How can I say ‘I love you’ to you when you don’t even know me?

I read that phrase in my mind because I don’t want others to hear me. I am just reading this book in front of me and it is not me who had written that phrase. I just saw it there and I was intrigued so I read it.

“How sweet~ who could have written this? He’s a sweet person perhaps.”

“Hey Tiff! What are you reading there?”

I was surprised by the sudden voice from my right. I didn’t expect that my friend Jessica will be here. The book on my hands was closed immediately for the fear that my friend will see the phrase. And silly me for feeling that way.

“Nothing Jessi. What are you doing here anyway?”

“Ah… I will be doing a paper with my partner here for Social. She wants to do it here.”

“Wow! She made you go to a library! I should congratulate her and thanks her for that.”

I though I know that she’s already pissed with the idea of her being in a library. She kind of hates the atmosphere here even though she loves sleeping and hated noisy places. For the kind of her, library is the best place to sleep but she hates it. I really wonder why…

“Stop it Tiff… she told me she’s a student assistant here, that I already know, so it is convenient if we will work here coz she have an access to a lot of books here even those not available for the students. So I agreed. I want to finish that paper as soon as possible.”

“And why is that?”

“I don’t want to be working with that girl.”

“That’s mean…”

“I know. But she’s a freak, you know.”

“I don’t know that.”

“We are talking about Taeyeon here.”

“Taeyeon? The Kim Taeyeon?”

“Who else?”

“But she is not a freak… as far as I know.”

“Because you are more engross with these books of yours.”

I looked at the books lying in front of us. It’s a little over ten books so I understand what she meant on that.

“They are good books.” And mysterious, because of those phrases.

Almost all the books I borrowed here have the same thing. Those phrases I find so sweet like I have read a moment ago before Jessi came. I was always got curious for every word I read on those books. It’s like they were meant for me. So ambitious, right?

“Whatever Tiff… she’s coming. I need to transfer now. I want to end this misery.”

“Stop that Jessi. Give the person a chance.”

“She’s a freak, no matter what!”

“Behave Jessi. Just behave.”

“Fine. I won’t judge her anymore. So Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes…”

I just giggled to her tease while she’s taking a seat three tables away from mine. I am used to it because she’s right anyway. I hate to be a stereotypical and I never hide that to my friends. They understand me but tease me whenever they have the chance. So much for having goofy friends like them.

I looked at where Jessica was seated and I saw a petite girl approaching Jessica’s table. She looks so normal so I wonder why others call her freak. I know she’s weird because who can take a bus going to school and back home when your father have a lot of cars in your garage? Who will work as a student assistant when you can afford going to the most prestigious university in town? And who will choose to be alone if a lot of people wanted to be your friends?

That’s Kim Taeyeon for you.

They said that those are the reasons they call her freak. She’s quiet and indifferent and weird. Despite being a daughter of a billionaire, she’s one so ordinary. But I guess, it her privacy and she have her reasons. I have no right to question what she’s doing with her life and I also have no right to judge her. People should leave her alone; she’s even not doing anything bad.

After looking at my watch, I started to clean my table and bring the books I borrowed to the counter then I left the library for my next subject.

»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«»«

A week has passed and here I am, walking my way to the end aisle of the library where I find the best books here. But I was stop when I saw Kim Taeyeon putting back a thin blue book in a shelf on the lowest part of it. She’s kind of like hinding the book there.

That’s the best place to hide something.

Then she walks to the opposite side of the aisle, to my relief. I just felt that I shouldn’t be caught by her. And I don’t know why it’s that.

After making sure that she’s utterly out of sight, I took the chance to take the book. That was my first time to see that book though I always walks here to find what will interest me.

The blue book was quite new and looks like not an ordinary one. I flipped it and was shocked to find that it is not really a book but a diary. A diary owned by none other than Kim Taeyeon. I don’t want to intrude her privacy but this diary intrigue me so much. And me, hating nosy people doesn’t help with my curiosity to know something about the infamous Kim Taeyeon.

I started reading from the very first entry until the last one that was dated today. I felt kind of guilty, but more on shock. Shock because I never thought that she is that kind of person. That she is someone who has those kinds of experiences.

