written in lapslock, because i enjoy it from time to time.

this isn’t m-rated (imo) but maybe parts of it a mature pg13 or soft r, idk i fail at ratings.

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it’s nearing one a.m. when he wakes up, or more accurately, gets woke up by junhong.

it’s not the fact junhong pulls him out of his sleep-state that is anything startling or unusual, it’s the how junhong chooses to wake him.  by sprawling out atop him and whispering, “hyung, yongukkie hyung.”  he pokes his cheek once, then twice for good measure to get his attention.  “wake up.  wake up!”

the room is no longer plunged in pitch-black darkness, the bedside lamp shines bright and yongguk winces, shutting and opening his eyes a few times until they adjust to the harsh light. 

“what’s wrong?”  he listens for the telltale sound of thunder, the usual reason for junhong to visit him in the middle of the night but there’s nothing but the low whirring of the ceiling fan that punctuates the otherwise silent room.

“nuh-uh, just want you,” junhong says matter-of-factly, leaning (falling) forward slightly and yongguk can smell the unmistakable scent of alcohol on his breath.

since it seems like a dangerous trap he ignores junhong’s words about wants and desires, choosing the safer route to ask, “why were you drinking?”

he had only meant to drink one beer, for a little liquid courage but one became two and after that, he lost count.

“shh,” junhong says, trying for y but in his inebriated state failing since he ends up silencing yongguk’s chin with his finger.  he frowns, lifting up his finger like he wants to scold it before trying again.  this time, he succeeds but gets distracted by the softness of lips and traces the lines and curves of yongguk’s mouth, as he wonders what it would feel like to have those lips on his.

yongguk lies perfectly still underneath him, saying nothing.  he tells himself it’s because he’s not fully awake yet, that his brain is having trouble processing junhong touching him like that, and that’s the reason (the only reason) why he’s not putting a stop to things. 

“your lips are really pretty and red, and really really soft.  did you know that, hyung?”  his voice whisper soft like he’s sharing a secret.  “i bet your kisses are sweeter than honey.”  junhong pouts, sticking his bottom lip out and looking very much like his fan-given nickname.  “you should share your kisses with me.  i like honey.”

“junhong.”  yongguk finds his voice, barely.  

“your lips are perfect.  just like you are perfect.”  he leans down once more, this time his intent to kiss yongguk, to test his theory about sweet honey bees… lips, lips he means.  his thoughts unfocused and fuzzy around the edges thanks  to kissing (and alcohol) filling his mind.

but yongguk puts a glaring red stop sign up in the form of his hand between them.  “no junhong, you’re drunk.  this isn’t a good idea.”

“you’re right, hyung.”  he sits upright again, straddling yongguk’s waist while his hands take the opportunity presented.  his fingers run up and down and up again, leaving indiscernible patterns in his haste and desire to explore yongguk’s body.  he really likes the feel of yongguk underneath him, the hard muscles and heat and warmth that feels nothing short of amazing.  (he thinks other things could feel amazing too, things that involve yongguk’s mouth and his fingers and his .)  “it’s not a good idea,” he agrees and the elder rapper breathes out a sigh of relief that’s short lived when junhong adds with a satisfied smirk, “because it’s a great idea.”

just because yongguk seems to be against kissing (he doesn’t understand why — kissing is fun, not that he really has much experience but he would like to have experience and that’s the point or he’s pretty sure that’s the point he’s trying to make in his well-past-tipsy state), it doesn’t mean he can’t kiss other parts.  right?  starting from the base of his ear, he trails kisses down yongguk’s jawline, then back up to the side of yongguk’s mouth as he hovers close, so close, to the lips that haunt his dreams and leave him with a problem in the morning that can only be solved by an icy cold shower.  “hyung, don’t you want me?” he whispers and “i can be good, i promise.”

“junhongie, please,” yongguk half says, half groans in prayer, and he’s not even sure what he’s asking for as he fights to hang onto the fraying threads of his control as he feels junhong’s mouth drop down to place wet openmouthed kisses against his throat and collarbone.  

(he’s going to stop junhong any. second. now.  he is, he will; he has to.)

junhong’s hands sneak underneath his shirt, pushing it up to expose the fine lines and muscles of his abdomen, the ghost of a six pack forming.  he spends time admiring the view, then further and further down his mouth goes until he stops right above the elastic waistband of the red boxers yongguk’s wearing and looks up at him.  

