Listen to this song while you read :) Do it. You know you want to. It sounds good :)

“There was a complication in the surgery.”

None of us could speak, waiting, our throats dry, for the verdict on our hyung’s life.

“His chances of survival now are less than 3%.”

Jin Young’s POV

“What do you mean “a complication in the surgery”?” I asked, as soon as some of the strength had returned to my voice. Shock was beginning to give way to a furious tide of emotion. “Did the doctors do something wrong?!”

“Hyung,” Gong Chan’s worried voice made me look up, but I ignored him.

“Manager-hyung, tell me why it happened!” I demanded, turning away from the others.

“I’ll let you speak to the doctors,” the phone crackled as it was handed over.

“Hello?” A rather annoyed voice was put onto the line, one that infuriated me so badly I wanted to just scream at the person.

“What happened to Dong Woo?” I asked, clenching my fists so tightly that my fingernails bit into the flesh of my palm. “Why the hell was there a complication in the surgery?!”

“I don’t know if you’ve realised this, sir,” the doctor said, continuing to use that irritated, I-am-talking-to-a-three-year-old tone. “But your friend was dancing with a ruptured appendix. I don’t know how he was dealing with the pain, since most people can’t even walk in this state. Whoever forced him up on that stage should be thrown into jail. I’m surprised none of you even noticed that he was in such pain.”

“Whoever forced him up on that stage”...my mouth went dry.

I did this. I made him suffer so badly.

“Well, what was the complication?” Sandeul asked into the receiver, losing his patience with the doctor’s words.

“His dancing spread the inflammation,” the doctor replied shortly. “The cleaning process will be hazardous, because the infection has spread over such a wide area, and it will take a dangerously long time to completely clean it. However, if we cut the cleaning to a shorter, less risky time period, chances of fatal infection later are more than 98%.”

“Has our manager decided the treatment?” Baro asked.

“Yes, and he’s going ahead with the cleaning process,” the doctor said, and the phone was handed back to their manager.

“We’re not sure how long the operation will take, but the doctors think it’s going to be around five hours,” Manager said. “I’ll call you when the surgery’s over. Is there anything else you need?”

There was silence for a while, as I struggled to regain my senses. I couldn’t look the rest in the eyes after realising what I’d done.  

“No,” I finally said into the receiver, before pressing the “end call” button, and lowering the phone.

“Well...what do we do now...?” Baro asked, looking at me, the others doing likewise. I stared from one of them to the other.

Don’t you realise that it’s because of me that Shinwoo is dying? Why are you still asking me for instructions?

“We wait for the results,” I said numbly, sliding my phone back into my pocket, turning around to enter the kitchen in an attempt to get away from them. I desperately needed some time to just think everything over.

Their murmurs faded into the background as I stepped into the semi-darkness of the room. I wondered, momentarily, what they were talking about. Were they commenting on my incompetency? Were they blaming me for what had happened?

Had they lost hope in me?

But it was all true, I thought hopelessly. I am incompetent, and I am to blame for everything. It’s all my fault. Everything’s my fault.

Seizing the kitchen table, I leaned over, my eyes squeezed shut. Deep, shaky breaths were all that I could take. Emotion welled up inside me, spilling out through my eyes.

Clapping a hand over my mouth, I only allowed a muffled sob to escape. I couldn’t let the others hear me like this.

I didn’t take his sickness seriously. I didn’t stand up to the producer to let him go to the hospital. I didn’t even follow him to the doctor.

Every breath I took condemned me further. The guilt was tightening around me like a vice, suffocating me. I sank to the ground, still holding back the pain, the anger, the loss I felt inside. My mind was a war zone. I felt so conflicted, so crushed.

As my vision swam in tears, a treasured memory slowly surfaced within the raging battle in my head, one that took place in the very same kitchen I was falling apart in now.

“Jin Young, if you continue like this, our associates will have the impression that B1A4 is tardy and inefficient, especially with the reputation that we’re trying to keep now. Block B could get away with it fine, since they’re always making a fool of themselves anyway, but you have to keep the obedient and “good” concept. Do you understand how important this is?”

Manager’s voice rung loud and piercing in my ears as I stepped into the kitchen. It had been almost three hours since we’d had that conversation, yet the stark memory of it was still freshly branded onto my mind.

I was angry. Furious and frustrated with myself. I wished I could just understand what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just be perfect for once? Wasn’t that what I wanted when I stepped up as leader?

I gave the kitchen cupboard door a vicious kick, before gripping the sink tightly, glaring at my reflection in one of the polished steel pans hanging above the tap. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I be a better leader?

The metal of the sink was frigid against my skin. Droplets of water were clinging to the smooth steel drain board drilled into the wall. Everything was just so cold...

“I thought I’d find you here.”

I whirled around incredulously and found myself staring straight into the dark eyes of our eldest hyung.

“I...I’m...” I spluttered, trying to come up with an excuse on the spot, and failing miserably.

“Jin Young, listen,” Shin Woo said firmly, cutting straight through my half-hearted words. “What happened back there wasn’t your fault.”

I looked helplessly at him, before turning away.

“How can you say that like you know it’s true?” I asked weakly. “Manager-...”

“Forget Manager-hyung for a second,” Shin Woo said, walking up to me. “Listen to me. It. Wasn’t. Your. Fault. Okay? It’s everyone’s fault if we don’t show up on time, if we say the wrong thing, if we screw up on our performances.”

He gripped my shoulders and spun me around so that I faced him.

“Being the leader doesn’t mean everything we do is your fault,” Shin Woo told me sternly. “People seem like they’re blaming you because they mean for you to pass their words on to us. And even then, don’t beat yourself up over what they say. There will always be people in this world who don’t have anything else to do but criticise. Some of it will help us, but a lot of it is just pointless.”

Here, his eyes softened, and he continued in a gentler voice.

“Chanshik, Jung Hwan, Sun Woo and I all think you’re an amazing leader, and isn’t that all that should matter? You’re putting your all into the things you do for us, and the rest of us admire and respect you for it.”

I felt hot tears pool in my eyes rapidly, as I bit back a sob. “I’m...I’m so sorry I can’t be enough.”

He prodded my forehead gently, chuckling. “Pabo, weren’t you listening when I said all that? You already are the best leader to us.”

A hesitant, watery smile slowly split my face, and my tears flowed freely down my face.

“You’re more than invaluable to us, and don’t you forget it,” Shin Woo continued, ruffling my hair, before turning to leave the kitchen. He grinned, raising a fist. “Hwaiting!”

I mimicked the action, smiling weakly.

All too soon, the memory evaporated, leaving me colder and more alone than ever. Slowly, I slumped to the floor, bringing my knees up to my chest, staring into the faded, yellowing tiles of the kitchen walls.

He wasn’t around to tell me that now.

A hollow sob escaped my throat, bouncing off the cold, ceramic floor, as the realisation set in.

He might never be around to tell me that again.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author's Note:

I am back and with tenfold annoyance :) HELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLOHELLO

immaturity at its best ^^ Are you looking at this note and wondering how the hell this author ever wrote the depressing chapter above? Well, if you are, you're not alone, because I'm wondering the exact same thing ^^

This week was not a happy one for me :( I hope you guys had a better week. And Happy Chinese New Year to those who are celebrating it! Qu bai nian and get big big hong bao from wai po wai gong and overstuff yourselves on pineapple tarts and love letters! My friend brought an entire tin to school today and THEY TASTED GOOD. But I could only have two :( sobs. Oh and behold my awesome hanyu pinyin :D Muahahaha

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Sincerely
WhiteWings19