Feeling Alive
Feeling Alive [One-Shot]
Kyuhyun couldn't remember a time when he didn't feel like this, when he was actually happy, when he didn't feel like dying.
He stared at the rushing water 50 feet below him.
He tried to think back to his childhood; what did he do for fun? He couldn't remember having any friends. Unless you count the imaginary one he made up when he was already past the stage of having imaginary friends. But Kyuhyun didn't count Ryeowook, his father had beaten that friend out of him the day he heard Kyuhyun talking to someone who wasn't there.
What games did he play? He remembered playing video games by himself; he still did. But he didn't count that, either. He was by himself then. Ah! A board game! He could remember his favorite board game of all time had been Candy Land. He could clearly remember playing a game of Candy Land. But he didn't count that, either; he had been by himself then, too.
Kyuhyun closed his eyes for a moment as a strong breeze ruffled his hair, making him nauseous as he swayed. He didn't think it would be this windy on the bridge. He clutched the light pole he was holding onto; he wasn't ready to jump, not yet.
He tried to remember a time when he laughed. What did he find funny? …. He couldn't come up with anything.
He tried to think of something beautiful. What was beautiful in the world that was worth sticking around for? Flowers? Well, yeah, those are pretty, some are even beautiful, but are they really worth sticking around for? Kyuhyun didn't think so. Rain? If he was honest, he would have to admit that he actually liked the rain. He loved to stand out in the rain and feel it wash over him. The cold drops ridding him of the shame and disgrace he constantly felt. But if he was gone, he wouldn't need the rain anymore, so it wasn't worth staying for. Friends? Yeah; if he had any, that is. Love? He lost faith in love the day his father finally put his mother in the hospital after a particularly brutal beating.
Kyuhyun opened his eyes again, staring at the water below. He leaned over a bit, making sure not to loose his balance on the railing that he was standing on. The movement bringing his attention to the sweatband he kept permanently on his wrist. A shameful sign of previous attempts at ending it all. Another slap in the face that he had failed. He only hid his scars so he didn't have to stare his failure in the face everyday.
Kyuhyun closed his eyes again. He let go of the light pole, letting his arm with the sweatband fall to his side like a dead weight. He felt another breeze make him sway slightly, and he felt nauseous again; comfort came in the thought that it would finally all be over soon.
“What are you doing?” Kyuhyun heard a voice from his right. His eyes shot opened and he whipped his head to the side, gripping the light pole again as he felt his balance sway.
“What?” Kyuhyun croaked out. He had been crying earlier and hadn't used his voice since.
“I said, 'what are you doing?'” The stranger asked again. He was a boy that looked older than Kyuhyun; however, not by much. And although Kyuhyun could tell the boy was older, he could also tell that he was shorter. In a random moment of clarity that only comes in moments like these, Kyuhyun thought the boy was beautiful, more beautiful than the flowers he had been thinking about just moments ago. The boy was pale with flawless skin covering beautiful facial features that were framed by bits of dark hair. For a moment, Kyuhyun wondered why the boy was alone; once someone met him, why would they ever want to leave such a beautiful creature?
“N-Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Can you just go away, please.” Kyuhyun said quickly. If he had met this boy in another life, at a different time, he wouldn't have pushed him away; however, at the moment, Kyuhyun had more important business to attend to. Today was the day he had planned for, there was a handwritten note on his desk with the date and everything to prove it.
“Not until you tell me what you're doing.” The boy said stubbornly, crossing his arms.
“What does it look like?” Kyuhyun shot out. He really didn't want to talk. He didn't think anyone would be on this bridge on Wednesday afternoon. It used to be a bridge for cars, but they shut it down when a new, more efficient bridge was built further down the road. Now the path to it was overgrown and hardly anyone knew it still stood sturdy. This is the exact reason Kyuhyun had picked this bridge; he didn't think anyone would find him. But here was this beautiful boy interrupting him.
“I know what it looks like, but I want you to tell me. Say exactly what it is that you are about to do.” The boy said all-knowingly. The smug face he held didn't seem to even bother the now impatient and annoyed Kyuhyun. Had he had the guts, he would have jumped even with the stranger here; however, he didn't. This only added another thing to the list of why he should go through with his plan: he was too scared to kill himself with someone watching.
“Why? You know what I'm doing. Now, please, just go.” Kyuhyun said. He looked down at the running water again; a split second thought ran through his head about whether the water would be cold this time of the year. From this height, would he even feel it?
“Because I want to know if you will actually go through with it. If you can tell me exactly what you are doing and how you are going to do it, I will leave.” The stranger said, taking a step closer.
“Stop! Don't come closer, or I'll jump!” Kyuhyun yelled, gripping the light pole.
