“I love you hyung, you should know that.” Hanbin kisses his forehead, nose, left cheek, right cheek, and his lips slightly. If there is a possibility being in heaven while still alive, then he must be in heaven now.
“I will never stop loving you,” He kisses Jiwon again, this time a little longer. “I will love you with all I might, even if the world wants me to stop, even if the universe tries to separate us. I will never stop loving you.”
“I know,” Jiwon kisses him back and deepens the kiss.
“God, I know,” Jiwon is looking into Hanbin’s eyes and all he sees is that extreme loves Hanbin has for him for all this time they’ve spend together. “I know you do.”
But it’s too late.
-2015

“I’ll have Hot Chocolate and Latte.” The waitress nods and smile.
Jiwon called two days ago. He said that he wants to meet with him here. Hanbin knew something big coming up. Well, by all means he is not blind and deaf. He knew what will Jiwon talks to him about. He knows that by the end of the day he will be alone again.
“Oh you here earlier than I thought you would.” Hanbin looks up to see smiling Jiwon.
“Well you said this is important, so here I am.” Jiwon’s smile brightens.
“Yes love, it is important.” Jiwon takes a seat in front of Hanbin’s. “You do know what am I going to tell you right?”
“Are we doing it right away?” Hanbin doesn’t want it to end just like that with a very short meeting, before Hanbin can say another word, the waitress back.
“One Hot Chocolate and one Latte,” She says while setting down two glasses on the table. “Anything else?”
“Anything else hyung?” Hanbin ask him
“Nope,” He says smiling to the waitress “It’s enough.”
Hanbin feels a sharp pain in his chest. Even though that Jiwon wasn’t say it to him, he knows, he always knew.
“Then enjoy your stay.” The waitress excuse herself. Hanbin thinks that she’s saying that to him, telling him to ‘enjoy your stay, before it’s over’.
Hanbin muster up a courage and ask “So what is it about?”
-2018

