OH LOOK, ANOTHER 3 AM POST

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I stare into a clear lake, the water’s surface reflecting the bright stars in the sky. The night was serene; beautiful. I felt a cold wind wash past me, letting myself bask in the cool breeze of the night as I turn my head up to gaze at the skies. For once, I felt calm. Like the crashing waves in my head settles into soft ripples of water. Its been a while since I felt like I could breathe; since I felt like I didn’t have chains wrapped around my chest and boulders weighing me down as if I was a prisoner.

My mind was at ease, empty and quiet. Though I felt lost. I felt empty and cold. I feel like I’m stuck in a maze with no out; left to cluelessly wander around until I give up. These feelings welling up in my chest are unfamiliar. They make me feel like I could take on the world but also perish with a single flick of the finger. I feel trapped; as if I was pushed into a hole I was too small to climb out of. It’s torturous. It’s painful. But it’s also magical and majestic. Because a single smile would make me feel like I’ve just touched the source of all happiness. One touch could make me feel like I held love itself in my hands.

I suffer yet I enjoy. Truly masochistic.

There are words I want to say; words that could end my suffering and let it be replaced with nothing but a pure happiness. Yet, I can’t bring myself to do it. The meaning they held, how much weight they carried; it was too much. I was scared, still am, so terrified that the walls I’ve built would come crashing down, that I would come undone and destroy something already so beautiful. I’m selfish.

I know I can’t deny this feeling, it