“Ah! Okay, so you've told me how you're going to do it. Now all you have to do is tell me what you are doing.” The mysterious boy said, holding his hands up, palms-out, to show he won't come closer.
“Why? What do I need to prove to you? I don't even know who you are! Just, go away!” Kyuhyun yelled.
“Okay, okay. I guess you're right. My name is Sungmin. You don't have to prove anything to me. I just want to hear you say you want to kill yourself, that you want to die, kick the bucket, bite the dust, check out, or probably the most relevant one now: swim with the fishes.” Sungmin paused for emphasis. “Say it, and I will gladly leave and let you get on with it.”
Kyuhyun stared at the boy, dumbfounded. Who the hell was this kid, but more importantly, who the does he think he is? What kind of person sees someone standing on a bridge, seemingly ready to jump, and requests for the him to articulate just what he plans to do.
“What...” Kyuhyun mumbled as he tried to wrap his head around how the day had turned to this.
“It's really simple. Just say, 'I, what ever your name is...' Hey, wait! What is your name? We will start there.”
“What?! No! Just, go away, please!” Kyuhyun yelled; he was getting frustrated now.
“What's your name. Tell me your name and I will leave.”
“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun! My name is Kyunhyun! Cho Kyuhyun to be exact! Now will you please leave?”
“Good, we are making strides. Now say, 'I, Cho Kyuhyun, am planning to jump off this bridge to kill myself.' Say it, and I will leave.”
“You're a liar. I told you my name. You said if I told you my name, you would leave. Leave!”
“Eh, yeah. I never said I wasn't a liar. But now, I'm telling the truth. Say what I told you to say, and I promise I will let you be.” Sungmin said, taking a step back to give Kyuhyun space.
“No. I don't need to prove anything to you.”
“I know you don't; I already went over this. Call it a sick fascination. I like hearing people say they want to die.”
“You're sick.”
“You can't do it, can you?”
Kyuhyun stared at the boy. “ you.”
“Ah...Okay, so I'm right. You can't say it.”
Kyuhyun stayed silent, doing his best to stare daggers at the stranger.
“If you can't say it, you won't do it.”
“ off.”
“And I'm guessing that sweat band of yours is hiding more failed attempts. Am I right? Or am just off my rocker?”
Kyuhyun was silent again.
“I thought so.”
“Just...Just go away. Please.” Kyuhyun tried pleading.
“Not until you say it. And since I have a feeling you can't, I guess I will be here all day. Which, you know, is kind of a shame because I did have plans for today. And I'm already late for something, so really, that's your fault. If you just say it, I will leave, go to where I need to be, and then you can live happily ever after. No...Wait, that's wrong, right? Because you would jump, and not live hap-”
“ off!” Kyuhyun yelled, getting more angry by the minute.
“Well, that's nice. Now you're just screaming obscenities to a stranger, and that's never okay. You should learn manners. Maybe that's why you're doing this. Some big grown up yelled at you for putting your elbows on the table and now you want to off yourself. Or, no, did someone yell at poor little Cho Kyuhyun for talking back? That seems to fit more, you brat.”
Kyuhyun was horrified. Who the was this boy?
“No? That's not it? Hmm...maybe it's because the love of your life moved away. That has to be it, right? Some cute little girl exactly three inches shorter than you left without a word, right? No? Not that, either? Hmm...Does daddy hit you?” Sungmin grinned evilly when he saw something flash across Kyuhyun's eyes. “That's it! I knew I would get it at some point. Daddy hits you and you just can't take it anymore?”
“ you.” Kyuhyun's voice cracked and he swore at himself under his break. He was so weak, he deserved the beatings; they were supposed to make him stronger, but they never helped. Maybe he shouldn't kill himself just yet; maybe his father could make him a stronger person...
“Where does he hit you, hmm? You're face? Are you wearing make up right now to hide a massive bruise? Or maybe you keep the bruises hidden. Are they under your sleeves? You are wearing sleeves on a hot day. I bet that's where the bruises are. Can I see them?” The boy asked morbidly, taking a step closer to Kyuhyun.
“F- you. Don't come closer.”
“Why not? Hmm? It's not like you're going to jump anyway. I just want to see the bruises. I want to see if you are being a baby or not. Let me see.” Sungmin kept stepping closer and Kyuhyun kept shuffling closer to the light pole, away from the approaching stranger. Sungmin kept a eye on Kyuhyun's feet to make sure the boy would slip. He was being an at the moment; well, he was being worse than an , but what sounds worse than an ? He didn't really want Kyuhyun to jump, and he had no intentions on letting him.
“Go away!” Kyuhyun yelled when he felt his body flush against the pole.
“Nope! Can I see the bruises? Ooh! Or maybe there are scars! Is he that bad? Let me see!”
Sungmin was right beside him now. Kyuhyun looked down at the beautiful face, tucking his right arm into his chest, away from Sungmin's reach.
