Joshua Hong is not in love with his coworker. Kim Mingyu is not either. There’s just a weird energy around them. Mingyu just has a crush on him; Joshua just likes the attention: he can’t pull away from him as though they are magnets. When they kiss for the first time, then the second, third, fourth, fifth, all in succession, something clicks for Mingyu, but he refuses to call it love. He’s realized how complicated the problem of us is, is all. There is a depth to it that he’s underestimated from the moment that it was introduced. Joshua, after their kisses, realizes nothing. It is only when Mingyu presses a kiss to the top of his head does he feel a weight sinking deep in his stomach. This realization has nothing to do with himself; it has everything to do with Mingyu, with that simple action. He’s almost instantly nauseous, so he leaves with Jeonghan, trying to mask his expression before Mingyu.

Kim Mingyu is undeniably in love with his coworker, Joshua Hong.

--

The party does not last long before the alcohol is brought out. They successfully are able to have cake and turn the movie on, but as soon as it starts to play, everyone seems to collectively lose interest in it. Jeonghan sighs, but clearly this is expected as he has prepared a large quantity of alcohol for the partygoers. “It’s like a college party,” Hansol laughs, reaching for a beer. Seungkwan opens it for him and clinks his glass of water against Hansol’s bottle.

“To our youth,” Seungkwan mutters, then drinks from his glass.

Mingyu joins Minghao and Junhui who are looking through Jeonghan’s collection of alcohol. “Do you mind if we make some mixed drinks?” Junhui asks politely towards Jeonghan. Jeonghan squeezes past others in his small kitchen to assist them with their drink making.

“Or we could do some shots,” Minghao whispers. Jeonghan makes a strangled noise. “We won’t end up wrecking your place like we did with Hansol’s. I’m just saying that if we don’t go for the shots, then our giant here isn’t going to be feeling it for awhile.” Mingyu tries to deadleg Minghao, but he lifts his leg before Mingyu can actually hit him. He turns to him with a smug smile on his face.

“It’s not false, Mingyu!” Junhui quips.

Joshua, looking for Jeonghan, comes upon the group making mixed drinks with his bottle of beer. “Do we have any wine? Seungkwan’s asked like five times now. Apparently you only have dark beer, so he doesn’t want any.” He shrugs, stuffing a hand into his pocket as he stands there on the cusp of the group.

Minghao pulls himself away from the alcohol that he’s been appraising in order to turn his attention towards the newcomer. “Hey, Joshua. Have you met Junhui? He’s contracted with the company, but he’s not in any of our departments.” He introduces Junhui. Joshua and him shake hands as Joshua introduces himself in response. “Mingyu, your cake was really good,” Minghao says while Junhui and Joshua are making small talk.

Junhui looks over and nods, affirming Minghao’s statement.

“Oh, yeah, it was pretty good,” Joshua says, not looking at Mingyu. He swipes a finger over the rim of his bottle instead of paying any attention to the person in question. “Jihoon really liked it too.” He says as an afterthought.

Jeonghan returns from the cabinets just in time to notice Joshua’s expression. “It was a nice cake. It felt like a proper birthday cake, minus the candles.”

Minghao points to Joshua’s drink, “Maybe take it slow, yeah?”

In response, Joshua just shrugs, then breaks away from the group. “, he asked about wine, right?” Jeonghan says, grabbing a bottle of red wine from the army of alcohol that Junhui and Minghao were building. “I’ll be right back to help you with the drinks. Ice is in the freezer in the garage.” Then Jeonghan is off to follow after Joshua and to deliver the wine to Seungkwan.

“Your boy’s going to be plastered,” Soonyoung says as he joins the group, clapping Minghao on the shoulder, but he’s looking straight at Mingyu with his statement.

“His boy?” Minghao scrunches his face up at the same time Mingyu does, saying: “My boy?”

Soonyoung waves his free hand in the air. “I don’t know what you two are doing, but I know that there is something going on there. Only an idiot wouldn’t notice that. Except Josh is playing your part now. You know, the whole pretending to be shy and awkward thing. He’s doing great at it, unless something did happen to make things awkward.” He takes a gulp from his beer, then leans onto Minghao, who throws an arm around his friend. “Did something happen?”