“hyung.”

his cheeks are flushed pink, a combination of the effects of alcohol and desire.  he smiles showing off his dimple and it really should be a sin to have a face of an angel and have that look in his eyes, the one that promises nothing but sweet, dirty things.  (things yongguk would like to give into and say yes to — please god, yes — and appreciate, except he knows he shouldn’t.  he can’t.  it’s wrong.  but if it would feel so right.)

while his mind says no, his body screams yes and he struggles to keep from responding to junhong and his mouth that’s right there, so close, so damn close to where fantasy could turn into reality.  he has to stop this though, he must.  junhong is drunk and he is the leader.  he is the hyung, the one that has to think about consequences and mornings after and the future even if he really wants to say it and enjoy this one night.  he wishes he could put his hands on junhong, his mouth on him, and let everything else fall away and not think about anything except skin and heat and pleasure.  

“your body is delicious… you’re bangalicious…”  the made-up word makes junhong giggle and he looks up and catches yongguk staring at him and it’s intense (his stare always is).  seeing yongguk look at him like that always makes him feel too much.  he wants more, he always always wants more.  “let me you,” he crawls up his body to whisper in his ear.  the alcohol gives him a boost of confidence and lack of inhibition that normally he wouldn’t have.  he gets the satisfaction (and he can’t help but smile at the sound) of hearing yongguk’s quick indrawn breath and feel the shudder that runs through his body.  “i promise to make you feel good.”  he bites then the spots of skin his mouth comes into contact with and reaches down to slip his hand underneath yongguk’s boxers and just when he thinks this is finally it, his world goes black as he hits the floor.  

—

junhong wakes with a whimper and a groan.  he cautiously and slowly opens his eyes.  the room isn’t spinning, which is always a plus.  he sits up and immediately realizes he’s not in his room.  it’s yongguk’s room.  

he doesn’t remember the details of how that happened and his head hurts too much for him to try and think, so he opts to shelve it until later.  knowing he can’t stay in bed forever (his head demands pain medicine asap), he’s about to get out of bed when he glances over at the nightstand.

on top sits a glass of water and two pills.  a blue sticky note is attached to the glass.

take these, drink all the water.  your body needs it.  

if he didn’t feel like complete crap, he would smile.  he follows the instructions gladly, willing the pills to work their magic quickly.  feet flat on the floor, he looks down and sees that he has a sticky note attached to his shirt as well.

junhong, you shouldn’t drink so much.

maybe yongguk hyung has a valid point he thinks with a sigh, standing up to head to the restroom to brush the morning breath away and other pressing concerns like relieving his bladder.  he walks slow, because sloth-like movements seems to be the most appropriate choice until he feels a bit better.

it’s when he opens the bathroom door to exit that he notices one more post-it note.

you really should be careful about who you’re trying to kiss when drunk.  

oh, please god, no.  despite his mind’s cry, he begins to recall the events of last night, like a horror movie complete with fast-tempo, anxiety-inducing background music and he really really wants to look away but he can’t.  him throwing himself at yongguk (literally) and yongguk… he just wants to die right now.  (can he?  please?  universe, hello out there?  is there anyone listening?)  he groans and it has nothing to do with the hangover from hades and everything to do with the overwhelming, suffocating sense of embarrassment he feels.

he grabs the comforter from yongguk’s bed and wraps it around his body, only his head and the slippers he wears on his feet visible.  he heads to the living room next, hoping youngjae or himchan will be up and he can bribe one of them into making him something to soothe his stomach or better yet distract him from wanting to die of humiliation.  

no luck.

yongguk is there, dressed in a pair of ripped at the knees jeans and a simple white t-shirt.  he looks good, bordering on indecently y, and junhong thinks it’s not fair nor is it anything new.  the sky is blue, the grass is green, water is wet, and yongguk looks ing hot.  (which, he thinks, is the entire reason he got himself into last night’s mess.  it’s all yongguk’s fault.  him and his iness that knows no boundaries.)

as soon as he sees the man he’s not quite ready to face, all junhong wants to do is slink back to his room like a jewel thief trying to escape detection, but yongguk’s voice stops him mid-turn, calling his name.