“Please let me see.”
“Please go away.” Kyuhyun shot back.
“Once I see your scars.” Sungmin said sternly.
Kyuhyun didn't know what got into him, but he felt himself letting his arm drop closer and closer to the stranger. He knew there were no scars on his arms; his father was smarter than to make marks on his arms. But there was something urging Kyuhyun to let Sungmin see his arm. There were scars, but they weren't from his father.
As soon as Sungmin was positive Kyuhyun's arm was in reach, he quickly grabbed his arm and pulled hard, catching Kyuhyun as he toppled off the railing of the bridge.
“Let go of me! Get off! Let go!” Kyuhyun yelled as he was pinned to the ground, his hands held down under each of Sungmin's knees. He tried using his legs to kick at the boys that was now straddling him, but it was too awkward of an angle; he felt helpless.
“I'll get off, but I'm not letting you go. You're not going to jump, and I'm not going to let you.”
“Why not? What do I even matter to you? I've never met you before in my whole life!”
“Now you have. You know my name and everything. So, now we have met and I won't let you jump.” Sungmin said sternly. “I'm going to sit here until I'm sure you won't try anything stupid when I get up.”
Kyuhyun tried to move his arms, but failed miserably. He tried to kick Sungmin, but again failed. So he gave up and huffed as he laid motionless below the boy.
“I'll take you home when I don't think you'll do something stupid. Now that I know why you were going to jump, I won't let you go back to your home.”
“I'm not going with a stranger.”
“Really? You would rather kill yourself, or go back home to your abusive father, than go with a stranger...No, I get your logic, I really do.” Sungmin said sarcastically.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you doing all this? Do you you want to think of yourself as a savior or something?” Kyuhyun hissed.
“Well, that would be nice. Savior Min. Does that make me the second coming? Or am I my own god?”
“What?”
“Never mind. But no...I do not want to think of myself as a savior. I just don't want you to kill yourself.” Sungmin said, rolling his eyes when Kyuhyun didn't get his joke.
“But why? Why do I matter?”
“Because you are alive now. Whether you feel like you are or not, you are alive. And because you are alive, I don't want you to die.”
“No, I get your logic, I really do. But you don't know me. Why do I matter?” Kyuhyun threw Sungmin's own words at him. Receiving a smirk from the elder.
“If I said because I thought you were cute, would that get you to shut up?”
Kyuhyun stared at him for a moment. “...no...”
“How about if I said, I thought you were too beautiful of a person to let go to waste?” Sungmin tried again. The smirk he held in place gave of the fact that he was joking, albeit only slightly.
“That's your reasoning?”
“Does that sound selfish?” Sungmin asked, bringing a finger to his chin in mock thought. “Eh, whatever. Consider it an act of self need. Hmm... that definitely means it was because I was selfish, but so what, sue me.”
“Self need? What does that mean?”
“You will get it eventually. But not now. Now, I'm going to get off you and you are not going to go running to the edge of the bridge like a lunatic, okay? This is how this is going to work. I will get up, you will stay down. I will help you up, and then my hand is not leaving yours until we are safely in my house with the doors locked. Okay?” Sungmin said, not yet moving.
“You're going to hold my hand?”
“So you can't run away. Gah! That sounds creepy. So you can't go running off the bridge or into traffic. So I can make sure you are still alive when we get to my house.”
“I still don't want to go to your house, though.”
“You were just about to jump off a bridge, what is the worst I can do? Kill you? You would probably thank me, right?”
Kyuhyun had to keep quiet at that. At this point, what was the worse Sungmin could do to him?
“Okay.” Sungmin said as he started to push off of Kyuhyun's chest to stand up. Once up, he reached his left hand down to help Kyuhyun. The younger reluctantly took his hand and felt it clamp tight around his; so much for trying to run. “Let's go, it's not a far walk.”
They walked in silence, through the short bit of woods and eventually through the busy city. Everything seemed to be moving too quickly for Kyuhyun's eyes. He had been in the mindset to die and now there was so much life buzzing around him. He still felt numb to it. Well, almost numb. He felt some sort of tingling lacing up his arm from where his hand met Sungmin's. He'd never felt that before.
Sungmin led him into a dingy apartment building and up three flights of stairs. They stopped in front of a green door with the number 19 on a black plaque. Kyuhyun watched as Sungmin stood on his tip toes to reach above the door and pulled down a spare key.
“You don't carry a key?” Kyuhyun asked, still aware that Sungmin had yet to let go of his hand.
“No.” Sungmin unlocked the door and returned the key to the top of the door.
“What if someone uses the key to break into the house?”
