1. Once the pain

 

 

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I’ve been miserable for the past few years. I was empty, I was dead, and I was all alone. People I meet in my life makes me feel like I am worthless, like I deserve to be someone who should be alone in her whole life.

 

Pain has been my best friend ever since, I’ve come to the conclusion that being hurt by someone is my destiny.  What have I become? I’m so lost, I couldn’t find myself for so long.

It was like a war, a chaos, a protest but the only difference was, it was all in me. The war, chaos and protest to myself, to my feelings, my life. My life is too messy, I’m trying to fight a battle, a battle I couldn’t seems to win, a battle to myself and this mental illness.

 

People say “only you can help yourself” wrong, I can’t tho, I’ve tried but it never got better. I can’t help myself. Nayeon once said “You don’t love me, you don’t even love yourself. how can you love me?”  I’m starting to think she’s right, maybe everything was my fault, why she left me. I was too much to handle, even I can’t handle myself. She’s probably right. I can’t be love by anyone, even myself.

 

Ever since I was diagnose with this illness, I’ve been totally fake to people, fake as in faking my happiness when I’m with my friends and family, but the time that she, nayeon, broke my heart and left me, I’ve been the worst version of myself. I don’t eat, I lock myself in my room, I cry myself to sleep, I was a zombie, when I go out with my friends? I get myself drunk, always. I had multiple attempts of suicide but it seems like I can’t get to kill myself directly so I started drinking more and more, I even started smoking. Sometimes, hoping I will just get into trouble or get hit by a car while I’m drunk.

 

I wonder if anyone even cares for me.

 

I’ve given up my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2. Twice the gain

 

 

 

 

 

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Life has never been nice to me, problems here and there. Misery surrounding me, but you came like a pouring rain in my life, I’m drenched with your love and sincerity.

No, I was not convinced you would stay by my side, I cannot trust you, and I cannot be victimized by pain once again. I secured my heart from anyone else in my life.

Meeting you for the first time was not a pleasant first meet. I was crying and vomiting in a dark alley from drinking too much, you came up to me and asked me if I’m alright, worry and disgust was visible on your face, who would even talk to a stranger vomiting and crying, right?

 

Jeongyeon leans on the wall trying to control her tears from falling but she can’t seem to stop herself from crying, she leans her head on the wall and let it all out, she puked and lower her body to vomit. The alcohol that filled her system is coming out, it pained her stomach and throat.

She spits.

 

“miss are you alright?!” someone approached the drunk girl and rubbed her back gently.

Jeongyeon looked at her and she saw a girl, she blinked her eyes to get rid of the blurriness of her eyes but she can see the girl’s reaction.

“nayeon?”

The girl furrowed her eyebrows and talked.

She keeps talking but jeongyeon couldn’t hear anything anymore, her vision turn more blurry than before and her eyelids are failing her until everything went black.

She passed out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

None of them realized that it was actually the start of a friendship. They become friends, a really close friends. She trusted her to being her friend, jeongyeon relied on her, she told her about her own past and the girl did too, she was a good listener to jeongyeon. Someone who would talk to jeongyeon softly and tell her she will always be there. Jeongyeon was not sure though, she was in doubt but she wants to believe her badly, that for once in her life someone would actually stay by her side even though she’s like this.

 

Days passes by, nights comes, and weeks pass turns into months. Jeongyeon has her panic attack so often she calls her at mid night, she felt guilty to call the already sleeping girl.

 

She listen to the other line ringing as she control her sobs until she picks up.

 

“Hello?” it was husky voice, too obvious that the girl was sleeping already before jeongyeon called.

 

The line met with silence.

“jeongyeon?”

 

Jeongyeon sniffs

 

“shhh.. Don’t cry, please. You know I hate hearing you cry”

 

Jeongyeon was not responding but she already felt quite relieved by her voice.

 

“wait for me” the girl from the other line said.

 

The call ended

 

After half an hour jeongyeon heard a knock from her door, she open it and was met with a hug, the girl wrapped her arms around jeongyeon’s shoulders and hugged her tightly. She asked herself, how can she deserve someone like her? Someone like mina? No one has ever been like this to her, no one have taken care of her like mina does. No one had loved her like mina does.

