The lingering fear of relapsing after putting himself together was like an ever present presence behind his back. He would wake up in the middle of the night, his cats at his feet, his hands cold as ice and his lips quivering, he was fine, he knew he was fine but the feeling like he could fall right back into that endless ocean of flames TaeHyun called love had JinWoo curling into a ball to keep his anxiety at bay.

He had a nervous breakdown a few hours after their morning practice months ago; his body said he could take it, his mind said no. He had been taken back to the dorm just as the trembling finished, his breathing controlled by SeungYoon. He remembered a glimpse of TaeHyun's worried gaze, or maybe it was his clouded mind playing tricks again, once he was laid in his bed. A lot of panic and anxiety attacks followed, there were nights where he would beg in silence for his shaking extremities to stop, his stomach destroyed by the level of stress it withstood. It was too much, it hurt, his mind was as broken as his body.

JinWoo never thought he'd overcome all of it, that he would feel like himself again, without needing TaeHyun there to get him through. That's why he kept his distance, he was polite only to avoid further encounters, and although TaeHyun wanted to get him back, he pushed him away at every chance. He was a person, he had feelings which TaeHyun forgot to keep in mind, he was not a toy that the maknae could use as he pleased. TaeHyun used excuses, lame ones, to protect his selfish ways and JinWoo used to be believe them, thinking it was okay if TaeHyun's words of love were true.

JinWoo thought it was okay but it really wasn't. It was not okay to take the blame for stuff he didn't do, it was not okay to be taken for granted, it was not okay to accept apologies because TaeHyun made JinWoo cry, it was not okay, he was not okay after the way TaeHyun treated him and it didn't stop him. He was better than that, he didn't need anyone to help him get through anymore. JinWoo could take it, with no need to get back at him even when the younger did the same amount of wrong to him.

Perhaps that was why TaeHyun tried so hard to get him back after he noticed he had no one that would do the things JinWoo would do. JinWoo would've sacrificed his life, damn, he would've gladly do it twice for TaeHyun. He would have if TaeHyun had just looked at him, if TaeHyun only had made him feel loved. It was wishful thinking, hoping for someone like TaeHyun to care, to hold responsability, to try for something out of respect for someone else.

TaeHyun being nice was something JinWoo was afraid of because he knew he could fall for the act so he said nothing at TaeHyun's first attempts of redeeming himself; helping him with a box of cereal, asking him if he was okay, reintegrating himself again in the group, even praising him. TaeHyun still wanted things on his demand, like before, he wanted JinWoo back, JinWoo was supposed to get back with him. He was not doing what the other wanted anymore.

The ship went down one day when TaeHyun bargued into their practice room, SeungYoon and Mino pulled him back, hiding him from TaeHyun, until SeungHoon said that TaeHyun was harmless then. Harmless and TaeHyun would never go together for JinWoo, he heard TaeHyun, he pretended to be fine but asked to take things slow since he didn't want to start a fight right there. He was glad SeungHoon held them back for practice.

TaeHyun's eyes changed when JinWoo turned away as he leaned in to get a kiss once they were alone in the younger's room. It was a reflex, JinWoo was keeping himself safe, his heart ached, for his mind's sake, he knew he couldn't go back into TaeHyun's demands. He wasn't enough for the maknae, he finally came to terms with that, and he wasn't planning on trying again. There was something on his face, his hand went up but TaeHyun's fingers were faster, he wiped it away slowly.

"I'm sorry," JinWoo lowered his head, avoiding TaeHyun's eyes, "...I should've known."

JinWoo's lips twitched under the pressure of his teeth sinking into his inner cheek to keep him from sobbing out. He wanted to get away because he knew he would give into him if TaeHyun pushed more, "It's okay, I just...I need some time," he quickly ran out of the room, even when he heard TaeHyun calling his name.

JinWoo was not going back to that, he made the oath to himself of never having to beg for someone's eyes, for that person to look at him, to smile at him, to reach out for him, to try for him, to not leave him behind, to not use him, and much less to love him. He deserved hands that would always find his own, eyes that would only search for him, lips that would graze him without pleads, and words of love that would become true. TaeHyun was just afraid of being alone, he just wanted to be loved, without caring about what the other half felt. JinWoo knew from the start that this was just TaeHyun experimenting and playing, somehow along the way, the mat-hyung got lost among the sheets, confused sweet nothings for promises, and hopeful because of unconscious actions.

Everything was his mistake, he was responsable for breaking his own, he could make himself miserable, he didn't need TaeHyun's help on that. TaeHyun's fear of being forgotten, ignored, an outcast again were the reason behind his desire to get back together, or maybe it was love, perhaps the younger was telling the truth, still...JinWoo wouldn't be able to stand the pain.

If TaeHyun truly loved him now, he would wait and support him until he was healed, accepting the fact that JinWoo may not be able to forgive or love him again.

The morning after JinWoo woke up with bloodshot eyes, he slowly dragged his feet out of bed to head for the kitchen. SeungYoon stopped him midway, hands on his cheeks, before he hugged him and led thim to the livingroom, "What's going on?" he groggily asked.

"TaeHyun's leaving."

"What?"

"He is leaving...for a while."

JinWoo stood up, walked towards TaeHyun's bedroom, kicked the door open to shout as soon as he saw TaeHyun's face, "You ing liar, leave already and never come back," he didn't bother to close the door after him.

He was okay, he was fine, and he was broken even though he smiled at the rest of s when he passed by them to leave the dorm.