“yeah?”  he turns around again, pretending yongguk hadn’t just caught him trying to flee.  he doesn’t have the courage to keep looking yongguk in the eyes, his head ducking low as he makes a big show of rearranging the comforter around him.

“come here.”

he stands rooted in the same spot, asking instead, “where’s everyone else?”

“i sent them out earlier.  they were making too much noise and i didn’t want them to wake you.”

“oh.”

yongguk is always thoughtful, yongguk is always looking out for him.  and he loves it, relishes in the attention of being the maknae and the fact that he can use being the youngest to his advantage if he wants to (and sometimes he totally wants to).  but there are times, more and more often lately, that he wishes he wasn’t the maknae, that yongguk wouldn’t think of him as the baby of the group, the one that needed to be looked out for and protected. 

he tried to make yongguk see him in a different, more mature light, but obviously that failed big time and instead he made a fool of himself in the process.  and with that reminder, his cheeks heat in embarrassment and he really wishes he could escape to the safety and sanctuary of his bedroom to bury his face in his pillow, staying there for the remainder of the day and possibly the rest of the week too. 

“junhong, come here.”  this time yongguk’s voice is authoritative (well more than usual, since the leader’s voice always commands attention) and leaves no room for argument.

slippers shuffle across the hardwood floor as he drags his feet to take the longest length of time to cross the shortest distance.  he stops when he reaches the couch.  

yongguk sighs and pulls him down to sit.

“did you take the medicine i left out for you?”

he nods his head rapidly and learns just as quickly that it’s a big mistake.  a moan and a grimace of pain.  

yongguk stares at him for a while, saying nothing.  then, “i expected you to look a lot worse, seeing as how you decided to drink enough for the six of us last night.”  he had found the bottles in the trash bin this morning and he very nearly exploded right then and there but himchan stepped in and calmed him down.  “you probably feel like though.”

junhong sticks his tongue out and yongguk answers with a grin.  

“you do the crime, you pay the time.”  he sends him a disapproving look to reinforce the point of his teaching lesson.

“yes, hyung.  but can you please lecture me later when i feel more human-like?” junhong whines.

taking pity on his beloved maknae, yongguk stands.  “here, lie down while i make you something to eat.   you need food in your stomach so you can start to feel better.  what do you want?  my specialities are rice, and rice.”  his  expertise is limited in the kitchen and he wishes he had thought to get himchan to make hangover soup before he kicked him and everyone else out.  

“rice is fine, i don’t think i could handle anything else.”  he stretches out on the sofa, and yongguk hands him a pillow.  “thanks.”

yongguk brings him a fresh glass of water then returns to the kitchen again.  junhong notices that he’s careful not to let the pantry doors close loudly, and he’s grateful for the small acts of thoughtfulness.

while he waits he thinks about how he got to this point.  falling for yongguk.  it hadn’t started out as love, or like; it had started with him looking up to yongguk and admiring him for his skill, his talent, his kind heart.  somewhere between admiration and gratitude, without fireworks or much fanfare, his heart began to beat a little too fast any time yongguk was near and anytime yongguk was gone, it wasn’t until he returned that his heart felt at ease again.

it’s twenty minutes later and he’s sitting upright on the couch with a bowl of rice in hand and comforter wrapped around his waist, elbows and arms sticking out so he can eat properly.  yongguk sits quietly next to him.  he takes his time eating, not wanting to upset his stomach further, and feels slightly better by the time his chopsticks come up empty.

“thank you,” he murmurs, setting the bowl on the coffee table to take into the kitchen later. 

“now that i’ve given you medicine and fed you… you want to tell me about last night?”  he’d been up most of the night.  after picking junhong up from the floor (he still felt bad that he pushed junhong a little too hard) and putting him in his bed, he needed distance in order to think.  he escaped to the living room and remained on the couch until himchan woke him up this morning, chastising him for the way he’d been sleeping and worrying that his neck was going to bother him for the rest of the day.  

“nothing to tell.  really hyung, you should forget about it.  i was drinking and yeah.  i don’t remember much of it.”  maybe if he’s lucky, yongguk will buy the cheap lie he’s selling.

