Hoseok is a lot of things. He’s hilarious, beautiful, kind, compassionate, hard working and talented, if you could say so yourself. But if his name and any form of compliment slipped out of anyone’s mouth in the same sentence, he’d be nothing but humble; cheeks pinking and words of denial muttered under his breath. Although, everyone knew that deep down, he knows that it's all true. Something you’d say Hoseok didn’t know he was, though?

Your crush.

He’s hilarious, beautiful, kind, compassionate, hard working, talented and quite possibly the love of your life. And god help you, if he did know.

--

It’s a bright and early Friday morning that sounds like robins singing from the trees and breakfast sizzling on the frying pan. You wake up to the sound of your alarm that is your favourite song at the moment and you grumble, literally rolling out of bed, your hair disheveled. You quickly tap on the phone’s screen before setting it down to carry out your morning routine.

As if on cue, your phone vibrates numerous times. Jin, you roll your eyes as you leave it to vibrate for what seems like forever.

Your best friend was talented. He could sing, act and could pass as a good dancer if you looked from afar. His fourth talent? “Double” texting (that was more like twenty-texting in his case).

Jin: hey
Jin: are u awake
Jin: ???????
Jin: why aren’t u replying to my texts
Jin: ???????????//////// is this
Jin: what 6? 7? Years of friendship means?
Jin: not replying to tests
Jin: texts*
Jin: lmao tests
Jin: ????????? I need to talk about something important
Jin: ok u I’ll ask someone else to come with me to Namjoon’s party
Jin: binch

By the time you checked your phone, you were in front of your locker, putting your binders away and being glared at your by supposed mature, senior student best friend.

“All I’m asking is that you send your messages in sentences and that you don’t break up every word and send them as an individual text,” you said plainly, causing Jin glare at you even harder. “Anyways, why is Namjoon throwing a party?”

“Taehyung and Jimin somehow convinced him that people throw really late parties for Easter,” Jin replies, walking you to your class.

“A party for the lord that involves alcohol and possibly inappropriate dancing?” you ask, incredulously.

“…Yes.”

“…Nearly two months after Easter?”

“Okay listen, Namjoon is whipped for those kids,” Jin sighs in exasperation.

You shake your head and laugh at the idea. Surely there’s no way Namjoon could back out of this now that word has spread. There hasn’t been one party that Namjoon has thrown that wasn’t influenced by Taehyung, Jimin or Jungkook. The other thing that his parties had in common was that they didn’t involve you. Ever.

You were never a party animal and you pretty sure that you’d never become one. You didn’t drink, let alone grind at your school’s semi formal. Despite being invited to every single party, not once have you ever actually gone to one. “No thanks,” you reply curtly, pressing your lips together. “You know I don’t party, so I don’t know why this time’s any different,” you sigh, hanging outside your classroom’s door

“Morning,” you hear a voice behind you say, causing you to blush. That bright and welcoming voice could only belong to one person.

“Morning Hobi,” Jin greets back as you curse under your breath, turning around to face the man that God spent extra time in creating.

“Good morning,” you smile at your classmate, cheeks still tinted.

It wasn’t like you were so infatuated with him that you couldn’t hold a proper conversation. It was never like that; not once in the three years that you’ve liked him. It was difficult not holding a proper conversation with someone like him. Not to mention the fact that he was one of your closest friends.

But no matter who it was, Hoseok always made sure they were comfortable around him. He was like a grocery store’s automatic doors, as strange as it sounds; open and inviting.

“Ah sorry, I’d love to chat but I need to talk to the teacher,” Hoseok laughs, ruffling his brown hair. “Can I squeeze through?”

The two of you nod and allow him to pass, standing beside the door now.

“This difference is that Hoseok is going,” Jin whispers, smirking slightly, “as a single young man.”

The bell rings and Jin is suddenly running off into the distance, shouting something along the lines of see you at lunch. Sighing, you take your seat by the window that is conveniently right beside Hoseok.

A single Hoseok was rare and for good reason, seeing how beautiful he was, inside and out. The mere thought of having a chance with him made you red all over again. You slammed your face down on your desk and whined.