Why someone like her has those? Is it really possible? It’s like a drama on the TV.

“Why are you reading that?”

I dropped the blue book when I heard that voice. I don’t know who it is but I think I know whom it belongs to. With the timbre of the voice and its softness, it probably belongs to someone like her. Kim Taeyeon surely is the one behind me and asking me about the book I discovered that was her possession.

“Because I found it..?” I said, unsure of what to answer.

“You found it?”

“Yeah. I was searching here for some books and I saw it. I got interested so I read it.”

“Really? So now, you already know all about me. What are you waiting for? Go and tell it to the rest of the people in this university.” And there’s a mockery in her voice when she said those though it was calm.

“I won’t do that. No way in the world.”

“But that’s what you people here wanted from me, right?”

I ignored her accusation because I know that I’m also at fault here for invading her privacy and she has the right to get angry at me. I calmed myself before I just let out that something that was bothering me after reading her diary.

“Why you never approach me and talk to me about your feelings?”

And that makes her shut. I knew she thought that I will feel disgusted on what I have read but she thought it wrong. I am not against to the likes of her. And I am also not afraid to fall for one. Though, I am still not ready for that.

Yes, she’s a gay and she has a long time crush on a girl. Yes again, that is me. I read it in her diary.

“Shut up…” her voice was so tiny that it sounds like a whisper.

Cute.

“Don’t worry; I am not disgusted on that.”

“But you don’t like it.” She said firmed this time. The timid personality has change into a confident one.

“But you can still try to make me like it.”

I don’t know why I said that but I saw her eyes twinkled and expectance is so evident when she looked at me in the eyes. I can’t explain it but something is telling me that it is not a bad idea. In the first place, I might know her more if she’s the one will approach me first. At least I will not be guilty of invading her life.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes, I am.” After reading what’s on that blue notebook, I think I have the right to know her better.

“Okay. But let me tell you this first. I like you, and I will get you to like me back.”

After saying that she makes her way back to what she’s doing, I guess, earlier before she has spotted me here reading her diary.

That was cool…

“Maybe I am now ready for that kind of relationship… and maybe that’s because of her.” I said in a whisper. Then I remembered that one entry that made me smile earlier and got me confused at the same time.

It was an entry back on March before, as I know, she became a student assistant in this library. Only senior students are allowed to take a student assistant job in this university.

March 9, 20XX

Diary,

It’s my birthday today. As usual, my morning is bad. Not that something bad happens but, come on, who doesn’t want to be greeted by your parents on the day you were born? But I guess it’s all that I got from them. My father has left a box in my side table together was a note saying ‘Your gift. Enjoy the day.’ And also, another box from my mother, with a note saying ‘Take care for today.’

See? Should I be glad? These boxes were not even put by them. I am sure of that.

Only the smile and kiss I got from my sister Seohyun this morning before I went off to school were the best thing that happened.

But I was wrong!

Today maybe started with something bad but it’s never too late! I saw her again. I saw her in the library reading some books. I was really glad I ended up here because Yuri, a distant cousin of mine, chased me because her girlfriend wants to meet me. We’re sort of close anyway, me and Yuri, but I don’t like to meet her girlfriend. No way.

But back to whose I was talking about, I saw her so engrossed to the book she was reading. Then I saw her smile. That smile that turned my knees into jellies and ready to melt down. That smile that almost makes me dead because I felt that my breath was took away from me.

Right there and then, I want to say to her, “Tiffany Hwang, I like you. So much that I think I will explode every time I see you and your perfect smile. Can you like me back?”

But of course, I didn’t.

I think that was the best gift I ever received today, her eye-smile. I am sorry for my sister’s but I like her smile most.

Oh, how was that? I have written so long. It’s a first time! But I will end it now. Goodnight!

Your owner,

Taetae

And I remember, there is also an entry in her diary that makes my one question answered.

April 1, 20XX

Diary,

I saw her again here in the library today. She really loves reading. So I thought on something that will make her know about my feelings because I really can’t tell her that face to face.

I will write every phrase I want to say to her on every book here. The admin staff won’t get angry at me anyways. That’s why I am glad being a daughter of my father for the first time.

That’s all. Hope she likes those phrases.

Taetae