Jeonghan returns, wine no longer in hand. “They were making out in the kitchen while Mingyu was baking.” He pushes his hair back and brings forward some bottles. Junhui, who had went to retrieve the ice had returned as well. “I couldn’t find Joshua, which means he’s probably in my bedroom.” With an elbow he nudges Mingyu.

Minghao and Soonyoung cheer Mingyu on loudly as he exits from the bustling kitchen.

The walk to Jeonghan’s bedroom seems to be the longest trek that Mingyu has ever taken. The bedroom itself is only a short walk away from the kitchen since Jeonghan’s house is not very expansive itself, but Mingyu is dragging his feet as he tries to figure out what he could have possibly done to upset Joshua. He couldn’t work past any of it in his brain because none of it made any sense to him. Joshua had definitely wanted to kiss him too, and even after they had kissed, Joshua had made smug remarks towards Jeonghan which communicated that he did not regret them. In fact, Joshua was nearly about to start undressing him in the kitchen, but now the unnamed tension has returned.

Mingyu knocks before he comes in.

“Hey,” He says to Joshua who is seated on the end of Jeonghan’s mattress.

Joshua looks over at him, “Hey,” he echoes quietly, then turns his attention back to the floor. Mingyu sits down beside him on the bed, careful not to jostle him too much. “Are they looking for me?” He asks.

“Just Jeonghan actually,” Mingyu responds honestly, “but I think Hansol will start to ask where you went off to soon enough.” That draws a smile from Joshua, but it is a fleeting one. It is as though after he catches the small action, he realizes that he’s just done something that he should not have. “Plus I was a little worried, considering I think I might have something to do with this.” Mingyu lays his hand over Joshua’s own; Joshua seems confused at the action as he pulls away, then immediately settles, turning his palm up to meet Mingyu’s palm. Their fingers tangle haphazardly.

With Mingyu’s thumb brushing against his skin, he feels both strangely calm and strangely nervous. He swallows hard, then draws in a shaky breath. “I…” He starts, but doesn’t know how to continue. He looks away from their hands intertwined on the bed, but avoids Mingyu’s gaze. “It’s complicated, all of it.”

Mingyu doesn’t think he understands, but when Joshua places his beer on the floor and lifts his newly freed hand to his ear. The cross piercing on his ear is a symbol of his faith, but Mingyu thinks that this problem transcends faith. There are layers of problems between them that they haven’t addressed. Instead, they just dove into unknown territory without thinking, without solving the other issues.

When Joshua speaks again, his voice is quiet. “Do you remember the time…”

Mingyu interrupts him. “Last summer after we had been introduced to each other? When we were at the bar and I was with a girl and you were there with Jeonghan?” Joshua nods. “You looked nice that night.” Mingyu admits, “I ended up leaving with Jeonghan and you while my date was in the bathroom.”

“We kissed in the backseat of Jeonghan’s car. You were drunk,” Joshua clarifies.

--

When Wonwoo had introduced him to this girl, he thought that she looked like every other girl that he had showed mediocre interest in. One or two dates, then he would never see her again. If he did, then he would pretend as though he didn’t know her. It wasn’t a clean way of operating, but it was his current way, especially when his life was so busy that he hardly had time for dating, let alone finding someone to settle down with. He trusted Wonwoo’s judgement though, until they were at the bar ordering drinks and she still hadn’t stopped telling a fishing story that had lasted from the moment they were in the taxi and was still ongoing.

Mingyu would have given anything for her to just take a breather for a moment. If she were a smoker, then he would have celebrated, but alas, she continues with her neverending tale which would be endearing if he had any prior interest in her or this story. Fate seems to be on his side when he hears his voice being called. He immediately turns away from his date.

“Mingyu! It is you… Hey.” Joshua’s hair is pushed back in a way that is probably supposed to be attractive, but Mingyu thinks that he looks nerdy with it like that. It doesn’t look so much like him. Even though he’s not sure what Joshua is supposed to look like, since he’s only known him for a couple months, but he’s used to how he wears his hair usually. Jeonghan is next to him, sporting some fruity-looking drink. He raises his hand to wave as he sips his drink.

