"How many times does this make? You've been home late for more than two weeks, Jaebum. What were you doing?" was the words which greeted Jaebum when he come home that night.

He sighed tiredly, "I've been away from job for quite long, there's a lot that I need to do it's inevitable that I have to stay longer at the office."

And that shut his mother up nicely, she juts out her lips for a moment before walking away and leave his son alone. Jaebum didn't know when did he become such a good liar. He did stay longer in the office but what makes him come home late everyday wasn't that, he makes it a routine to go to that intersection, strolling around the park and sit at one of the benches which facing the pond. Thinking and thinking, trying to remember, trying to understand. But he always came home empty without the slightest memories get dug up.

He tried to ask his brother about it and just as he expected Youngjae won't say anything. The only thing he said to him was always, 'it's not my place to answer it, hyung.'

And Jaebum only relented and not choking his brother out of frustration because he remembers Jackson's face and his words. He swallowed it down because he need to figure it out alone, he need to understand it by himself. He often find it unfair for him to be placed in that position, clueless and lost yet these people seems to demand him to make choices. But then he thinks he understand that there must be a reason to all of this.

'I've been thinking a lot of what if and I don't want to ruin it again'

He can let it go just as Jackson said and move on with his current life, making new memories. No one is forcing him to search for his past, no one is forcing him to be the past him whose memories are intact and never felt the emptiness he has now. No one did. But he feels the need, the wants to remember, to understand and to go back to those memories where the smell of tea leaves lingers and just full of giggles and laughter.

Then the only thing Jaebum need to do is to follow his heart even with the gaps in his memories. His heart knows what it wants.

--

Jaebum pull his jacket tighter, trying to make himself warmer when a gush of wind blowing past him. He shivered a little, feeling cold and mildly gets it in his head that he should go since the cold can make him sick, but he found himself lost at the scene of the pond frozen and snows dancing in the air. There must be something important with the park, especially the pond with the way it's affecting him this much and that certain memory which is so distinct, the clearest memory he have connected to that certain person.

"Trying to get yourself sick?"

Jaebum almost jumped in his seat when the deep voice breaking his reverie, getting even more shocked when he saw the person who disturb his thoughts. Beautiful face smiling and peering down at him, and maybe it's the lightening, maybe it's the mellow mood of winter which makes him look even stunning and something about the way he looks at Jaebum is just so soft, makes his heart clenching in a burst of emotions he couldn't really decipher.

"Jackson..." he muttered the name barely a whisper and his brain just stuck in awe and something else when the other guy sitting beside him, sighing and looking back at him in the eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

He couldn't answer immediately since he got tongue-tied. Hope, Jaebum didn't dare to hope, but seeing Jackson here, at that exact place where his past remains, hope blooming rapidly like burning fire. And he wonders, if he let it bloom further and it fails him, how painful the burnt will be.

"Jaebum, why are you here?" Jackson repeated, urging yet tone gentle to tell him that he's patient.

"That's supposed to be my line, why are you here?" he eventually able to ask, eyes searching the dark brown orbs.

"Why, can't I be wherever I want?" Jackson chuckled, teasing but also calculating, Jaebum could see it in his eyes and the twitch of his lips.

"Right back at you," he's really surprised at himself for being able to banter like that with Jackson when alarm goes off in his head, heart palpitating in so many emotions, but most of all, hope.

Jackson laughed, eyes crinkling and his lips just bring Jaebum further into misery, the need to leap closer, the need to run away become mixed and he didn't know what he really want to do anymore. If he had meet Jackson again in another place, he's sure his head won't be this chaotic, but Jackson is really there, in 'that' place. And suddenly what he had hoped in the tiniest speck of his heart, becomes all too real and he's afraid it's going to backfire if it's not as he hoped it to be. It's less painful when expecting a fall while walking on the ground than falling from a higher place.

"You live around here?" he asked, obviously agitated and Jackson stop laughing at the expectations in Jaebum's eyes.

"Who knows?" he shrugged with a smirk.

"Jackson."

"I saw you loitering around here for the past two weeks," he added, looking to the pond for a while before turning to look at Jaebum again. "Is that answer enough?"

