It was all she could do not to shiver, curled up on a couch with a hot chocolate in her hands, a marshmallow melting atop it and Im Nayeon’s angry glare cooling everything down.

Sana was sitting next to her, albeit at as much distance as she could manage. Sana’s eyes were softer; observant and comforting. Comforting. Ugh. Mina hated herself for that word.

She sipped the drink, sweetness and warmth running through her body. It was a sort of relaxation that made her want to cry. Not like that vaguely numb, vaguely high feeling of dancing, or really pushing her feelings down. Suddenly she was safe, and that safety was the real danger. It could be taken away so fast.

She looked over at Sana, who perked up at the eye contact.

It would be taken away fast. She didn’t know how yet. She averted her eyes, looking back down at the cup in her hands. A sudden noise made her flinch –

“Pop tarts are done. Two for Mina?”

Even with all her coldness, Im Nayeon offered selflessness. Hirai Momo watched her more quietly, but at one point she’d given Mina a gentle smile, made a soft whisper of daijoubu? to which Mina had hesitantly nodded, and then Momo’s eyes had told the full rigmarole about being about to talk to her if she wanted and all that. It was safe here. It made her want to tear her hair out, scream, and then run away. Or, well, in any order.

“Are you hungry?” Sana asked, and Mina froze for a second before shaking her head. “You’re sure?”

Her stomach loudly betrayed her then, and Sana’s smile was sympathetic.

“Two for Mina,” she said, and Mina didn’t even bother reacting. She just stared at the cup in her hands, trying desperately not to get used to it. It’s fake, you know. All this is fake.

“Alright, I hope strawberry is okay…”

Mina was distracted by the light through the window, and she stood quickly, putting the hot chocolate cup on the side table and rushing to look past the blinds.

“They’re here.”

She was almost upset. She turned, looking at the three girls.

“Oh,” Nayeon said. “Take a pop tart anyway,” she added, outstretching a hand. Mina glanced back at the window.

“They don’t like food in their car.”

“Oh…” Nayeon said, unsubtly meeting eyes with Sana. “Well, alright. I guess I’ll see you at school?”

“I guess,” Mina said, looking at the door and feeling overwhelmingly cold suddenly. She didn’t want to do this. She didn’t want to face her parents.

Still, she wasn’t welcome here – even if they pretended. She shakily sighed, moving forwards and leaving out the front door.

The danger outside was a lot more comfortable for her. No unwelcome warmth here. She moved to the car, seating herself in the back seat.

“Whose house is that?” Her mother asked, and Mina sighed.

“She goes to my school. She insisted I go inside.”

Her mother hummed thoughtfully as her father moved the car.

“What held you up?” Mina asked, praying it didn’t sound like complaining.

“Oh, it’s been a long trip. We weren’t really sure when or where you’d wanted us to pick you up.”

“Right,” Mina mumbled, looking at the window. She’d thought it was pretty clear.

“How are the auditions going?” her father asked, sounding stoic, and her eyes started stinging suddenly and went dry. Her breath shook when she drew a breath.

“I-I haven’t gotten any roles yet,” she said, hoping her voice didn’t sound as sensitive as she suspected it did. Her mother glanced back, a harsh, surprised look on her face.

“And you’ve been to how many auditions?”

“S-sixteen,” she said, trembling. Her mother’s sigh cut right through her.

“We’ll have to see what you’re doing wrong,” she said. “That is a disappointment.”

“Sorry,” she said, just clinging to the hope that her tears could stay back until she was alone.

“You’re practising every day?”

“Yes.”

“At least 4 hours?”

4 hours? She was supposed to be dancing 4 hours? “W-well, I can’t balance that with school at exam time…”

Her mother was silent for a few painful seconds. “And when is exam time over?”

“The day after tomorrow,” she said, hardly sure what to think about 4 hours practising ballet a day.

“Alright. Starting then. And do be careful with those classmates. You know they don’t work hard enough; they’re doomed to fail, and I won’t see you being like them.” Avoid Sana. Got it.

Something splintered in her chest. She could ignore the pain.

She didn’t feel anymore, after all.

“I know. Of course.”

Her mother nodded, looking out the front window and sighing again. Mina just stared at the back of the driver’s seat, desperately awaiting her escape.

“Such a disappointment that you haven’t gotten any roles yet,” her mother repeated, and Mina wished she wouldn’t verbalise it. She knew.

Of course she knew.

***

89.

She stared at the grade, not sure how to think. That was five points lower than last semester. Six lower than the semester before.

89. Could she change it? Stare at it until it shifted into, at the very least, a 90? What was she supposed to do?

“Myoui, what did you get?”

She looked sharply over at her classmate, who leaned over and glanced before Mina could pull the paper out of sight.

“Wow, eighty-nine? Jisoo got a higher grade than you!”

The person on her classmate’s other side lifted her paper to show Mina the 93 in red text. She’d lost her place as top of the class. Her life was becoming a domino game.

