Changkyun understood the slight disdain the members had for him sometimes. Most of it had gone away when they finally debuted and everyone got over their anger at the youngest for winning No.Mercy. But that didn’t stop Changkyun from feeling the effect of him winning, sometimes. Sometimes a member would mention Gunhee and Jooheon would get a little upset. Changkyun still felt bad that he took away Gunhee’s chance to debut.

Or sometimes Hoseok would make a underhanded comment about how good Seokwon would be in the group. There’s no malice behind it, not like there used to be, but Changkyun still feels guilty.

He’s content with not mentioning it to anyone because he doesn’t want to stir up the bad stuff again. Doesn’t want the members to be mad at him.

He’s okay.

==

Changkyun reads the comments, they all do. They’ve been advised against it but it’s only natural to want to know what people think of you.

They’re all negative. He’s sure he’s skimmed a few good ones but he ignores them.

‘Why did he get to debut?’

‘Not for nothing but he can’t even rap.’

‘Gunhee would have been so much better than him.’

He knows they’re right. He knows everyone else in the group, maybe even the company, knows. Gunhee deserved to debut more than he did. He hadn’t worked as hard.

‘Nubility probably broke up because of him.’

That one hurt the most because he knows it’s not true. The company went under and it was none of the members faults. But maybe it was because they couldn’t do more to help the company.

‘haha brat deserved what the members did during the show.’

And maybe he did maybe he didn’t. He’s okay, not perfect, but okay enough.

==

Changkyun unluckily overhears Hyungwon and Minhyuk talking about the prospective members who left during No.Mercy. And it drives the knife in just a little more.

With the stress starting to come to a head Changkyun has to fight to keep his mouth shut about it. It’s not his place to tell them they can’t talk about their friends because it hurts his feelings.

He’d be a terrible person and an even worse maknae. But it really did upset him because the past is the past. He won fair and square so why can’t the group drop it?

He felt guilty for being angry but it makes him feel cheated when they talk about people that aren’t even here anymore. They left a long time ago and it shouldn’t matter anymore.

The anger and the guilt sits in his gut even through the fan meet. And he’s still okay. He tells himself he has to be okay for the sake of the team.

==

“Gunhee is debuting!” Jooheon came running into the living room, waving his hands above his head. There was a laugh behind him and Gunhee joined them in the living room

“Gunhee!” There was a chorus of yelling as the members got up in a flurry to greet the other. He looked beyond delighted as they embraced him.

Changkyun just bowed and smiled, Gunhee smiled back.

“What’s this about you debuting?” Hyungwon asked, a renewed twinkle in his eyes.

“I got picked up by a company,” Gunhee gets seated on the couch and with the members gathering around him it pushes Changkyun out of his seat. “I’m going solo.”

Everyone was cooing about how excited they were for him and that he worked so hard for this. And that he deserved it. And that finally he got the recognition he deserved.

The recognition that Changkyun helped take from him when he got Gunhee eliminated. And the knife in his chest starts to really hurt, his eyes stinging a bit.

“Yeah. Oh, Seokwon is going solo too.”

At that news the members went nuts gain. Yelling about how cool a collaboration would be. Hoe good it’d feel to stand on the same stage as them again if their schedules lined up.

And all the while the guilt and the anger was slowly suffocating the maknae.

==

“Why aren’t you eating?” Gunhee asked. The managers has ordered food for them that night and Changkyun stayed seated on the couch.

“Lost my appetite.”

And it wasn’t a lie but Changkyun had to stop himself from crying at the other’s concerned look.

==

The stress finally gets released when Changkyun can’t get the choreography right for an upcoming comeback. He’s dragging the entire team down with him.

And suddenly it’s like they’re back in the No.Mercy days. With everyone giving him pensive looks and disappointed glances. He’s the outsider again.

Hyungwon mumbles under his breath, “Why can’t he dance?”

Minhyuk shrugs and downs a water bottle. Changkyun hears him quietly say, “I don’t know but even Yoonho could dance better.”

And that’s what finally pushes the youngest too far.

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not Yoonho!” He yells. He doesn’t even mean to raise his voice but it echoes in the rather quiet practice room. Even the ones with headphones in stop to look at him.

