"drink up! i'm so glad you're here, taehyung!" jimin cheered as he ushered a glass of champagne into his best friend's hand. it was jimin's son's 1st birthday dinner and it was attended by his closest friends. taehyung smiled and pushed the rim of the glass onto his lips, sipping the taste of the drink. 

 

he was about to reach out to the infant when his phone rang and he checked to see that it was his mother’s cell calling him. excusing himself, he got up to answer the call. it took him less than a minute to gather himself together, and head straight to the hospital. it was the 3rd time this year that she’s got herself admitted in… at least it’s not as bad as last year. it would be pathetic to call this an improvement but it honestly is. feeling sorry, taehyung sent an apology via text to his best friend for leaving abruptly in the middle of such a joyous occasion. understanding the situation rather well, jimin sent his well wishes.

 

taehyung headed to the hospital room and looked at his mother, frail and asleep in the bed. the woman is beautiful, she always is beautiful to him but she always looks so tired. she always looks so sad and it breaks his heart how he could not fix any of that. taehyung took a seat beside her and held her hand in his, holding it close to his cheek thinking that if this woman too leaves him, it would render him alone for the rest of his life. 

 

he hated how his life turned out this way. when he was younger he really believed if he worked hard, do a lot of good, he could gather all the good karma and somehow the Big Man up in the Heavens would help him turn his life around. he’s 28 and yet his life has never been any much different than it was the moment his father left the house. when his old man left, he didn’t leave much else behind, not a single piece of him he left. taehyung had to stay behind to piece together all that is broken, build his mother back up piece by piece as if a 10 year old boy like himself could have done anything more than tell his mother not to cry.

 

taehyung loves his mother. to him she is beautiful, a woman of good values but also a woman who grows so soft for the man she loves. his father on the other hand was anything but soft for his mother. the old man was rough, quick with his hands and harsh with his words. for a short while when he was really young, taehyung remembers his father as a good man who kisses his mother and him before he goes to bed. somehow, somewhere something went really wrong. the old man he used to know becomes a stranger and the only thing he does was hurt everyone around him. taehyung had wished that the older man would change, become the loving good man he was. but nothing like that ever did happen. taehyung doesn’t know why but when the old man left one day and he never came back, taehyung found himself sighing in relief. but his mother never did recover from the abandonment. she cried for days, the man who hurts her leaves and she cried for days. taehyung never understood his mother’s soft heart and he resents the old man everytime his mother cries. even now, almost 2 decades later, he couldn’t help but notice how his mother would sometimes tear up just looking at him. he hates how much he resembles the man who broke his mother like that so much so that his mere existence brings her pain.

 

taehyung knows very well what made his mother lay back in this hospital again, he doesn’t need to hear it anymore. doesn’t need to listen to the doctor’s advise of putting her in an institution or a place where she could be monitored 24/7. out of everyone, he knows his mother best. after his father left, his mother was a complete mess. finding the bigger part of her hanging in solitude. she would cry and not eat herself to the point of exhaustion. in time she goes to downing sleeping pills, thinking if she was mostly in slumber, her good son doesn’t have to watch her be pathetic. taehyung always loves his mother.

 

taehyung gets up, tucks his mother in warmly and goes down to get himself coffee and then heading to the roof for a smoke. he was sure smoking in the hospital ground was illegal but at this point, he just needed a short break. it was cold and taehyung was glad that he had his warmest jacket on. taehyung checks his phone and looks at the photo jimin just send him with the caption “he’s a little cranky his godfather isn’t around but he wishes his godfather’s mom well!”. jimin’s son was pouting and taehyung found himself smiling from ear to ear, staring at the baby’s chubby cheeks. he sighs and puts his phone back in his pocket, a bitterness clenching his heart. taehyung feels himself tearing up a little and he downed the rest of his coffee in the midst of a silent agony.

 

despite growing up with a mother who is constantly in and out of the hospital, taehyung grew up well. got into a university with a scholarship on his own, following his dreams of becoming a doctor well. he figured first of all he needs to be medically knowledgeable if he wants to take care of his mother on his own and he wanted to make their life better, to the best of his abilities. he was always the top of the class, easily gaining entrance to the most prestigious medical school in all of korea. it was in his time in university that he finally met someone who he was sure was the first of his good luck that was coming in the second phase of his life.

 

the first time he met her, it was in the school library. she was fighting a cold and was trying her best not to fall asleep on the table and taehyung found her adorable. he bought her a warm drink, made sure her head don’t hit the table and looked out for her as she slept. she was drowning in her scarf which covered most of her face save for her eyes behind her glasses so there was not much of her features for him to see. which explains why it took him a whole week to recognise her again. in fact, if it was not for her buying him a warm drink in return for his gesture the week before, he would have never seen her again. the second time he saw her, it was in the school cafe, this time, she had no scarf over her face and taehyung notices the freckles that lines her cheeks like constellation on  an alabaster canvas. she had deep dimples that shows even then she speaks and taehyung thought that she looked extremely enthralling.

