WARNING: This chapter contains content that may be offending to some readers ((suicidal thoughts, homophobic comments, swearing))

I love you.

What thoughts would enter your mind upon hearing those words? Bliss? Security? Excitement? We think that it's natural to think that way, because of all those cliché books we've read and secretly admired, those romantic movies we watched and cooed over with friends and family; yet we don't realise that it's all artificial and unrealistic.

That it's all a mere fantasy.

I walk closer and closer as my heart thumps faster and faster against my chest, almost like it's desperately trying to free itself from the restraints of my ribcage, and to reach out to the person who had captivated it.

The person who I hopelessly fell for.

As his figure starts to appear in my vision, I could feel anxiety and excitement clashing for dominance, both refusing to be defeated.

I swallow, "Hyu-"

My face heats up with humiliation, causing me to lose the miniscule confidence I once had. Of all the things that could've gone wrong, why did it have to be my voice breaking? Talk about having awful luck...

Gathering my uneven breaths and clearing my throat, I proceed; hoping from the depths of my heart that I won't embarrass myself again.

"I love you" I gulp," hyung"

I said it! Three, or well, four  words that could change my life; words that have been imprisoned in my chest for six months are now finally liberated and heading to their captivator. Although the weights of my feelings have been finally released from my chest, they are now replaced with apprehension. What will his reaction be? Will he embrace my love? Will he announce to the next girl who confesses to him that he's already taken? No, Baekhyun, you shouldn't get your hopes up too much. After all, this is Xiumin, whose name has been mentioned in countless school-crush-related conversations; why would you think he will return those feelings to you of all people?

Oh Baekhyun, you are so stupid...

"It's ok if you don't feel th-"

"What makes you think I don't?"

Xiumin finally turns around, his perfect face finally visible; the corners of his pink, soft lips rising, his jet black hair flowing perfectly with the soft spring wind; and oh god... he was breathtaking.

He then walks forward, coming closer and closer, until he is only an arm's length away; and I start to realise that those small, almost microscopic golden orbs are becoming more and more visible, and the gap left between us becomes more and more narrow until...

A strong, hot force sends me off guard, causing me to plunge backwards.

" off, "

The impact of my back hitting a metal rod sends sparks of pain up and down my spine; but that didn't matter, as it will heal and be forgotten in less than a week; whereas the stabbing sensation inside my chest would only leave a wound of agony and sorrow.

A wound that will never heal.

 

If only I knew it was all mere fantasies.

If only I knew that the so-called "crush" was sheer admiration of Xiumin, and not "love".

If only I knew that not anyone would accept someone who is different.

If only you were normal.

Although my parents have tried to comfort me about it, it didn't ease the pain away; not because I got rejected by Xiumin, but because I am now permanently branded as the "".

That's the real scar, to be out casted because you're different, or because you used to be different.

However in their eyes, it's the same. I'm still an outcast, a worthless , a punching bag. Why? It's been 3 years since the confession, and I was only 14, someone who knew nothing about the difference between love and admiration; but why are they still against me? Did I hurt someone whilst confessing? Did I cause damage?

You did, dirty . You loved a boy.

But that was 3 years ago! I was young and immature!

You're so different that you don't deserve to live because you're just not normal!

No, I'm not different, I eat, I sleep; I have a life, just like everyone else.

You loved boys; you call that a life?

Stop.

You caused so much damage to society.

"Stop..." I whimper helplessly.

That's what you have become; pathetic.

"STOP!" I rush to the bathroom and grab a razor. I can't deal with this, not anymore; I'm a mistake, a pathetic mistake who should've been dead years ago.

I don't deserve a life.

All I see is red. All I hear are voices. Those voices...

Pathetic .

Worthless.

Gay.

You don't deserve to live.

Die!

"BAEKHYUN!" Mum comes bursting through the door just as I was about to run the razor through my arm.

What is she saying? She's looking at me whilst moving her lips frantically, but I can't hear her.

All I can hear is "die". Is that what she's saying? Then why did she snatch it away?

Why did she snatch my only refuge away from me?

Why?