“You okay?” Hoseok asks, poking at your cheek and smiling.

You whined louder.

Today was going to be a long day.

--

It’s Tuesday evening and you have two multi-unit tests scheduled for Thursday. You’re beyond stressed and a part of you wants to give up, both on life and cramming. That is, until a certain someone comes to disturb you.

“Studying hard or hardly studying?” you hear Hoseok’s voice along with the sound of a chair scraping against the floor.

“Studying hard until you came,” you giggle, flipping to the next page of your book. “What are you doing in the library?”

“To see you,” Hoseok winks, nudging your side. You scoff and turn away, biting the inside of your cheek to keep from smiling like an idiot. “Just kidding, I have a test tomorrow and my family was being way too loud.”

“And sitting with me will increase your productivity?” you raise a brow.

“Maybe,” Hoseok grins, showing off his pearly whites.

It doesn’t even take an hour until you’ve closed your books and abandoned all hope of learning. You somehow end up sharing a pair of earphones with Hoseok as you stream a horror movie on your laptop (the same one that you intended to use to create a study guide for an upcoming test).

You aren’t sure whose idea it was to do this, but you don’t think you care anymore if it meant spending time with your crush. Especially when you two were gripping each other’s hands so tightly, fearing that monsters would jump out of the screen.

By the end of the movie, you’re clinging onto each other in an involuntarily hug, cheeks practically pressed against each other’s. The end credits roll and it occurs to you just how intimate the two of you are. You clumsily peel yourself from the boy and mumble something about going home, pulling the earphone out.

Hoseok clears his throat and quickly collects himself, as if he wasn’t internally screaming thirty minutes ago. “Want me to walk you home?” he offers, beginning to stuff his things in his bag. “I mean, it’s getting dark out and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

In your three or so years of friendship, this was the first time he ever offered to walk you home by himself. There were many instances when Jin walked you home, and even Taehyung and Jimin from time to time, but Hoseok was a first.

It’s the same old kind and caring Hoseok, you tell yourself. Always helping others. Nothing worth getting emotional about. He would do the same for anyone else.

“If it’s no trouble, I guess,” you grin, slipping on your backpack.

The two of you walk out of the library with his arm resting on top of your head and his pace slowing to match yours; just as he always has.

He’d do the same for anyone else, but that didn’t mean you felt any less self conscious.

--

“He’s never walked any girl home that he wasn’t interested in,” Jimin answers your question the following day, taking a bite of his sweet bun.

“Are you sure?” you ask again, grabbing the bun from his hands. “Isn’t he like? Mr. Nicest Guy on Earth who treats everyone like royalty?”

Jimin lets out a whine and snatches his lunch back. “I’m pretty sure. I only ever recall him walking home his girlfriends.”

You blink at Jimin in utter confusion, causing Taehyung and Seokjin to laugh in response. The gears in your brain were whirring in attempt to process what your friend just said. You weren’t a girl of interest to Hoseok. Sure, he had some interest in you, due to your status as close friends, but definitely not in that way. You were overcomplicating things and you knew it.

“Why do you want to know who Hoseok walks home anyways?” Jungkook muses, scratching his head dramatically. The tone of his voice seemed to be laced with more sarcasm than curiosity.

Seokjin shoots you a knowing smile while Taehyung and Jimin snicker beside him. You simply pout your lips in response and cross your arms.

“Yeah, why do you want to know who Hoseok walks home?” Taehyung teases, poking your side.

“Who wants to know what about Hoseok?” the man himself inquires, placing a carton of strawberry milk in front of you. You hide your face with your hair as he pulls up a seat beside you, Namjoon and Yoongi following behind.

You turn away from him and grumble. “Nobody wants to know anything about you!” you hiss, fed up with everybody (including yourself). Picking up your bag, you stomp away in embarrassment in attempt to find a place to think.

There’s a hint of confusion and hurt written on Hoseok’s face when you leave the cafeteria without accepting his tiny act of kindness. “I thought you guys said she likes strawberry milk,” he grimaces.

Namjoon can’t help but to crack up at your outburst and Hoseok’s defeated posture.

