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Chwe Hansol messed up. God, he messed up big time, and there was no denying that.
Remember when they said that you'd only realize how much you actually love someone once you lose them? (or something along those lines) Well, Hansol just got a taste of that.
He couldn't believe how stupid he was. So stupid that he wasn't able to realize his own feelings for his best friend.
All along Hansol foolishly believed that what he felt for Seungkwan was nothing more than just familial love. And boy was he so wrong.
It's such a shame that it took him 4 failed relationships, 13 rejected love confessions (all to the same person that is not Seungkwan), a couple of flings, some very few one night stands (including one with Seungkwan), 6 broken noses (all which belongs to Seungkwan's suitors that he had punched), a couple of heated arguments, one dreaded confrontation, a very hurt and furious Boo Seungkwan, an awkward but badly needed heart-to-heart talk with his Joshua-hyung, and one pathetic Chwe Hansol who lost his best friend, just to realize that he was, indeed, irevocably and very much in love with Seungkwan.
The moment Hansol realized this, he got so overwhelmed to say the least. It left him weak and breathless.
It was like a dam of emotions, that he never knew existed in the first place, had got its floodgates opened inside of him. And Hansol almost drowned in it.
He loves Boo Seungkwan...
Damn it! All along he was in love with his best friend.
Now, everything makes perfect sense. It was like a missing puzzle piece has been finally found to finish a picture that has been incomplete for a very long time.
The only problem was, before Hansol even came to terms with his feelings, he had already hurt his best friend. He had hurt him so badly that Seungkwan doesn't want anything to do with him anymore.
Whenever Hansol remembers the immense pain that was reflected in Seungkwan's eyes and the latter's tear-streaked face while telling him to get lost, he couldn't help but berate himself every time. How dare he hurt the person who had cherished him the most?
It's been almost a week, 5 days to be exact, since Hansol had last seen and talked to Seungkwan. The boy had been avoiding him, and he's doing a very good job at it.
This has been the longest period in their history that they haven't talked or seen each other, and the emptiness that Hansol feels is just too much for him to handle. He might just start losing his mind altogether.
Seungkwan hasn't gone back to their shared dorm room after their ugly confrontation.
Hansol had tried to call him and sent him gazillion messages on his phone and SNS only to find out through his Jeonghan-hyung that Seungkwan's phone had been turned off ever since his first attempt on calling him after the fight.
Hansol had also tried to see him by going to his Jeonghan-hyung and Joshua-hyung's shared dorm room where Seungkwan is currently staying at, but to no avail. Seungkwan refused to see him.
He actually tried to just have a monologue outside of the dorm room knowing that Seungkwan would be able to hear him anyways, but the look that he got from his hyungs was more than enough to shut him up instantly.
Give him time, they said.
School was also not an option as Seungkwan, apparently, had been skipping all his classes for 3 consecutive days now. This just guilts Hansol to no end knowing how his best friend hates missing any of his classes.
Told you he had messed up big time.
But despite all these, Hansol just refuse to give up. He cannot give up knowing fully well that the blame was all on him.
Maybe it was his desperation that led him to let all his feelings out on a piece of paper. He wrote a letter to Seungkwan.
He remembered during their early years how the two of them used to write letters to each other during birthdays or any special occasions.
Hansol didn't wrote them because he wanted to, but because Seungkwan loves them immensely. His best friend had always believed that expressing one's feelings through writing is much more romantic and sentimental. That's Boo Seungkwan for you.
He might've also burnt a couple of letters coming from Seungkwan's admirers that he had found neatly kept on the latter's drawer. A shiver never fails to run down his spine whenever he remembers how Seungkwan threw a fit when he found out.
In the end, Hansol replaced each letter that he burnt by writing one of his own just to appease his fuming best friend.
Thinking back, now he can fully understand what drove him to set fire on those hand-written trashes professing their adoration for Seungkwan. He was jealous.
Hansol can also still remember the time when he and Seungkwan stopped writing letters to each other.
It was during Christmas on their sophomore year in high school. Seungkwan threw another fit when he found out that the younger didn't wrote one for him. But when Hansol told him that they were already old enough for those kind of chessy stuff and that they should stop doing it, Seungkwan had walked out but not without giving Hansol a very hurt look.
Needless to say, it was the most horrible Christmas that Hansol had spent in his entire life. No exaggeration.
He had been an *ss to Seungkwan on multiple occasions. And Hansol wants nothing more than to make it all up to him.
During lunch time, Hansol had begged his Jeonghan-hyung to help him give his letter to Seungkwan. The older was against it at first but in the end his hyung eventually gave in.
Perhaps it was Hansol's miserable and pathetic state that changed the older's mind. Or maybe, his hyung was just too tired to argue with him, he knew that his hyung got too much on his plate as well at the moment because of his predicament with Seungcheol-hyung.
