Title: I Regretted For Not Telling You...

Reviewer/Consultant: Nom_Nom_Nom

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Title - 2/5

The title could be better. It was a bit plain; I feel like I’ve seen a lot of titles on this site about regret of some sort for not doing something. It’s also phrased awkwardly, which is a big turn-off.  If you wanted to make it grammatically correct, it would be I Regret Not Telling You… which is still kind of generic-looking. I’d suggest maybe trying to come up with something a little less obvious and a bit more original. Maybe try to think about where you want your story to go, and then come up with a title that’s related to that?

Ability to draw readers in - 7/20

Gah. Maybe I’m a picky reader or something, but I found it hard to force myself to read your fic, and by chapter 7, I’d completely lost interest in your story.

I think a lot of this overlaps with some of the other items in this rubric. For example, I think one of the biggest reasons that you’re not really drawing the reader in is because of your story’s plot. It really felt like it wasn’t going anywhere; it dragged far too much, there was hardly any conflict, and it was just boring and meaningless. I had no reason to keep reading, no interest, to find out what would happen next. I’ll discuss this more in the plot category.

Also, your characterization was quite poor. None of your characters seemed realistic to me, and some didn’t even have distinct personalities. As a result, I found myself unable to connect with any of your characters, so I really didn’t care what happened to any of them. 

Another huge issue that kept me from enjoying your fic was your use of POV. For one thing, you kept switching which POV you were writing from, which really just destroyed your flow.  It’s kind of hard to read three different points of view in the same chapter, and it makes your story sound very choppy. Additionally, you didn’t really seem to have a purpose for the changes in POV that you used. I felt like whenever you used the POV of a character other than your main character (e.g., Chunji’s POV or Appa’s POV), you only did so because you were too lazy to write from second person POV. You also did a lot of switching between “3rd person’s POV” and “no one’s POV” (which are actually first person POV and second person POV ), even though this served no purpose but to give me a slight headache. 

You don’t seem to be too clear on the different points of view, so I’ll try to explain this briefly. 

Basically, first person uses words like “I” and “my”. For example: I ate breakfast this morning.  I think you’ve mistakenly labeled this as “3rd person’s POV” in your story.

Second person uses words like “you” and “your”. For example: You threw away the paper.  You’ve termed this as “no one’s POV” in your story.

Finally, third person uses words like “he”, “she”, “it”, and “they”. For example: He ate some pie. 

I know this explanation is pretty vague, so if you need me to clarify, please do ask. I don’t want to rant too much about POV, though, so I tried to simplify the definitions for the different types of POV.

Anyway, it doesn’t really make sense to write in first person POV, then in second person POV, especially since you’re still writing from the main character’s perspective either way. It’s really confusing, since half the time, I’m supposed to imagine I’m the main character, and the other half of the time, I’m not. I don’t know, maybe I’m a strange child or something, but I was always taught that I am not you and you are not me, and that you and I are two different people, so it really just throws me off when “I” and “you” are used to refer to the same character in narration. Did that make any sense? No? Anyway, I’d advise you just to stick to first person POV (I will rant about second person POV in characterization). You also mess up which POV you’re writing in quite often, so that’s another downfall to switching points of view. For example, in chapter 5, you write, “I’m standing in front of the mirror in your new uniform.” 

Watch out for this, especially in your first person sections.  If you’re not too clear on the difference between first/second/third person, feel free to ask.

Also, just by the way, a sigh is not a thought, so don’t just write, “sigh”. You can write, “you sighed” or “he sighed”, but don’t just put *sigh* down when one of your character sighs. 

Basically, to summarize, I think you have problems with drawing in the reader at the moment because your plot is boring and drags too much, your characterization is poor, and your flow is choppy and disjointed as a result of your excessive POV change. Also, the use of both second person and first person makes your story confusing to read and kind of hard to understand, which is another reason you probably aren’t drawing in as many readers as you could be.

Writing style - 4/10

Your writing tended to be very plain. You’d state what happened using short, simple sentences, and that was about it. Try to describe the events that take place a bit more; it’ll make your writing much more interesting. Description allows the reader to better imagine what’s happening, and therefore enables the reader to connect with your story more fully. I noticed you placed links to various images throughout your story in order to give the reader an idea of the clothing your characters wear. Instead of doing this, you should describe what your characters are wearing using words.

Additionally, I found much of your writing unclear, which made it difficult to understand what exactly was occurring. Let’s take chapter 13. 

*Ring ring*, the sound went off again. Quick enough, you turn to the direction. “CHUNJI IT’S THERE!” You pointed at the direction.

“Where?!” Chunji then look at the direction you’re pointing at.

“Let’s go before it’s gone again!” With that, both of you run off.

Just then Chunji’s sudden brake caused you to bump into his chest. “YAH! How many times must I tell you to give signal before you stop?!” You yelped while rubbing your forehead.

“Mianhae, forget that. Now let’s order.” He smiled.

Without even deciding, “ONE CHOCOLATE CHIP CONE!”