“I don't care...” Sungmin mumbled. Kyuhyun scrunched his eyebrows. Sungmin suddenly seemed different, not so confident anymore. However, Kyuhyun quickly forgot it as he was pulled into the house. Sungmin let go of Kyuhyun's hand finally, and the younger could hear the door lock click. He knew he should be scared; but he wasn't, not in the least.
Kyuhyun looked around the apartment when Sungmin flicked the light on. It was really just one big room. There was a living room area with a couch and a TV, a kitchen area with a refrigerator, stove and sink, there was a bed in the far corner with a lamp and nightstand, there was a closet build into the wall and a tiny bureau, there was a door directly to Kyuhyun's right, which he assumed hid the bathroom. It was small and plain, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Everything Sungmin had furnished his one room with was either bright pink, blue or some other bright color. It all looked inexpensive, but it looked happy. Almost as if Sungmin was trying too hard to be happy. Or, at least, play it off.
“You can sit down if you like.” Sungmin said, motioning to the couch straight ahead of them. “I'll make tea. Sugar?”
Kyuhyun watched Sungmin make his way to the kitchen. He nodded before he took his first hesitant step towards the couch.
Kyuhyun sat down and sunk into the cushion. It was a comfortable couch, but it was made of rough material. He stared at the blinds that covered both of the window in the room, only letting the the last of the setting sun rays shine through in beams. His eyes traveled down to the shadows the blinds forced onto the floor. He kept his eyes there until he felt a weight sit on the couch beside him.
“Here.” Sungmin said gently as he handed one of the mismatched steaming mugs to Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun took it and smirked at the bunny that looked up at him from the mug. It was sitting in a field and had a speech bubble that said 'Welcome to Ohio!'
“You've been to Ohio?” Kyuhyun asked as he blew on the steaming drink.
Sungmin shook his head.
“Then, where did you get this?” Kyuhyun asked with scrunched eyebrows.
“Thrift store. It's clean, though. Don't worry.” Sungmin rushed out the last bit as if he was afraid to scare Kyuhyun away.
“You can stay here if you want. I have more pillows and blankets in the closet. You can sleep on the couch.” Sungmin said, staring at the shadows on the floor.
“What? You just met me and you are offering up your home?”
“I...I feel like I know you. Or, no. I understand you. And...I'm lonely. Living alone isn't really fun.”
“So, what? Were you out looking for people about to kill themselves so you can save them and convince them to live with you?” Kyuhyun asked.
Sungmin shrugged his shoulders. “No. Not really.” Sungmin mumbled, sipping at his tea.
“I'll stay.”
Sungmin looked up with surprised eyes; however, there was no way he was more surprised than Kyuhyun himself. He swallowed and nearly choked on his own spit, shocked at how willingly he just agreed to stay with a stranger.
“What? You'll stay? That was ing quick! I thought I would have to at least make you dinner first. Tea? That was it; that was all it took?” Sungmin asked.
“No...it wasn't the tea or anything. I just...I don't really have anywhere else to go. Like you said, I can't go back home. I already planned to...hmm...'swim with the fishes;' I can't just go back home to my...”
“No...I suppose you're right. I'll still make you dinner though. What do you want? What do you like to eat? I'm a great cook!”
“It doesn't matter. I'm not picky.” Kyuhyun admitted.
“Fine. I will make what I have. We will have a little feast; how does that sound?” Sungmin sounded excited, and Kyuhyun couldn't help but smile as the older went bouncing back into the kitchen. “Do you want to help?” Sungmin yelled when he opened the refrigerator and chose what to make.
“I'm not a good cook.” Kyuhyun mumbled when he made it next to Sungmin.
“Then for company.” Sungmin said, smiling up at Kyuhyun. “I've never cooked for anyone else. So, actually, my cooking could be , and I just don't know. You will have to be the critic.”
“Sure.” Kyuhyun said as he sat down in the one chair at the tiny table in the kitchen.
Kyuhyun watched with mesmerized eyes as Sungmin flew back and forth across the kitchen making his masterpiece. 45 minutes later and the tiny table in front of Kyuhyun was completely covered in different plates of food.
“Dig in!” Sungmin exclaimed, handing Kyuhyun chopsticks and a spoon.
“Oh. Do you want the seat?” Kyuhyun asked when he realized there was no other seat in the apartment besides the couch.
“No, it's fine. I'll put some on a plate and sit against the refrigerator.” Sungmin said as he bounced around to find a plate. Kyuhyun noticed that the cupboards were nearly empty a few cups, a few bowls, and a couple plates, and that was it.
“The floor?” Kyuhyun asked. “Are you sure? I'll sit on the floor, if you want. This is your house after all.”
“No, no. I'm sure. You deserve to at least sit in a chair now. After today and all.” Sungmin said, spooning out some rice for himself.
“Oh...yeah.” Kyuhyun mumbled. He was horrified that he had almost forgotten his plan to die before the end of the day.
