If there’s something that Kyungsoo hates the most, it’s troubling people. What he’s doing right now, is directly troubling people all around him. No matter if they’re family or strangers. People around him often say stuffs like how he’s not a burden, that they didn’t mind helping him and all of that BS.

Kyungsoo knows that it’s a lie.

He knows how much his father despises him for emptying his bank account.

He knows why his own mother couldn’t even look at him in the eye and says that her love for him never changes.

He knows why his boyfriend still didn’t break up with him even if he’s been meeting with a friend he met online.

He knows and he ing hates it.

It’s better if I die than to be an unnecessary burden to the people who can’t even look at me in the eye and says that they love me.

It feels almost surreal when he’s happily running around, playing catch even if it’s something that’s a little too old for seventeen years old teenager to do. He could still remember that day vividly, like all of it happens yesterday.

He was running energetically, contented with the breeze of wind softly caressing his face. He closed his eyes, enjoying the moment. He opened his eyes, seeing all of his family’s smiling face.

Everyone seemed so happy.

That is, until he slipped on a crack, resulting to his head colliding with the hard cement harshly. He can’t remember anything besides his family rushing towards him when he didn’t get up.

He remembered entering inside a huge machine at the hospital to check his brain.

He remembered the doctor told him something, he remembered his mother crying and his father comforting her. At that time, they still managed to tell him everything’s going to be fine.

“For now, the only drug available is the one that slows down the disease progression, giving most patients few more months of life. Soon, you’ll be facing difficulty in moving, there’ll be a slur when you’re talking and you will have a hard time swallowing when you eat.”

Kyungsoo stared at the doctor. “You’re so honest, it scares me.”

The doctor nodded, “I have to be. I think it’s better if what I said is the fact than sugar coating the horrifying truth.”

People often asked him,

What does it feels like to have ALS?
 

He always finds himself answering with the same answer every time.

“It’s absolutely terrifying to say the least. You’re trapped in a body that doesn’t work. In my case, maybe in a few months. I will feel isolated because I will have no way to communicate with others without the help of a computer or other devices. I can’t move and no one survives. ALS makes it impossible to control when I laugh or cry. Even if I’m thrilled over the fact that I can sound like a robot one day, I don’t think my family is willing to invest in something that’ll be gone in a short amount of time.”

Yes, he’s talking about his death.

When people asked him if whether he believe that he could survive and pointed out a few examples, he laughed merrily.

“I’m not ing Stephen Hawking, that’s for sure. The chances to survive are one in a billion and even if I did, what do I have to offer to this world? I’m not incredibly smart, so I’m not that eager on continuing my life with a condition like this.”

Kyungsoo first met Jongin was when he’s at the hospital, he was an intern at the time. A doctor to be.

He stared at him every day, admiring his spirits to help other people.

How ambitious.

They first talked when Jongin was assigned to take care of him.

Over the course of few months, their relationship blossomed and Kyungsoo’s condition worsened.

“Why aren’t you taking your medication Kyungsoo?”

“What’s even the point?”

This was their usual banter, and Kyungsoo will give up every single time. Just putting a fight to see Jongin get agitated was a great amusement to him.

He ended up swallowing the usual amount of bitter pills with a smile on his face.

It’s been four months, and he’s in the middle stage of ALS. He can’t move his leg, he’s bedridden and he feels pathetic.

His mood drastically changes and he refuses to talk to anyone, even his parents.

“Kyungsoo why are you acting like a girl on her period?”

Except for one person,

When one of his episodes happen, in which his muscles cause a contractures causing him to shout a string of profanities and trembling so hard until the nurse have to give him a tranquilizer, he refuses to look at anyone.

He doesn’t want their look of pity.

Has my life really been this sad?

Now, he can’t even eat in peace. He keeps on choking at small pieces of meat until he gives up on eating. He mostly laughs and sometimes cries uncontrollably when he doesn’t even know why.

It’s been nine months, and he’s barely hanging there.

His mobility is extremely limited, he can only afford moving his finger. He can’t even feel any shame left in him when the nurse come and clean his treasures.

He can’t walks to the toilet so you take a guess what treasures has to be clean.

He always felt so tired, fatigue often consumes him making the smaller male fall asleep most of the time. He can’t talk anymore and the visits got less and soon, there’s no one.

“How are you feeling?”

He types on Jongin's phone, he takes a long time seeing that he can only use one of his finger but he’s grateful that Jongin didn’t say anything.

You’re beautiful tonight.

“I’m only beautiful tonight? How mean of you.”

He chuckles, but of course nothing was heard.

“I miss hearing your voice.”

I miss talking to you.

“I miss you.”

You’re seeing me right now.

Jongin seems to contemplate whether or not to say it, but in the end he lets it out anyway.

“I will miss you.”

They stare into each other’s eyes, and he realizes one thing. Jongin has always been there for him. The one who never fails to support him even if he knew that Kyungsoo's time was coming short. The warmness of Jongin's hands, holding him down when he was having one of his episodes.

His corny jokes, the sparkle on his eyes when something grabs his interest, the way he laughs, his eyes crinkling into small crescents, the way his mouth curving into a beautiful smile.

