I come from a small town in Washington, shrouded in hills and trees. I grew up in a fairly average family. My father died when I was four years old, leaving my mom to work two jobs trying to raise my brother and I. He was six at the time. Mom was usually stressed, but she never loved us any less. She devoted as much time as she could to us, and spent all her money trying to give us the best life she could give. It was a challenge when we were young, but we made it work.

         I remember holidays and birthdays being small and quaint. They were always being done at Grandma’s house. Grandma would also come over often to help watch us. We loved Grandma very much. She would bake us treats whenever we saw her, she would play games with us, read us stories, and make life a little easier on us all. It wasn’t a perfect scenario, but we made it work.

         My brother, Behn, and I were with each other all the time. A few of my friends would always complain how their brothers always picked on them. Sometimes I would overhear the boys talking about how their older sisters would sit on them and steal dessert. Again, I would hear some whine about their younger siblings getting all the good toys. But none of those scenarios fit for me. Behn was an incredible older brother. Somehow, he knew when dad was gone that he would need to be there for me. He was so brave. Whenever I was hungry he would give me his snacks, he always let me play with his toys, and he was always watching over me. Even when we hit middle school and high school, he still was always looking out for me. He helped me study, he comforted me when my first boyfriend broke my heart, he gave me everything and never expected anything in return. We never fought, either. I couldn’t bear to fight with someone who was so selfless.

         I was a sophomore in high school when Behn announced he had gotten accepted to a college in Texas, full ride. Mom was thrilled. In fact, she cried. She cried for him, she cried for me…she cried for herself. She was so proud, but she couldn’t help herself from being sad. I cried, too.

         Behn left, with a promising future. He would write to me all the time, telling me how much he missed mom and I. That’s when grandma got sick, however. Grandma had fallen ill about half way through my second semester. Mom went into a depression. She wouldn’t come out of her room and she ended up losing both jobs. Behn quit college and came back to take care of her. He got a job, cooked all the food, and even visited grandma frequently with the little time he had. Whenever I would ask him how he was he would brush me off saying he was fine. I could see through him though. He was miserable. He selflessly came back to take care of us, giving up his beautiful future. Sometimes I would plead with him to go back, to make something of himself, but that’s when the arguments would ensue. We would scream and throw things, and slam the door in each other’s faces. Mom never came out of her room.

         Grandma died during the beginning of Christmas Break of my junior year. I can’t count how many hours the three of us cried. That was the quietest Christmas we had. It was around New Years that Behn said he was going to go back to college. By then, mom had woken up from her state. She smiled and told him how proud she was of him, how she couldn’t thank him enough. I couldn’t speak though. I had lost someone dear to me, and it felt like I was losing another. Perhaps I wouldn’t have felt that way if I hadn’t fought with him.

         When we were at the airport, we didn’t speak. I held my head down in shame for shunning him, but yet…I couldn’t stop. Behn finally spoke before he got on the plane. He told me that he wasn’t coming back this time. It would be a long time before we saw each other again. He told me that he loved me and that when we next saw each other, that he wished I would be following my dreams. Most of all though, he wished for my happiness. I didn’t speak back, but I wish I had now. I cried the whole way home.

         Mom didn’t speak much about Behn after that. She had found a new job and got herself a boyfriend. It wasn’t that the man was a bad guy, but it just felt strange to see her with someone new. She hadn’t dated since my father had died. Chris was his name. He tried so hard to get close to me, but I just couldn’t do the same—He soon figured that out. We had an unspoken agreement; We were polite to each other, shot the breeze every once in a while, but we were never close. I was happy for mom though. She would come home laughing and smiling. Something I hadn’t seen in ages. She looked like she had gain ten years back of her life.

         I continued my studies and finished high school with a slight above average gpa. I got accepted into many colleges, but no full rides like Behn. I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to do with life. I decided to go to a college in the town nearby, though. It wasn’t too far of a commute. Because I had worked my off, I had finished my 4-year degree in only two years. Mom was so proud. It was only a week after I had graduated that she told me that she was going to marry Chris. I was shocked but happy for her. She had finally got her life back on track. I wasn’t so happy, however, when she told me her and Chris would be moving to California. It felt like my whole world had split in two. I hadn’t spoken to my brother in years and here my mom was getting hitched and leaving. She and Chris begged me to move down there with them. I called Behn that night. It felt so unfamiliar. He told me that the move would probably be good for me, but something about his voice told me he didn’t really have an answer. We hung up from that call without even uttering a goodbye. That’s when I sat in my bed and really thought about what I wanted in life…I didn’t have an answer, but I knew it wasn’t in California. That’s when I made the craziest decision of my life.

         “Lucy, baby-girl, are you sure you want to do this?” My mom squeezed my hand, her face filled with worry.

I smiled back, “I took Korean lessons for a reason. I have to do this.” She sighed, her face contorting with uncertainty. Chris patted her shoulder.

         “Lu, your mom is just worried. You’ve never even been to South Korea, let alone live there.” He rubbed the back of his neck, not making eye contact. It was my turn to sigh.

         “I know, but I WANT to go. I WANT to see what it’s like there. I want to discover ME.” I emphasized. My mom pulled me into a hug before pulling back to smile at me.

         “I know this is what is best for you, but please, don’t forget your mother.” I smiled back. Of course I wouldn’t. I then hugged Chris. He rubbed my back in reply.

         “If you ever need anything, we’re only a call away. We’ll always have spot for you if you ever change your mind and want to come back. I nodded, grabbing my bags and leaving. No turning back now.

         I gazed out the window, headphones in, as I reminisced about my childhood. I thought about mom, somehow, I knew she was in the car crying. I thought about Chris and how happy he made her. I thought about grandma. All her cookies, the way she read stories, all the times she came over; I would remember it all. I thought about my dad and wondered if he was looking down at me with pride. Then I thought about Behn. Mom was the one who told him I was leaving, but he never showed up to say goodbye. I thought about us as children. All the times he tucked me in, all the times he gave me his snacks, all the times he was there for me; I couldn’t forget any of it.

         I pondered on how he finally got to accomplish everything he wanted and I wondered how he was doing as we speak. I thought about the first fight and wondered why we started to drift apart. I promised myself that I would go to South Korea to find myself and then when I came back, he would be the first to see me. I want him to look at me the way he did when we were kids; with love. I wish he would be proud of me. With that, I closed my eyes thinking about my new home.