“Seol,

My child, are you doing well? Are you happy? Are you healthy?

I miss you and I wish I could be there with you and watch you grow up to be a beautiful and amazing young lady that I know you are. Before you know it you’ll be a woman, all grown up and capturing the hearts of the world around you!

You’re at the age now where you’ll be curious and there are so many thing that will seem so confusing to you. There are things that you might see or hear that you might not understand, but I believe that in time, you’ll come to understand. The pieces will fall into places for you.

The days will pass before you know it. Cherish every day. Cherish everybody by your side, every moment because before you know it, it’ll all be gone. Live without regrets, my child. Do what you want to do and be the best person you can possibly be.

When I was your age, I believed in fairytales, I loved them. I always wanted to find my prince charming that would sweep me off my feet but even when you meet your prince and they sweep you off your feet, everything will not be as it seems. Fairytale endings only exist in the books. But that doesn’t mean that love isn’t incredible thing.

But don’t be scared of love, my dear. Don’t be afraid to fall head first. Find someone that you love, that means the world to you and love them without any regrets. Love them with all your heart and make sure to let them know too. Live for tomorrow, and don’t get so caught up in the future that you can’t live for the now. Because to love someone, no matter how hard it is, is the greatest feeling in the world. Of all the mistakes that I made and all the regrets I had, the one thing I didn’t regret was falling in love. When you meet that person, no matter how hard it is, you’ll know. When you’re with that person it’ll feel as though you hold the world in the palm of your hands, and you’ll have no doubts in your heart.

A great woman once told me to be careful and not to trust anybody. To be careful of every step that I took but even though she was like a mother to me, I think she was wrong. I took her advice and I held back. I was so careful but in the end, life does what it wants and I regret holding back and refusing to give up my heart. We all die in the end and whether you live a life that is spectacular and fulfilling is up to you.

It’s better to live having loved and being happier than you thought you could ever be, even if it’s just for a little while, than not at all. Love everybody, love everything, because if you give all of your affection to just one person, it will be hard for you.”

Everybody in the palace is alone.

It’s a fact that all its inhabitants arm themselves with except for the few that enter optimistically, thinking that they will finally be the exception, but they all learn, sooner or later, that nobody is spared.

And the owner of the palace, the man that is the ruler of all the lands in the nation, knows it better than anybody else.

The most powerful man in the kingdom, a man who has everything and yet, nothing at all.

Born into the most prestigious and powerful family to ever grace the land, the son of the King and his most powerful Queen, this is his birthright. This land was meant to belong to the son of the Dragon and his Phoenix.

He is the richest man in Goryeo, yet he has nothing.

He has a golden throne, he has loyal citizens and vassals that swear their allegiance. Everything that his brothers fought to the death over, he has it all.

But alone in Cheondeokjeon, his castle in the sky, he is alone. He chooses to live a life of solitude, devoting himself solely to ruling the land and mourning the death of his lover. His Queen.

He isn’t living. He is merely alive.

He’s okay with it though. He’s already lost everything that he has ever cared about anyways.

But one day the man that doesn’t seem to seem to have a drop of blood or tears in him suddenly comes alive and the cause of it is a little lady who has such blatant disregard for palace rules or customs, yet the King looks at her as if the sun and the stars revolve around her, like she’s a princess.

And if it isn’t immediately apparent, people realize it soon enough. Blood doesn’t lie and the unmistakable crook in her smile, the soft eyes that turn sharp and intimidating at the slightest agitation confirm the obvious.

It is undeniable that this the only true princess of Goryeo. At least the only one that the King treats and considers so. Just like the only woman that the King has ever considered his queen.

Whispers bounce off the walls of the palace until everybody who doesn’t already know, knows.

Her name fills the palace once again. Though it can only exist in hushed whispers, her name rolls off their tongues and even in death, she cannot escape the palace.

__________________

“I think I always knew in my heart. I knew that we were meant to be, but not meant to last.

And just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that you get to be with them.

But then you want it so badly and you think that this one person is your entire world, so you start to believe that you’ll be the exception, that you deserve to be happy. 

I thought that ten years was too short, far too short. I wanted more time for us. I prayed that we could have more time so we could be together for a long time but now that it’s just me, a decade seems like it’s a world away. The days drag on and nothing can keep my attention for long. My mind always strays back to you and I let it. I let myself dream of you day and night and  it’s just the two of us, and even if it’s only for a few moments, I’m happy, because in my world, it is only you and I.

I reminisce about the memories we shared, good and bad, and I realize truly how long a decade is. In the ten years that I’ve known you, we became friends, we fell in love, we fell apart, but those ten years that I spent alongside you were the best years of my life and you left me with something that I’ll cherish forever.”

__________________

By the time Wang Seol is fifteen, she has become well versed in all realms. Be it academia, etiquette, or martial arts. She is by all accounts, a prodigy.

At the age of eight, the King teaches her how to wield a sword and bow and arrow. Her father protests initially but gives in when the King says that it is essential that she be able to defend herself. She watches the King swing the sword like it is nothing and how he spars with her father like art in motion.

By age ten she had outgrown all the teachers in Songak so the King has her visit the palace for lessons with the royal teacher with the King personally monitoring her progress, under whose tutelage she blossoms.