No, of course it's not, Jaebum wanted to rage, to get angry and demand more honest answers. But he knows, Jackson won't give him anything else other than talking in riddles and Jaebum didn't want to step over the boundaries and have his chances taken away. So he asked instead, "what game are you playing Jackson?"

"I'm not playing any games, Jaebum. I'm letting fate and time take course."

"Why? Why not just tell me? Why... Why all this?" Jaebum is frustrated, but he's keeping his heart at bay. And for once he did good.

"Because I can't choose," was probably the most honest answer Jackson had said to Jaebum.

"Choose what?" he whispered, already tasting the growing silence from Jackson when the guy's eyes fixated to the pond and stays stiff, evidently won't give another answer. "Fine," he relented, turning his head to look at the pond too in an attempt to melt the rising tension.

After a few minutes finally Jackson start talking again, cuing Jaebum that all is okay. "You know, around this time, that pond is frozen," he points to the pond yet with a frown and unenthusiastic face, "the ice is thick."

"So what? You wanna try skating there?" Jaebum asked with a soft laugh, partly joking, another part testing, waiting for the answer.

Jackson scoffed, "no thanks man. I fell in once and that's enough."

This had Jaebum pinned harder with the mounting emotions in his whole being, and he can't stop the twitch of his body, eyes wide in eagerness to ask, ask and ask again. He need confirmation now more than any other times, he need to know, he need to let his hope die or rise in that exact moment. And no one gonna stop him.

"You fell in and had the gals to pull me so in the end we both fell in, in the middle of winter," that wasn't a question, it was a statement and nothing is better than a close range shot. And Jaebum could feel it how his heart stops when Jackson turned his head in a snap with shock and many more emotions bare in his wide eyes.

"How do you-"

"It is you," he breathed, blood rushing and he felt like his stomach dropped when Jackson closed his mouth and evidently gulping down, it was good signs as any and Jaebum slides closer, daring himself to touch Jackson's cold cheek, keeping them both there, in that moment. "You laughed. When we were both drenched to our thighs, trembling and almost dying from the cold, you laughed. And we hugged each other tighter as we climbed out of the pond and running to our apartment. Isn't that true? It was you, wasn't it? It's all you, with me."

Jackson was at lost of words, eyes still wide and his face is blank caught out of guard, but the eyes, Jaebum could see the glints in his eyes. And when his dark brown orbs lowering, for a split of second he saw Jackson glancing to his lips, Jaebum can't stop it. He leans forward because his heart wants it, the surging emotions pushing him for his urge, his hope, his desire to be answered.

A soft gasp left Jackson's lips before Jaebum catch it, pressing their lips together, feeling it warm and soft against his and his heart soaring to the sky because it feels right. He can feel it in that moment, in the gaps of his memories that this is the perfect puzzle piece. And he pull away for a bit because he need to heave a deep breath, noticing the words at the back of his throat was, I missed this. I missed him.

"I had hoped, I've been wishing that it was you since we met in the garden at the hospital. When you said those words, something just clicked and I can't help but hoped, it is you. But I didn't dare to let it grow because I was afraid I was wrong, and I don't want to fall, I don't want to find that the one in my memories wasn't you. I've been drawn to you since the first time," he whispered, throat tight but also find his heart at peace even though it's beating harder than it ever have.

"Jaebum..." Jackson closed his eyes, too overwhelmed yet he didn't push Jaebum, he didn't pull away and let their breaths touching each other lips.

"Please Jackson... Please tell me," he pleads, searching the emotions on Jackson's face.

"Jaebum, I... You don't understand."

"Then make me understand."

Jackson opens his eyes, glinting sadly and beautifully from the denied tears, "you forget about me, of all the people you know, you forget about me. That must meant something, and I was afraid, I was confused and I don't want you hurting."

"What are you afraid of? Why am I hurting?"

"I can't-" he swallowed as he's choked on his words. "If I tell you then I'm selfish, then I'm taking you away from the chance to make the right choice."

"I found you Jackson, even when I forget about you, even now when I still don't remember you, I have wanted you even before I knew it was you. Is that not choice enough?" Jaebum was desperate, he don't understand and Jackson is not helping him at all.

"You didn't found me, I was the one who came to you, visited you because I can't be away from you. If I hadn't-"

"Why?" Jaebum gritting his teeth, holding in his harsh breath from the rising anger, "why must you make it so hard?"

