I sat on my bed, looking out of the window. It was the 24th of December but instead of snow big, heavy rain drops were running down the pane of glass like tears. The gloomy atmosphere outside exactly mirroring my spirit. Which was at least better then the preceded weeks in which I continiously had to fight against a dark storm inside my head. Luckily I was able to get myself help before the worst could happen and now it was already my third week in a mental health clinic for young adults.

To stay here instead of having a long weekend with the family had actually been a conscious decission but now that almost every other occupant of the clinic had left to spent the holiday of love and peace with their beloved ones I wasn't so sure if it was a good one anymore. The last thirty minutes I had spent trying to convince myself that it was a good decission as I knew my new admission into the hospital would have only caused fights between my parent and grandparents and too many exhaustingly inquisitive questions about my wellbeing and well-intentioned homespun philosophies. But still... The thought of propably having to spend the christmas eve as well as the following day alone was everything but pleasant even for an introvert loner like me. And the melancholic music coming from my phone wasn't helping either.

Another thirty minutes later I was nearly crying, except that I hadn't shed sad tears in more than two years already and now too, the relief-promissing tears wouldn't come, causing the familiar ache in my chest to increase with every passing minute. I had to keep myself occupied to prevent drifting into the familiar dark place inside my head again so I stood up from my bed, put on shoes and a thick coat and collected my phone and headphones from the nearby windowstill.

I made my way to the nurses' office to inform the two nurses on duty of my plans and though they were worried about me getting wet, cold and maybe sick, I was able to convince them to let me go. Just as I turned around to leave, I heard a deep voice asking: "Mind me joining you?" and my nose and forehead connected to soft, dark fabric above a solid chest. Immediatly my nose was filled with a soothing, masculin smell and when I looked up, my fingers started to shake and I had to dig my nails into my wrist to keep the nervousness from overwhelming me. I was used to getting anxious in front of strangers but it was even worse in front of this specific, magnificent human being. I had managed to avoid him as often as possible, not exchanging one word except for an one-sentenced introduction I had been forced to do by another patien, but it was inevitable to notice his soothing deep voice, the open smile, sparkling eyes and uncomplaining, generous behaviour of his. Hadn't I heared him talking about the anxiety-attacks and depressions I wouldn't even be able to imagine him having any problems. But here he stood, that perfect human-being, Jepp. Why he had such a strange name I wasn't sure but on the other hand in one of the group therapy sessions he had talked about his sister 'Natasha' so maybe his parents just liked strange names...

When he raised one brow, I realised that I had been mute a moment too long and so I forced a quiet "Ask the nurses." out and took a step away from him. He respectfully asked the nurses the same question and gifted them with one of his gummy smiles when the younger one gave him a breathy 'yes'. He then turned to me and now I came into the enjoyment of his smile. I gave him a small one back and then, finally, left for the walk in the rain.
Once outside I put on the hood of my coat and looked to my left, where Jepp did the same. I took a step forward and when I sensed Jepp getting into motion next to me, just kept walking.

For a while we walked in silence. It made me uncomfortable as I didn't know if Jepp was expecting me to talk to him. A few times I opend my mouth, willing my brain to formulate a polite, friendly sentence but all my efforts failed and in the end I did the worst possible. I plugged in my headphones and started a hopefully calming music mix on my phone. I knew Jepp would now think of me as inpolite and antisocial but music always helped me to relax and alone his presence had me on edge so I really needed to calm down. A few moments later though a slender hand with a black headphone's earpiece between index and middle finger, made it's way in front of my face. Questioningly and slightly worried I turned my head to look at the man walking next to me. He was looking ahead, hood drawn deep into his face,  the other earpiece seemingly inside his ear, one hand hidden inside his coat's pocket, the other still in front of my face. Slowly, cautiously I removed my own headphones, savely stowing them away into my pocket and reached out for the offered earbud.Instantly a soft, melancholy melody filled my ear and I had to fight against the desire to just stand still, close my eyes and savor the sweet melody mixing with the sounds of rain and wind. Again we walked in silence but this time it was comfortable, the headphones creating some kind of connection between the two of us and without even realizing or consciously deciding it, we soon walked shoulder to shoulder, sometimes slightly grazing each others arm.
We walked for a long time, listening to Jepp's music and enjoying each others company, or at least I did. As it got darker we made our way back and when we arrived at the station I removed the earbud, gave him a thankful smile and left for my room.

Soon it would be time for the christmas eve dinner and as all the other patients seemed to be with their families, it would be a small round consisting only of the nurses, Jepp and me. I felt a lot more at ease then ealier this day and even took the time to look through my wardrobe for something a little more festive then leggins and a sweatshirt, setteling on a black tee and A-line skirt. I put on a little mascara and lip stick and realized that it was the first time in forever I took care of my appearance more than just brushing teeth and showering. I couldn't even remember the last time I put on make up and as I looked into the mirror a wave of embarrassment overran me. When was the last time I had visited a hair stylist? Or plugged my eyebrows? And what was I supposed to do about these super dark circles under my eyes? When had I become so indifferent to myself? I sighed and swore to myself to get a new hair cut as soon as possible! I took one last quick look at the mirror and had to admit to myself, that I was looking forward to having dinner with Jepp. Shaking my head I left my room and made my way to the dinning room.