“I think that no matter how much I try I will never be good enough. I don’t deserve this.” He says looking into Jinhwan refection beside him “I don’t deserve any of this”
“We all know you don’t Jiwon.” Jinhwan try to look serious. All of them laugh at Jinhwan’s joke, beside both of them. Jinhwan is serious, Jiwon knows and he agree.
“You don’t have to do that, you know, it’s not your responsibility.” Jiwon break the eye contact and leave the room.
After Jiwon leave the room, Jinhwan can only sigh and think about the old time. Jinhwan thinks that maybe if he hasn’t asked Jiwon to audition here, they will never meet and this mess will never happen.
“Jiwon hyung is right you know hyung,” Jiwon is right? If only he knows what this is all about.
“Keep your mouth shut if you can only guess, June.” He glares at Junhoe.
“I know what happen, Mino hyung is my friend too you know.” For the first time in a long time Jinhwan thinks that maybe he can talk to someone else about the three of them, before doing something.
“Do you think that Jiwon and Mino better together?”
“Of course.” Junhoe answer without hesitation.
“But Hanbin is more suited for Jiwon, you know.” Jinhwan is still trying to keep his mind straight.
“What do you mean?” Junhoe ask, bewilder. “Aren’t you talking about the duo? Jiwon hyung and Mino hyung has a same vibe and besides, Hanbin hyung didn’t make it that far.”
Oh.
“You were talking about their unit duo?” Oh. He thinks again only he and Seunghoon who knows about them. “Ah yeah, I get it now.”
“Why? You were talking about something else?” Junhoe ask.
“Come on guys, we need to go.” Hanbin says only peeking at the studio. “Where’s the other?”
“Whoa I’m starving.” Donghyuk says, stuffing his bag with clothes and snack that left.
“Who?” Yunyeong ask while walking towards the exit, followed by everyone.
“Jiwon hyung leave a few minutes ago. I’ll call him.” Chanwoo says sitting down while taping his phone.
“Tell him it’s forty minutes.” Hanbin’s says.
“Ah Jiwon.” Yunyeong clap his hand together. “He must be with Winner hyung. he says he needs to talk about something with them before rehearsals.”
“Oh about the duo I suppose, with Mino hyung?” Chanwoo asks.
“What else could it be, maknae?” Yunyeong say playfully. “We will wait on cafeteria then.”
“Yes hyung.” Chanwoo answer.
“Do we need to talk?” Jinhwan whispers, walking beside Hanbin.
“Jiwon hyung, we need to go, where are you?” Hanbin heart skips a beat when he hears it, Jiwon didn’t answer his phone call earlier.
“Hold up Chanwoo ya. Jiwon duty calling! Hurry up.” Mino answer the phone, sound out of breath.
“I’m not duty, Mino hyung.” Hanbin stop walking when he hears Chanwoo on the phone. Jinhwan looks up at Hanbin as soon as he heard who answer the call.
“Hahaha, sorry sorry. Are you going to China again?” Hanbin watch closely at Chanwoo’s back. He knows what the other two is doing, he always knows from the start.
“Yes, we’re going to China again. Why?” Jinhwan look at Hanbin expression.
It’s almost funny at how their relationship going on. Probably the whole YG already know that Winner and iKON have something bigger than brotherhood, something that even bigger than what Bigbang member have, it’s 12 against 5 anyway.
It’s a secret that you can’t say it out loud, it’s a secret that everybody knows, and it will be better if you never talk about it. Directly.
“I’ll miss you guys.” Mino says after an awkward pause.
“Us? You mean Jiwon hyung, we never workout anyway.” Chanwoo laughs.
“Yeah, I will miss him, but I miss you too Chanwoo ya.” Chanwoo blushes at Mino’s comment, no matter how long it has been it’s always good with him.
“Really? You’ll miss him more. I know how good he is.” He laughs again. Chanwoo knows
“Yeah, do you know that you’re good too, better than Seunghoon, despite your age.” Chanwoo’s face becoming red now.
“We’re not supposed to talk about that hyung, I’m not legal yet.”
Mino laughs “Chanwoo ya, just come here if you can’t with the other iKON member, we all miss you, just ask Jiwon, if you don’t believe me.”
“Ah hyung, it’s six now? I don’t know. I thought it’s only the three of you.” Chanwoo says sarcastically, of course he knows, it’s always six of them.
“Yeah it’s all of us now. No boundaries. Not like the old time. We grew up.” Mino laugh makes Chanwoo really want to meet him. He’s not legal yet, so the other iKON member, beside Jiwon, still not included him, but he has more experience than all of them, beside Jiwon.“Please come with Jiwon when you come back. Please.”
“You sound desperate hyung, did Jiwon hyung leave you hanging?” Chanwoo slap himself hard in his mind. “I’ll be there if you beg me hyung.”
“Aye aye sir! I’ll come to your dorm to beg then.” Chanwoo heart racing, he knows that what they have been doing all this time is not right. He knows that if the other member knows it will be the end of him, especially Hanbin.
“Don’t!” Chanwoo finally come to his sense. “I’ll come there by myself.” Or not.
“Where is Jiwon hyung anyway?”
“Here Chanwoo ya.” Chanwoo startle to hear Jiwon voice.
“Hyung! You there all the time aren’t you?” Chanwoo screws, he knows he shouldn’t say yes. “I should know better, I made Mino hyung making that sound before, I should’ve know better.” He laughs. This is going to be fun he thought.
“Yes, I was here from the beginning.” They laugh, “You’re in trouble Chanwoo ya.”
“I know.” He says laughing, “You have forty minutes since I call hyung. We’ll be at the cafeteria.”
“Will be?” Mino asks out of breath.
“I’m still at the studio though, I’m going there now.” Chanwoo take his shoes and walk towards the exit.
“,” Chanwoo whisper dropping his arms “You still here Hanbin hyung, Jinhwan hyung?”
“Who?” Mino asks,
“I think Hanbin and Jinhwan hear our conversation with Chanwoo.” Jiwon says.
“Whoa, really?” Mino is busy tidying his cloths, “Is he going to be in trouble?”
“Maybe.” Jiwon laugh.
“Do I need to explain hyung?” Chanwoo asks, Hanbin and Jinhwan expression is hard to read, even for Chanwoo.
“Do we need to, hyung?” Hanbin asks Jinhwan instead.
“Don’t hold your breath Chanwoo ya.” Mino says on the other line.
“He can’t hear us.” Jiwon says
“Of course.” Jinhwan says after a long pause.
“Oh god, he’s screw.” Jiwon says to Mino.
-2016

