Sometimes people hurt more than they can handle.

And sometimes they don't know how to ask for help.

They are so caught up in their own pain, they ended up hurting everyone around them.

- Rebecca Donovan, Barely Breathing

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
 

“We’re sorry for causing a disturbance.” That’s what Jiyong had said.

It wasn’t long before the video clip flooded his Instagram inbox, amongst many other things. Coward. Junkie. Addict. The names they called him. The things they said. Oppa didn’t smoke, wtf is he the one apologizing? Leave the group! Bigbang deserves better.

We? Why was it “we” when he’s the one single-handedly ruined everything? Jiyong shouldn’t have done it in the first place, he had done nothing wrong. But why would it come off as a surprise? That’s Jiyong. The members did good? They worked hard. Any of them makes a small mistake, got involved in a scandal? He put all the blame on himself because he, as the leader, didn’t manage them well.

They’re right about him. A coward. Jiyong stood on stage and apologized on his behalf while he hid in his house, surrounded by empty bottles and the one almost there in his hand. His mother offered to come over but he gently declined, giving excuses that he was all good on his own and that can save her the troubles going through the media outside of his house.

As much as he wanted to just be out of everyone’s sight and wither away in his house, he couldn’t do it. He had to do something, at least be responsible for his wrongdoing. And for Jiyong.

When his manager came over and suggested that maybe he should give a few words on the incident—Seunghyun noticed that he didn’t use the word “scandal”—without a word he produced the letter on the table.

His hyung straightened up in his seat and pulled the letter closer. He skimmed through it and his eyes reddened. It’s not just the words, it’s the handwriting. He had known his artist for so long it’d be a blatant lie if he couldn’t tell from the shaky handwriting that how Seunghyun’s heart and hand had trembled with shame and fear and remorse. Not to mention the man hadn’t even looked him in the eye ever since he stepped inside this house.

“This is for Jiyong.” His eyes snapped up from the letter at the worrisome raspy voice. He had seen some empty bottles on his way in but Seunghyun looked sober enough now so that’s a good sign.

He chanced a subtle glance at the ashtray on the other end of the table, which was full of burned out cigarettes stubs. He couldn’t say for the cigarettes though. Through the years working with this man, he had come to realize that he has a very sensitive heart and mind, so vulnerable that it made you want to hide him away from all the afflictions in this world. But at this moment, as he sat across from him, and really, really looked at this man, he felt a pang of guilt spread across his chest because how can he not see through it sooner? How can he not know Seunghyun’s suffering all this while? He, as his manager, the one who was with him for almost every hour of every day, should’ve noticed it’s more than what Seunghyun had let on.

Unlike the one for the public, the letter for Jiyong was folded neatly and he understood it’s meant for Jiyong’s eyes only. “Okay, I will make sure to pass it to him.” It didn’t come out as cheerful as he attempted to but he had tried.

Finally, Seunghyun raised his head and did something that made him feel even worse. He smiled, a futile attempt to show he’s alright. Just how deep is the void inside of you, Seunghyun? He wanted to grab hold of his shoulders and hopefully shake some sense into him that he didn’t have to keep everything in, that there’s so much a heart can take before it collapsed and stopped beating altogether.

Instead he simply nodded and blinked the tear in his eyes away, gathering the letters into his bag. Seunghyun rarely asked him for anything, he would be damned if he couldn’t do this one simple thing right. He didn’t know what’s in the letter for Jiyong, but it’s not just a letter, it’s a distress call, that much he was sure of.

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby