It happened so fast.

Hockey practice was always rough but that came with the job description when you signed up to play contact sports. Hwanhee had no malicious intent when he'd checked Minsoo into the boards, too busy with the single-minded goal of passing the puck to Changhyun to complete the play. It was only when the elder boy fell, his helmet meeting the ice with a sickening crack that everything seemed to spin out of control. It was as if time stopped for several moments, the silence amplified in the large dome. 

Nobody moved, tense as they waited for Minsoo to pull himself up and quell their fears but when several seconds passed and he remained still, Wooseok was the first of many to fall beside him, pushing his helmet from his head to reveal closed eyes and pallid skin, unresponsive and far too still. An ear pressed to his chest confirmed what they already knew but it didn't make the truth any harder to swallow and from where he hung back behind the others, Hwanhee watched unblinking, unwilling to accept a reality in which, at eighteen years of age, he'd just killed his best friend. Wooseok's eyes flickered to Hwanhee's prone form for just a second but that was all the younger boy needed to see the anger and resentment burning in them. The clear betrayal of his others closest friend made the blow of the situation all the harder.

His hands, balled into fists around the offending hockey stick, we're shaking so badly that he would have questioned how his grip didn't falter if he'd been in the correct state of mind to do so but the trivial thought didn't even cross Hwanhee's mind as his vision blurred out of focus and his breathing sped up. It suddenly felt as though there was no-one else in the room and yet he was trapped in a crowd of people at the same time and the acute claustrophobia of the situation ignited an unfamiliar sensation of panic within him.

Unable to deal with the crushing weight of the situation that bore down on him with such intensity, Hwanhee followed the only coherent thought that crossed his mind.

Run. 

And he did, dropping the hocky stick and fleeing the rink without so much as a glance over his shoulder, only briefly registering the sound of Jinwook talking to someone on the phone in a clear authorative voice before he was out of earshot. 

In the locker room, he pulled into himself on the bench and listened to the amplified sound of his own heart beating, too fast to be normal but paced with the rapid puffs of hair as he tried his hardest to stay conscious but lacked an anchor to hold him there.

"You bastard!" A voice growled from the entrance to the room but Hwanhee's vision was still too blurry to make out who it was, the shapes and colours all blurring together to form one, indiscernible blob of confusion. He didn't even look up, certain through the haze of panic that whoever had spoken wouldn't stop at cutting words and playground insults and he was proven correct when Wooseok wasted no time in launching himself forward and seizing Hwanhee's collar tight another to significantly limit his air flow. 

That would have made a difference if Hwanhee wasn't already struggling to pull in enough air to stay conscious but the deafening roar in his ears did nothing to block out the words being thrown at him like blades, each sharper than the last and aimed with better precision.

"You filthy murderer! You killed him! Minsoo did nothing to you and yet you killed him in cold blood!"

And worst of all, 

"It should have been you! You should be the one lying cold on the ice right now."

The worst because the words echoed almost every thought that had run through his head since the event and there was no use in denying them because the clearest thought Hwanhee had since almost breaking down was, 'It should have been me.' 

In front of him, Wooseok was also breathing heavily, tears marring his cheeks even as he tightened his grip on Hwanhee's collar and swung his fist at the younger boys face.

'At the very least, I deserve this.'

The truth in the thought hurt more than the laceration on his face and even as Sooil pulled Wooseok away and restrained him, Hwanhee wondered how everything had managed to spin so windy out of control in so little time.

That night, he stayed in the locker room, curled into a ball in the corner even after the others left. It was easy to ignore Dongyeol's intense glare and the way Jinwook and Sooil tried to speak to him because the thoughts rushing through his head blocked everything else out in an intense and dizzying flurry of sound. It wasn't long before they him alone, some from lack of caring and some in acquiesce of his silent wishes.

Wooseok's words played over and over in his head, a scornful mantra that kept him rooted to the spot until long after the sun had gone down but it was the sickening memory of what had taken place on the rink just hours earlier that eventually chased him out, like demons that would haunt him forever.

When he returned home that night, brushing off his mother's worried hovering and his father's stern questions, Hwanhee locked himself in his room and cried.

It wouldn't be the last time.

•

The person with more cause to be devastated than himself or even Wooseok, was Somi in Hwanhee's opinion. She'd been quiet and reserved ever since Jinwook had broken the news about Minsoo and through his own veil of misery, it easy to see that the younger girl wasn't coping as well as she would have liked them to believe.

That's how he ended up sitting in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon with nothing better to do than to watch over her and make sure she was okay. In Hwanhee's mind, watching over Somi was the only way he could partially say he was sorry for the things that had happened to Minsoo, it had after all, been his fault. A fact that Wooseok's never once let him forget.

The younger girl had been sitting a few tables away, playing a game of jenga against an invisible partner. She looked relaxed and free of troubles, something Hwanhee found himself immensely grateful for and he was content to watch from a distance to make sure nobody disturbed her. It was only when the tower toppled and her face fell into a resigned pout that Hwanhee felt any inclination to move towards her but he was beaten to it by Wooseok, who promptly appeared from round the corner with a soft smile on his face that was only for Somi. 