“we probably have a couple hours until the others get back, so if you rather wait and talk when they’re all here then…”  he lets his voice taper off, putting on his best poker face as he folds his arms across his chest like he’s saying ball’s in your court, buddy; you choose.  

“no, no let’s talk now,” junhong immediately responds.  “now would be good.”  

yongguk nods and waits silently for him to say something.

“last night was the result of drinking one too many beers,” he begins.

“so you could have ended up in jongup’s bed then?  what about himchan, would you have gone there?”

“hyung, no.  what do you take me for?”

“before last night, i would have liked to believe you were my innocent-minded maknae but after you whispered in my ear to please let you me like some —”

“you watch gay too?” junhong asks startled.

“junhong, stay focused.”

“fine.”  he shrugs his shoulders.  “i was just thinking we could watch it together some time.”  since yongguk is clearly not letting this go, he might as well not deny it any more.  he has to lay his cards out on the table; he just hopes like hell he won’t regret it.  

“and that is something lovers would do.”

“hyung, do you like me?”  it’s a simple question really, and perhaps it’s one he should have had the courage to ask before last night happened.  

“what brought this on?  was it just because you drank too much?”  yongguk feels like they’re talking in circles.  it would be better if he just answered junhong outright, but…

“no, it’s been there for a while.”  he figures after his drunken debacle last night, he can’t embarrass himself further.  the truth it is.  it’s the only way for him to know how yongguk feels.  “maybe it’s always been there and i just noticed.  i don’t know.  i’ve been thinking about what it means to be happy and it’s you hyung, it’s you at the center of it all.  i like you, not in the same way i like jongup or youngjae hyung.  i thought of carpe—” his mind blanks, trying to remember the latin phrase.

“diem,” yongguk supplies helpfully.  

junhong flashes a smile of thanks.  “carpe diem.  seize the day and all that, and i decided to go for it… instead of seizing the day, all i really wanted to capture was you.  i realize i kind of went about it the wrong way and everything, but i like you and i just want…” he wants too much, but he’ll settle for, “i want to know if you feel anything for me?”

he’s nervous, really ing nervous, because yongguk has been nothing but nice to him since he woke up this morning.  and it’s not that he would expect yongguk to treat him badly or judge him harshly because of what happened last night, that’s not it; it’s just that so far yongguk has given him absolutely no indication about his feelings.   

“hyung?”  yongguk looks at him.  “could you please say something, anything?”  

last night, he had to be the sober one, the smart one, even if he hadn’t wanted to be.  but now, in the light of day and with a sober junhong confessing to him, it’s different.  and kind of terrifying.  

“the truth?” he lets out slowly.  all the thinking he had done last night does little to prepare him for this moment. 

“yes.  that would be nice.”  he mentally braces himself for rejection, telling himself it’s better to know now than to hold out hope for a future chance that would never happen.

“i care about you.”

he’s pretty sure his heart skips several beats at yongguk’s softly spoken words.  but he needs to ask one more question.  “you care about me like you care about himchan hyung or dae—”

“not the same at all, not anywhere close to being the same,” yongguk admits.  “you know, you could have given me some hints or something before you ended up surprising me in bed.”

“it’s not like i have much experience or anything.”

the words bring reality back to yongguk’s mind, and that’s the problem he thinks.  it’s the reason why he kept his feelings to himself all this time, not even allowing himself to entertain the idea of a relationship.  junhong is still so inexperienced in so many things, and it’s not fair for him to take advantage. 

“oh, no; no you don’t hyung,” he demands.  “don’t start thinking things like that.”  junhong can see where yongguk’s mind went just by the expression on his face.  “i’m not a little kid anymore.”

“you’re not, but it’s true in some ways.  junhong, you grew up in this life with all of us, you haven’t had the chance to experience much outside of training, idol life, touring. there’s a lot more out there, we live in a tiny sort of bubble and—”

“and what, you’re so worldly and experienced?  bull.”  he tosses the comforter off of him in annoyance, ready to defend how he feels.  “we both started young, i may have been younger but i wouldn’t trade anything in the world for being right here, right now with you.  with all the hyungs.  i’m happy.  doesn’t that count for something?  what’s so bad about me wanting you to be my first?”  at yongguk’s shocked look, he adds, “i didn’t mean it like that, or well not anytime soon if you’re going to be that sensitive about things.  i just mean, why is it such a bad thing that i want you to be the first person i call my boyfriend and to experience other relationship firsts with?  i like you, you like me so why do things have to be so complicated?”

