Time seemed to pass quickly, one week blurring into another. Taemin got hired by a department store a couple blocks away from the hospital where Jongin worked. Life passed by peacefully, and eventually Jongin's worries about his almost comparison faded into the past. And then came a day that he'd nearly forgotten in his fast-paced life. The day that would have been his and Kyungsoo's third wedding anniversary. It crept up on the unsuspecting Jongin, attacking him with an awful headache the moment he awoke.

Quickly realizing the reason of his headache, Jongin's mood quickly spiraled downwards, a mixture of sorrow, pain, and most of all, guilt washing over him. He couldn't even muster the will to get out of bed, wanting nothing more than to be alone. He'd have to take off work today. Since he had a shift in the middle of the day, he had time to call in. Taemin shifted next to him. 

Taemin.

Oh God. What was Jongin supposed to do about Taemin? He really didn't feel up to being around his boyfriend today. He sighed, rubbing his temples. That stupid headache wouldn't be going away for a while, he knew. 

"Jongin?" Taemin's voice, still heavy with sleep, sounded from beside him. He didn't answer, resting an arm across his face, over his eyes. He didn't want to be anywhere near Taemin, he didn't want to see or talk to him, but talking, unfortunately, was inevitable. "Are you awake? Is something wrong?" Taemin sounded more awake now, a worried tone slipping into his voice. 

"Please just hurry and go to work," Jongin half-whispered. "I can't say why, just... please go, okay?" 

"Jongin, why are you saying this? I'll go, I guess, but you owe me an explanation later." 

He nodded. He just wanted Taemin to leave. The bed shifted, and for a few minutes, Jongin just listened to the sounds of Taemin getting ready for work. And then, the bedroom door closed, and he was alone. 

He rolled to face the side of the bed that Taemin had been occupying until a few minutes ago, reaching out and taking the pillow from that side. He pressed it close to his face, but recoiled in shock a moment later. It smelled like Taemin, all traces of Kyungsoo gone from it. He should have expected as much, but it still came as a surprise.

He pushed the pillow away, resenting its very existence. He felt sick. The dull throb in his head grew to a pounding, and he had the sudden urge to throw up. He barely even made it to the bathroom in time, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. 

At least when he called in he would actually sound sick. 

*****

Jongin found himself at Kyungsoo's grave, a bouquet of deep red carnations in his hands. He'd bought them on the way, not wanting to show up empty handed, and remembering just how much Kyungsoo loved them. He lowered himself to his knees in front of Kyungsoo's headstone, gently placing the carnations at the base. He ran his hands over the cold, smooth surface of the marble, interrupted only by the curves of the letters etched into it. 

"I'm sorry," Jongin whispered, tears blurring his vision. He hadn't meant to start crying already. "Can you forgive me? I just want to feel happy again." 

He knelt in silence, eventually opting to sit down on the hard ground rather than kneel. 

"I want to be happy," He finally said, talking to the headstone as if somehow, miraculously, he could get advice from the cold, unforgiving stone. "But I don't know if being with... him is the way to do it. I don't know if he makes me happy, what am I supposed to do? I really like him, and he has made me happy before, but will it always be like that? And why isn't it all the time? I remember with you it was constant, whenever I was with you I was fine, but I don't think it's the same with him. Half the time I'm still miserable. What do I do?"

There was no answer. Not that Jongin was actually expecting one, but he had to vent, he had to ask Kyungsoo for advice and forgiveness, wherever his deceased lover might be. He just hoped that wherever his old lover was, he was listening, and still loved him, even though he was being unfaithful. 

But was he really being unfaithful? Jongin no longer knew. 

He leaned his head against the even surface of headstone, briefly closing his eyes before opening them again, looking skywards. He had nothing else to do. So until he had to show up for his late night shift, Jongin spent the rest of his time sitting by Kyungsoo's grave, smiling through tears that wouldn't stop falling as he reminisced the good times they'd spent together. 

*****

"You didn't come home yesterday." 

"Glad to know you're happy I'm home." Sarcasm dripped from Jongin's voice. He was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and wanted nothing more than to sleep. He'd finally finished his shift, coming home at seven thirty in the morning, only for Taemin to be waiting for him at the door. He was not in the mood. 

"Jongin," 

"I'm going to sleep, I've been up for nearly twenty four hours. I'll see you later." 

"Jongin." 

"Goodnight." 

"It's seven thirty in the morning!"

"Goodnight." Jongin forced the word out through gritted teeth. He was going to sleep, nothing would stop him. 

"Fine, then. I'm going to work." Taemin sounded irritated. Jongin didn't bother to look back at him. The apartment door slammed shut a moment later, and Jongin retreated to the bedroom, not even bothering to take his clothes off before falling into bed, mind dissolving into a dreamless sleep. 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A/N

Hi, I'm back with a double post, sorry for taking so long, I'll be back with the next four chapters soon, though I don't know if I'll be able to publish or write this weekend because I'll be away, but hopefully I'll figure something out so at least one chapter gets published before then. 

Thanks so much to all my readers and subscribers, and those of you that upvoted this fic, you're all the best and I'm so so so sorry that I've fallen so behind,,,

Thanks for reading!<3

-H