When You’re In Love With Your Best Friend.

“I love you. I’m in love with you.” The wind blows her long, black hair in her face but Taeyeon pays no mind to it. She stares before her and takes another deep breath – probably the hundredth and thirty-eighth she has taken in a span of thirty minutes. “Yeah, okay,” she mutters, taking another, her hundredth and thirty-ninth deep breath, and can’t stop chuckling at herself because she knows this is stupid. “Um. You know what’s funny about love? The fact that I love you…”

“Hey!” Sooyeon runs out of her office building, looking fab like always in the simplest pieces. That afternoon, she is wearing a simple pair of denim jeans and white polo shirt. Her light brown hair is curled in the most beautiful way but her smile is still the best part.

“Hey,” Taeyeon snaps out of her thoughts and immediately looks at a proper person to talk to instead of thin air, or her imaginary friend she is practicing her confession with. “Hi!” she says, excitedly receiving the hug that has been stretched out for her ever since her best friend steps out of the building.

Sooyeon hugs her tightly. “You ready?”

“Yeah!” Taeyeon answers, hoping she doesn’t sound so excited – although she is.

“Awesome! Let’s go,” Sooyeon puts her hand around her to pull her close.

“So hungry!” Taeyeon whines, leaning closer to her best friend at the same time Sooyeon asks, “Hungry?” And then, they both laugh.

How do you tell your best friend of eight years that you’re in love with her? I mean, it’s probably a bad idea, right? It feels like a bad idea. Like to kill.

Taeyeon watches her near golden hair run after her as she walks slightly ahead, talking about how her day has been and how infinitely better it would have been if they ended up taking the same university degree and ended up in the same company. Like she always does, she just listens at her because she knows both of them know that would never have been possible back then.

She’s in love with music while Sooyeon’s passion has always been with fashion.

She’d give anything to be a singer before. She is now.

Sooyeon would do anything to be a renowned fashion designer with a fashion company of her own before. She is and has now.

But Taeyeon thinks they will still agree, both of them, how minus those variables, life would be a lot better if they have each other on their back constantly.

Unless she feels the same way about me? What if she fell for me the first day we met and was too scared to express her feelings?

That probably isn’t true because the first day they met, they didn’t talk at all. And as much as Taeyeon wants to believe that there’s hope Sooyeon may be in love with her as well, she doesn’t really believe in love at first sight. Literally first sight because the first day they met, they barely looked at each other and kept distance because both of them are from different middle schools.

The first time they talked, it was when Sooyeon tripped and Taeyeon helped her.

She’d always smile when she remembers how they first talked because Sooyeon always has the tendency to be clumsy.

“You’re hurt,” she said back then, when she saw Sooyeon on the ground and not doing a good job at picking herself up so she grabbed one of her arms and helped her up. Then, she noticed some blood dripping from her knee.

“I’m okay,” Sooyeon softly answered.

“You’re bleeding.”

Taeyeon wondered if she hadn’t insisted on helping Sooyeon to the nurse’s office, would they still be friends? She asked Sooyeon that more than once and Sooyeon positively answered yes every time because she believes she and Taeyeon are meant to be best friends. No matter what.

And dating Donghae was her way of trying to hide it?

When she first found out Sooyeon and Donghae are steadily dating, Sooyeon had told her. And she smiled.

Of course, she smiled.

What kind of friend wouldn’t, right?

It’s not like Sooyeon never talked about how cute Donghae’s eyes are when he smiles. Or how handsome and pretty and hot he is whenever he does something. Or how kind and charming and respectful and polite and the perfect guy for her parents to meet type of guy Donghae is.

Taeyeon cringes upon the thought of Donghae because every time she thinks of him, she thinks of him with Sooyeon and she thinks of him with his lips on hers. And…

“Hey!” Sooyeon is running back to her with a confused smile. “Are you coming?”

She reaches her hand to Taeyeon’s without warning because of course, she doesn’t know her best friend is in love with her and every smile she does to her is sending shivers to Taeyeon and the simplest touch is enough to make her knees weaken.

I mean, I’m not totally unfortunate. Like a 6 out of 10 on a good day.

“You know what? I’m going to go to the restroom first.”

Taeyeon smiles as she nods at her.

We could start dating and be one of those annoying couples who always have to sit on that same side of the booth, constantly holding hands.

She stares at the empty booth after theirs and sees herself on one side of the booth with Sooyeon, how their faces are almost on each other and how badly she wants that.

We could move in together and be the stereotypical lesbian couple with three cats and two dogs. We could get married and start a family in the suburbs with white pickup truck and all.

She thinks Sooyeon will love a white pickup truck. Sooyeon loves everything that is white actually. Maybe they can get three white cats and two white dogs.

We could grow old together and even on her worst days, I would never stop loving her.

She imagines waking up everyday beside Sooyeon until they grow old together, nearly forgetting all the persons they’ve known in their lives’ names but never each other. Taeyeon will be slow then and Sooyeon will be more tired than usual.

But waking beside each other will always be one of the best parts of the day.

The other being sleeping beside each other with their hands on top of the other, smiling through the stress of the day because they know that at the end of day, they still have each other and for them, that’s all that matters.

Or she could not feel that way about me.

Taeyeon stops.

At all.

Because they’ve been friends for over eight years, right? And in those eight years, Sooyeon has dated Donghae for two years now. How can she be in love with her if she is in love with Donghae?