Jackson inhaled sharply, biting his lower lip before he said, "what if it was me who caused your car accident?"

It feels like the world stops under Jaebum's feet, "what? I was driving alone, there's no way it's because of you."

"You were driving recklessly after Mark called you, wasn't it?" he sniffed, tears b in the corner of his eyes.

Jaebum didn't remember. He didn't even remember who's Mark is. And Jackson caught on the look on his face.

"See? You don't remember, how can you be so sure it wasn't because of me? And- and after that, you forgot about me. Maybe, maybe this is meant to be, maybe this means something."

"What is meant to be?" he almost growl because he could feel the way Jackson trying to put a barrier between them.

"Jaebum please, give me time... Give yourself time to think," Jackson is tired emotionally, he can't handle this any longer.

"Think about what? I don't know and no one is telling me anything!" he shouted in frustration. Jackson didn't even flinch, he's strong on his ground even though his eyes swimming with sadness and he just wanted all of this to end.

"Did I do something to you? Did I... Did I hurt you and now you're making me pay now?" Jaebum bury his face in his hands, completely broken and feels betrayed.

"No, no you never hurt me. But you were hurting... You were crying every night and I can't stand it."

Why, why, why Jackson, it echoes in his mind, ripping him apart slowly. "Why must you torture me so?"

"If I tell you now, I know what choice you will make and I can't live another day with it. But if you find it yourself, if you see it from different perspective, maybe... Maybe you will be able to choose from the bottom of your heart and I can stop myself from worrying about you coming to regret about your choice in the future."

Then he left. Leaving Jaebum alone yet again with the turmoils in his heart.

--

It's unneeded to say that Jaebum having a bad mood the whole day. In the morning he went to work earlier than usual and waiting in his cubicle for his friend to arrive in agitated state, he can't wait, he's dying to know. Time always seem to stretch excruciatingly long when people is impatient, and in Jaebum's case as he's also a man of short temper, it becomes agonizingly long. Jinyoung didn't even have the time to greet him when Jaebum already dragging him out to an empty hallway where nobody can hear them.

"I need you to tell me now, don't leave me in the dark and please, please just tell me honestly what the hell is happening?" he asked in a rush, his whole being begging and pleading and he might even consider making a puppy eyes if it could buy his way.

Jinyoung blinking wide eyed at him, taking a moment before he understood what was being asked. "What do you want to know?"

"Who's Mark? What was his last call to me? What happened?"

Jinyoung cleared his throat and looking around before answering, "he's Jackson's best friend. And about that phone call..."

"Don't you dare play riddles with me too," he seethed.

"Ho, easy bull, I was going to answer," he chuckled mockingly, seemingly still in his teasing mode even under Jaebum's glare. "He was saying about Jackson that he might be leaving."

"Leaving...? Leaving to where? Why?"

"He was distancing himself from you hyung. Jackson was ridden with guilt and he's scared, that's why he was thinking of being away from you for a while."

"Guilt? Why? Did he do something to me? Why didn't he just talk to me? Wait, did he talk to me but I didn't listen to him?" Jaebum didn't remember at all, this is all so foreign and the more he took the information, the more he's becoming confused.

Jinyoung smack his lips together, eyes rolling up in a calculating way, "you know, before you start chasing after Jackson, after your past, you should talk to your fiancee first."

"What? What am I going to talk to her? I don't even know a thing and she seems clueless either, why would I talk to her and possibly destroying everything?" a deep frown forming on Jaebum's face, utterly confused why would Jinyoung suddenly brought up his fiancee.

"She's your fiancee, look up in a dictionary what a fiancee mean. And you know who's Jackson is- was in your life. Don't you think it's unfair if you're chasing after Jackson and then you forget about your fiancee? You wasn't a man who leave things unsolved, hyung. I know you know what I meant, what does your heart tells you?"

What does his heart tells him? It was clear before, when he was face to face with Jackson, when he had a brief taste of Jackson's lips, he was sure. But now, although he knows to whom his heart leaning towards to, he thinks, it's hard to be fair. Especially when his fiancee was always so kind to him, smiling to him without ever questioning anything.

What does his heart tells him?