Let's move on. I wish you always happy. - Kim Taeyeon

If time machine is ever a thing, I wish for a time to go back to when I said that to you. The timing of everything that happen all at the same time broke me and I said the thing that I never meant to you. People said, "Once you tell the word, you will never taken it back". It all just a moment when the dark come and visit me but I never know the devil is playing around during that time. It messed with my mind and those words left my mouth.

It still vivid in my mind. How your lips twitch like you trying hard not tell the word that will going to hurt me. The frown on your brows and tears that wetting your face when I push you out from my life. You on your knees trying to talk to me whose sitting on couch while hugging my knees, crying. When I throws all your clothes outside while yelling at your face when you still want stay even when I said those words. You whose during that time still saying you love me no matter what but I am the foolish telling you that I now feeling nothing. I hate how I wish desperately that I never said those words but hug you back not pushing you when you backhug me telling me to calm down.

I really wish I did that. My ego, my pride, I hate it. Because now you already gone.

****

March 9, 2020

"Taeyeon-shi, may I talk with you for awhile?" , I frown because rarely my manager call me with that serious face an hour before we go live.

"Yeah, of course" I said while follow him outside the studio. He bring me all the way to hallway far from other people and it make me curious about what he need to tell me so privately.

"You must promise me, you need to be calm when I tell you this Taeyeon."

I feel weird with his attitude but still I promise him.

"Your family call me just now..." he stay silent for awhile before continue and said "Your..."

After those words left his mouth, I can feel Ieg wobbling and my soul trying to left my body. Why this happen to me? Why god do this to me?

He trying to catch me but I only pushed him and said that I need to postpone releasing the singles and we need to go to hospital as soon as possible.

All the way to the hospital, I feel numb and wish I will wake up from this nonsense dream. But when the car stop and my manager guiding me to the hospital entrance, I know its real.

Why must god always take the people that I appreciate and precious for me when happiness just come walk through my door. Why must he take it back from me? Why its so hard for me to be happy? Am I not kind enough to be happy? 

I only could crying when I see the face of my family in hospital ward that confirm how I this is real and not a dream.

If this is the price for every time I'm being happy, then I will let them all go before they being curse with my happiness.

I will let them all go.

****

And god really want to test me and also you.

Why you must be there when my mind being twisted?

How I wish I could go back and tell you I just had a hard time and I never meant everything that I told you.

But I guess now its too late.

You now happy without me. You look happy in the picture and now I really need to move on like I said to you.

Let's move on. I wish for your happiness no matter where you go. 

I love you, Soojung-ah.