I’ll miss you too.

Not that he didn’t notice Jongin's eyes get teary, but he rather pretend not to.

“You’ll never leave me right?”

He keeps silent for a while, studying the tan male face to think of an answer that would please him. Kyungsoo's large, innocent doe eyed eyes staring at him, unblinking.

“Answer me honestly,”

It’s like Jongin could read his mind.

I’m sorry.

Upon seeing his reply, Jongin smiles and laughs but it sounds empty. Kyungsoo almost cringe from how hollow it sounded.

“Why are apologizing, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

I will be happy for you if you start accepting Chanyeol's invitation for coffee every Friday morning.

Jongin frowns, his smile immediately gone in a flash. “What’re you talking about?”

Kyungsoo smiles, his trembling finger trying to type a reply.

My finger is trembling very hard tonight, he thought.

I can’t promise you a happy life.

“I don’t need a happy life.”

That’s BS.

Jongin laughs, and Kyungsoo's eyes suddenly got glassy.

I will miss your laugh,

He quiets down, tears already slipping from his eyes.

“Why does it seem like you’re saying goodbye to me?”

I’m not

“Then why are you crying?”

It dawns to him, that he will never see Jongin again. The pillar of his strength, his first love, the very first person he started to trust when this curse descended upon him. He will be leaving Jongin behind. Soon he’ll only be a small fragment of Jongin's memory, forgotten when new memories are created.

For the first time that night, he cries.

I don’t want to die.

Jongin looks away, unable to say anything. Unable to comfort him, assures him that he’s going to be fine because the fact simply doesn’t let him.

Tell me I’m not going to die. Tell me I’m going to live forever with you, with our kids and grandkids. Tell me we’re going to grow old together and adopt a puppy. Tell me you’re not leaving me.

Jongin gazes at him lovingly, “I’m not going to leave you. In another life, we’re going to be together forever. We’ll grow old together.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head slowly, he knows he’s being childish but he can’t seem to accept the fact that he’s going to die.

Just let me be selfish this once.

Jongin his head full of love, and he’s making it harder for Kyungsoo to accept the harsh reality.

He takes a deep breath, and stares at the person who occupies the most space in his empty heart.

Do you sincerely loves me?
 

Jongin chuckles , flicking his forehead lightly.

“You idiot, what question is that?”

Answer me.

He stares at Kyungsoo softly, “Of course I do.”

Then will you grant me my wishes?

Jongin smiles painfully, “Anything for you Soo.”

He decided, that if the grim reaper pays him a visit tonight, he'll at least told Jongin what he had kept locked deep inside his heart.

If you sincerely love me, please let me go. Don’t cry when I’m not breathing anymore. I’ll be happy when you finally accept that Chanyeol kid’s feelings. I know he’s a good man. He talked to me before, and I sincerely wish you receive the happiness you deserve. It pains me to say this, but I can’t give you that life. I can’t make you happy. I will only bring you down with me. Here are my wishes. Marry him, have kids and grandkids, grow old with him and adopt a puppy. Live the life you wish to be in, the one you once told me and the one I once promised you that I’ll grant it. I’m sorry to break our promise, but I hope you will live your life to the fullest with the man you love.

Jongin shakes his head softly, sobbing so miserably that it breaks Kyungsoo's heart.

“Up until now and forever to come, you will always be the man I love.”

I’m thankful for that, but perhaps I can’t have that title. I’m not qualified for it.

“Why are you saying this things Kyungsoo? Are you leaving me?”

He stares at the space, feeling quite hard to breathe but he doesn’t voice it. He’s tired, and he wants this to be over.

It’s never in my plan to leave you Jongin, but I’m not the one planning it in the first place.

Jongin keeps on sobbing, and Kyungsoo keeps on staring.

Can you please fetch me a glass of juice? I’m suddenly craving for oranges.

He stares at Kyungsoo, and he understands the underlying meaning of his request. They share a last, painful and heartbroken kiss before he pulls away.

Another one last kiss to his forehead, before he’s walking out the door leaving his phone inside.

His hands tremble to hold the glass of orange juice, and he looks at the man sleeping in front of him.

Kyungsoo looks so peaceful like this.

He sets down the glass on the table, and shook the male softly.

“Kyungsoo, wake up. Drink your juice.”

But he gets no response.

Jongin shook him a bit harder.

“Soo, wake up.”

Still no response.

His tears stain his face, and it’s under a minute before doctors and nurses come rushing into the rooms. A hand rubs his back comfortingly, as he stares at his phone blankly.

There’s only one sentence, but it’s enough to make him breathless, giving up on believing the idea that Kyungsoo is only having one of his normal episodes, that he would wake up the next day and greets him with his beautiful heart shaped smile and twinkling doe eyes.

Happy last anniversary to us.

Jongin realizes, that Kyungsoo had known that today may be his last day breathing on this world and it saddens him that he never get the chance to say his last goodbye.

It’s been six months since Kyungsoo left and people kept on asking Jongin how was Kyungsoo's last moments. He would find himself answering with the same answer, with a forlorn smile on his face.

“He went to sleep, and just slipped away.”