“Could they be any more obvious?” Yoongi complains to no one in particular, propping a hand underneath his chin.

--

“You know what I hate? Math,” Jungkook complains loudly, as you all walk to your regular snack shop. “And English and science and social studies and…”

“So you hate school?” Yoongi interjects, browsing through his phone, tripping over a twig.

“No. I like P.E,” Jungkook retorts with a furrow of the brows, paying no mind to Yoongi’s condition.

Your friends talk over each other as they always do and it feels like you’re in the middle of busy down town. You walked slower than they did and for some freakish reason, you were the only girl in their circle of friends. Occasionally, they’d have conversations that you had no idea on how to contribute to. It’d be a lie if you didn’t feel excluded sometimes, but it couldn’t be helped.

This time you didn’t think minded as much, your thoughts elsewhere; that somewhere being the concept of having a chance with Hoseok. Jin’s suggestion at lunch resonated in your head. Just pull him aside at the party and confess,” he had said. “It’s almost the end of school and I’m not going to be here next year. It’ll just be you and Hoseok.” It all sounded ridiculous to you still.

“You seem kind of down today,” Hoseok comments, adjusting his steps to walk beside you, tilting his head to catch your eyes. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” you smile. “Just thinking.”

“Want me to think with you?” he offers, throwing an arm around you and drawing you closer. Something he often did to remind you he was there if you needed him. “You seem stressed. What’s on your mind?”

You.

“I was just thinking about my assignments due after the weekend,” you lie through your teeth.

“I see,” he pouts a little. “I wish I could help you, but I’m swamped too,” he laughs. A sound that you’ve become very attached to.

“But speaking of weekends, are you going to Namjoon’s next Saturday?” Hoseok asks, catching your eyes.

“Maybe.”

--

You weren’t the only one who found Hoseok captivating. In fact, everyone did. This was common knowledge around the school. But when you heard your friend talk about him after class one day, you suddenly felt uncomfortable.

“He’s really cute,” your friend said to you. “I’d date him, no hesitation.”

“Well, I mean he’s been single for a couple of months. You definitely could,” another classmate added. “I was thinking about hooking up with him, to be honest.”

“Do you think he does hook ups though?”

“We’ll see about that,” the girls laughed.

A feeling of anxiety washed over you the more your peers spoke about him. It didn’t take long for you to excuse yourself from the conversation due to what you called a forgotten guidance counsellor appointment.

Hearing others talk about Hoseok made you feel unnecessarily jealous. He wasn’t your boyfriend. What right did you have to be angry at those girls?

None.

It still hurt though.

--

“I don’t think I want to go anymore,” you tell Jin over video call, burying your face in your favourite plush toy. It’s Friday night and the more you thought about the party and confessing to Hoseok, the less you wanted to go. There were only two ways things could go; either Hoseok accepts you or rejects you. But the very idea of him rejecting you made you dizzy.

Jin reprimands you in more ways than one, but you’re not sure if you can handle the heart ache if Hoseok doesn’t reciprocate.

“Listen, I know it’s overwhelming, but you have to do this eventually,” Jin softens, seeing you in distress over video call. “So what if he rejects you? At least you’ll know to stop wasting time and affection over him.”

“I hate you,” you mumbled into teddy bear, slouching in your chair.

You often hated Jin when he was right.

--

“Can you just throw on some jeans or something so we can go?” Jin groans loudly, laying in your bed as you rummage through your closet.

“Listen punk, this is my first high school party and I intend on looking good at it,” you hiss, taking out the tenth shirt of the night.

“You know we still have to pick up our three children right?” he reminds you, as he rolls off the mattress to help you look for an outfit. “Taehyung has texted me three times already asking where we are and I’ve told him three times that we have yet to leave your house.”

You let out a cry and drop to the floor. Parties weren’t your thing; they stressed you out and you knew that better than anyone. But how was it that you were stressed about a party before you even got there?