But Seol’s true passion isn’t in academia or martial arts. She has no interest in being a pretty bird in a gilded cage. She is fascinated by the bustle and beauty of Damiwon and the floral scent that fills the air. She is delighted by the magic that they work with flowers and herbs and oils.

The child begs the King to let her visit Damiwon after her lessons. She promises that she’ll work hard in her studies and become a great martial artist but the King offers her no reply, just a faraway look in his eyes as the tea that they are sharing gets cold.

“Is it really something that you’re interested in? Do you think that it’s something that you can do well?”

“Yes!” Seol replies, nodding her head furiously. “I’m full of talents, you know.”

The King nods his head in agreement, sending a supportive smile before looking away quickly and Seol can swear that she saw his eyes wet with tears but when she looks again the tears are gone and Seol pushes the thought into the back of her mind.

What Seol doesn’t tell the King is that she desperately wants to know how her mother lived. What her days in the palace and the Damiwon were like. She wants so badly to know about the woman who gave birth to and to understand what was going through her head when she wrote the countless letters and journal entries that she left behind. But she doesn’t tell the King. The sag in his shoulders and the faraway look in his eyes when she brings up her mother send chills down her spine.

__________________

“The child inside me grows big and stronger day by day while I grow weaker and weaker and I know.. that my days are numbered.

I want to see you.

But I know that I can’t. I know that if I see you again that you’ll understand why I had to hurt you  and you’ll allow yourself to heal and remember me.

If I see you, all that I’ve done would’ve been in vain.

You hating me is the right thing for all of us.”

__________________

Seol throws herself into the bustle of Damiwon. She isn’t allowed to serve, of course, but she reads the books and journals written by one of the former Sangoongs. One that writes of sheet masks and treatment of scars. And especially on different ways to properly conceal scars and to treat them until they’re nothing more than a faint line only noticeable under the bright glare of light. But unlike all the other journals, this one bears no name, no signature, just an air of familiarity. 

She wants to know of the life her mother lived in Damiwon so badly, but the court ladies that would have served with her when she was her would have left the palace long ago. Still, she tries, asking the court ladies that roam the halls, the ones that serve her, as discreetly as she can but they all bow their heads at her, their faces paling in response at the sound of the name “Hae Soo”.

They tell her that they are not to speak of the Lady.

She knows that her mother was a noble lady before she entered the palace but the fact that they refer to her as Lady Hae shocks but she gives up her pursuit. She knows by their pale faces that they are not to speak of the Lady.

The court ladies are kind to her and maintain their distance from her but they eventually take her under their wing once they see that she is willing to learn. They are kind to her and allow her to make soaps and salves from the journals of the unnamed court lady. She learns how to brew the perfect cup of tea and is delighted by the look of pleasant surprise on the King’s face when he tastes the fresh leaf tea and Yakgwa cookies that she has personally made.

_______________

“Hope.

It’s a funny thing isn’t it? It’s a potent thing that saves dreamers and destroys fools.

And as always, I’m a fool for you.

I keep hoping that one day we’ll meet again. I dream of you, I see you, I miss you, I wait for you to come to me and I allow myself to regret leaving you behind. I worry about you and I allow myself to miss you and it’s like poison has filled my veins.

I need to let you go. I need to set you free. I know that I am your biggest weakness, your achilles heel, and that if I love you I need to let you go.

And I love you, so I know that I should let you go.

But my heart won’t allow me to give up on you. I know it would make things so much easier for myself and that I should stop hoping for anything. I know that we are long past that, but still, I pray.

I allow myself to be selfish even though I know that the best thing for you is to let me go. I’ve watched you give up on so much yourself for me. I’ve watched you throw your body in harm’s way for me. I’ve watched you give up on your beliefs, your morals for someone like me and I don’t deserve all the things you’ve sacrificed for me.

Still, my heart yearns for you. I hope that we will meet again, even if it’s a thousand years away, I hope we meet again.”

_______________

Seol learns early on that it is best to be discreet. She knows that the King treats her like his own child and that in itself is a rarity.

She knows of the hostility between the King and the Queen and his animosity towards their children. The King is quick to correct anybody who calls the prince and princesses his children. “The Crown Prince and Princesses. They are the Queen’s children, not mine.” She remembers him saying, eyes steely.

In the many years since she has never once played with her cousins. The King would never allow for his heirs to come anywhere near Seol.

“They are rotten, Seol. You need to be careful of them and especially the Queen. You need not answer to them and if they do anything to hurt you, you have to tell me, alright?” At age six, Seol didn’t understand why the King would say such things about them but she nods her head even though she doesn’t understand. The king treats her like his own child and she knows that it is for the best that she listen to them.

And even after all these years, Seol remembers his words clear as day. She understands why though now.

The Queen has never acknowledged her existence but a couple of times when Seol has encountered the Queen despite her best attempts to avoid her, the Queen merely rolls her eyes and walks away at the sight of her greeting.

Her children are a whole different story though. They look at her in disgust, spit words of vitriol at her, but she can’t fault them. How can see when she is the one that the King treats like his own child, who receives all his affection and love while they are lucky to even receive a passive look. They fight ove