She’s probably never once thought of me in a romantic way.

Because why should she?

And why should she?

Right?

We’re friends. Just friends.

Sooyeon steps out of the fitting room in a purple dress with details Taeyeon doesn’t know how to explain. All she knows is how perfect it fits her and how beautiful it brings the brown in her hair. She thinks of how the beauty of autumn pales compare to Sooyeon.

“So?” her best friend looks at her hopefully.

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon gives her a thumbs-up.

“What about you?”

Taeyeon doesn’t really want to go to this stag party or birthday party or whatever party they are going. But she is looking expectantly at her. Suddenly, Sooyeon is pulling some gold top on one of the corners of the boutique.

“This’ll look perfect on you!” she excitedly says.

She wants to say: Not as much as I to you.

And I’m the who has to screw all those up by catching feelings.

She figures she can confess. Of course, she can, right?

Worst case scenario, she jumps out of the window to avoid talking to me.

Taeyeon will probably jump after her.

Or she takes a cyanide pill as soon as I say the word “love”. Like a spy in a James Bond movie.

She’ll probably take a cyanide pill after, too.

Or she never talks to me again.

The world freezes. Or Taeyeon’s anyway.

Her eyes widen and for a second, she can’t feel herself. She can’t feel sitting on the bar, looking at the people coming in and out to this bachelorette party (there’s a sign as soon as they enter the bar) and seeing the bartender mix drinks with bizarre colors.

. What if she never talks to me again?

She can’t…

Do I really want to risk our friendship over these stupid feelings?

No.

I don’t think I can live in the world where we didn’t talk everyday.

Because Taeyeon loves her. She’s in love with her. She wants to listen to her all time. She wants to hear her talk. She wants to hear her laughs. She wants to be the one to hear her cries. And she will even listen to her hums or snores as well. She’ll do that everyday if it means keeping her beside her forever.

Where I couldn’t see her smile every time I want.

Even if she never learns of her feelings for her.

Sure, if I wanted to just see her smile, I could Facebook stalk her but real life is so much better.

Of how much she’d probably die if she goes away.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell her. I’ll just keep all these feelings bottled up inside me. You know, keeping it at me until I eventually melt down on her wedding, get too drunk and declare my love at the reception during the chicken dance.

Everyone is saying their congratulations and best wishes to Donghae and Sooyeon but Taeyeon is nowhere to be seen. Sooyeon is sure her best friend was there during the ceremony because she was the maid of honor but she can’t see Taeyeon anywhere.

“Have you seen Taeyeon?” she asks one of their friends.

“She left.”

“What?!”

Because she can’t say it even if they explode inside her if it means upsetting Sooyeon. She can’t even if she dies keeping a bomb inside her; she can’t if it means making Sooyeon sad on a day she should be the happiest because she is marrying the love of her which – even if that person is not Taeyeon.

I should be talking to girls who are available.

“Hi. Can I buy you a drink?”

Taeyeon almost doesn’t notice a red-haired girl sitting beside her on the bar, looking provocative with soft pink eyeshadow and red lipstick. Not to mention her too tight dress unlike the one Sooyeon is wearing which is neither too lame nor too y.

“Excuse me?”

“Can I buy you a drink?” the girl asks again with a wink.

Taeyeon knows she should say yes. But she still says, “No. Thanks.”

Not girls with boyfriends.

Her eyes automatically searches for Sooyeon as she finishes her drink to stand up. And she sees her with Donghae.

Of course.

What if I just want what I can’t have?

They are dancing.

What if I’m that person?

Now they are kissing.

No, I’m not. And I deserve a chance to be happy.

She is aware of how pathetic she is closely watching her best friend make out with her boy friend.

Think of all the times I have watched her kiss him? And how every time it feels like she’s ripping out my heart with her both hands. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every time when I know that she’s with him. I can’t keep pretending to be happy for her when he does something nice. Listening to her talk about having a date with him and smiling through the pain. Hugging her when he s up. And watching her cry over him and wanting to kill her for hurting her.

Donghae left earlier.

Sooyeon is already too drunk. It’s past two in the morning already.

But also wanting to be the one that she feels this deeply about.

Taeyeon walks behind her, like she always does to make sure she doesn’t fall without someone catching her. She looks at her dance through her singing of some sweet melancholic songs on the empty streets under the moonlight.

And she wonders how she can find something like this in the world.

I’m tired of feeling hopeless and numb.

She decides she can’t.

I can’t do this anymore.

“I’m in love with you,” Taeyeon finally says. Not to the wind, not to a tree, not to her pillow, not to the sea, not to one of her stuffed animals on her bedroom, not to the book she is reading, not to the computer screen, not to her phone every time she sees Sooyeon’s picture.

She finally says it.

Drunk, Sooyeon turns around and laughs at her.

End

a/n:

Hey, guys.

I just want to say that this is the first time I’ve ever written a fic in such a messed up sequencing of events ;-; past, present, future~ oh well, I’ll be so proud of guys if you read this alright~

I’m not sure about this fic (and the pairing because this is like my first SoShi fic ever since Jessica left ;-;) but anyway, I got inspiration from BuzzFeedYellow’s video on Youtube called “When You’re In Love With Your Best Friend” (and I entitled this the same because I am lazy and sleepy, sorry) and I got the lines there (the italicized ones) and just check it out, guys. It has some legit feels ;-; lmao.

Do tell me what you think about this. Take care always. – EK