He can see the surprise on Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s face. The genuinely had no idea the youngest could hear them. None the less that it’d upset him this bad.

“I’m sorry I’m not Yoonho,” He repeats. “I’m sorry I’m not Gunhee or Seokwon.”

There are definite tears in his eyes, he can feel them building up. “I’m sorry I’m not-” But he’s cut off by a hiccup and the tears finally fall. Changkyun can’t even lift his hands to cover his face.

“I won. I won...” He kept repeating until his voice got too quiet and small from the crying. He had finally made something for himself, had finally fulfilled his promise to debut. His mom had been so proud of him. Now it just felt like none of it mattered.

“Changkyun,” Kihyun moved first. He moved from his spot on the chair in the corner to put his hands on the younger’s shoulders. The maknae can’t even look up.

“What’s wrong?” The mother of the group asks. Changkyun starts to sniffle and Kihyun uses his hand to make him look up. The hurt in the younger’s eyes was worse than when he first joined the group.

“I’m tired.” Changkyun says, low voice going really hoarse from crying.

“Of what?” Kihyun asks, forcing Changkyun to keep looking up as the other gather around them.

“Of you,” Changkyun hiccups and squeezes his eyes shut. “Talking about the others and telling me i’m not as good as them or fans saying i don’t deserve this.”

He was exhausted and had this gone on any longer he’d probably consider quitting. It just wasn’t worth the emotional heartbreak anymore. He was breaking.

“Oh, ‘Kyun.” Jooheon wraps his arms around his shoulders from behind. “I’m so sorry.” He sounds like he’s crying too and Changkyun just feels worse.

“Yeah. We didn’t mean anything by it.” Minhyuk said, hanging his head in shame. Hyungwon quickly agreed.

“Baby, you won this fair and square.” Kihyun says and pulls Changkyun into a hug. In turn it pulls Jooheon in too and Changkyun is sandwiched between them.

“We’ll stop talking about them so much, okay?” Hoseok asked and Changkyun barely nodded. He was so tired, emotionally and physically, and he just wants to go home now and hide from the embarrassment.

“Let’s go.” Hyunwoo says and no one puts up a fight with leaving early. Not even the managers when he sees the tears on Changkyun’s face.

In the car Changkyun stays in Kihyun’s arms with Jooheon hanging all over him.

He’s okay.

==

Changkyun reluctantly pulled up the pages of negative comments he’d saved to his phone. He didn’t want to show the others but Hyunwoo was asking questions.

They all look at the amount of bad comments on the youngest’s phone. The younger had even bookmarked pages trashing him back during the show when even the members were mean.

“Why would you look at these?” Hyungwon asks, looking slightly hurt. They all look worn and a little confused.

Changkyun just shrugged. He knew he shouldn’t be looking at them all the time and again he feels slightly guilty. Hoseok’s fingers quickly start messing with the maknae’s phone.

“We’re deleting them all off your phone,” Kihyun sighed and sat next to Changkyun on his bed. “Don’t look at them anymore. Do we have to take the phone away?”

The threat didn’t sound empty either. “Or get management involved?” Minhyuk asked.

“No. Please, don’t tell them.”

“We won’t but promise us, okay?”

“I promise.”

And that night Changkyun cried a lot and the members just let him. They didn’t taunt or tease like they might have before. And they all equally feel guilty for being the ones to put bad thoughts in his head in the first place.

==

The members kept their word about not comparing him or talking about the other contestants. Though, Changkyun knows they talk about them when he’s not there.

Changkyun is messing around on the internet while everyone has left to go shopping. It was a rare day off and Changkyun just wanted to relax.

Before he knew it he was looking at an article about Gunhee’s upcoming debut. And the comment section was full. He only debated for a moment before scanning the pages of comments.

‘he deserves it’

‘this should’ve happened months ago’

‘not fair he had to wait and monstax didn’t’

These comments weren’t particularly mean or about him but it still hurt to read them. He was the reason it took so long for Gunhee to debut. And again he felt like he didn’t deserve this as much.

He closed the laptop, the one they all share, and curled up in bed. He pulled the covers tight around him and told himself he wasn’t gonna cry. That he had to man up.

That didn’t seem to last long.