The two ate in a comfortable silence. It was comfortable, but Kyuhyun didn't like it. In silence, Kyuhyun thought about things that ate at his mind. When he thought about those things, he could literally feel the bruises forming on his back, chest and bum from his father's belt. In silence, Kyuhyun planned ways to kill himself.
“Can you talk? Can we talk, or something...please?” Kyuhyun mumbled when he couldn't take it anymore. He had already thought about finding the closest knife in Sungmin's kitchen and slitting his wrists again.
“Sure. What do you want to talk about?” Sungmin asked once he swallowed his mouthful of meat.
“Do you have any knives?” Kyuhyun spurted out. In the silence when he was thinking of how to kill himself, he noticed that he didn't see a single steak knife. He tried to remember if Sungmin had even used a knife when cooking; he couldn't remember.
“What? Why?” Sungmin asked.
“Just wondering. I don't remember seeing any.”
“I don't have any.”
“Why? You seem to like cooking. And the food is all really good, by the way. Wouldn't a cook have at least one knife?”
“What does it matter? Do you need a knife for your food?” Sungmin asked.
“No, no. I just... Why don't you have any?”
“I don't have anything sharp in the house. Or, at least, I try not to.” Sungmin mumbled.
“Why?”
“You ask too many questions.”
“What, do you just save people who attempt suicide and safe proof your house for them?” Kyuhyun asked smugly.
“No. Not for them.” Sungmin said, continuing to eat.
Kyuhyun fell silent. He looked Sungmin up and down and it thought about everything that had happened since he met the boy. He lived on his own, he had very little furniture, there was nothing sharp or dangerous in his small home. Kyuhyun stared at Sungmin, and his eyes finally fell on his left wrist. How hadn't he noticed it before?
On Sungmin's wrist, there was a large mass of scars running side-to-side and up-and-down. Sungmin had tried to commit suicide?
“You tried to kill yourself?” Kyuhyun asked dumbly.
“Several times.” Sungmin said as if it was nothing.
Kyuhyun stared, speechless.
Sungmin looked up, surprised to see Kyuhyun staring at him. “What? Is it that much of a shocker?”
“I...I guess not...Well, kind of! You seemed so intent on keeping me alive when you've tried to kill yourself, too!”
“Exactly. But I know what it's like to live now. I want to help you. Well... We can help each other. You know how I said I did it for 'self need.' Yeah...” Sungmin faded off.
“What, are you thinking of trying again? And you need me to be here?”
“No, no. I wasn't thinking of trying again. I just. Like I said, it's lonely on your own. We can help each other. I'll teach you how to enjoy life, you can help me enjoy mine.”
“I see. You're using me.”
“You can decide that later. If after a month, you still want to kill yourself, I'll let you go. And I won't interrupt again.”
“You want me to bet my life?”
“Why does it matter to you? You were just about to throw it away.”
“Touche.” Kyuhyun had to agree with him...again. “Fine. One month.”
Sungmin smiled up at Kyuhyun from the floor, his mouth full of rice.
~
That night, Sungmin pulled out a set of unused pillows and blankets and set them up on the couch for Kyuhyun. They whispered goodnight to each other before Sungmin clicked the light off. However, in the darkness, a little voice spoke up.
“Please. While I'm asleep, please don't leave or anything. Don't do anything stupid. I want you to still be here when I wake up. Okay?” Sungmin squeaked from his bed.
Kyuhyun could hear an insecure young boy in Sungmin's voice. “I won't. I promise...and I don't lie.”
Sungmin smiled to himself before whispering another 'goodnight' and drifting into the first peaceful sleep since he was released from the hospital for his last suicide attempt.
~
Kyuhyun woke to the smell of breakfast wrapping around him. He sat up and saw Sungmin buzzing around a smoking stove; there were already plates of food on the table ready and waiting for him. He got out of his makeshift bed and made his way to the kitchen.
“Good morning!” Sungmin squeaked when he noticed Kyuhyun sit down at the table of food. “Enjoy.”
Kyuhyun dug into the food. He wasn't used to waking up to a peacefully quiet house. He was used to waking up in the middle of the night to screaming and then being dragged out of bed by his feet or hair. He wasn't used to sleeping through the night and waking up to a waiting breakfast.
“This is delicious!” Kyuhyun exclaimed after he had taken a bite of everything.
“Thanks.” Sungmin said, smiling as he scooped food onto a plate for himself to eat on the floor.
After a few minutes of silence, Kyuhyun couldn't take it anymore. He could feel himself thinking about things he shouldn't.
“How do you not feel the urge to try again?” Kyuhyun asked.
“It just gets better. There are still times when it's bad. But it's bearable, sometimes.” Sungmin answered as if he knew exactly what Kyuhyun was thinking.