A glance in his direction told Hwanhee that he wasn't needed nor wanted there anymore so he waited for Wooseok to pull Somi from the room with a little more force than was probably necessary before grabbing his helmet and exiting a safe distance behind him. 

Whether he liked it or not, Hwanhee knew that Somi was safe with Wooseok's because he'd seen the way the older boy looked at her so he left, his job for the day done but his heart no lighter for it. 

•

Wooseok was angry, not about any one thing in particular but rather it was an overwhelming mix of emotion brought on by everything that had occurred in such a short space of time. Once he would have referred to Minsoo as his best friend and at any other given time he would have called Hwanhee by the same title but it was easy to push such thoughts to the back of his mind when faced with the bubbling anger that resurfaced whenever he was forced to look at the usually loud and energetic teenager. From the moment the truth about Minsoo had dawned on him, knees down on the ice but too numb to care, Wooseok knew that he needed someone to blame and Hwanhee made it only too easy by hanging back, by looking abundantly guilty and by running away before he was given the chance to explain. 

At that time, bursting into the locker room, Wooseok had allowed himself to act on impulse and think about the consequences later because if he didn't release some on the pent up tension then he was liable to do something that he'd regret in the future.

Not that he didn't regret punching Hwanhee in the face. Au contraire, he'd begun to regret his decision when he realised that the younger was wasn't even trying to fight back but rather allowing himself to be manhandled and screamed at while he shook and stared into the distance with a vacant look in his eyes. Maybe that was what had convinced Wooseok to let go because as much as he was angry, he could recognise a panic attack when he saw one and behind all the anger, regret managed to slither in and tell him that no-one was probably blaming Hwanhee for the events that had just taken place more than Hwanhee himself. 

Wooseok thought, that maybe if he gave himself some time then he'd be able to look passed the anger and betrayal and see how much Hwanhee was hurting but it didn't work that way. The day the teenager hadn't shown up for practice, they'd all brushed it off as him needing to grieve but with every passing absence Wooseok found himself beginning to resent Hwanhee two-fold before he decided he was glad that the younger was refusing to show his face.

The first time he saw Hwanhee again after the accident was almost three weeks later and the sight brought with it a startling conclusion that made Wooseok want to punch Hwanhee once again. He'd been visiting Somi, something he made sure to do regularly as the younger girl had been hit the hardest by Minsoo's death, when he'd spitted the teenager out of the corner of his eye. Unnoticed, he watched Hwanhee as he observed Somi with a soft smile on his face and that was when all the pieces finally slid into place to reveal an unsettling picture. 

Wooseok was mad at himself for not spotting it sooner, all the clues were there and he wondered how he could have been so blind as to not notice that Hwanhee liked Somi when he was so blatantly obvious about it. 

At the first given chance, Wooseok had dragged Somi from the building without so much as an explanation for their abrupt departure and the Hwanhee's downcast expression was enough to encourage that he'd done thebright thing. 

Wooseok couldn't do anything about Minsoo's death but he could honour their friendship by keeping the person who murdered him away from the girl who'd been the most important to him in life. 

For Wooseok, it became his way of saying sorry for not being able to do enough. 

•

Things went from bad to worse.

Hwanhee began to habitually miss practices to the point that his absence was no longer questioned among the other players and he was relieved when he stopped receiving worried texts from Jinwook, Sooil and Changhyun. It wasn't that the younger boy didn't appreciate their concern but every concerned message highlighted the absence of concern from the rest of the team. 

It was no secret that Dongyeol and Gyujin would rally with Wooseok, they were close friends after all and even though Dongyeol and himself had been close at one point, the youngest of their group had always looked up to Wooseok with a sort of hero worship. It hurt more when Yein and Sungjun turned their backs on him without so much as trying to hear his side of the story (not that hwanhee would have told them anyway, preferring to let them assume instead of trying to make himself into the victim.) 

The best course of action in his eyes, was to cut himself out completely and allow his friends to continue on without having to see the person who'd made them nine instead of ten. It was difficult to avoid them after having spent so much of the passed years in their company, it was a trivial job to work his own schedule around theirs so that they never had to cross paths.

It was harder to avoid Wooseok. 

As much as Hwanhee wanted to separate himself from the team, he couldn't bring himself to stop watching over Somi because doing so felt like letting go of the one string of redemption that he'd managed to futilly hold onto, like letting go of the last thing that connected him to Kogyeol and cutting that thread would be like losing the only sense of purpose that had kept him bound to sanity during the hardest point in his life. 

It became easier to watch her from a distance but even then he could tell that the younger girl was worried and confused about his sudden distance and it tore at his heart to be hurting the one person that he'd sworn to protect. Even without direct contact, Wooseok was always aware of his presence and he wasn't subtle about his animosity towards the younger which often led to Hwanhee stepped no further into the shadows and trying to remain hidden from prying eyes.

Wooseok never confronted him about his presence but only for the lack of contact. Hwanhee was sure that should he get close enough to Somi then the older boy wouldn't hesitate to resort to physical violence as a deterrent and it was that sobering thought that forced him to maintain the distance despite wanting desperately to reach out whenever the young girl cried over a memory that still haunted them all. 

