the girls will laugh.

“Yes, leader-nim.” Dara bowed.

They laughed.

“Bommie unnie will start the song, first part will be yours, okay?” CL pointed at the first line of the song.

Bom read the lyric.

“Chaerin-ah… this lyric is obviously your letter to Minzy, you said this to her when she’s leaving… you should sing this.”

Chaerin paused.

“I will sing the second part after chorus, the false rumors and everything, could have double meaning in me… false rumors about why we got disband, false rumor saying you’re the cause, and also false rumor about my drug problem.”

CL nodded. “Okay unnie…”

“Dara unnie…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll sing any part, being in a song with you again is more than a dream come true for me…”

As much as CL tried to hold her tears, seeing the three of them in a studio doing some recording is a heavenly view to see. Her eyes started to wet.

 

“Good job, girls, will start filming the MV in three days.” Jjangmae claps, “It’s actually feel soooo good to see you altogether, even its not complete without Minky.”

The girls walked together towards the lobby.

Bom is coming with her driver, Dara drove her own car while CL is with company driver.

“Are we gonna go somewhere first beore heading home?” CL asked.

“I want to, but some of my part is still unfinished, Chae, Kush asked me to come back here tomorrow morning.”

CL turned to Dara.

“She will go to Manila early in the morning, Chae.” Jjangmae saod.

“I’ll go see you right after I’m back, right away.” She said.

CL nodded, “I’ll head home then.”

“Go hang out with your +82 squad, Chae…” Bom suggested.

“Maybe that’s a good idea.” She took her cellphone and press Ayana’s number. She doesn’t wanna go home yet, she’s doesn’t want to feel alone and sad.

 

Ayana told her to meet her and Ahreum at PMO headquarter, some friends are there, and of course the owner of the place—GD—will also be there after taking care some business related to Bigbang promotion.

She’s surrounded by her friends, they were talking and they make her laughing, but somehow a part of her heart is cold.

GD get into his headquarter and found some of his friend’s there and also CL, sitting on a giant murakami cushion in a corner of his office.

“Hey.” He messy up her bang and joining her sitting beside her.

“Hey oppa.” She keep on busy looking at her cellphone.

“What are you doing?” he peek on her screen.

“Nothing…” she replied but not trying to hide what’s in her phone, its picture of her, Dara and Bom during recording earlier that day.

“Oh… Kush hyung told me he helped 2ne1 recording new song?”

“Hmm…”

“How was it?”

“Hasn’t finished but it was fun.” She suddenly smiling while her mind flew to the situation at the recording studio. They had fun.

GD rest his arm on her shoulder while both of them lean their back on the wall.

“You’re a strong girl, I’m proud of you, Chae.”

CL scoffed, everyone want her to be strong, and that’s what make her believe that she can’t cry, in whatever situation, she has to be strong, because everyone force her to be strong.

She raised up left GD. “I think I’m going home.”

“Huh? Why Chae…?” Ayana pouting.

“Did I say something that upset you?” GD asked.

“No, oppa, I miss Donut and Pudding.” She chuckles.

“Your cats…?”

“Yes.” CL grinned. “I’ll see you all again soon. Bye!” she waved.

“Chae, I asked your driver to go while a go.” GD said.

“What? Why oppa?”

“Because usually you’ll stay here till late and I feel bad if the driver should wait for you.” He explained.

“Oh… well, I’ll call a cab.”

“No, no, I’ll drive you home.” GD took his car keys. “I’ll be back.” He said to the squad and they nodded.

 

“You okay?” GD asked.

“yeah…”

“You can tell me everything.”

“I did tell you everything, I’m fine, well, at least I’m being strong like everyone wants me to.”

GD feel a stab in his chest.

“I’m sorry…”

“Why sorry oppa? Oh because you said I’m strong and you proud of me?” she smiled, “It’s okay… it means that I succeed.”

“Succeed in what? Fooling everyone?”

“Fooling?”

