It’s been a while since Seungkwan last had time for himself. He had busied himself with radio shows as soon as the team ended promotions for their latest album. He was in and out of the broadcasting station so he didn’t have the luxury to enjoy a break, even after all the running the team did to get their song everywhere. But now, finally, after several months of burying himself in work, he was rewarded with a day off.

He walks the streets near his company building. His every step echoes on the pavement, his boots clicking and clacking, as if in a lonely rhythm. He digs his hands in the pockets of his dark coat. He huffs, a puff of air coming out of his mouth. It was too cold. He shrinks himself into his turtle neck, white like the snow slowly blanketing the city. He scrunches up his nose, feeling a cold coming. He spots their usual coffee shop in the distance. It was the closest one to their company building and the boys frequented the shop when they felt like having anything but iced Americano. Seungkwan didn’t like coffee, it was too bitter for his liking, but he learned to love caramel macchiato. It was the only drink he could stomach and it gave just the right kick to stay awake.

He waits by the crossing, waiting for the go counter to stop so he could cross. People start to pile up beside him. He looks up. Snow was falling, endlessly pouring out from the gloomy sky. He blinks, his mind filling with thoughts of melancholy. The small white snowflakes were pretty, to Seungkwan it meant that the year was about to end and a new one was going to unfold. Ever since they debuted, snow made him smile. It didn’t seem so hopeless anymore. The helpless feeling of hard work, sweat, and uncertainty no longer lingered in the air. Now, more than a year after they’ve gotten recognition from the public, snow elicited happy excited feelings from Seungkwan. But today, for some reason, the white snow, slowly falling in an endless loop, made him feel sad.

The stop light blinks bright green and the counter starts to move. He sighs. People start to move before him. Like a sign, it seemed like the universe wanted him to move forward. Being melancholic was not how he wanted to spend his rare one day off. He struts across the street, leaving his morose feelings by the stop light.

Seungkwan pushes the door to the café open, the bell clinking a happy chime. The barista for the day smiles his way. Seungkwan smiles back, breathing in the comforting scent of coffee beans roasting. He orders his usual caramel macchiato and a slice of cake for the day. While waiting for his order, he settles in a cozy single sitter table in the corner. It was unlike him to sit so secluded, but he wanted to be alone with his thoughts and to not be bothered by other people’s chatter.

He opens his planner, taking out the black pen neatly inserted on the side. He looks through every page, reading every entry, checking his plans, what he achieved, and what he failed to accomplish. There was a lot more he wanted to do, he was just starting out as an entertainer. He’s just slowly putting himself out there, getting bits of recognition from the public. It was a slow start, but he was glad he was getting attention, no matter how little.

It wasn’t long before his order came. The waiter neatly places his coffee and cake on the table. Seungkwan smiles and gives a short thank you.

The waiter smiles back. “I thought you were going to sit with the others. I almost brought your orders there.”

“Hm?” Seungkwan looked up, confused.

The waiter gestured to the far end of the café. “Should I tell them you’re here?”

“Ah, no. I’ll let them know. Thanks.” He bows with a gentle smile.

The waiter smiles back and bows. “Enjoy your food, then. Thank you.”

As soon as the waiter disappears into the counter, Seungkwan lets out a sigh. A tinge of pain stings where his heart pounds. He gazes at the two boys huddled together, Vernon’s arm around Minghao’s shoulder. He whispers something on the red-haired boy’s ear, a smile forming on his lips. Minghao then hands him a macaroon, Vernon taking a contented bite out of the dessert from the boy’s fingers, their faces close to each other, almost grazing. Minghao his finger, a smile escaping his lips.

Seungkwan’s eyes water, a tear sliding down his cheek. He looks away, tears dripping like the flood gates were opened. He does not recall when it all started. Their close and intimate friendship becoming platonic. Their souls slowly drifting away. Regardless, it still hurt, like a stab to the chest. Seungkwan wipes a tear, his eyebrows scrunching up, a wave of sadness hitting him. He covers his face with his hand, holding his breath, hoping it would stop this unexpected outburst.

Vernon was special to him. Everyone knew it. The fans saw it. Vernon knew it. But they were adults now. It was useless to keep hanging on to things that will only amount to nothing but dependency. It was the last thing Seungkwan wanted to happen. He had plans, BIG plans. He needed to stand on his own. And if that meant letting go of his most comforting place in the world, then so be it.

He takes a deep breath, tears finally gone. He dabs the wet marks on his face, as if erasing all the hurt he’s going through. With a determined nudge, he looks at the two once again, his heart breaking into pieces. He swallows. His eyes watering. You’re a fool, Seungkwan. He tells himself, scribbling the same on the page for today. Tears drop on his planner, as if dancing a morose song. The ink blots and bleeds, his written words twisting into an illegible pattern. He hurriedly closes his planner and stuffs it into his ebony clutch bag, clipping it on his armpit. He stands, digging his hands in his pockets and steps into the snow, leaving his food untouched, cake and caramel macchiato looking bitter to the taste.

Tears rain down like the snow in a sad duet. Seungkwan struggles to keep his eyes on the road, his vision blurry. He slumps on a bench, cold and lonely. He takes out a dark beanie from his clutch and puts it over his head. The tears keep coming, sweet and fond memories piercing every inch of his poor beating heart. He was starting to shiver, but he stayed. He needed to let it all out. This is the last. He promises himself. 

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I'm sorry it's so sad. I was emotionally hit when pictures of Vernon and Minghao came out. You know what I mean, right? I didn't realize I was so emotionally invested in the Verkwan ship until today. Plus it's raining and Bigbang's Last Dance came out. Ugh. Anyway, that's that. Let me know what you think! See you on the next story! :)