I shiver under the first wave of evening coldness, that oozes from the unsealed window. I know that I should be already sleeping, but too many thoughts are disturbing my rest. It’s one of those nights when I’m just too aware of the emptiness that surrounds me. An old house is demanding my attention, creaking, rustling, crackling and from time to time whining horrifyingly. Those nighttime manifests of emptiness aren’t new to me. The sounds of the old house are something I got used to. But there are those strange nights that happen once in a while, when I just can’t fall asleep, too occupied with listening to the whispers of the wind, that can be heard in empty corridors. And tonight is just like this. I listen to the music of the night, searching for new sounds. Maybe a yawn? Or a sleepy muttering? Maybe even a creaking of a door?

I shake my head, trying to make light of my childish hopes. It’s the first night when I’m not alone in this old, rustling house. It’s the first time my thoughts wander around in such crazy areas. The restless heart provokes my imagination and sends it on a journey up wooden stairs, through narrow corridor, until the third doors on western wall. I imagine opening the door and manage to see a glimpse of bright, ruffled hair on a pillow. I watch the soft cheeks and closed eyes, but when my eyes find the slightly parted, pink lips, I abruptly back off and call my imagination to order. I intentionally blur the picture that showed up in my mind and swallow up the bitter taste of shame on my tongue.

I clench my teeth and look at the window, hoping that the waves of blowing wind would soothe me. Autumn is singing its night song, that enriches the silence. My thoughts seem to attune to the whining of the wind and flow through the darkness of a park that can be seen from my window. The thicket of trees is hiding a light of street lamps that shine brightly. Those ignis fatuus are catching my attention. Glass cloches are seeping with flowing gold, that paints trees with intensive colors of autumn. Thanks to those lonely lanterns the whole park seems to be alive. As if each golden light was able to neutralize the sad aura of this season. As if all of them came together just to enrich the landscape with some kind of uncatchable, mysterious beauty.

I sigh quietly, aware of the fact that I let those nostalgic songs of the wind to enchant me once again. If I only had such golden lantern, that would be able to enlighten the darkness of my nights…

A sudden creak of the door makes me shiver. I avert my gaze from the window.

‘Jonghyun?’ A quiet word dissipate the sad silence that possessed my room and my heart. I immediately forget about park lanterns, that are still calling me from the outside, and focus on the new source of light.

Your bright eyes make the darkness look a bit warmer. Your shy smile fights off all shady thoughts in my head. Is it possible that the autumn wind purposely sent you to me at this lonely night?

Just this single thought makes me incredibly embarrassed with myself. I shouldn’t hold such naïve hopes. I know that you’re a distant lantern and I’m just a night butterfly that fades in the darkness. I can watch you, but once I get closer, I’ll completely burn up. The only thing I’m allowed to, is enjoying the light that the fate brought to my house at this cold night.

‘Why you’re not sleeping?’ I hear you asking, your voice still quiet, as if you were afraid that every single sound may disturb the peace of the old house, that keeps on creaking in his sleep. I think otherwise. Your voice is enriching the night orchestra of wind and leaves, adding a golden accent to the landscape painted with dark colors. I wish I could tell you all of this. But I know that I’m not allowed to. That’s why I stay silent. Stubbornly and desperately. In spite of myself.

I quietly watch you opening the door widely and finally step between the shadows that surround me. Your bright hair seem to reflect with magical light that paints the gloomy walls of the room. And I watch it, enchanted, unable to avert my gaze. My stupid heart attacks me once again, sending unrealistic fantasies straight to my brain. I clench my fist on the edge of a windowsill that I’m sitting on, as the panic is slowly taking control over my body. Usually, I’m able to deal with my weakness, but tonight everything is too foggy and too surrealistic to think clearly. What makes me lose my control? Is it that your stare is more opened? Or the warmth of your body is more appealing than ever? And the most important question – how to stop those crazy thoughts from flooding my brain?

‘Are you okay?’

I shiver, feeling a soft touch of a hand on my arm. Your eyes are still looking at me expectantly, so I answer with a slight nod. I clear my throat off any forbidden words that I could accidentally let out, and finally manage to speak.

‘Yeah, it’s just…’ I stutter, as you’re taking a sit next to me. It’s amazing how accurate my earlier imagination appears to be. Your golden hair are slightly ruffled, making your face look even more innocent than usually. For a brief second I notice the fabric of your too big t-shirt, slowly slipping off your arm, but I quickly avert my gaze, feeling my heart hurting my chest. I gulp nervously, trying to form a sensible sentence. ‘I just can’t sleep when it’s so windy outside…’ I finally make up, suddenly realizing how stupid my excuse sounds. Your beautiful laugh drowns out the wind and makes me feel even worse. I bite my lip, trying to gather my senses.

‘Maybe you’re just afraid of the darkness, huh?’ You ask jokingly and I don’t have enough courage to answer, because there are too many crazy thoughts inside of my head. You’re an ignis fatuus to me and I’m scared I will startle you, because without your light I may completely drown in the darkness of the night. Does the fear of the darkness look like this? If yes, my illness is very serious. I clench my teeth and shake my head.