==

He heard the front door open and he snuggled closer to the wall, pulling the blanket over his head. He had cried and maybe the members won’t notice.

Of course Kihyun notices. He’s the most intuned with the maknae. Which surprised everyone considering he was one of the rudest during the show.

“Changkyun?”

The youngest curled tighter into himself and squeezed his eyes shut.

“You up?”

Maybe if he lay still enough the older will believe he’s asleep. He purposely makes his breathing shallow and starts breathing through his nose more so it sounds like he’s asleep.

But of course Kihyun doesn’t fall for that. Hyungwon had tried the same thing one too many times.

Changkyun can feel the bed dip and the bunkbed squeak as Kihyun climbs up to his bunk. He tries not to move as the older lays down behind him, arm lazily hanging over his stomach.

“What’s wrong?” Kihyun sounds tired. When Changkyun peers out from his blanket cocoon, Kihyun has his eyes closed. “Minhyuk saw the comment page you had pulled up. Is this about that?”

Changkyun didn’t know what answer to give him. He had promised not to look at negative comments but it’s not like he sought them out this time. He didn’t mean to stumble upon them.

Kihyun sighed at his own unanswered question. “Listen,” He started. He pulled Changkyun closer as his arm tightened over him. “I don’t know how to convince you that nothing that happened was your fault.”

“You won this all, okay? You worked longer than most of us to debut. You almost became a idol before we did, that means something.”

Changkyun kept his eyes closed but wrapped his hand around Kihyun’s. He always liked skinship and he’s been avoiding doing it lately for some reason.

“We love you and I feel really bad that we were the cause of the bad thoughts at the beginning. I don’t know how else to apologize,” Kihyun pressed his face into the back of Changkyun’s neck.

Changkyun thought he felt tears from the older but didn’t ask about it.

“I’m really happy for Gunhee.”

“Me too.”

“But,” Changkyun squeezes the older hand so tight his knuckles kind of start to hurt. “I’m happy with you guys too. I was happy with Nu’Bility. I was happy.”

Changkyun trailed off when his eyes started watering. It really to not how to properly tell Kihyun how he was feeling.

“Was?”

“I was so happy when they called my name. But no one wanted me, not even you. And that but I was still happy. Sometimes, though, I just get sad.”

Kihyun pressed his lips against Changkyun’s neck and the youngest laughed because it tickled. Though they both got solemnly quiet again at the seriousness of the conversation.

“Do you need to talk to someone?” Like a therapist, goes unsaid but Changkyun understands what the older means.

“I don’t think so. It’s not like my depression is back or anything.”

“You had depression?” Kihyun sounded genuinely surprised and he sat up. Because their hands were still tangled together it pulled Changkyun up into a weird angle.

He sat up the rest of the way and sighed. No one outside of Nu’Bility and family ever knew.

“When I was moving around a lot as a child.” He remembers the gut wrenching realization that he always had to leave his friends behind. “I was super lonely.”

“My mom made me see a therapist and I was on a lot of medication. But when I started auditioning for companies I stopped taking them. I felt better,” The tears that had been sitting behind his eyes finally got released.

“But with everything that happened at the beginning with you guys really crushed me, you know?” It had killed him. Not literally, but it always felt like he was a rude comment away from ending his life. It was a dark time for him.

“I know. We know. I’m so sorry.” Kihyun was crying and Changkyun’s suspicions from earlier were true. The older looked pained and Changkyun didn’t know if it made him feel worse or better.

“I use to be suicidal, ‘Hyun.”

Changkyun let that hang in the air around them. Neither of them said anything for a while. Kihyun just stared at him, mouth slightly open and tears rolling down his neck.

“Before or..?”

“Before and after joining.”

Again there was silence. Changkyun had only confided in his mother who threatened to tell the company if he ever talked about ending his life again. That’d ruin his chances of being an idol so Changkyun had convinced her not to do that.

Kihyun pulled Changkyun into a hug. It was a little bonecrushing but Changkyun reciprocated.

“Please don’t ever get like that again.” Kihyun was starting to sob, crying harder than Changkyun himself. The youngest had ample time to handle and process this all.

“Talk to me or Hyunwoo or the managers. Please, baby.”

Changkyun just held the other while they both cried.

“I promise.”