“Okay here,” Jin says, shoving a pair of cute shorts you forgot you had and a crop top into your lap. “Nothing says summer like showing some skin,” he deadpans, as he shoves you into your washroom. “If you come out and you don’t look as nice as I thought you would, just throw on my jacket and let’s go. Got it? Good.”

The moment you arrive at Namjoon’s castle of a house, the place is already half trashed with a good quarter of party goers wasted. Music is blaring in all directions and you aren’t sure how none of the neighbours have made a complaint yet. Or maybe it was because they were attending the party too. Who even knew at this point?

Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook practically jump out of the car and run off to god knows where once the car is parked, leaving you with your best friend. The scent of alcohol and perfume is heavy in the air and you’re pretty sure you want to go home, but you came here with a purpose and you refused to leave without fulfilling it.

“Come on, let’s go find your man,” Jin jokes, taking your hand and dragging you into Namjoon’s home. Your best friend holds onto your hand tight so you don’t get lost in the mess of people, as you whip your head around looking for him.

Unfortunately, Seokjin’s tight isn’t tight enough and suddenly you’re surrounded by mostly unfamiliar faces and some you rarely interact with, never mind the only one you wanted to see tonight.

“Hey,” someone greets you, pulling you in from the crowd for a quick side hug. You look up in shock, letting out a breath when you realize it’s just Namjoon. “You look good. How’s your first party going? I only throw the best.”

“It’s… going,” you reply, scrunching up your face. What Namjoon considered the best parties probably meant the worst experience for you. “I lost Jin and now I’m just kind of… here.”

Namjoon ruffles your hair and chuckles. “Go socialize,” he lightly chides. A voice calls for him from across the room and your conversation is cut short, much to your dismay. “Hold on,” he shouts back. “I have to deal with something right now but if you need anything, text me. At least try to have fun, okay?” Then he was off, ditching you in the corner of the living room.

To say that you didn’t try to have fun would be a lie, because you really did. But despite how hard you tried to mingle with drunkards and dance to the extremely loud EDM blasting from the speakers, you just couldn’t. You felt uncomfortable, lonely and far too sweaty for your liking. You were out of your element and soon enough, out of Namjoon’s home.

You rub your hands against your arms when the summer air hits and frown. You wonder just what on earth you would do now, especially considering the unlikelihood of finding your crush in a house of what felt like a thousand people. Perhaps you would confess another day—or maybe never, you think bitterly.

Sending Jin a quick text letting him know where you are and to not worry, you proceed to go wherever your legs would take you. Just as long as it wasn’t here.

“Hey,” someone calls out to you, not even a second after you reach the sidewalk. When you turn around, you find a slightly out of breath Hoseok in front of you, dazzling smile and all.

“Hey,” you blush, slightly embarrassed that you’ve been caught leaving the party before its and partially due to how gorgeous your crush looked.

“I’ve been looking for you all night,” he confesses, shoving his hands in the pockets of the black bomber jacket you liked so much.

“Why?” you laugh in response, timidly running your fingers through your hair.

“I figured you would want company at your first party. But I guess you don’t need me anymore,” he answers, noticing that you were trying to leave. “Are you alright?” Hoseok softens, concern apparent on his face.

“Yeah, just a little overwhelmed,” you bite your lip, fiddling with the hem of your sleeve. “What about you though? You haven’t been looking for me all this time, right? What are you doing out here?”

“I guess I got overwhelmed too,” he admits, voice quieter than before. You aren’t sure how someone as extroverted as Hoseok could possibly get overwhelmed by a party, mostly since he’d been to them tonnes of times before. It doesn’t make sense but you don’t question it; not when the enthusiasm in his voice returns.

“Let’s leave,” Hoseok beams, catching you off guard.

“What?”

“You heard me,” he chuckles.

“Are you sure? Won’t your friends miss you? And like, basically every person in Joon’s house right now?

Hoseok bites back a smile and shakes his head. “Nope. And besides, there’ll be other parties. I’m not too sure about parties involving you though.”

“Where would we even go?” you mumble.

“Why don’t we find out?”

--

“Stop! You’re so ugly,” you screech, rolling around the grass from laughing so hard.