“Oh,” Mingyu sighs, then breaks out into a huge grin. “How happy I am to see the two of you.” He immediately goes in to hug Joshua, then Jeonghan. His date has quieted and seems to be annoyed that her story was interrupted. Just when he is about to introduce them to her, she stands up and announces that she has to go to the bathroom. Again, he can’t stop himself from grinning after her. “Take me home with you!” He immediately pleads, clutching both Joshua and Jeonghan’s hands. Joshua chuckles, pulling Mingyu off the dirty bar floor.

“Yeah, we can do that. We were just fixing to leave anyway.” Jeonghan nods. “We’ll have to leave now though, before she comes back.”

They all head towards the exit. Joshua smiles at Mingyu, “Why invite the girl out if you didn’t want to be here with her?” He asks. Mingyu shrugs.

“Wonwoo set it up. I shouldn’t have trusted him so much with something like this.” He laughs. “I honestly haven’t even been here that long, but it already felt like forever. She wouldn’t stop talking about fishing.” It’s Jeonghan’s turn to laugh. “I couldn’t even get a word in either.”

“Be careful with Joshua then. If you get him on a subject, he may not shut up about it.” Jeonghan warns, looking back at them. Joshua pushes Jeonghan so hard that he stumbles, but both of them end up laughing as though it was no big deal. Within the short period of time they’ve been together, they’ve become good friends. They were two of the closest people among their company. It raised some questions for Mingyu, but he decided that he probably didn’t need to pry that open right now.

They get into Jeonghan’s car. Each of them pull their seatbelts on before Jeonghan takes off. Somewhat drunkenly, Mingyu struggles with his seatbelt, so Joshua leans over to assist him. With Joshua this close, Mingyu can feel his heartbeat in his ears. He has no idea why this man has this effect on him, but he does know that he smells like the ocean wind and his touch is feather soft. Mingyu’s heart jumps in his chest, uncomfortably as Joshua latches his seatbelt. He leans back only slightly to look at Mingyu and he’s so close that Mingyu doesn’t know what to do.

He panics.

He kisses him. One of his hands comes up to tangle in Joshua’s hair as he pulls him in and tries to keep him there. Joshua’s eyes widen, but then he relaxes into the kiss, eyes slipping closed. Mingyu’s shortly follow as his other hand travels to Joshua’s jutting hip bone. It feels too good to kiss him. It makes no sense why this feels so good, but he doesn’t want to stop, so he doesn’t. When Joshua pulls away, out of breath, Mingyu keeps his forehead against his so that the distance is not lost. “Again,” Mingyu pleads with him for the second time tonight.

Joshua makes an uncertain noise and Jeonghan turns the music up. They exchange an odd look through the rearview mirror before Joshua turns back to Mingyu. “Okay,” he nods, then leans back into Mingyu. When Joshua initiates the kiss, Mingyu feels as though all of his nerve endings are afire. He gasps into the kiss when Joshua’s hand meets the side of his neck. The way that Joshua kisses is neat. He kisses with purpose and tact. There is so much more to want from his kisses; they are perfectly given, perfectly received. They are not greedy, unlike Mingyu.

“Do you want me to drop you off at your house or mine?” Jeonghan asks one of them, or maybe both.

“Mine,” Mingyu says around Joshua’s lips.

Joshua breathlessly tells him to take him to his house.

When they arrive at Mingyu’s house, Mingyu kisses Joshua goodnight and gets a good view of his reddened lips. He thanks Jeonghan for the ride, then disappears into this house. On the ride back to Jeonghan’s house, Joshua stays in the backseat with his head ducked. “What was that?” Jeonghan lifts an eyebrow.

“I have no clue…” Joshua says, still winded.

--

He didn’t recall things from that night too clearly, but when he thought about it, then he could remember the awkward fumbling, his date’s chattering, Joshua’s soft lips on his. He had thought that when they kissed in the kitchen it had been their first time. “We kissed a lot that night,” Mingyu says, in awe.

“I thought I was going to get a call from you, but then I realized that you were definitely just drunk,” Joshua laughs bitterly. “It figures that one of the best nights of my life, the person I shared it with didn’t even remember it.”