 

She was not in doubt of mina’s care for her, she was in doubt if mina can handle her forever.

 

Mina stayed with her all night until she falls asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are times jeongyeon was so done with herself that she pushes mina away, the depression was eating her so much.

 

 

 

“Stay away from me please, I don’t need anyone” jeongyeon said as hugs her knees closer to her, she’s sitting on the corner of her room

 

Mina was standing far away from jeongyeon, confused.

“what are you talking about?”

 

“You can’t handle me”

 

“What do you mean? I’ve been here all along without complain and I don’t have any plans to go away”

 

“No, leave me. Better leave me now than leave me later when I can’t live without your presence. You might want to stay with me now but eventually you will also leave me like everyone else”

 

Mina sighs and walked closer to jeongyeon.

 

She hugged her as jeongyeon’s tears falls uncontrollably.

 

“I will never leave you”

 

“Don’t say that” she said between her sobs.

 

“I love you” Mina whispers.

 

Jeongyeon cried harder but silently.  It’s now a battle against her own heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A year passed, unknowingly jeongyeon was doing better than before. She stopped the drinking, she stopped cutting, and stopped the horrible things she did before. Mina was nothing but good for her, mina had never been mad to her, never been annoyed, patience is all she gave even when she kept getting pushed away when jeongyeon is having a panic attack, she understand her, she cared for her and most importantly she loves her.

They were just friends, but mina’s feelings for jeongyeon has never been as a friend. She was someone the depressed girl has ever needed in her life, she was the girl she never had, someone who understands her but never tried to change her for who she was, she loves her for what jeongyeon can and cannot do, she wasn’t asking for jeongyeon to love her back, all she wanted to do was to show her how sincere she was that she will stay.

 

 

 

She started smiling more, communicating more with her old friends, mina helped her move on, helped her to be happy. Depression cannot leave her, ever but she learned to make herself busy with mina, she got used to being with mina, she got used to not being alone anymore, she’s so attached now. She knows it’s bad for her.

Seems like, mina made her a better person. mina did not push her to change but she did out of her willingness, she started falling in love with her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jeongyeon and mina were walking as they saw a familiar figure from a far. Jeongyeon was so sure who it was and mina knew who it is.

 

She looked at jeongyeon

“It’s nayeon”

Jeongyeon felt the worry in mina’s voice. She looked at nayeon from afar and looked back at mina.

“so?”

“aren’t you affected?”

 

“of what?”

 

“she’s with someone else”

 

“no, I don’t love her anymore”

 

Mina smiled slightly not because she assumes that jeongyeon loves her, but because jeongyeon has finally moved on and got better.

 

 

 

 

Jeongyeon was still not ready to commit though, she was still not ready to trust mina with her heart, but she knows, she knows that she fell in love with mina the moment she said those things that made jeongyeon’s life a whole lot better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Depression never stopped, it has always been right in the corner.

 

 

Mina hugged jeongyeon tightly.

 

“You can never make me unlove you, I met you when you’re already like this, I love you like this, I love you for who you are and not for what you are not. I Love you and I love you more because of your flaws, I love you more because of your imperfection. I will never ask you to love me back but I will always love you the same amount I first fell in love with you, or more than that, so don’t go pushing me away again because no matter what you do I will only love you more”

 

Mina talked non-stop as she tries to stop her tears from falling.

 

 

 

Silence has filled the whole room

 

 

 

“I love you” jeongyeon whispers. It was jeongyeon’s turn to tell mina how she feels

 

 

That night, jeongyeon opened her heart to her, she was so sure mina was the one for her, she was so sure mina can make her a better person, and she was so sure all her misery has been exchanged into something greater, all her pain she felt before was exchanged with mina’s love. Mina has mend the most impossible heart to be mend. I couldn't love myself, but she did.

 

 

She’s worth it,

 

Mina is.

 

I was her disease that can infect her, a virus that can kill her, I was bad for her but she was my cure, my greatest cure.

 

I fell in love with her because she love me when I couldn't even love myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I'm sorry for the long delay, I was so busy with school, it made me felt so tired that I can't write at my free time.

here it is tho, uhmmmmm enjoy the crap I made and leave a comment