==

Changkyun felt great after Kihyun kissed him on the cheek and dragged him to the kitchen for dinner. It felt good to be needed and wanted in the small space with Kihyun.

Kihyun’s eyes were bloodshot and if anyone saw they let him be. Changkyun’s eyes were just as red and slightly swollen from crying so long.

But now he felt ten times better than he did before. It helped that the older smiled whenever he so much as glanced at Changkyun.

==

The overwhelming happiness only lasted about a week. It lasted until they were getting ready to get on the plane for an out of country fan meet.

Everyone had fans holding signs with their names on it. Changkyun quickly realized he had the least amount of them out of everyone. Something so small to the others but big for him.

No one noticed him go quiet as he stopped joking around with Jooheon. The second youngest just started to bug the oldest members with a shrug.

In the quiet of the waiting area he had time to think. He hated having quiet time to think. Because somehow his mind always went back to pre-debut. The dark times in his life.

How when his family was getting ready to move to Boston and he had to leave everyone behind. His friends had cried really hard and begged his parents not to go.

And by the time he moved back, albeit only briefly, his old friends had moved on. They were all awkward teenagers and no one wanted to hang out with him anymore. He wasn’t their friend anymore.

The same thing happened when his family left for Israel. He had just started making friends at his school and was getting excellent grades. Only difference was these friends didn’t put up a fight when he had to go.

Everyone leaves one way or another so what’s to stop the members from leaving him? What’s to stop them from not wanting anything to do with him anymore when they realize he comes with so much baggage?

This time Hoseok notices the maknae’s face loose all color. He nudges Kihyun who looks at the youngest too and immediately recognizes the look in his eyes. It’s the same look he had when he was explaining his depression to Kihyun before.

Kihyun quickly yanked Hoseok with him to flank Changkyun. Changkyun didn’t have much time to register them closing in on him until Kihyun took his hand.

Kihyun forced Changkyun’s other hand into Hoseok’s. Hoseok looked really confused but Kihyun just glared and told him to, “Don’t let go.”

Something about the sadness on Changkyun’s face must have made Hoseok understand. Kihyun pushed his face into Changkyun’s to get him to look at him.

“You’re okay, baby.”

Changkyun just nodded and death gripped their hands. Hoseok tried not to wince.

==

Hoseok had argued for a while with Hyunwoo and the managers to get the rooms switched. Hoseok was rooming with Kihyun and Kihyun demanded Changkyun stay with them.

Of course that raised a little concern because the room only had two beds. But Kihyun quickly explained that it had a couch bed and it’d be okay. Hoseok went along with it.

Being the second oldest in the group gave him a little more pull with the managers. Jooheon didn’t seem pleased at the prospect of loosing his quality time with Changkyun. The two ere suppose to room together.

The whole time they stood int he lobby negotiating, Kihyun hadn’t let go of Changkyun’s hand. The only time he did was when they were getting off the plane because they don’t need fans on them about it. It’d only make things harder.

By the time they finally settled it and went to their room for the next few days, Changkyun looked exhausted. Whether physically or mentally Hoseok couldn’t tell. But Kihyun seemed to be able too.

Almost immediately Kihyun pulled Changkyun into the bathroom and the water . Kihyun came out a few moments later without the maknae.

“I made him take a shower. It might help.” Kihyun looked just as worn out.

“What’s going on? And don’t lie to me either.” Hoseok sat on one of the beds and patted the spot next to him. To which Kihyun joined him.

“It should be him that tells you but,” Kihyun looked torn for only a brief minute before sighing. “He had depression before becoming an idol and I think it’s coming back.”

Kihyun said it so fast that it took time for Hoseok to understand. And then it all clicked. Kihyun continued.

“He use to be suicidal. He use to want to die and I think this stress is making that way worse.”

The gravity of the realization made the atmosphere in the room change. It changed into one of awkwardness as Kihyun started crying a bit again and Hoseok didn’t know what to say or do.

Neither of them moved until the bathroom door opened and Changkyun came out in a cloud of steam. He had a robe on and it drowned him int he excess fabric.

Hoseok was quickly to his feet and hugging Changkyun as hard as he could.

Changkyun was really confused but accepted the hug anyways. He made eye contact with Kihyun and noticed the tears starting again. “What happened?” His voice was hoarse from not talking much all day.