“Ah, I’m sorry about that…” Mingyu chews on his lip uncomfortably. He’s unsure what to add; he has no clue what could make it up to Joshua aside from going back in time, which was sadly impossible for any of them. “I drank so much because of my date and I wasn’t even there for that long. I should have remembered that night more clearly. It was the only time you ever initiated a kiss with me. It made me feel light. I went home and fell asleep. I dreamt about that kiss.” It was so careful. No one really knew Joshua at that point, but Mingyu had been given an inside look at him. “Too bad I only thought it was a dream.”

“Too bad,” Joshua echoes.

“There’s a reason I stopped drinking heavily when you are around,” Mingyu admits, then, “How about you? Do you remember your birthday?”

Joshua freezes.

--

“You could have done anything for your birthday…” Jeonghan says, sounding disappointed. “Getting sloshed and spending all your time in the bathroom isn’t ideal.”

Joshua spits into the toilet, stands up, then walks over the mirror to check his appearance. “I’m alright. Just nauseous, plus my birthday means that I have a right to get sloshed if I want to, so don’t try to tell me otherwise.” He holds a finger up as though he’s chastising Jeonghan. His friend simply rolls his eyes, then exits the bathroom. “Yeah, that’s what I thought!” He yells after him.

Mingyu enters with a laughing Chan pushing him. “I gotta go!” Chan exclaims, rushing into a stall, pushing past Mingyu. There’s a smile on Mingyu’s lips as he hustles over the sink. Joshua looks over at him from his own sink.

“Hey,” Joshua says, “I didn’t know you were here.”

A shrug. “It looks like you are having a good time without noticing much.” He’s referring to the fact that Joshua has danced with most of the strangers on the dance floor, proclaiming that it was his birthday, so people should dance with him. Mingyu doesn’t know why he feels so cold towards him currently, but he almost wishes that he hadn’t come. That was, until Chan and Minghao had swooped in to improve the night. Joshua pulls an unattractive face that makes him look like he’s thinking too hard about what Mingyu has just said.

“Hey,” Joshua says again, “ off.”

Mingyu looks surprised at Joshua’s harsh tongue. Chan exits just in time to be a witness in the suddenly heated exchange. “Alright, happy birthday then. I hope you don’t mind me going home with Jeonghan.” It’s a threat that should be empty. Both of them know that, but Mingyu going home with Jeonghan is a loaded threat. It puts a weight on whatever sits invisible between them. It calls attention to it, but still cannot give it a name. Mingyu thinks that Joshua is actually jealous. Chan catches Mingyu’s arm.

“I think we should be leaving,” he says.

“Yeah, go my best friend then,” Joshua laughs bitterly. His whole frame shakes with some unbidden emotion. “Go home with him and really give it to him.” He’s almost nonsensical in his movements as he leans heavily on the sink, tries to push off of it, then falls back into it. He looks as though he’s ready to hit Mingyu, but he doesn’t move any closer or any further away from him. “Give us a minute, Chan.” He slurs.

It takes a moment, but Chan nods. When he leaves, Joshua finally steps towards him.

“What?” Mingyu asks, feeling a lot less sober than he had previously felt.

Joshua shrugs dramatically, then pokes him in the chest. “I don’t want you to my best friend.” He says, simply. Mingyu raises his eyebrows; that was pretty much a given, he thought. “I think I’m in love with you.” He says instead and the smug look on Mingyu’s face is completely erased. Instead, he’s caught off guard by the comment. He was sure that there was going to be some cheeky comment, but instead, Joshua seems to either be confessing something to him or playing him. He’s too drunk to be so intelligent, but Mingyu can’t put it past him still.

“What?” Mingyu says again, mouth agape.

He watches as Joshua’s chest heaves with the deep breath that he takes, then releases. “I think I’m in love with you.” He sounds as though he wants to cry. “I can’t stop thinking about it, but when I drink, I don’t really think about it, but now here you are threatening to my best friend.” He runs a hand through his hair, then pushes back Mingyu.

Later, he tells him that it was just a mean joke that he played on him because Mingyu had said that he would go home with Jeonghan. Mingyu doesn’t really remember the exchange very well until he’s had time to piece it together. He wonders how much of it he’s made up, but Chan reassures him that his memory is pretty keen for how drunk he was that night.