Kyuhyun nodded, wondering if he would ever get to that point. “Why...Why did you do it?” Kyuhyun asked. He knew it probably wasn't the best question to ask, but he was curious.
“You and me aren't that different, you know.” Sungmin mumbled.
“...Your dad hit...”
“My mom's many late night partners. We didn't have a lot of money. She was...well, she was a e. They weren't the nicest of guys...” Sungmin trailed off.
“What...W-What did they do?” Kyuhyun couldn't stop himself now.
Sungmin looked up at Kyuhyun, questioning his manners. But when he saw innocent and genuine curiosity in his eyes, he felt like he could tell him. “Well... There was a lot of t-touching, I guess...” Sungmin trailed off, turning back to his food.
Kyuhyun looked to the elder with sad eyes. Yes, his father hit him...a lot, but he never got ual with him. He was at least grateful for that. He couldn't imagine what Sungmin had gone through.
“Ah...Do you want to take a shower? You probably do, right? Give me your clothes, I will give you some of mine to use for now. The pants will probably be a bit short though. Use your pants, but give me your shirt.” Sungmin said, clearly changing the subject as he stood up. He reached out his hand for Kyuhyun to give him his shirt.
“Uh...Can...Can I give it to you after? I'll change in the bathroom and I'll bring the shirt out when I'm done.” Kyuhyun said, trying to avoid taking his shirt off in front of Sungmin.
“Umm, sure? Why don't you just take it off now? I'll put it with my dirty clothes in my closet when I get a shirt for you.”
“I-I just don't want to...” Kyuhyun trailed off, standing up and starting to back up to the bathroom.
“You don't want to take your shirt off in front of me? Is that where the scars are?” Sungmin asked. Kyuhyun froze and Sungmin knew that was the exact reason. “It's okay, you know. I won't say anything, or...What ever you're thinking I will do, I promise I won't.”
“You don't even know what I'm thinking...” Kyuhyun muttered.
“I won't touch you.”
“Oh.” Apparently, that was exactly what Kyuhyun was thinking. He was ashamed of the scar of his wrist because it documented his own failure, but he was more ashamed of the scars on his back and torso because he had not been strong enough to stop them from happening.
“Okay, okay. I'll bring the shirt now, you can give me your dirty one after you shower. We will go shopping later today to get you more clothes.” Sungmin said, dropping the subject.
~
The day was amazing. Kyuhyun had never felt so light. Sungmin had kept him occupied and his mind off of thinking of what he now considered his previous life.
A week went by like this: waking up with each other, eating together, killing time during the rest of the day, and whispering 'goodnight' to each other before falling into a peaceful sleep.
One day, about a week and a half into their new life, they sat on Sungmin's couch, watching a random television show. Sitting together, they felt like friends, like family. Even though they had both met each other not that long ago, they both already felt like they needed the other. Neither of them had honestly thought of killing themselves since they had been with each other.
'This, this is beautiful.' Kyuhyun thought as they watched TV. If this was to last forever, it is worth sticking around for.
Sungmin sat to the left of Kyuhyun and was no longer paying attention to the show that played in the TV. His gaze remained on the sweatband on Kyuhyun's wrist. Silently and stealthily, he reached his hand over. When he was sure Kyuhyun hadn't noticed yet, he reached a finger out and tried to loop it around the sweatband to rip it off. Kyuhyun noticed.
Kyuhyun pulled his hand into his chest in a flash, standing from his seat on the couch. “What are you doing?!”
“I want to see your wrist.” Sungmin said like it was obvious.
“What? Why?” Kyuhyun exclaimed, clutching at his wrist.
“You shouldn't hide it. It's you now. I don't hide mine.” Sungmin said, looking down at his own wrist.
“You're not ashamed of it?”
“What?! No. Are you?”
“Yes. It's just proof that you're a failure!”
“Or it's proof that your alive! Do you still not look at life as some sort of gift?”
“Do you?”
“Well... At times.”
“Like when? Help me understand. You always say cryptic things like that! Help be get better! Every time there is silence, my mind goes back to my father! And then I can't stop plotting ways to kill myself! Fix it!” Kyuhyun was yelling and spilling his heart out. How could Sungmin just handle life along with his past?
“There are moments when you feel alive, little moments, but they are enough. You just need to find out what they are.” Sungmin said gently.
“Like what? When?”
“Like when I met you! That was a moment. When you were still here when I woke up; that was a moment.” Sungmin got up and moved to stand right in front of Kyuhyun. “When you looked happy eating my food; that was a moment.” Sungmin leaned in and quickly placed a peck on Kyuhyun's lips. “There! That was a moment.”
Kyuhyun was speechless for a moment, trying to take in what just happened. “Like when you held my hand...that was a moment.”