To my surprise, it was completely empty. Neither the nurses, nor Jepp were there, the lights were of and one window was open, making the room uncomfortable chilly. I pulled out my phone to check on the time. It was definitely 6.30 p.m.. Time for dinner. As I made my way to search for a nurse, Jepp suddenly stood before me, smiling down on me. "Guess what.." his smile grew even wider. "I talked to the nurses. And now we are going to eat in the small TV room and can watch a nice christmas movie. I went out to get some snacks. What do you think? Way better then spending christmas eve alone in your room, isn't it?" I couldn't hide my smile. It might seem strange for two adults to be that happy about a christmas eve spent infront of the TV with some food, but believ me rules were quite strickt here. The meal times were strictly settled and it was a rule to have it together in the dinning room. Not once had I experienced it carried out any different. And I wasn't expecting it to be any different on christmas. But apparently on christmas eve everything is a little more relaxed. Even the nurses.

I grabbed Jepp's hand and dragged him to the stated room. As we entered, the smell of fresh pizza filled my nose. I turned to thank Jepp and with a jolt realized I was holding his hand. I opend my mouth ready to apologize and started to withdraw my hand but before a word left my mouth he had intertwined our fingers and with a slight tug led me to the more comfortable sofa. "Thank you for taking a walk with me earlier." he said and I looked at him in utter bewilderment. He was thanking me? That was so wrong and finally I found the strength and courage to answer him.
"Are you kidding me? You are thanking me? After all my rude behaviour? I am the one that has to be thankful! And believe me, I AM! I know I am a perfect failure when it comes to social interactions and you must have felt so misstreated by me and still you're here and you organized this great dinner and now YOU say thank you? What is wrong with you?" And again I had managed to make my thankfullness sound like an insult. Great. I looked down at my hand, seeing my left hand move to my right wrist and starting to pinch into the sensitive skin there. But before it could get seriously damaged by my nervouse habit, Jepp's hand stoped mine and when I looked up, a sad smile was playing around his lips.

"Well, it has to have a reason I'm here, right?"

"Sure... But seriously. I'm not worth your energy. Save it for someone more important then me. Someone worthy, okay? You are too good to spend your time with me and too nice, to get hurt again and again, just because I can't help it. If your niceness is the reason you're here, you can use me to practice being a little less nice." I smiled a bitter smile at my last words.

"I think that would be a bad decission. I really wanted to do a movie evening now. With you. How did we even get into such a depressing mood?" And again he gave me his amazing gummy smile though this time I realized something.

"Is this your 'Everything's fine though actually it's not'-smile?" His smile fell instantly. "You don't have to pretend. It being here and everybody knows that if you're here, you are not fine at all. Why do you even bother keeping up your facade? Save your strength. At least with me. I know these fake smiles. They are always the brightest."

Again both of us stayed silent for a while. The movie playing was some action-war movie and though I really liked action I wasn't able to concentrate. Had I been too harsh? Was Jepp now really mad at me? I sight and was going to leave for my room when he grabbed my hand. Confused I looked at Jepp and froze. Great! I really had made him cry. Silent tears were running down his face and still he was trying to keep a smile on his face. And then he spoke. His voice was even deeper than usual and a little scratchy.

"You're right. It's exhausting to keep on smiling. But I did it for so long. I had to smile and take care of the others for so long that I just can't... I can't show weakness. I can't let down my guard. What if something happens again? What if everything I do is wrong or not good enough? If I let down my guard, how am I supposed to be a strong leader? How can I fight for the best if I can't be my best?"

I looked at him. Of cause I didn't understand half of what he was talking about. Leader? The others? I definitely had missed something. But listening to him, giving him the support he so obviously needed was something I was definitly able and also willing to do. So impulsively I reached out and put my arms around him. Warily I patted his back and began talking again.

"It's okay. Asking for help does not make you weak. It just shows your strength. It's so much harder to ask for help then to just suffer for yourself. And don't even try convincing yourself that nobody realized how bad your condition were before coming here. You might have tried and partially did it, but those closest to you have definitely looked through your facade. Be thankful you're here! Get the help you need and try destroying your guard. Not even the people here can help you if you don't let them. And I am here too! I will help you as good as I can, too. I know exactly what it's like to put on a show every day and how much strength it costs to fake a smile. I.." Now I felt the tears on my cheek too. I was crying for the first time in so long. I was sad for Jepp. I was mourning for the happiness he and I lost and for the opportunities that were taken because of the condition both of us were in. Now it was not only me holding him, but also him holding me. Then I felt his lips wandering from my temple under my eyes and there starting to kiss away the tears.

And in that moment I made a decission. I swore to myself to give my everything to get better, to fight the darkness and find light in my life again so I could be the bonfire for Jepp and with time, maybe, get a real smile and give a warm embrace without tears

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I hope you enjoyed it!! Also I hope you had a great christmas and will have a nice new years eve!!

For the music in this oneshot I was thinking about these:

1.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgKREAB2R8M  (Amber- On my own)

2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IQkXUqc-14&t=318s (Chillstep Mix)

3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6JLShqFLq8 (Bang Yongguk - Hallucination)