It’s two in the morning. 

 

 

I got home half an hour ago from the graduation party. It was a whole cluster of chaos and mayhem. So much emotional screaming of how finally hell is over and now we are onto another path to hell. But admittedly it was the most fun I’ve had in a while.

 

 

It’s been such a long day and yet for some reason, sleep doesn’t come to me. 

 

 

I’ve bathed. Watched tv. I’ve phased around a couple of times, trying to clean up my apartment, sorting the books on my shelf, vacuuming even, to no avail.

 

 

It’s no use. I’m wide awake.

 

 

Over and over, this one moment kept playing inside my head. 

I could only see one face like it’s haunting me.

 

 

But the doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts. 

 

 

At this hour?

 

 

And I am a bit of a paranoid freak too, you know? I grabbed the closest thing I could get a hold of. 

 

 

A bottle of lotion. 

I don’t know how I’m going to protect my self with it but hey, at least I have something to throw, right?

 

 

I went to the door, and looked through the peep hole. 

 

 

My heart is thumping really fast.

 

 

I couldn’t see anything. It was pitch black for some reason. 

 

 

“Who is it?” I asked through the door.

 

 

I heard something. But I couldn’t make anything out of it.

 

 

“W-Who is it?” I asked louder this time.

 

 

I heard it again. This time it sounded like…. my name. It was slurred but I could tell he was trying to say my name.

 

 

I took a breath and told my self, it. Let’s see who it is.

 

 

I pulled the door open and two seconds later found my self pinned to the ground.

 

 

Shinwon was barely conscious on top of me.

 

 

Quickly, I pushed him off. And damn he was heavy.

 

 

“What the hell are you doing here?!” I sat him up against the wall. His head falling side to side. The man could barely open his eyes and he reeked of alcohol. 

 

 

“Are you drunk?”

 

 

He kept his head low. 

Trying to mutter something again. 

I only heard slurs.

 

 

Unexpectedly, he took my hand and it was only then that I realized he was holding a bouquet of flowers. 

 

 

He handed it to me…

 

 

I wanted to ask what it was for. But something inside me knew. 

 

 

I knew because I saw him at the graduation ceremony.

 

 

I saw him holding the same bouquet. 

 

 

He was staring at me. I stared back. 

 

 

And I remember thinking, please let him come over here. Please don’t give the flowers to any one else.

 

 

But the crowd came in and soon enough there was no sight of him anywhere.

 

 

He never did come. 

 

 

“I’m sorry.” He said.

 

 

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t understand why he looked like he was about to burst out crying. A part of me wanted to laugh because I’ve never seen him like this. The other part wanted to hear what he had left to say.

 

 

“I’m sorry.” He says it again.

 

 

“For what?” I asked him.

 

 

“I’m a coward. Shinwon is a coward.” He scratched his hair in frustration.

 

 

I thought, oh boy, he is way out of his wits right now.

 

 

But I had to hear what he wanted to say. “What did Shinwon do?”

 

 

He looked me in the eyes.

 

 

Suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore.

 

 

It hurts. 

Seeing him so sad like this. 

Sad enough to have gotten so wasted.

 

 

“I couldn’t take the steps.” He began explaining. “I saw Yeoone coming up to you. And I couldn’t take the steps. I froze.”

 

 

He was talking about the ceremony.

 

 

“I wanted to give you the flowers.” Oh, the frustration in his eyes. “But all the courage I saved up ran out the window when I saw him hand you that expensive bouquet.”

 

 

If he only knew. I didn’t want to take it. I really didn’t. 

 

 

“I thought to my self, How could I beat that? I got you five cheap pieces of sunflowers!” He grabbed the bouquet and threw it across the room. “You deserve better.”

 

 

And suddenly everything hurts.

My heart.

My mind.

Everything.

 

 

“You’re right Shinwon.” I told him. “I do deserve better.”

 

 

It got quiet for a minute. 

 

 

He just stared at me, so hurt and devastated, thinking I liked Yeoone. And me thinking why do I like this dumb idiot. 

 

 

As steady as he could, he got up off the floor. Wiping his eyes. Dusting of his pants.

 

 

He was walking out the door before I could say anything else.

 

 

“I DESERVE BETTER, SHINWON!” I screamed at him, even threw the bouquet at him as he went.

 

 

Thank God he stopped. 

 

 

“The steps you couldn’t take! The words you couldn’t say every time you looked at me!”

 

 

He turned around, picked up the sunflowers.

 

 

“The flowers you never gave.” I sobbed. Goddamn it, I sobbed like a child.

 

 

I deserved everything he’s been holding back.

 

 

I wanted to punch him in the face. 

 

 

It was infuriating. 

 

 

Why should I explain my self? 

Why should I be the one to confess? 

I wanted to hear it from him first. 

 

 

But it came pouring out anyway.

 

 

“I never wanted expensive flowers. All I wanted was you.”

 

 

He took one step towards me. 

And I thought he was going to speak. 

 

 

But his arm slipped so quick behind me, pulling me in.

 

 

I took one tiny breath and closed my eyes before he kissed me.

 

 

It was like everything I ever imagined.

 

 

Soft and sweet.

 

 

And when it was over, I wanted more.

 

 

“I love you.” He said. 

 

 

A bit drunk and slurry, and he might forget it ever happened tomorrow, but, that was all I wanted.

 

 

I sighed. “Finally.”

 

 

He chuckled and kissed me one more time.

 

 

“You better not hang around that Yeoone kid anymore.”

 

“Why don’t you go and tell him that yourself?”

 

“Maybe I will!”

 

 

 

I doubt he could, though.