“Hyung, are you sure?” Hanbin asks in a low voice.
“Why not?” Jiwon kiss him again.
“But you’re straight right?” Hanbin confuse now, he like Jiwon since the first time meeting him. Hanbin’s gay, since forever. Jiwon is not. That’s what he believes.
“Who says Hanbin?” Hanbin doesn’t know what to say, he wants it, but he scares that it will change everything.
They’re just lost on survival show Win a few months ago. The fact that he is gay, is a big problem alone and liking his band mate is going to make it even bigger. Right know the problem will getting bigger, Jiwon just ask him if he want to have with him. Hanbin can’t believe his ears the first time Jiwon said that, but right now, after Jiwon kiss him so passionately a few minutes ago, he doesn’t know what to believe.
“I’m asking you,” Jiwon’s voice bring Hanbin back to reality “Who says I’m straight?”
“You said that you had two ex-girlfriends before coming here?” Hanbin tries not to sound weird.
“I said that I had two relationships before coming here.” Jiwon says, still hugging Hanbin close.
“Are they…” Hanbin can’t bring himself to say it.
“Guy?” Jiwon finishes it for Hanbin “I’m good with both Hanbin.”
“But, hyung…” Hanbin still hesitates.
“Just this one time Hanbin.” Jiwon put his finger on Hanbin’s lip. “It’s just . If you don’t like it, then I will never ask again.”
Hanbin knows what to do. Push him and says no. they are already on a tight spot on YG, he doesn’t want any more trouble.
Instead all that, Hanbin just sigh and nod.
-2014

“Jiwon hyung,” Chanwoo walk out of the bathroom.
“What?” Jiwon turn to face him.
“Is Mino hyung sleeps yet?” Jiwon nods.
“Are you and Hanbin hyung…” Chanwoo ask hesitates “You know.”
“What?” Jiwon raise his eyebrow “?”
“Yeah that too.” Chanwoo chuckles.
“We do. Why?” He sits beside Jiwon.
“Do you know that Hanbin hyung like you?”
“Who doesn’t like me?” Chanwoo raise his eyebrow “Okay, I do know.”
“Do you like him too?” Chanwoo asks him. Jiwon sense it, that Chanwoo feels uncomfortable doing it with him and Mino or Seunghoon sometimes. Well, since Mix and Match start this is become a little intense.
“Not the way he likes me, though.” Jiwon knew, God he knew, how could he doesn’t know when Hanbin looks at him like that. That’s one of the reason he asks Hanbin to have the first time around.
“Are you still going to do it?”
“Why? You jealous?” Jiwon throw himself upon Chanwoo, straddle him.
“God, you’re so full of your self hyung.” He giggles and they’re kiss.
-2016

“Hanbin don’t make noise,” He whisper on Hanbin ears “You’re going to wake everyone.”
“You’re not helping at all hyung.” He his one more time and move to face Hanbin’s face.
“But you like it don’t you?” He kisses Hanbin, giving a taste.
“I’m dry already,” Hanbin whisper, his face is a mess, having for three times in a row exhaust him. “Just stop, hyung please.”
They both know what Hanbin means, but they both refuse to think that way. It’s more fun to pretend not to know.
-2016

“Jiwon don’t you feel something?” Mino ask Jiwon suddenly.
“What something?” Jiwon stop kissing Chanwoo and looks at Mino.
“Hanbin.” Mino come out from bathroom and sits in front of them.
“He’s too late you know, hyung.” Jiwon answer and start kissing Chanwoo again.
“What do you mean too late?” Chanwoo pull himself from Jiwon.
“I love him since the first time I met him?” Jiwon looks at Chanwoo confuse “Aren’t I told you already?”
“No!” Chanwoo jumps a little too fast and too loud.
“Whoa, okay okay, sorry.” Jiwon grab his arm and pull him back. “What makes you think I acted awkward for two weeks with him.”
“So you just stop?” Chanwoo asks again, this time a little calm.
“Yeah, I stopped after Win. I wonder why.” Jiwon looks nostalgic.
“So if he told you earlier than that, you probably be with him right now, not us?” Chanwoo looks surprise, how can this man in front of him just stop loving someone.
“Yeah, absolutely.” Jiwon answer without hesitation.
“You hyung?” Chanwoo still can’t believe what he just heard.
“Yeah, right?” Mino appear behind him, kissing his neck “This person can stop loving someone, hard to believe.”
“Are you sure that is love?” Chanwoo knows Jiwon from a very long time, he knows that no way in hell he’s lying right now. “No, no, no, I mean are you sure you stopped?”
“Can he be here if he didn’t?” Mino says “After he knows how much Hanbin love him? I don’t think he can.”
“Yeah.” Chanwoo says and turn to kiss Mino deeper.
Jiwon just smile looking at them.
-2016