“I told him.” Kihyun looked guilty. “I know you should have but he asked and I-”

“It’s okay, Kihyun. He needed to know anyways.”

Changkyun felt suddenly really warm at the smile Kihyun gave him. Meanwhile Hoseok just hugged him tighter so Changkyun carefully moved them back towards the bed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hoseok pulled away when they were seated. His eyes were definitely watery but he didn’t like to cry. They all knew this and Changkyun understood.

“I didn’t want to bother anyone.” His reasoning sounds rather stupid when said out loud. But he didn’t want to annoy them with his problems when they all seemed to have their own.

Hoseok looked a little disappointed but hugged Changkyun again anyways. Kihyun joined them on the bed to comfort the older. Neither had any idea Hoseok was so full of emotion.

==

“Why are you on the couch?” Hoseok asked when they were all settling into bed.

“Cause you guys have the beds?”

“No, you’re sleeping here tonight.”

Hoseok pulled up the blanket on the bed and patted the spot next to him. Changkyun didn’t have the heart to refuse the rare offer. He liked being hugged to sleep anyways.

==

The fan meeting came and went and the other members slowly found out about Changkyun’s feelings and his past. But it wasn’t like what the maknae thought it would be like.

No one got angry or said anything bad. No one downplayed his emotions or told him to go talk to someone else or seek help.

They just sat there quietly as Changkyun told them everything, crying as he did so. Kihyun had held his hand through it all. Even Hoseok had teared up again hearing more in depth about the depression.

They promised they wouldn’t mention it to the staff as long as he never acted on anything or he came to them with his problems. If it came to a point he needed more help they’d go to the company together in support.

Changkyun cried more at the thoughtfulness and the relief he felt now that they all knew.

==

“You doing okay?” Jooheon asked in the van on the way home from a show.

“Yes, I am.” The smile Changkyun gave his best friend was genuine and it made both of them feel really good. Changkyun was glad not much changed between them.

Jooheon just smiled and used Changkyun as a pillow the rest of the ride.

==

Changkyun had a random spike of anxiety about an announced comeback and it all came flooding back suddenly one day in the practice room.

Hyungwon was the only one there, trying to help their youngest get the moves down for a video they were making. When Changkyun started crying his heart hurt.

But Changkyun appreciated Hyungwon wrapping him in a jacket and hugging him despite both being sweaty. Changkyun hugged the older so tight that he was sure it must have hurt.

“You’ll be okay, baby.” Hyungwon just his hair and patted his back.

Everyone had taken to calling him that. Not only because he was the youngest but because it made him feel good and they all knew that, courtesy of Kihyun and Hoseok.

“You’ll be okay.”

==

Minhyuk was sitting on his left and Hyunwoo to his right. They each had a hand on his knee as Changkyun was talking during the interview. They were on a radio show being broad casted online.

The table covered their hands on him as his legs started to bounce from nerves. He was always more self-conscious on radio shows. Because it only takes one minute to mess something up or say the wrong thing.

During a short break while the host played a song Minhyuk leaned over to whisper to Changkyun.

“You’re doing really good. We’re here.”

It was reassuring to feel Hyunwoo squeeze his leg and smile in agreement.

“Thank you.”

He said to both of them and the rest of the members at the table smiled too.

Finally, he wasn’t alone. They weren’t gonna get tired of him and leave or move on. They weren’t gonna leave him because he was a little damaged or broken. They were fixing him.

Changkyun didn’t cry again until the cameras were off and they were walking back to the van to go home. Immediately everyone was on him, hands touching where ever they could.

But he just smiled and accepted the hugs they took turns giving him.

“I’m just so happy.”

They all softened at that and chuckled as they piled on top of each other in the van. Changkyun got seated next to Hoseok and Kihyun.

“I’m most thankful to you.” Changkyun told Kihyun quietly, watching as the older smiled.

“Hey! What about me?” Hoseok said scandalized and he looked just as shocked. Though it was painfully obvious he was acting.

“You too.”

Changkyun leaned over and pecked both o them one the cheeks. They held his hands all the way home and even on the way up to the dorms.

Changkyun was just so damn happy he couldn’t stop smiling for weeks afterwards.