“life’s complicated.”

“exactly, it is.  we know that well.  so why can’t love be simple?”

“i don’t want to take advantage of you.”  the more junhong talks, the more he sees the genuine sincerity in the younger man’s feelings, and the harder it is to keep a strong hold on the conviction that he held for so long.  the conviction that a relationship with junhong was not, and could not be, in the cards.  

“hyung, you’re not.  should i remind you about last night?”

“i thought you didn’t want to talk about last night, and now all you want to talk about is last night.”

“stop being difficult.”

“well someone has to, you’re being too easy.”  he winces at his poor word choice, running a hand through his hair in agitation.  “, sorry.  i didn’t mean it that way.  i mean—”

“yongguk hyung,” he interrupts, “you think too much and analyze things to death.  it’s great and wonderful when it comes to songwriting and i know we’re where we are today, because you’ve worked hard for us, for the group.  but sometimes, don’t you want to… not worry so much, just let go?  it’s okay to tell your mind to shut up and listen to what your heart says instead.”

“i’m not sure i know how to do that anymore.”  he’s been too busy trying to keep everyone together and strong, the weight and responsibility heavy and suffocating at times, that he’s pushed his wants to the side for so long that to do the opposite now seems like a foreign concept.

“then let me help you.”  junhong reaches over with a smile and takes yongguk’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together.  “i want this.  i want to share big and small moments with you.  the good, the bad.  i want to be the one that makes you smile.  i want you to lean on me when you get stressed or you start doubting yourself and your talent because i promise you that i will be here.  i like you, i want you.  but it’s up to you hyung.  are you willing to take a chance with me?  don’t think about all the ways this could go wrong, think about all the ways this could end up being something special.”

“i think sometimes you’re too smart for your own good.”  

“i’ve had some great teachers.  does this mean…?”

“yes.”  he looks at junhong, the boy he’s watched grow up and mature in front of his eyes.  he doesn’t know how it happened but somewhere along the way his need to watch over and to protect junhong because he was the leader and junhong was the maknae shifted and changed.  and it wasn’t out of a korean sense of duty that was instilled in him at a young age to always take care of those younger than him, it was out of something more like love.  “you make me happy.”

“you make me happier,” junhong grins as he says it.  “so… are we officially together now?”

“if that’s what you want.”  he wants it too, more than he thought was possible. 

junhong leans forward and before yongguk can register his intent, he’s kissing him.  his arms wrap around yongguk’s neck and yongguk’s hands settle on his hips.  he pulls back and smiles wider.  “see i knew your kisses would be sweet.”

yongguk takes the initiative this time and kisses him.  “what am i going to do with you?”

love me, he wants to say but doesn’t.  it’s still new this thing between them, there’s no rush.  they’ve got forever anyway.  he’ll make yongguk see it too, he has to because he can’t imagine a life without him.  “hyung, i’m still kind of tired,” he says, stifling back a yawn. 

“why don’t you go back to bed?  i’ll make sure everyone keeps the noise level down when they return.”

“hyung?”

“yes, junhongie.”  

“do you mind if i sleep in your bed?”

“you know i don’t.”  he smiles, a feeling of warmth settling within him as he realizes that junhong is his.

he nods and grabs the comforter he tossed aside earlier.  “will you…” he pauses to take a breath, nerves dancing along the edges despite everything that’s been said, “will you come too?”

instead of answering, yongguk stands and pulls junhong to his feet.  taking the comforter he places it around junhong’s frame and kisses him before leading him to his bedroom.

junhong spreads the comforter out on the bed while yongguk texts himchan telling him to keep it down when they return.  then they’re climbing into bed and yongguk is pulling junhong against him, wrapping an arm around the younger man.

“is this okay?”

“more than okay,” junhong murmurs, letting his eyes drift shut as he thinks it’s more like perfect.  yongguk’s arms feel like home.

FIN

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i thought my first foray into writing bap would be a daejae fic, but this happened first…

comments/constructive criticism are both very much appreciated.  thank you!