“I started to get confuse of which one is the real you, Chae, you’re not being you lately.”

“What kind of myself you think you knew?” CL said, “The CL or the Chaerin?”

“You even confused, aren’t you?”

“Of course not!”

“You started being CL even when you’re off the stage!” GD said.

“What the heck you talking about, oppa.”

“You’re never honest to yourself anymore, you’re started losing Chaerin in yourself, Chae, you started being so fierce, you lose your simplicity.”

“Stop!!” she raised her voice. “You’re never in my shoes so don’t even talking like that in front of me!! You are the succesful leader, you got your band bigger and bigger each day, you’re not disbanded and no one pointed every blame on your face!”

“You know that’s not right…” GD’s voice rapsing, he was disappointed, CL knew when he was devastated few years a go. He was also at the phase where people hate him and asking him to die, and she was there with Youngbae when he depressed from fans pressure and thinking of killing himself.

CL stopped, she knew she said something wrong.

“You are the one who was never in my shoes…” he said.

And they spent the rest of the journey in silence.

 

+

 

when today is over

it feels like tomorrow will not be the same

will be okay without you?

 

CL walking around the filming set where they have giant screen showing 2ne1’s journey. From they first stage to their last.

“I have breathing problem now.” Dara said while sitting at the chair near her.

“Are you ok unnie?”

“Hmm… no.”

“Are you sick?” CL asked.

“Yeah, my heart is very sick!” she scoffed.

Today is the second day of MV filming and its almost finished, the director decided to add more make up artist because during the first scene of the MV, Dara and Bom had been crying a lot.

They were working till late night whe the director finally said.

“It’s a wrap!”

everybody’s clapping. YG was there, briefly thanking everyone and greet the girls.

Dara couldn’t help but sobbing during the time they clean up make ups.

Bom went to CL.

“Chae, thank you.” She said.

“Why unnie?” CL saw tears formed in the corner of her eyes, but Bom tried harder not to follow Dara and crying.

“For the song.”

“Unnie…”

Bom hug her.

“And I’m sorry that people have to blame you for everything that is not even you fault.”

“People said and think as they want, unnie… what’s important for me is that my girls know the truth, that we tried to stick together till the end and no one blamming anyone here…” CL release her hug when Dara came and join them. “Bommie unnie and Dara unnie here right now with me, trusting me and supporting me is the greatest thing happened to me now.”

Dara wipe her tears but another one immediately falling again.

“Chae… I am soo sorry that I couldn’t do anything to help you.” Dara said.

“What are you guys talking about??” Chaerin hold Dara’s and Bom’s hands. “I don’t care about what people said, they’re just a small number of antis, but I have real blackjacks, gzbs, and I got you!”

“You’re strong, I wish I could be just a little like you.” Bom sighed.

“You’re strong too unnie, you went to hiatus calmly, you’re kind to our fans… you and Dara unnie is the best idol a fan can have… while me? I can’t express myself, they always misunderstood me as snob girl… I can’t do aegyo properly, I can’t even tell funny story and still sounds sooo funny like two of you… oh my God, my unnies are the best!!”

She laughs, but tears streamdown her cheek.

“…this song is just how express myself… how sad I am, and how I wished that we… 2ne1… never apart.” She mumbled.

She looked down and crying.

“it is not you that should thank me, unnie…” CL said to the girls, “I thank you…”

“Chae…” Dara patted her back.

“Dara unnie, thank you for talking about 2ne1 and about me during your every interview and appearance on media, thank you for always being my biggest supporter.” She said, “Bom unnie… thank you for always be strong even when I failed to protect you from haters…”

Dara and Bom is now crying, it is hurt to see CL cry when she’s the one who never really cry in front of people.

CL took a deep breath and looking around the artist room where they are now. Then she bowed to all staff in there.

“Thank you for your hardworking, thank you for taking care of 2ne1 till the end.”

Dara nd Bom also bowing.