“I’m going.” Jiwon shout
“Where?” Jinhwan and Donghyuk asks.
“Out.” Jiwon answer. “Where’s Chanwoo?”
“Here.” Chanwoo shout and come out from his room.
“Come on, we’re going to be late.” Jiwon says walking to the door.
“Are you two meeting up with Mino hyung?” Jinhwan asks. Hanbin keep his eyes on his phone, they just come back from China and Japan like ten hours ago.
Chanwoo startles by Jinhwan question. He just got a good scolding before coming back to Seoul about Mino and and he know will get it again soon, so he just going to do what he wants to do and get a scolding again, but Jinhwan question makes him question his choice again, he sounds angry, not concern and that scare him a little.
“Yeah, you know the reason already, why stopping us? It’s none of your business anyway, hyung.” Jiwon answers nearly make Chanwoo wants to punch him, hard.
It seems like not just Chanwoo who caught off guard, but the other member too. Donghyuk and Yunyeong who watching their favorite show turn their attention, Junhoe whose eating is watching them intensely and even Hanbin who try not to care turn fix his gaze to them.
“Are you two fight?” Yunyeong asks despite a strong atmosphere around.
“Are we, hyung?” Jiwon answer again, this time with a calmer voice. Without waiting for an answer he takes his jacket and drag Chanwoo out the dorm.
“Hyung, what happen?” Donghyuk asks Jinhwan who still staring at the door.
“Nothing.” Jinhwan answer and looks at Hanbin. Hanbin on the other hand, rather than shock or disappointed, looks sorry.
“What?” Jinhwan can contain his anger anymore. “You should have said something.”
“What can I said hyung?” Hanbin ask and leave.
“Jiwon hyung, did you and Jinhwan hyung have a fight or something?” Chanwoo asks him. He feels something off between Jiwon and Jinhwan.
“Yeah,” Jiwon sigh “A pretty big one.”

A few days ago.
“Jiwon can you just think before do anything?” Jinhwan is angry, he is totally angry with Jiwon.
“Hyung, it’s not Jiwon hyung fault.” Hanbin stopping Jinhwan from punching Jiwon. “It’s not like what you’re thinking.”
“Hanbin look at yourself!” There’s a lot of bruises in Hanbin’s body, a few of them is already blue, and Jinhwan knows that it hurts like hell.
“Did you do it to yourself?” Jinhwan asks again not looking for answer, but for making a point. Hanbin doesn’t know what to say. “No, right?”
Jiwon knows that his sorry for Hanbin is no longer necessary, especially when he doesn’t really mean it.
“Come on, hyung” Jiwon says “He said it himself, it’s not my fault”
Jiwon looks at Hanbin for the last time before leaving the room.
“Hanbin,” Jinhwan says in a lower voice “You should stop doing this, I know that you love him, but this is not healthy.”
“I know hyung.” Hanbin just stand there not knowing what to say.
“It hurt isn’t it?” Jinhwan asks him again, “The bruise?”
They both laugh bitterly.
“I almost can’t feel any more physical pain, hyung.” Hanbin touch his bruise and then his chest “This is the only place that hurt.”
-2016

Jiwon knows that Hanbin love him, He knew. Hanbin confirm it himself when he was drunk two years ago. Jiwon almost feels sorry for him. He knows that no matter how hard he try, Hanbin and him will never be together in this life. He knows that, Hanbin knows that, everybody knows that.
“Hyung it’s okay,” Hanbin says “You don’t have to worry.”
“That’s not what I’m worrying for Hanbin.” Jiwon looks intensely at Hanbin. Don’t be like this Hanbin, you make me feel worse.
“I know.” Hanbin says. I know that you don’t love me the way I do.
-2017

“You deserve someone who loves you with every beat of their heart, Hanbin. You deserve someone who will make time for you on their busiest day. I hurt you more than I have ever loved you, I don’t worth your pain, I will never be.” Jiwon start.
Hanbin knew this is coming, but hearing it from Jiwon himself makes him feel more miserable and lonely. He knew that his love will never be enough. He knew that Jiwon have been struggling all this time for him.
“It’s me who’s not good enough for you. It’s me you should blame, not yourself. I mean it, Hanbin.”
Hanbin just smile, if he says something he will cry and once he cries he will never stop. Hanbin wants to at least leave a good memory of their last meeting with Jiwon. He doesn’t know when they will meet again, since iKON is no longer exists and Jiwon will move back to U.S. he doesn’t know.
“I’m leaving tomorrow, by the way, and I don’t know when I’ll come back here.”
“I know.” Hanbin says. “And I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” Jiwon stand up and leave.

