I loved you in silence.

Without my knowledge alone, my heart would begin to beat faster when you were merely passing by in front of me. I never knew it was then that I had felt something more than simple emotion for what I was seeing.

Eloquent. Clever. We shared one class together but in there I discovered that there was more to you than just your pleasing surface. Since that day, I had wished that the heavens above us would make a way for myself to be closer to you. 

Because I had this improbable hope that maybe you’d see something in me that I had always seen in you.

Finals—the professor assigned partners for each of us. As it had been a habit, I was already preparing myself to be teamed with my only friend in the room. But there was change. My name had been called without his to follow.

It was your name. And we were instructed to write a paper on the most ridiculous but timely of topics: romance.

My face couldn’t have been more red and I couldn’t have been more embarrassed to look at you with color all over me.

“Are you okay?” You asked. You even laid your hand on my shoulder.

“Y-yeah,” I stuttered. The nerves were getting more and more evident by the second.

The library wasn’t full of students. The time was quarter to 6 in the evening. In some other circumstance, this could’ve been a date. It did seem like it because we were sitting only inches apart from each other. And you were smiling at me and your eyes were speaking to me in depths that no one had ever reached.

I tried to keep myself from being smitten but you were just too much that I had to show at least vaguely how much I enjoyed being with you—I meant, working with you.

“This is nice,” I said. I had to look away. I had to stop myself from appearing like a total idiot.

“Yes, it is. I’m glad that we’ve become partners for this project.”

Did I hear that correctly? You were glad that we became partners? I couldn’t believe it.

When I got back to my dorm, I played this in an infinite loop along with your laughter from when I had written those lines you thought were hilarious.

However, I had realized that everything had its due. We had to submit this project as soon as we’d finish it. And then, I would probably never see you again. I'd return to my rightful place: that classmate you didn’t even know existed in your class until your name was called after hers.

This was a scornful thought that diverted me from my end of the work. I wanted for time to slow down. I wanted for our paper to end just a little later than everyone else’s. I wanted to be with you longer. I wanted to be with you all the time. In that library or anywhere.

My heart could no longer deny the force that you had brought in me that only gave me the urge to do what I had been wanting to do since the day I felt it race out of my shirt when you looked at me as you walked down the hall. I could still feel the wind that you left on my skin that afternoon.

And so, I had done every possible method to waver the seconds that ticked. Came late to our meetings, asked for an overtime to review our progress, called you late at night for your opinion on something. I had to buy myself more time to perfect the words that were going to flow right out of me. I wanted to say it as though every beat of my heart would be audible from my mouth.

I couldn’t love you in silence anymore.

When it was time for the both of us to leave, when we had both packed our pens and our papers back into our bags, and when it was time for the last time we could ever be in that place again, I walked you outside.

“It was fun working with you, Momo. You’re a great writer. You’re gonna be big someday. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see your name on the Bestsellers list.”

You had your arm linked with mine. We had gotten quite close over the span of three weeks. Even my friend, Jungyeon, who was a careful spectator to this budding tragedy was envious of how much time I had allocated for you.

“Thanks,” I said in a grin. Proud that someone as exquisite as you would even acknowledge the scraps of paper with scribbles of my handwriting. It was more than what any professor could say to me.

But when we were finally outside of the library, I paused on the ground and you looked at me.

“What’s wrong?” You asked. “Did you forget something inside?”

This was the time I had been rehearsing in the mirror for. This was it. This was my last shot of the impossible. If I wouldn’t do it now, when could I ever do it again?

You waited for me to say something. I calmed myself, cautious not to stumble again.

“Mina…”

“Yes?” You said. Your voice was a song I could easily sway in with you.

“Mina, would you like to—”

“Hanbin!”

But you jumped at the sight of the man across in the street in a motorcycle. When he took off his helmet, you ran to him and he took you in his arms.

“I’m sorry I’m late, babe.” I heard him tell you.

“It’s okay.” You acted sweetly, like a little girl in a candy store. Then you hopped on to the back and put on a helmet.

Before he revved the engine, you turned to me and waved. “Bye, Momo! Thanks for everything!”

It was like you didn’t hear a single thing I said to you.

But I waved back, though my smile was breaking right before my eyes.

I had never felt pain like that. It was raw and real. No wonder they had written about heartbreaks in the worst words found in language.

Tears fell on the pavement as I walked back to my dorm building in defeat.

You had a boyfriend and it never actually crossed my mind.

However, there I had decided to continue with this affection. I would use it as an inspiration for things I would create in the future. You would be there in every space, in every punctuation I would write down. There would be a symbol for you in everything and that would keep you even more permanently in my heart.

I loved you in silence.

I never thought of finishing my sentence for you when I was holding my phone with your number on the screen.

Because in silence, I could love you for as long as I could and for as much as I could.

I could still admire you without the imperfections of a relationship whispering fiends to my ear. I could still think of you like the way I had thought of you long before the quiet became too loud. I could still be with you, even if it would only be at the tip of my pen. 

In silence, there would be no other pain than the pain I knowingly made for myself.

I wouldn't have loved you any other way. 

Happy new year!