“You get it now.” Sungmin said as he turned to go sit back on the couch.
Kyuhyun grabbed Sungmin's arm to halt him in his tracks. Sungmin turned to face him and their eyes met.
“What?” Sungmin asked when Kyuhyun didn't move or say anything.
Kyuhyun took a step forward and let his hand drop lower on Sungmin's arm, stopping just above his wrist. Sungmin gave him a knowing look, but asked him again what he was doing.
Kyuhyun looked down at where his hand met Sungmin's wrist. He watched in fascination as he let his thumb rub against the prominent scars, the scars that matched his own on his left wrist. He continued to run his fingers along the scars with such faint touches that he wondered if Sungmin could feel them at all.
Suddenly, Sungmin leaned in and placed a chaste kiss against Kyuhyun's lips. The younger looked up quickly to meet Sungmin's eyes. There was a comfortable, silent pause as both parties tried to reason out what was going to happen next. As if on cue, both lunged towards each other, crashing their lips together. It was their first real kiss, but it felt right.
They moved around the room, searching for an end destination. Sungmin held Kyuhyun around the waist, while the younger cupped Sungmin's face, keeping him in place.
However, a sudden thought ran through Kyuhyun's mind.
“Do you feel alive? Ever? Like, really alive?” Kyuhyun asked as he pushed Sungmin against the wall they were near and pulled away from their kiss. Sungmin's lips were red and abused, matching his own.
Sungmin stared at the younger for a moment, not intending to answer his question.
Kyuhyun leaned in for another chaste kiss before pulling away once again.
“Do you?” He needed an answer. He stared deep into Sungmin's eyes, holding on to his upper arms to make sure he wouldn't leave. Throughout the week and a half, Sungmin had preached how worth it it was for Kyuhyun to live, how much it was worth living. He needed to know if Sungmin, himself, felt whole. He wanted to know if he would ever have a chance.
“...no...” It was so muffled that if Kyuhyun hadn't been listening for it, he doubted he would have heard it. But it was enough.
Kyuhyun pulled Sungmin flush against him and into another searing kiss.
As their tongues fought for dominance, Kyuhyun could feel tears coming to his eyes; everything was too much for him.
They parted for air and Kyuhyun tried to keep his eyes downcast, but Sungmin wouldn't have it. He kept trying to kiss the younger, and therefore forced his face up.
“Just forget... Don't think about anything by me.” Sungmin whispered when he saw Kyuhyun's tears before he pulled the boy tight against himself and into another blinding kiss.
Kyuhyun fisted Sungmin's flimsy t-shirt like it was the only thing keeping him on Earth, like if he was to let go, he would disappear, and this was the first time he could remember not wanting to die.
“I...I think I feel alive...” He mumbled when his back hit Sungmin's bed.
“You will, you will.” Sungmin whispered as he crawled on top of Kyuhyun. He nuzzled his face into Kyuhyun's neck and proceeded to kiss and nibble where his vein pulsed, a sign that he was, in fact, living, even if neither of them felt it.
Kyuhyun reveled in the weight he felt on top of him from Sungmin's body, basked in the sensations he felt as Sungmin's hands ran along his skin under his shirt, made quiet noises that egged Sungmin on.
Sungmin reluctantly pushed himself up off of Kyuhyun when he felt the younger tugging at his shirt. Straddling Kyuhyun, Sungmin quickly rid himself of the annoying material and paused when he saw Kyuhyun's eyes wondering along his chest and torso. He noticed when Kyuhyun's eyes landed on the cluster of identical scars that ran along the right side of his hip, just above the beginning of his pants. He gave him a moment to stare before he placed his hand under Kyuhyun's chin to lift his head and force him to look into his eyes.
“I still don't feel alive. I never really will. It just gets bearable. Your life will never feel perfect, but there are those moments...” Sungmin stated, looking deep into Kyuhyun's eyes before he leaned down for another kiss, this one more gentle, but just as passionate.
Sungmin let his whole body rest on Kyuhyun's again before forcing them to change positions, rolling to place Kyuhyun on top of himself. They continued kissing and nuzzling into each other, but soon Sungmin began to pull at Kyuhyun's shirt, wanting to feel the younger's skin against his own.
Kyuhyun quickly pulled up and pushed Sungmin's hands out of the way.
“S-Stop. Please...” Kyuhyun got out between pants, clutching Sungmin's hands in his own.
Sungmin looked up and suddenly saw the same broken boy he saw on the bridge when they first met. He understood.
“It's okay...I have scars, too; you saw.” Sungmin tried, gently.
“I know...I just...Not now, okay. Please. I don't want to just now.” Kyuhyun said, trying to avoid the elder's eyes.