“Alright, so exams are nearly out of the way!” The peppy teacher said. “All that’s left is a mathematics review tomorrow-”

Maths. She’d been fairly confident with her other classes, but not that one – she’d get even lower. Maybe even in the 70s. She was shaking, suddenly. Her blood was on fire.

“So, let’s move onto some revision for that before the day ends. For starters, you should all understand the relationship between sine and cosine by now-”

Mina stood, making the whole class look over at her. The teacher stopped talking, looking at her confusedly like she was waiting for Mina to explain herself. Rather than doing that, though, she turned, rushing out of the class and moving through the empty halls of the school until she’d made her way outside.

Sine and cosine!? There was too much information in her mind, flashes of historical information and mathematics and geology and Sana’s eyes and chemistry and Korean and English and ballet movements and the way her parents looked at her every time she disappointed them and-

She’d been planning on just drinking some water, but once she reached the fountain she just barely managed not to fall to her knees, tears pouring down her face, and she told herself to pull herself back together before – god forbid – someone saw her.

She forced her way forwards, battling sobs and her own inclination to just scream, and leaned forward to drink the water, hoping that if her tears spilled onto her blazer she could just pretend it was spilled drinking water. Once she was done, she took a handkerchief out of her pocket, wiping and her eyes and standing still, breath and shoulders trembling.

She paced back and forth eventually, trying to get her breathing sorted out, and then class seemed to end. She watched, seeing the moment a close group of friends started moving over and she had to get out before they saw her. Even in spite of everything, she couldn’t be seen like this. She’d lost her pride, but she still had the appearance of it, at least.

She hid her face, moving away with the crushing weight making gravity feel stronger. Every movement was difficult. Every movement was futile, even, just a useless expulsion of energy that could be spent trying to fix things. She shouldn’t have run out of that class. Stupid, stupid Mina. But when she lacked the strength to fix anything, when she was given a boulder to move but no tools with which to do so, there was no space for anything but self-pity. Her breathing imbalanced, she marched on, just one of the many girls brought to tears now during exam time, and she passed countless students who entirely failed to identify her.

Then, even from a decent distance, a voice stuck out to her as one girl walked the other direction on the same path.

“No, but have you seen the hieroglyphs? They use birds in their alphabet. Isn’t that just the coolest thing?”

Sana’s voice. Mina froze when she heard it, standing still in the middle of the path, hiding with her handkerchief. Pathetically, her eyes drifted upwards, finding the girl walking with another student, not Im Nayeon or Hirai Momo – she had too many friends.

It just made Mina feel worse.

“Well, it makes sense. There wasn’t much back then but birds and rocks. And in Egypt? Sand.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Would you use sand in your alphabet, Sana?”

Sana rolled her eyes, and they caught Mina in the process. She stopped walking, taken aback by the shivering figure of someone who’d been desperately trying to seem fine.

Mina remembered her outburst; shouting in the middle of the night. Sana shouldn’t have been there. What were the chances?

What were the chances of anyone being like her?

“M-Mina?” Sana asked, moving forwards with hop-like steps, pausing before managing any sort of proximity.

“Uhh,” her friend said, looking around awkwardly.

“Are you okay?”

Mina honestly wanted to say no. She wanted to shake her head and break down, to be comforted by this stranger who she already (so stupidly) trusted.

But something about that other friend stopped her.

“I’m fine,” she said, voice shaky, and she rushed forwards, tears somehow still in her eyes for long enough for her to at least be alone. It was the answer that should be true. But how could it be? How do you just move on when everything you touch crumbles? How do you persevere?

“You’re not!”

She turned in an instant, heart jumping into with the shock. Sana had chased her. Her friend stood a while back, blinking as she looked over, and Sana was right in front of her. She took another step, making Mina’s heart feel like it was having a fever.

“Why do you need to keep saying you’re fine? Anyone can see right through it, you know.”

“Then why ask?”

Sana sighed, looking away. She was really pretty. Mina didn’t know why it occurred to her just then.

“I don’t know. I mean, you don’t just go up to people and tell them how they’re feeling, do you?”

“Apparently you do.”

Sana giggled at that, and in spite of herself, Mina defrosted slightly. That wasn’t playing fair. She looked back at her friend, who was looking increasingly annoyed.

“Sorry, Tzuyu. Rain check?”

“Fine,” Tzuyu called out. “See if I care! I’ll just hang out with Momo, and we’ll have our own movie marathon. With puppies! And jokbal!”

Sana laughed, and even though Tzuyu acted annoyed the air of lightheartedness was all around, suffocating her.

Mina didn’t like it, not until Sana looked back at her.

“Let’s go,” she said brightly, offering her arm, and Mina just blinked at her.

“What?”

“We’re going to hang out, right?”

“Seriously? You just show up every now and then, invade my privacy and ignore me when I tell you to leave me alone, and suddenly we’re friends?”

Sana’s eyes scanned the area like they had the answers. “Yes?”

It took her a second.

Oh.

That was unexpected.

a/n- I hardly ever have anything to say here lately, gosh. Hope you enjoyed! <3 I'd love if you could leave a comment!