‘It’s just the night of thinking,’ I finally explain, glancing at the window once again. This time I don’t find the lights of street lamps soothing. This time my eyes are searching for your reflection on the glass of the window. I watch you as you follow my eyes and try to appreciate the dark landscape, probably wandering why it’s so fascinating to me. I smile fondly, noticing the small, adorable wrinkle in between your eyebrows.

‘So…’ you mumble, moving a bit closer, as if you were trying to see the same image from behind the window as me. I tense up, feeling our arms and knees touching. The tingling sensation possesses my body. I feel paralyzed. ‘What are you thinking of?’

You.

‘Light,’ I blurt out the first save word that comes to my mind. Your eyebrows are going up. Then you look outside the window even more intensively, trying to figure out my mind. It gives me a chance to drown my stare in the beauty of your face. I feel an urge to let my fingers touch the gold of your hair or to brush my thumb against your cheek. To check if your real, or if it’s just a dream; an illusion of my own, lonely imagination.

Feeling unsafe, I decide to change the subject.

‘What about you? Why you’re not sleeping?’ I ask, receiving your attention again. You smile shyly, giving me a dozen heart attacks. And even if I’m nearly dead, I still can’t complain. I’m too stunned with your closeness.

‘To be honest, I’ve got a problem with sleeping in new places…’ you answer, shrugging your shoulders. ‘Besides, I feel stupid that I invited myself like this…’ You look down.

‘Invited yourself? Come on, Kibum! I had to beg you to come here…’ I say, faster than think. It’s not a lie, but it makes me feel embarrassed with my own self.

But that’s how the truth looks like. When the evening lectures took a bit longer than it is planned and the last bus left, I did my best to convince you to stay in my place for one night. I try to not even think about how risky and dangerous my idea was. You’re just my friend, I know it well. And staying in my house is just a friend’s favor. I can manage to control my stupid heart, can’t I?

‘You’re right…’ You claim shyly, and I can’t tell if the light shade of pink on your cheeks isn’t just a play of my imagination. ‘Anyway, I saw the light downstairs, so I thought that maybe… Maybe you need some companion, too…’ You speak slowly, not looking me in the eyes. ‘So… I would say that I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking of light, too…’ Your words are a bit too shy for the situation and that confuses me. I can’t read the meaning hidden behind your statement. I’m afraid to read it. Before I manage to find a proper answer, your arms suddenly shiver.

‘Are you cold?’ I immediately ask, searching for a blanket that I could offer to you.

And then I freeze, feeling your cold fingers shyly sneaking into the grip of my hand. For a few seconds I just stare at our interlaced hands. The image is new and unbelievable, but I can’t doubt it’s real, because the tingling of my skin and the beating of my heart serve me as evidences.

‘Don’t look for blanket. It’s nice like this,’ you quietly say, leaning your cheek on my arm and causing another wave of shivers, running down my spine. I hold my breath, too afraid to make a slightest movement. Your hair are tingling my neck and I have to do my best not to go insane. It’s just a friendly gesture and nothing more, right? I shouldn’t be…

Another shiver of your body makes me unintentionally raise my arm and hug you, just to share my warmth with you. I’m surprised with the coldness of your skin. You’ve always reminded me of a distant golden lantern, alluring me with light and warmth. And the light from my imagination is really a part of you. It hides between ruffled strands of your hair, it lives in the corners of your smiling lips, it paints the depth of your brown eyes. But your skin is so cold. As if it needed someone to warm it up.

After a few moments I manage to relax a little bit. Is it an influence of your calm breathing, or the gentle glowing of your presence – I don’t know. Slowly and warily, as if I was afraid you’d disappear any second, I start to caress the cold skin of your arm with my thumb, at the same time having a difficulty in believing in what is actually happening.

Because here I am, holding in my arms the golden light, that until now has always been so distant, uncatchable, unrealistic. Forbidden. I’m cuddling the ignis fatuus that I was afraid to touch, in fear of burning up. And it turns out that he’s the one who needs warmth, much more real an alive than the illusory lanterns still standing on their windy watch outside my window.

After the whole eternity of calm breathing and sharing warmth, you raise your head and gift me with such a bright stare, that I feel sudden rush of panic on perspective of letting you disappear from my life.

‘You know, Kibum… I think I’m really afraid of the darkness…’ I whisper, worried about the impact of my childish words. You smile gently and tighten the hold of our hands.

‘Well, I’m scared of the coldness,’ you claim meaningfully, making my heart go crazy inside of my chest.

Wind is painting magical patterns on your face, as you getting closer to me. I hold my breath, paralyzed by your extraordinary stare. To the accompaniment of silence you smile gently and then connect our lips, finally sharing the light of your existence with me. I’m so shocked that it takes me a few seconds to answer to your actions. The gold of your hair is overflowing between my fingers when I place my hands on the back of your head and kiss you back, trying to give you the whole warmth that I have. To save you from the coldness of autumn night. Your closeness fights off the unfriendly colors of darkness and reorganize the shadows, so that from now on their only function is to intensify the beauty of your bright eyes. And I keep on warming up your lips, your neck, your arms.

Together we’re outfitting the night in the colors of the day, neutralizing the sad and cold sounds of autumn wind orchestra, and painting this lonely season in pure gold.

On that night I learnt that the brightness and the beauty of the golden light would never be complete without  the simple warmth of my loving hands.