It was only the constant reminder of what he'd done, communicated through Wooseok's hateful gaze that stopped him from running away completely. How easy it would have been to run as far as his legs would take him, to escape the demons that jeered at him unseen from the shadows because although the thought often escaped him, Hwanhee was still an eighteen year old boy who was dealing with immense amounts of stress and struggling under the weight of self-doubt and loathing that would be the end of a weaker person. 

So under a veil of crushing guilt, Hwanhee watched and waited for the time when he could hand over the final memento and as such, give away his last reason to stay. Reassuringly, the younger boy knew that Wooseok would take care of Somi with everything he had once Hwanhee was no longer around to take on the job. He knew this for sure because Wooseok had once afforded him the same protection, reaching out a hand when things became too much and offering a non-judgemental shelter when everything refused to fall into place no matter how hard he tried.

It was, Hwanhee decided, trying to pull himself through without Wooseok there as an anchor and a comforting hand that finally broke him and running away was the one small reprieve that he could offer himself before he completely collapsed under the combined weight of guilt and stress that already kept him up all night on a good day. 

•

It took weeks but Wooseok began to feel the absence of his other closest friend. When he wasn't fuming over Hwanhee's continuous attempts to be close to Somi, the older boy found himself wondering about the dark circles around his eyes and the way he always seemed to sag under some invisible weight that he'd given up holding out against.

No matter how hard he tried to scare the younger boy off, he was always there, whether it be in the shadows or waiting around a corner as though he were hoping that Wooseok wouldn't show as much as the older wished he would back off. So when Hwanhee didn't show up one day, Wooseok realised that he felt something other than a convoluted sense of victory at having finally won the silent battle of wills. Maybe it was concern... The younger had looked tired and unsteady when Wooseok watched him slide onto his motorcycle and kick off a few days prior and without prompt, worst case scenarios flashed through his head at lightning speed. 

As many times as he'd told the younger that he wished a fate similar to Minsoo's upon him, Wooseok hadn't meant a word of it because he knew full well how devasted he'd be if the younger boy actually ended up hurt even of he was unable to convey such feelings when they were together.

Actually, it had been Hwanhee who'd first extended a hand to Wooseok when he'd joined the hockey team. The older boy had been quiet and reclusive but Hwanhee hadn't taken no for and answer and Wooseok was forever grateful that he'd eventually accepted the invitation and allowed the warm smile and infectious laugh to guide him into a friendship like none that he'd experienced before.

However, those thoughts always managed to escape him when Hwanhee was around, replaced by the immediate resentment that not only had the younger boy been instrumental in Minsoo's death but now appeared to be pursuing his dead friend's girlfriend without a second thought.

Strangely, Wooseok found himself more tense when Hwanhee wasn't around despite not having to watch Somi as closely as he usually would, something that he chalked up to worrying about where exactly the younger boy was hiding and when he would appear out of the shadows to make his next move.  

A small part of him hoped that Hwanhee would show up the next day though and Wooseok brushed it to the back of his thoughts before he could over analyse it because he wasn't sure he'd like what he found.

•

There was just one thing Hwanhee wanted to do before he felt justified in leaving. He'd had Minsoo's helmet and the puck they'd won their very first game with stashed away since the accident and he knew that those things didn't really belong with him, knew that he shouldn't be sullying such precious items with the touch of a murderer but he had to pass them on to someone specific and that person was becoming harder and harder to reach as the days passed. Those items rightfully belonged to Somi but Hwanhee didn't trust Wooseok not to interrupt any attempted exchange between the two so he held for as long as he could.

It was the day before the anniversary of the accident that Hwanhee made up his mind.

Wooseok would likely be even more on guard than usual but Changhyun had let it slip that he'd be meeting Somi at a specific time so that they could visit Minsoo's grave together and Hwanhee knew that intercepting the girl before their meeting was the only way he'd be able to pull of the plan without tipping off Wooseok too quickly.

It was easy, Somi looked taken aback when he'd pulled up beside her and asked her for a few moments of her time but Wooseok must have been unable to sway her opinion on him because she'd looked at him with the same bright smile as always and taken the offered helmet before climbing on behind him.

Their destination was inconspicuous, an abandoned lot that afforded Hwanhee the privacy to make the exchange before making a quick get away and although Somi had looked confused, her trust in him had been unerring as she's followed him without second thought. 

A small part of Hwanhee told him that he no more deserved her blind faith than he deserved to be free from the guilt of his own actions on that day a year ago but he ignored it in favour of fiddling with the puck in his pocket. It was harder to let go of it than it should of been but Hwanhee was safe in the knowledge that it would be in good hands and the became the driving force behind his decision.

"You look tired Hwanhee, have you been sleeping?" Somi asked, startling him from his thoughts. He'd forgotten that she was there momentarily and the question brought him back to reality once more. The younger girl looked genuinely worried, her eyebrows furrowed as she took in his appearance and decided that she didn't like what she saw. 

"I'm--" He trailed off hesitantly, unwilling to tell her that he felt as though he was falling