You never explained what the ringing sound is, so you left the reader wondering what you were referring to here. You also never clearly showed that your characters find the source of the ringing noise, so I was confused when you went from talking about ringing to ordering (and you didn’t write what they were ordering, either, which made everything even more confusing.) I had to read this section about four times to understand that the ringing sound came from an ice cream truck, and that after finding the truck, your characters ordered ice cream from it. 

I’d also like to comment on your word choice. A lot of the words you chose to use were imprecise and, as a result, made your writing confusing. For example, going back to the excerpt from above, in the last line, you wrote that your characters order chocolate chip ice cream “without even deciding”. This doesn’t make sense, though. When your characters order a specific flavor of ice cream, they are choosing a flavor. Deciding is defined as making a choice, so it doesn’t make sense that they can choose a flavor of ice cream without making a choice, or “without even deciding”. What I’m guessing you meant to say here is “without even thinking”. The problem with imprecise wording is that it slows your readers down as they go back and try to figure out what you were really trying to say. If you can, try to make sure all the words you’re using are being used correctly. 

Plot - 7/20

You had a lot of plot holes. Let’s look at chapter 4, for example. Your main character gets hit by a car, but the only thing that happens to her is that her elbow bleeds? That’s a bit unrealistic. She should have internal organ damage, fractures, massive amounts of bleeding (not just the elbow), possibly a concussion of some sort. If you don’t know what the aftermath of being hit by a car is, just do a little research. Additionally, you don’t mention what the guy driving the car does after he/she hits your character. Which is also illogical. If I accidentally hit someone while driving a car, I’d sure as heck make sure to check that they were okay. Otherwise, I’d probably be sued. Hitting someone and then driving away (i.e., a hit-and-run) is considered a severe crime in most places, by the way. 

So why do plot holes matter? Basically, the problem with plot holes is that they make your story unrealistic. I know you’re writing a fanfic, but your story should still be relatively believable; otherwise, readers won’t be able to identify with your story and won’t be interested in reading it. 

In general, your plot was just really generic. Your character moves to new school, where she’s bullied, but the ‘kingkas’ fall for her and everything ends up okay. Come on, you can do better than that! I understand that it’s hard to be completely original these days, but if you’re going to write about a girl who moves to a new school, at least try to put your own spin on it. Does she really need to be bullied? Maybe the students are, for once, genuinely nice, cheerful people instead of cold-hearted bullies.  

The biggest problem with your plot was that it seemed like it didn’t know where it was going; random stuff happened, and then more random stuff happened. One of the reasons I felt uninterested in your story was because the plot wasn’t doing anything. It wasn’t building up to some specific event, nor was it really developing itself. There was also almost no conflict in your story, which made it tedious to read. To be honest, I don’t really care if your characters go to an amusement park unless something happens or the scene serves some kind of purpose. I can barely remember what’s happened in your fic because it just consists of all these random events that just don’t matter. Furthermore, your plot drags quite a bit in some parts, then rushes through others. Try to work on your flow a bit. The dragging makes your story even more of a dull read, and the rushing simply confuses the reader.  You mainly rush through everything, which makes it difficult to understand what’s happening since the reader doesn’t get enough time to digest everything.

Your plot really only started developing at around chapter 24. I felt like before this, you weren’t exactly sure what you wanted to have happen. 

What I’d suggest is that you plan out your plot before you write. I don’t mean you have to decide every single detail that happens, but deciding on the general storyline of your fic and some key events that occur would be helpful in organizing your story and preventing the plot from just wandering around pointlessly, which is what yours is doing at the moment.  It seems as if you just write chapters randomly without thinking the plot through. Most of the events that happen in your story should serve some sort of purpose, whether you’re showing character development, setting up future scenes, or just moving the plot along. Also, even though you’re over 20 chapters into your fic, I still don’t see how the title applies, which suggests that you weren’t really thinking about your plot when you first created your story.

Characterization - 3/15

Your characterization fell short for me. Your characters were all either shallow, flat, or both. The different members of Teen Top all pretty much had the same personalities in your story, and I don’t really think I’d be able to describe any of your characters’ personalities if I tried. The problem is that most of them don’t seem to have distinct personalities; they all talk and act the same, and there seems to be nothing that would distinguish one character from another. 

I noticed you tried to characterize your main character by using “innocent” to describe her and her actions, but she really didn’t come off as very innocent to me. Instead of smacking the reader with the word “innocent” to convey that she’s innocent, try to actually show that she’s innocent. You know that expression, “show, not tell?” I think it applies very well to your story. You do a lot of telling instead of showing, which makes your story somewhat plain. Also, just because you say or tell something doesn’t necessarily make it believable. If I suddenly told you that I live on Mars and attend a school named Pigfarts, you wouldn’t believe me. You’d probably want me to show you some kind of proof. Likewise, instead of simply telling the reader that the main character is innocent, show the reader through the way your character talks, acts, and thinks. Not only does this make your story more interesting, but it also makes your character more realistic.