 

the first time he realises he is probably falling for her was when they were out eating dinner and she had food but her eyes were so bright, he couldn’t help smiling the whole time. when she went home it felt as if parts of him was stolen and he watched her skip away as if she had done nothing wrong. the next time he realises that he had fallen in too deep was when he wakes up next to her and she has her legs over his thighs, her face snuggled into his chest. when she woke up, she stretched like a cat, breaking out into a weird dance routine she called her “wake up workout” which looked more like a robot attempting tai chi. when she lay beside him, it feels as if maybe, this is the part where his life will take a turn for the better. this is the better part of his life and he knows it.

 

 

taehyung remembers exactly when his thoughts were rebuked. it was the first, the most beautiful may and he had taken a walk in the school park which was decked with cherry blossoms. he comes into his dorm thinking that he had to bring her out later in the afternoon, she shouldn’t miss such a pretty day. he had thought that she would be in class, definitely not in front of his dorm, on the phone talking about how “she cannot be pregnant” to someone else on the other end.

 

“what- what do you mean?” was the only thing he could muster at that point and he watch her gasped a little. taehyung thought it would be conversation they could do in the privacy of his room so he ushered her in before taking a seat and letting her explain herself.

 

when she told him that she had been meaning to tell him, taehyung had been a little confused. does this mean she is pregnant… and she had known for a while? he was taken aback but it was not something that flustered him very much. taehyung loves kids, he always wanted them, especially if it meant having kids with her. someone he loves more than he could ever love, holds within her a piece of him, it felt as if the world had stopped moving. as if this was the proof of his life going good, going well. he was set to graduate soon. having children now or later is same difference to him, he did not mind it one bit. especially not since it was a kid that he is having with her. it took almost not more than 5 seconds for taehyung to call out her name lovingly, embracing her in his arms as warmly as he could. taehyung thought that finally, he could rebuild his family. show his mother that he could be a better father that his ever was.

 

it never occured to him that she never wanted any of that.

 

in his embrace, he felt her body stiffen and in confusion, he pulls away. taehyung looks at her usual bright eyes avoiding his and he felt his heart darkens. something is not right here. there was apology on her face. he was as happy as he ever was but she wasn’t. this isn’t news that is making her happy and it… breaks his heart.

 

“are you not… happy?” he asked, almost pleading she would say she was. she avoids his eyes. taehyung reaches out to her cheeks, holding both in his shaking palms, afraid that she would pull away. it breaks his little heart when she did. with her own hands, she picked his hands off her skin as if it was not suppose to hurt like it did. taehyung did not understand how it came to this. he loved her enough for them both, he always made it known how much he does. he holds her for as long as he could before she took a step back and answered him with tears in her eyes.

 

“i… don’t want this, taehyung. this shouldn’t have happened. i don’t want it.”

 

taehyung thought that maybe she was afraid. he was too but he was happy. this is good news. he tried to tell her that she isn’t alone, that he loves her, that he isn’t going anywhere. but it did not seem like any of it was reaching to her and she just… she kept apologising. she kept telling him this isn’t how it should’ve been. they should have just been in love… this isn’t what she wanted.

 

taehyung loves her. insanely. he would’ve done anything for her, given up anything for her. and yet it was only now that it occurred to him that… she did not want any of that. she never asked for it and she never wanted any of it. when she told him she didn’t want it, she did not want the baby, it broke his heart in ways nobody could imagine. this is the girl he was sure he would marry, a girl he would want to live his days with for the rest of his life having his kid and she doesn’t want it. he wanted to convince her, tell her that he’s ready, that soon enough, he will be able to take care of them both but she just stayed silence. she was in tears apologising to him as if everything so far had been a mistake. 

 

how could he have asked her for anything when she was in front of him, in tears, in complete apology for something she should have never been sorry for?

 

this was how she left: she apologised, told him it could never be, told him to forget her as if she was a blemish in his life and he stands in front of her with trying so hard to make her stay. this was how she left: she peels fingers off skin, words off mouth, his heart off her heart. she did not give him a choice when she tells him she’s leaving and they’re over. she never gave him a choice or let him say anything at all when she tells him she’s crudely getting rid of the baby, of his baby. 

 

this is how it left him: taehyung sits in his room aware and assured that this is his life, that he is never meant to have a family, that every he touches was bound to be destroyed. 

 

taehyung is 28, his mother is always in and out of the hospital because she cannot take hold of her soft heart, his best friend’s son is a year old and taehyung is on his hospital rooftop smoking and downing coffee. taehyung laughs at how his life came to be and he puts his hand over his chest. its almost a decade later and it never hurt any less - not his father leaving and not the only chance at a better life, a better family taken away from him leaving him in fear to start anything with anyone.

 

taehyung closes his eyes and he thinks of how wretched his life had been thus far. he had only ever loved people, he had always loved them earnestly asking for nothing but for them to just stay. at this juncture of his life, he is so afraid to even ask.