All the staff who already looking at them crying from the start also feel a deep emotion. They’re bowed back and some staff who’s close with them came and hugging them.

 

“Chae…” someone called her.

She turned and she saw GD standing by the doorway.

“Oh, oppa….” She remembered their last meeting is not really good, they parted with a coldness between them.

“Can we talk?”

“Of course.” She look at the girls, “I’ll be back.”

 

They sat at one of the filming set.

“How’s the filming today?” he asked.

“Sad…” she smiled.

GD gave her his jacket.

“Huh?” CL confuse because she already wear her own jacket, “I’m not cold.”

“No, use it to wipe your tears, Chae… i don’t have tissue.”

“She laughs, “Why would I use this fancy Valentino jacket to wipe my tears? It will stained with my eye make up.”

“So?” he asked, “I could wash it later.”

“No, thank, oppa…” she gave the jacket back.

GD pull the jacket sleeves and wipe her eye with it.

“Stop it oppa.”

“Don’t move!” he said, “I hate to see tears in your face.”

CL paused.

“Not that I prohibit you from crying, but I hate you see you sad… moreover if I couldn’t be by yourside to do this when you’re sad or crying.”

“Do what?”

“This. Wiping your tears.” He smiled.

“Oppa…” she said.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry for being rude to you… I shouldn’t said that you don’t understand, because obviously you went through something worse than me… a lot…”

“No, Chae, you’re right, I never face anything like you… every scandal that my members had, YG will cover it for us, even in my own scandal… and also… I never face the situation where I have to lose one of my member, and a disbandment…”

CL looked down, another tears falling and it goes straight to the floor.

“I’m the one who should say sorry, cause as one of your closest friend, I didn’t trying hard enough to comfort you.” GD patted her back and pull her to his embrace.

“You always supproting me and 2ne1, oppa, you’re the best sunbae every hobae could ask for.”

“Thanks…” he rest her chin on her head, “Let me make it up to you, Chae…”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I’m here to pick you up, let’s go somewhere, eat a nice food, talking about your plans after this…”

CL paused, she saw Jjangmae already bring their bags out to the car.

GD follows her gaze.

“Oh, let me ask him for your bag.” He release CL.

“No, oppa.”

“You’re coming with me, right?” he asked.

CL slowly shook her head, “Oppa, let me spent today with my girl, okay?”

GD paused, “oh… okay…”

“I’ll call you later.”

GD waved at her and the girls.

 

“I thought he came to fetch you, Chae.” Bom asked her.

“Uh… no,” she grin.

Dara raised her eyebrows, “No? then what is he doing here?”

“Well, yes, but today I have plan with you.” She pointed at Bom.

“Me?” Bom asked.

“You have another plan, unnie?’ CL asked back.

“No, but what plan do we have here?”

“Am I included?” Dara asled.

“Of course, my little unnie.” CL laughs.

“What kind of plan you have, Chae?’ dara asked.

“Hmm… go to our old dorm, order take away, eat and drink beer… me, Dara unnie, Bom unnie and Jjangmae!”

Jjangmae who’s ready to drive flinched, “Me?”

“Of course! You have to come!” CL said.

“Alright…”

“Yay! Let’s go.” CL said.

“Hey, what about order that fried chicken in the corner?’ Dara said.

“Of course! And how about order from the restaurant near the bus station?” Bom added.

“Ah the one that seems so expensive back then?” CL asked.

“Yes, that restaurant is so expensive that I could only afford the rice!” Dara hissed.

“Today we’re gonna buy every menu they have!”

“Their sweet&sour pork is the best!” Bom drooling.

“don’t forget jajangmyum and jjampong…” Dara addes.

“oh I’m soo hungry… Jjangmae drive faster… hurryyy~” CL said with aegyo.

“I see, girls… I see…” Jjangmae sighed.

 

Goodbye...

Goodbye...

Until the the we will meet again

Goodbye...

 

 

END

---

i am sad.

that is all i can say.

love, EV