Someone who’s innocent is probably naïve, easily misled, and a bit unaware of the less pleasant parts in life. For example, in chapter six, when 4minute suggests that the main character be their “toy”, the main character opposes the idea violently, showing that she realizes 4minute’s pretty much just messing with her. However, it’s more likely that if she were truly innocent, she’d think Jihyun were being genuine and sincere in this offer, and may have even accepted it. Also, your character refers to 4minute as “two-faced b*t*ches” in this chapter, which isn’t really something an innocent person would do. If you want to characterize your character as someone innocent, try to think about how an innocent person would think or act, and then have your character act according to this.

As for the characterizations of your other characters, what I’d suggest doing is thinking about what makes them different from each other before writing about them. How are the personalities of your characters unique? Once you’ve figured that out, try to characterize your characters by making them act differently based on these different personalities. Give them actual motives and reasons for doing whatever they do. Most of your characters have relatively shallow motives for acting as they do, which makes them seem superficial and unrealistic. Additionally, many of your characters are inconsistent in the way they act. Chunji, for example, seems bipolar, and your main character, as I discussed above, isn’t really innocent. Your characters act immaturely for their ages as well, which bugs me a little.

Also, I’d recommend giving your main character a name. Reading ~~~~~ is somewhat annoying, since for one thing, you can’t really read squiggles. Also, I know this is currently being written as a “you” fic, but I’d personally suggest that you write it solely in first person. Forgive me for being blunt, but I think “you” fics are kind of lame in general. I mean, I guess when someone reads a “you” fic, she’s supposed to imagine herself as the main character, but honestly, I can’t see myself as the main character in your fic at all. I wouldn’t act like her, talk like her, think like her, et cetera. The majority of readers won’t be able to imagine themselves as the main character in your fic, either, so that defeats the purpose of the “you” fic (and just makes it kind of awkward for the reader). Even in the rare instance that most readers are able to imagine themselves as the main character, all this says is that the main character is poorly developed and has an extremely flat personality. It’s like a lose-lose situation. You don’t want your character to just be a shell that everyone can insert themselves into, because if that’s the case, she really can’t have that much of a personality. Think about it. You’re going to have readers with different personalities. If they can all see themselves as the main character, she must be very generic and un-unique. 

Writing Mechanics - 1.5/5

Since you’re not a native English speaker, I get that it might be difficult to have perfect grammar and spelling. Your biggest issue at the moment probably has to do with verb tense—you switched into present tense quite often, so be on the lookout for that. You also misused a lot of words. I’d recommend getting a beta reader if you can just to help with your grammar. It was difficult to read and understand many parts of your story purely because your grammar was incorrect. 

To improve your understanding of the English language (and therefore your grammar), I’d just advise doing a lot of reading and writing in English. After all, practice makes perfect. Find some books (or even fanfics, really,) written in English that interest you and read them. The more you read, the more examples of proper English you’ll see, and the more familiar with the language you’ll become. 

Originality/Creativity - 10/25

Your story was very plain. There really wasn’t anything special about it. The plot was pretty common, and your characters were too flat for me to consider them to be unique. I do understand that coming up with an original story can be difficult. Your plot doesn’t have to be entirely new for your story to be original, but there should be something about your fic that separates it from the rest of the stories on this site. What you should consider when you write a story is this: why is your story worthwhile to read? What makes your story different from the hundreds of thousands of other stories on this site? What is it that you want readers to remember after reading your story? I think if you’d just take these questions into account a bit, your story would be much more creative and enjoyable to read. As of now, your story blends in with all of the other fics I’ve read. There’s nothing that stands out to me particularly about your story, to be honest.

Your story does appear to be getting a bit more creative in your latest chapters. I’m not sure exactly where you’re going with your plot right now, but I’ve bumped up this score a little after reading your newer updates. Even in these chapters, though, your plot’s still primarily composed of unoriginal events. 

**General Comments:

I hope you’re not too disheartened by what I’ve said. I admire that you’ve asked for a review, since it indicates that you’re willing to listen to what others have to say about your story and to improve your writing ability. I did notice that your grammar improved throughout the course of the story, and I appreciate how you stopped using asterisks to indicate thought. I know I didn’t give you the greatest score, but I do think you have the potential to grow as an author. 

Sorry  that this is so lengthy. I don’t know how much sense I made, so feel free to ask me to clarify anything that I didn’t explain very well.  Also, I apologize for taking so long to finish your review. 

By the way, I didn’t know where to put this, but you really don’t need the flashbacks at the beginning of each chapter. You’re not writing some kind of drama that airs once a week; if the reader has forgotten what’s happened since the last update, they can simply click back one chapter. 

34.5/100 ; 34.5%

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Questions;

• I need some ideas on how to improve my story and some advice on word choices.

I’ll just address the word choice portion of this question. Like I said in the mechanics section, I think the best way for you to improve your word choice is just to read more English literature. Currently, your vocabulary seems somewhat limited. As you read more English, you’ll see new words and learn how to use these words correctly, which will allow you to improve your word choice. 

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