Hoseok doesn’t though. He continues to dash towards the huge oak tree the two of you have been laying under for the past hour, trying to run up it.

“You won’t do it, Hobi,” you shout, sitting up. “There’s absolutely no way that you can get up to that branch without using your hands.”

When Hoseok slips down for the third time, you can’t help but to crack up again. “Okay fine, maybe I can’t do it right now, but just watch! One day, I’ll climb this tree and you’ll rue the day you doubted me,” he argues, sitting back down beside you, leaning against the tree.

“Alright, jungle-man Hoseok,” you snicker. “I’ll be waiting until then.”

Night has fallen and the stars have begun to make their appearance on the stage that is the sky, joining the moon in its performance. The summer air is crisp and smells like a medley of flowers. It’s a little chillier than it was before so you pull your legs in and wrap your arms around them, trying to conserve whatever warmth you had before.

“Are you cold?” Hoseok questions, not even waiting for an answer to drape his jacket over your shoulders.

“I was,” you laugh. “Thanks.”

“No,” Hoseok stares at you and smiles. “Thank you.”

A part of you swears he was looking at your lips, even just for a second, but you rid your head of the thought. “For what?” you prompt.

“Tonight,” he grins, shifting his gaze to what lies above. “Whatever tonight was, I guess.”

You lean back and let out a contented sigh. “I feel the same way.”

“No, but like seriously. Thank you,” he continues, eyes still focussed on the sky. “Truthfully, I’ve been feeling really lousy lately with all this stress building up and I think today it just got too much. Too many people, too many conversations, too many fears, too many emotions, too many things to keep up with… I think I burned myself out from trying to stay so positive all the time,” he whispers, closing his eyes.

Hoseok’s smile finally falters for the first time tonight and what feels like the first time in forever. There was not even a trace of a smirk on his lips. Hoseok smiled a lot and that made you smile too. Everything he did subconsciously made you smile. Hence, with his face was void of any emotion at this moment, only having dark circles and shut eyes on display, it dawned on you.

Perhaps you were too blinded by your own happiness that you didn’t notice that his grins were just a forced tug of the lips. He feels lonely sometimes too; he faces hardships just like anybody else. He isn’t obligated to feel certain emotions for the sake of others.

Hoseok is a lot of things, but a robot is not one.

“Then don’t,” you blurt out. Your hands clench into fists from frustration; frustration that Hoseok refused to express. “Don’t burn yourself out. If you’re unhappy, say it. Do something about it. You don’t owe anything to anybody.”

“I’m sorry, I think I got too heated,” you grimace, relaxing your body. “I just… want you to be happy.” you trail off.

“Thank you,” Hoseok whispers, as he gives a small smile. A real one, you think.

It’s probably midnight by now but you don’t think you care. You thank Seokjin in your head and watch clouds float by, wondering if you would ever be blessed with another night like this. Everything felt perfect.

Hoseok hums your name and you immediately turn to face him, awkwardly tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

Every time he said your name it felt like your heart would jump out of your chest. It was a foolish wish, but whenever you heard it come out of his mouth, you wanted him and only him to say it.

“Your friend confessed to me the other day,” Hoseok says all of a sudden, your face going pale. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot but it’s like, what have I got to lose right? What do you think?”

A silence falls between the two of you, save for the sound of your heart shattering resounding in your head. The park is calm as the moon shines down on the earth, all of the stars in the world shimmering from the distance. When you look at Hoseok, it looks as if a halo forms at the crown of his head as he’s basked in moonlight, eyes fixated on the glistening sky above.

Everything is beautiful and you hate it. It’s as if the heavens were reminding you of things you never forgot. No matter how close you are to perfection; you’ll never have it.

Hoseok would never be yours.

 “They say that if you look someone in the eyes for three minutes, you’ll fall in love,” you mutter under your breath, drawing Hoseok’s attention away from the stars.

“Yeah?”

“So why is it that every time I look at you, it feels like my heart is breaking?”

The night is far too stunning for you to hurry back to Namjoon’s house; too wonderful for you to call your best friend in a shaky voice.

Tonight is too magnificent for you to have your heart broken, after finally believing you had a chance.

