The sky fades into soft pinks, bleeding into blues, blinding whites.  Yongsun watches the scenery rush past her, fields of nothingness blur together, lulling her into a passive state.

The rattling car lurches forward, the driver unapologetic as he goes over the unpaved roads.

yongsun-unnie,

today night came early, i could see every star.  i wish you could see them too.

Yongsun holds on tighter to her suitcase, taking a deep breath as the driver makes a turn.

There’s a lot to think about, a lot of things that have happened that Yongsun has to figure out.  An accidental whim that has gotten her here.

The letter had been sent to Moon Seulgi , Yongsun had still opened it.

Mom says she’s missing you, send her some pictures.

Yongsun still remembers every word she had received, even the ones not meant for her.

This is Yongsun, sorry.

The driver grunts in the front, headlights flickering on, “Need to make a stop,” he says, Yongsun’s hands clenching into fists, “there’s a family here that sells gas.”

The car makes a sharp turn, kicking up dust as it skids into a shaky stop.  

“Wait here,” the driver says, unbuckling his seatbelt, opening and shutting the door heavily.  

Yongsun doesn’t respond, watches as the driver waddles up to the small house.  The winter sky is still bright, wispy clouds rolling in, over the moon, spotting over the stars.

Winter air seeps into the car, sending shivers down Yongsun’s skin.  The dead silence unnerves her, feet starting to tap nervously.

it gets really quiet here, you can hear everything.  would you sing here too?

Her eyes start to fall as seconds turn to minutes, catching her off guard, the silent winter air stilling her into slumber.  She’s not sure if time passes at all, before there’s footsteps, metal on metal, muffled conversation.  It all feels fuzzy, so unreal, Yongsun’s eyes can’t bother to open.

Until there’s a rush of cold air, the smell of dirt crashing in, her breath breaking into puffs of white smoke.  She startles awake, dropping her suitcase, adding more noise into the night.

“We’re good now,” he says, sitting, closing the door, hand hovering over the keys, “are you sure you want to go?’

Yongsun nods, not really sure of the question, of her answer.

But there’s something waiting for her, someone.

-

i’m sorry but why did you open my letter?

No one ever talks to me…

-

Yongsun remembers, when the second letter had come in.  

From Moon Byulyi

To: KYS

The name had been familiar, the scent of the paper urging to bring back a faded thought.

i’m sorry but why did you open my letter?  don’t they teach manners in the city?  i can see i’m not missing out much.

Yongsun had smiled, amused at the way the fine pen elicited such annoyed feelings.  It was the first time she had ever used her stationery, unearthed from piles of bills, take out flyers, un-read books.

From Kim Yongsun

I’m sorry but why did you write back?

-

The clouds roll in thick, covering the sky in high diluted colors, pinks, blues, purples.  Yongsun watches with yearning eyes, for a spot where she can see the stars, for the clouds to break and the snow to promise clear skies.

The ride has gotten less rough, almost predictable in its bumps and turns.

you get used to life like this, you end up loving it.

Yongsun looks away when her breath fogs up the glass window, pulling back, pressing a finger print into the opaqueness, watching the way the grooves break up the view of the sky, the way it breaks into water drops, sliding down the glass lethargically, leaving clear streaks behind.

Life here is too loud, nothing to get used, only things to wish were different.

-

The digital clock of the old van changes to 3:47 am .  Yongsun hasn’t been able to close her eyes since their stop, watching the way the clock keeps changing, looking at the sky to pass time.

Her stomach knots in ways that only allow for discomfort, making her swallow nervously.  

Yongsun’s throat catches on its dryness, blinking quickly to refocus.

-

for the holidays, what are you doing?

I’m going to look at the stars with you.

-

Yongsun smiles to herself, a soft nervous gesture, heart beating fast, anticipating the moment she can look at the entire sky, the moment she can finally see the stars.

“We’re almost there,” the driver says, “an hour or so.”

Yongsun nods, teeth biting on her bottom lip, “thank you,” she says quietly, “for doing this with me.”

-

if you look outside what do you see?  are there really no stars?  do you miss them?

Why would I miss them if I’ve never seen them?

-

Yongsun is getting restless, knees jittering, hands clenching and unclenching, fingernails digging into her palm.  

4:12 am .

She bites her tongue, breath a little harsh.  There’s so many things that can go wrong, so many things she hasn’t thought about, hasn’t wanted to think about.

They all come to her like flashes of unwanted clarity, settling deep in the pit of her stomach, making her head hurt with the possibilities of brokenness.  

She knows her life hasn’t been the most reckless, knows what she is doing now is not the most thought out.  She’s  sick of not doing anything, of being buried under the sounds, the people, the fogginess of the city.

She wants to be bright, she wants to see things she hasn’t been able to see.  

She wants to see Byulyi.

-

come see the stars with me, yongsun, they’re beautiful.

Will they wait for me?

i’ll wait for you.

-

Her hands have gotten red with cold, fingers stiff, hard to unravel.  Her legs barely warm with her knitted tights, long coat covering her small body.

you know when you’re alone and it feels like there should be somebody there with you?

Like when you want to be alone but there’s too many people?

Yongsun pushes her suitcase away from her, hitting the opposite car door, curling her legs onto the middle seat, trying to make herself warm.

“Sorry the heater is broken,” he had said earlier.

Her breath collects around her, fading away as they drive, now miles and miles away from the city.  The wire fences edging the road glint as the car light hits them, breaking up the darkness as the morning sky begins to fade in.

The car begins to slow down, less and less in a hurry, Yongsun sits up again, feet touching the floor of the car, arms going for her suitcase.

“We’re here,” the driver says, “is she your friend?”

He sounds a bit apprehensive, worried.

Yongsun looks at the dark curtain of hair, the small frame under a thick jacket, hat making her ears stick out.

“Yeah,” she breathes out, one hand reaching for the handle as the car rolls to a slow stop.  

The girl outside stiffens for a second, head raising up, eyes covered by the cap.

“Good luck,” the driver says, Yongsun opens the door.

The sky breaks into fluttering snow, flurrying down, casting shadows as they pass by the lights of the car.  They stick to the girl’s black hair, on her coat.  

When their gazes meet Yongsun sees stars in Byulyi’s eyes.