Airport, next day
“Are you sure you just leave like this, Jiwon?” Mino asks give him a bagel.
“What else I could do, hyung?” Jiwon takes his bagel and eat it without thinking much.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” Chanwoo try to catch his breath “I forgot my passport and need to comeback home again.”
“Ya! How can you leave something important like that!” Mino hit him.
“Ouch, I said sorry hyung.” Chanwoo says caressing his shoulder.
“What Jinwoo hyung said to you hyung?” Chanwoo asks Mino and sat beside him, eating his bagel.
“The member didn’t say much. I think they hate me now.” Mino answers. “How about you?”
“They all hate me, I guess. I don’t know. Yesterday is more like a fight than a farewell.” Chanwoo looks at Jiwon. “How about you Jiwon hyung?”
“I only met Hanbin yesterday.” Jiwon answer quietly. “Exactly as you guys said.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it to be like that.” Chanwoo says apologetically.
“Why are you sad?” Mino asks Jiwon.
“Ah hyung, you really don’t get it do you?” Chanwoo hit Mino playfully. “This hyung never stop loving Hanbin hyung. It’s just that something came up.” He finishes with whispering.
“Yeah, you right.” Jiwon says.
“Ah, that’s why you leave that letter do you?” Mino asks finally grabs the situation.
“What letter hyung?” Chanwoo is the one who doesn’t know this time.
“Apologize?” Jiwon says. “Telling him that when this is over, if he still wants me, we finally can be together?”
“Are you serious?” Mino and Chanwoo asks, surprise. Mino doesn’t know what inside the letter.
“I know, I know, I did wrong right?” Jiwon close his eyes and tears come out.
“Yes!” Chanwoo shout “I mean no, I mean you should have just tell him about everything, hyung, he will understand, every single one of them will understand.”
“It’s too late now.”
-2018

Hanbin, I’m sorry.
Everything that I told you is a lie. When I said that I don’t love you like you love me is a lie. The truth is I love you more than anything. You are the only reason why even at the saddest part of my life, I smile, even at confusion, I understand, even in betrayal, I trust, even when I fail, I keep trying, I love you so much that even in fear of pain, I love, and I hope that even if I struggle right know to stay alive, I survive. I love so much, that I don’t even know the different between love and pain. I’ll give you my life Hanbin, without a doubt.
Meeting you in the years ago is the best thing that ever happens in my life. I just know the moment I saw you that you would be so important to me to the point of making you hurt. Not that I want to, but eventually you will get hurt because of my selfishness. It will never be good for my heart being so close with you knowing that I can never have you. Not that I care thought, I love your company more than anything I could ever wanted. That causes a little trouble here and there. I like the idea of us together, do you? You confess to me once you know, when you’re drunk. Honestly that make me really self-conscious around you and since I know I can't be with you, I retreat slowly from you, hanging out with the other company to at least feel something else, don’t blame Mino hyung and Chanwoo for this. The thing that I care about is how you deal without me being around you as much as I want to. Well, for some reason I bleed big time for that.
I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I'm so ing sorry, Hanbin. I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry I hurt you? I'm sorry I have to leave like this? I'm just sorry for everything I did.
I can’t really explain what happen for me to do things I did, even after I know you love me too. I’ll explain someday if I can, if you still want me too and if you still want me around, I will be very happy and I promise you that I will love you and pay for ever hurting you like this.
If I can’t, maybe Mino hyung or Chanwoo will help me with that. Hanbin I hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry.
You deserve someone better than me Hanbin, a lot better, and don’t ever think to says and I’m the best for you, because I’m not and never be. You deserve someone who can be with you when you needed him, who can love you till you gets old. You deserve it Hanbin, more than you ever know.
Lastly, I hope that today is not the last time we meet. I hope that we’ll meet again in the future. Be happy Hanbin, I who brought you pain is gone.

Yours
Kim Ji won