“Okay, okay. Alright.” Sungmin said, trying to pull Kyuhyun back down on top of him. Kyuhyun obliged, and placed his head against Sungmin's bare chest. He could hear his heart beat, a constant, comforting reminder of the others presence.
Sungmin leaned his head down and place a kiss on Kyuhyun's forehead, his nose, and then with some strain, his lips. “You want to stop?” He asked gently.
Kyuhyun closed his eyes and tucked his head in against the elder's chest, hiding from having to speak. He didn't need to; Sungmin understood.
“Okay.” Sungmin held Kyuhyun tighter against his body, placing a hand around his waist and one hand on the back of his head. “Okay.” He rested his own head against the top of Kyuhyun's.
They laid like that for 20 peaceful minutes, listening to each other breathe as the held each other close.
Sungmin was playing with Kyuhyun left hand that was resting on his stomach. He thought Kyuhyun was asleep, so he started fiddling with the sweatband that covered his wrist.
“I...Please...” Kyuhyun whimpered. He had been watching Sungmin play with his hand and now he knew what the elder was planning.
“You're beautiful Kyuhyun. You, you are worth living for, scars or not. These aren't proof that you failed, they're proof that you needed to live, proof that you can survive.” Sungmin said into Kyuhyun hair. He continued to finger the sweatband, getting one finger wrapped around it. He slowly started to pull it off his hand. He got it about a centimeter down before he paused, waiting for any resistance. When he heard none, he continued to pull at the sweatband until it was finally off.
Sungmin could feel Kyuhyun tense up beside him. “It's okay.” Sungmin whispered, rubbing Kyuhyun arm with his free hand.
Sungmin grabbed Kyuhyun's now sweatband-free hand and turned it so he could see his scarred wrist. Sungmin ran his thumb lightly against Kyuhyun's scars. He held Kyuhyun tight against him when he felt the younger twitch and tuck his head closer to Sungmin's chest, as if he could hid in him.
“Beautiful...” Sungmin whispered as he continued to run his thumb alone Kyuhyun's scars.
Kyuhyun finally looked to his wrist to watch Sungmin rub it. “I think...I think this is a moment.” Kyuhyun said, and he felt Sungmin kiss the top of his head.
They fell asleep like that that night, in each others arms. Everything forgotten except each other.
~
They woke to the sun shining in their eyes, rolling into each other to hide from the light for a little bit longer.
Sungmin kissed Kyuhyun's nose when he saw the younger open his eyes. “Good morning...”
Kyuhyun returned the greeting, but kissed Sungmin on the lips instead. As he pulled away, Sungmin pulled him back for another long kiss.
“How are you feeling?” Sungmin asked when he finally pulled away.
“Not quite alive...but getting there.”
Sungmin smiled and kissed Kyuhyun on the forehead, pulling the younger flush against his body. He rubbed his hands up and down Kyuhyun's back a few times before he set his plan into action.
When his hand was at the hem of his shirt, he hooked his hand under Kyuhyun's shirt and started to rub up the bare skin of his back. He could feel Kyuhyun tense again.
“Stop!” Kyuhyun whimpered as Sungmin got closer to a scar that Kyuhyun knew existed.
Sungmin pulled back and pushed his lips against the other's. “I think I'm in love with you.” Sungmin mumbled against Kyuhyun's lips.
Kyuhyun pulled away to look into Sungmin's eyes. There was something different there that he hadn't noticed the night before. Love? Was that was love looked like? Kyuhyun didn't have a chance to really think about it as he felt Sungmin's hand start to move up his back again.
Sungmin felt his finger brush against rough skin. He continued to run his fingers along the scar. It was a bit big, Sungmin felt.
“I love you.” Sungmin mumbled, staring Kyuhyun in the eye as he continued to rub against his scar. “These are proof that you survived, that you are alive, and proof that you are beautiful. No one looks like you. You are a one and only. Just like how flowers are beautiful because each one is different. Each one has flaws that add something to the beauty.” Sungmin whispered against Kyuhyun's lips as he leaned in for a kiss.
“Stay with me...” Sungmin whispered when he pulled back; he rested his forehead against Kyuhyun's.
“I have no where else to go...” Kyuhyun mumbled.
“I mean don't...don't try to do anything stupid, okay. If you need them, I will make little moments all of the time. I just...please don't leave me...You know what I mean.”
“I won't. I won't leave you, I promise.” Kyuhyun placed a light kiss against Sungmin's lips.
“It hasn't been a month, yet, you know.” Sungmin chuckled out a few minutes later. “You still have another two weeks to change your mind.”
“I don't think I will. I don't feel alive...but, when I'm with you, I feel something. I won't change my mind.” Kyuhyun said, nuzzling back into Sungmin neck.
They felt the closer to being complete than either of them had ever felt. They weren't whole, they weren't perfect, but they were together, and that was all they needed to survive.
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