Whatever it was, he was just so thankful that his hyung agreed to help him give his letter to Seungkwan.
Hansol fully knew that if there's anyone in their group that would be able to convince Seungkwan to read his letter instead of tearing it to pieces the moment he got it, it was only their Jeonghan-hyung.
Now, he can only hope for the best.
*****
Seungkwan had been staring at the neatly folded paper in his hand for quite some time now.
Truth be told, he wanted nothing but to crample the paper and throw it in the trash the moment his Jeonghan-hyung handed him the letter saying that it was from Hansol.
He was about to do just that, but the older had been fast enough to stop him.
Seungkwan gave his hyung a confused and betrayed look. He thought that he was on his side and was all out supporting him on his decision to stay away from Hansol.
He was just about to voice his thoughts but his hyung's next words rendered him speechless.
"I saw him, Seungkwan. And I can tell that he's not doing any better than you. If my judgement is right and if the things that are written in there are what I think it is... then I believe that with all the bullsh*ts that you've let yourself go through because of your feelings for Hansol, you owe it to your self to actually know what he's been meaning to tell you."
Seungkwan wasn't able to say anything. And perhaps it was his silence that urge his hyung to continue.
"I know i'm currently in no position to give you any advice about relationships and crap, seeing as i'm in no better sh*t..." Seungkwan swore that the older looked like he was on the verge of breaking down. "But I want you to be happy Seungkwan. I want you to be happy." his Jeonghan-hyung choked out before leaving him on his own device.
Seungkwan bit his lip then heaved an exhausted sigh, deciding to just get it done and over with. With his Jeonghan-hyung's words in mind, he hesitantly unfolded the paper and started to read...
_____
Boo,
I have been asked so many times before, what you are to me. And everytime someone asks me, without giving it much of a thought, I have always given them the same answer: "Seungkwan is my best friend".
Well, technically it was not incorrect as you were, indeed, my best friend. And I could only pray that even with all these, you still are.
In your absence, I had've done some thinking. There were things that I have pondered for the first time. Things that I have come to realize. And when I asked my self that same question, I've got a different answer than the one that I have been giving everyone else before.
You're my home...
You're the roof that shades me from the harsh heat and the drenching cold bites of reality...
You're the pillar that never fails to support me...
You're the walls that're strong enough to shield me from anyone who means to harm me...
You're the floor that helps to keep me grounded...
You're the window that is always giving me a glimpse of what life has to offer...
And above all, you're the door that provides me the freedom that I need whenever it's time for me to go whilst still giving me the assurance that I can always come back to the warmth and comfort of my home...
Perhaps, I got so drunk with that assurance that without me fully realizing it, I had become nothing but an ungrateful tenant who's been taking his home for granted.
Perhaps, I got so full of my self that before I realize it, I had already lost all the rights that I have to call you my home.
I couldn't blame you though. I couldn't blame you for finally putting the lock on the door. It was all the crap and sh*t that I had done that left you with no other choice but to kick me out of your life.
I have put you through a lot, and I know that I have deeply hurt you. I can only be sorry for causing you so much pain. And I want you to know that I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry for being so stupid. I'm so sorry for being such an *ss. I'm so sorry for being a self-centered bastard. And most of all, I'm so sorry that it took me a long while to realize that I actually love you.
I love you Boo!
It has taken me this long to finally realize that I have been in love with you all along.
You've always told me before that Home is where the heart is, and I think that I've just found a new meaning to that. You're my home, and my heart will always be with you.
I know that it's too much for me to ask for your forgiveness and for another chance, and I'll fully understand if you won't be able to give any of those to me. But please know that I will never give up and I will keep on working hard to show you a better version of my self.
And perhaps, one day, the time will come where I would also be deemed worthy to be called your home.
I miss you Boo... so much.
- Hansol
_____
"Idiot..."
*****
Hansol had been lifelessly lying on his bed while looking at their room's ceiling when his phone vibrated, signalling him to a new message that he just received.
He mindlessly grabbed his phone from the bedside table to check the message. He was half expecting it to come from either his Junhui-hyung or Seungcheol-hyung telling him to get his *ss off his bed and join them on their drinking spree down at the club that their group frequents.
Misery loves company they say. And at the moment, all three of them was very much miserable. Love problems s*cks!
However, Hansol immediately dropped his phone on his face when he actually saw the name of the sender.
It was from Seungkwan!
Holy sh*t! He high-key panicked. With a trembling hand, he picked up his phone again to read the message.
He can only hope for the best...
_____
From: Boo
Idiot!
Know that no matter how many times you find the door of the house locked, you are its owner, and you will always have the key.
Come home...
__________________________________________
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