Life was too cruel sometimes.

It’s been a month since you last spoke to Hoseok. After the weekend of Namjoon’s party, you went ghost. You sat at the front of the class and left immediately when the bell rang. You avoided the cafeteria for the most part, opting to eat wherever Hoseok didn’t. You took the long way home and stayed in on weekends. Every time you made eye contact, or came within five feet of Hoseok, you ran.

The first week was the hardest. Wherever you went, he would go too. You didn’t want to hear what you already knew. It was bad enough hearing about his interest in your classmate. You didn’t need any more clarification. You didn’t need to be rejected twice.

By the second week, you took extra care in avoiding him. You walked exceptionally slow in hallways to check the surrounding area and practically sprinted, leaving the school building.

The third week went by quickly. The loneliness began to settle in, but you did whatever you could to keep your mind off of it. Loneliness was better than heartache. You hated the way you were acting, but it felt like the only thing you could do was cut off all contact with Hoseok.

Your only saving grace from total isolation was Seokjin.

“It’s been like three weeks, you can’t keep running away from him forever,” Jin said to you one night, standing over your bed.

“As long as I still have legs, no chance,” you protest, as you hide under your covers. “I’m not having this conversation.”

“Everyone’s been wondering where you’ve been,” he continues, rolling you out of your blanket cocoon. 

“Let them.”

Seokjin huffs at your stubbornness. Despite anything he had to say, you would remain static. There was less than a month until summer vacation and that was all the time you needed to get over Hoseok. Your only issue was waiting for the time to arrive. Summer vacation meant two months to do whatever you could to get over Hoseok.

That’s what summer vacation was supposed to be, at least, until one fateful night, days before school ended.

“Where’s Jin?” you ask with a practically shaky voice, legs pulled close to your body as you sat on the grass. You felt a sense of déjà vu that you desperately wanted to shake off.

“Not here,” Hoseok answers apprehensively, looking at the ground.

“Oh I see,” you mutter, immediately standing up. You weren’t stupid; you knew what was happening. You thought it’d be easier seeing him after all that time, but it wasn’t. If anything, it hurt more. It made you wonder if all your efforts were futile. Your heart was wavering again.

Hoseok scrambles to hold you back, willing you to look at him. “No wait,” he pleads, retracting his hand from your arm. “Give me five minutes. No, I lied, ten. I just need ten minutes of your time. Please.”

Your brain was screaming at you to walk away, or to better yet, run, but none of that mattered if your feet were planted to the ground. “Okay,” you whisper. Hoseok gives you a tiny, appreciative smile; something that still makes your heart flutter, you notice.

“I’m sorry I thought I was being obvious about how I felt about you for the longest time,” he apologizes, clutching the back of his neck. “I guess not, huh? Here’s me being as clear as I can be then.”

Taken aback is an understatement of how you feel. Your voice is stuck in your throat, every word ready to spill out just on the tip of your tongue. You couldn’t comprehend what was happening.

“I like you. I’ve always liked you. And at this moment, I really, really like you and I hope you still mean the words you said that night at the party.”

“You mean when I told you it felt like my heart was breaking just looking at you?”

“No,” Hoseok shakes his head, taking your hands into his. “When you told me if you look someone in the eyes for three minutes, you’ll fall in love.”

It feels like your heart is about to explode, when he locks his eyes on yours and starts counting from one. There’s a certain glint in his eye that speaks volumes, but you can’t seem to understand with the sound of your heartbeat drowning everything out.

By sixty seconds, you’re sure your cheeks are on fire and that your hands have become clammy, but Hoseok never breaks his gaze or releases your hands. If anything, you swear his grip tightens. You want to look away but you’re frozen in place and lost in his everything.

By a hundred and twenty, Hoseok steps closer, intertwining your fingers with his. His voice is low and smooth and music to your ears. As if that wasn’t enough, you’re drowning in the scent of his cologne and his very existence itself.

“179… 180,” Hoseok whispers, resting his forehead against yours. “Do you love me again?”

It doesn’t take you another three minutes to kiss him.

“I don’t think I stopped.”