--

“That wasn’t a sick prank.” Joshua says. “The sick prank was that I actually thought I was in love with you then. I hadn’t meant to say anything.” His hold on Mingyu’s hand tightens. “When you brought up Jeonghan, it felt like a betrayal, but the bigger problem was that I wasn’t even sure if you returned my feelings. You never really asked me out anywhere, but we always were meeting up at places, and I couldn’t stop thinking about our kiss in the car. That wasn’t our last kiss either.”

“New Years in America,” Mingyu whispers.

Joshua nods, “Your birthday in the closet when you were trying to hide from Seokmin.”

“Earlier today in the kitchen,” Mingyu adds. “That was our first sober one though.” Joshua nods to confirm. “I never wanted to stop kissing you. It felt wrong to stop. It felt right when we were that close. It always feels right when we are that close.” He holds up their twined hands. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt so close to someone before.”

A sob wracks Joshua’s body. Tears spring to his eyes much to Mingyu’s eyes. His whole body is shaking, but he’s grasping onto Mingyu’s hand as though it is an anchor that will keep him from drowning in his own tears or falling apart. When Joshua speaks, his voice is so quiet. It makes Mingyu notice how much smaller Joshua is, except he’s never looked smaller than he has in this moment with tears streaming down his cheeks. Mingyu lifts his free hand up to wipe away the tears that have gathered. “I thought… you only loved me when you were drunk.” He folds in on himself, pulling away from Mingyu. He’s never seen Joshua like this, and it feels like there is a black hole in his chest where his heart was. He wishes that he could take all of the pain away from Joshua.

He shakes his head, dropping to the floor in front of Joshua. Both of his hands go up to cradle his tear-soaked face. Even as his breathing calms, tears still stream from his eyes. Mingyu makes sure that he is focusing on his breathing. “Hey, hey,” he says, trying to get Joshua’s attention, but his eyes are unfocused on his face. He looks empty almost. Then, in English, Mingyu speaks nervously, “Hey, Joshua. I love you.” Then in Korean, he says it endlessly. “I love you, I love you.” He breathes in unsteadily. “It’s so scary… I love you so much.”

Joshua’s breath hitches. “S-Say it again,” he stutters.

“I love you,” Mingyu whispers.

Joshua moves in to kiss him delicately. The kiss is wet and tastes salty, but it is precise. Joshua knows how to tilt his head, how to coax Mingyu’s mouth open so that he can slip his tongue between his lips. He knows how to draw the quietest noises from Mingyu. The ones that undo both of them completely. Mingyu lifts off the floor and presses Joshua down into the mattress. Suddenly, it is Mingyu who has the upperhand from this position. He weighs down on Joshua without hurting him. Joshua’s breathing is erratic underneath him as he gasps when Mingyu’s hands traverse underneath his shirt.

His skin is so soft, Mingyu marvels, but is quickly drawn away from his thoughts as the door opens to reveal Seungcheol who immediately places a hand over his eyes.

“Oh man, sorry,” he says. “Jeonghan just wanted me to get the remote in here, but I’ll come back later!” He quickly shuts the door behind him and both Joshua and Mingyu burst into laughter. Mingyu pulls himself off of the bed, still chuckling as he retrieves the remote off the bedside table. Joshua sits up and gathers his beer from the floor.

“That’s two times,” Joshua chuckles, wiping his face off. “Two times… in one day.”

“Yeah,” Mingyu shakes his head, but he can’t stop smiling. “Come here before you go clean up.” He says. Joshua stands up, placing his beer down on the table and Mingyu pulls closer by his belt loops. He kisses him again, but this time it is just simple. There’s nothing hidden in the kiss. It is just a familiar press of lips that makes both of their stomachs flip; it makes both of them feel much lighter than they are.

“I love you, you know,” Joshua says when he pulls back. He keeps his forehead against Mingyu’s. His eyes are shimmering with tears still, but he looks much happier now. “I’m glad we solved this problem.”

But Mingyu’s not so sure that everything’s been solved. Not yet anyway.