Nathan had been home for the past two hours when there was a knock at his door.  It was unusual for him to receive a caller on a Thursday evening at all.  Yuri never even called around on a Thursday night.  Neither did Ryan.  Thursday night was usually silent, something he usually made the most of.  He walked to the door of his apartment, turned the latch and opened the wooden barrier.

It was Yuri’s presence on the other side reminded him that there was a first time for everything.

“Can I come in?” she asked meekly, after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah … yeah, sure,” Nathan held the door open for her to pass.  She walked down the small hallway into his living area.  “Can I get you something?  Coffee, tea, water?”

Yuri shook her head and remained standing in the middle of the room.  She had turned to face him now and he could notice the look of fear in her eyes.  If he was honest, her entire body language screamed anguish, fear, sorrow, self-torment, and pain, even though she remained silent.  The silent scream was so loud he was sure the Hubble telescope would have detected it.  He could see her trying to form sentences, making an attempt to start the conversation.  Nothing was forthcoming, and it was obvious that this was frustrating her even more.  Asking if she was ok would have been the dumb question to ask, because it was obvious she wasn’t.  Asking what was wrong would also be dumb because she was clearly trying to explain, and adding more pressure on her would not be the right thing to do.  He watched her fidgeting nervously, her inability to maintain eye contact.  He could see that this was not an easy topic to broach, and one she was not looking forward to doing.  An intense silence hung in the room for a few minutes.

“Nathan …” Yuri finally started.  “I …” She stopped and changed her tact.  “You know how …”  She stopped again, struggling greatly.

He smiled, familiar with how this conversation went.  “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you,” he stepped in, calmly and resignedly.

Her face fell, guilt flooding across her features, showing he was right.

“I’m sorry, I really am,” she almost cried.  “I really like you, you’re a really nice guy, but …”

“I’m jealous, possessive, and you want your freedom?” he smiled.

“You make me sound like a heartless ,” she muttered.

Nathan laughed a little and walked closer to her.  “No, Yuri, you’re not a heartless .  I … I get it.  I shouldn’t let my past relationships rule how I am in new ones.”

“We all have our hearts broken, Nathan, even me,” she confessed.  “I’ve told you about them, but they’re in the past.  Just because your exes said you weren’t enough, doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person.”

“But … I’m not enough for you, am I,” Nathan admitted timidly.  “I mean,” he clarified, “it’s obvious.  You’re breaking up with me.  If I was enough … you wouldn’t be.  And I’m not giving you what you want, so …” he nodded.  “I understand.”

Yuri looked at him, realising the addition to his insecurities she had handed him.  “Listen, Nathan, you are a wonderful guy …”

“I know,” he nodded.  “I’m funny, I’m sweet, I’m kind, I’m all that.  I know.  I’m a wonderful boyfriend, possibly even ideal husband material.”  He smiled softly and placed his hand on her upper arm.  “Just not … your ideal husband.”

“Now I really do sound like some kind of heartless ,” she complained, but accepted his sincerity.

Nathan smiled warmly at her.  “It’s fine, really.  You’ve done something very few people have, actually.  You were honest to me about how you feel.”  He took a deep breath before continuing.  “How long have you been thinking like this?”

Yuri looked away from him and fidgeted again.  “About … a week?”

Nathan nodded.  “Ok.”  It was seconds later that realisation dawned on him.  “When you went to the party.  After our argument.”

Yuri nodded slightly.  “But …” she muttered, “I ... it … this might have … happened … even if we didn’t argue …” She couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

“What do you mean?”

Her eyes closed, her will to hide her heart strong.  She kept it locked away, this deep secret locked behind a stone door, impenetrable to all others, with only one key to unlock it.  It was something only she knew and never wanted reveal to anyone.

“What’s his name?” Nathan asked, gently and calmly.

‘Damn him’, she cursed herself.  She looked up at him, wondering how he could have known someone else had taken his place.  She felt more of her heart break away and crumble as he gazed back at her, his smile masking hurt that she could not imagine.

“It’s ok,” he comforted her.  “It’s not exactly the first time someone I love has left me for someone else.”

She lowered her eyes.  Not only had she broken his heart, but she had shown herself to be just like the rest.  No wonder he was so insecure.  He deserved much better.  She could feel his eyes on her and, even though she wasn’t looking at him, she could see his smile in her mind.  She took a deep breath.  She owed him this much at least.

“Siwon,” she mumbled.

Nathan looked confused.  “Your … stripper friend?” he asked, not sure if he was thinking of the right Siwon.

She nodded softly, scared.  “I … I hadn’t seen him for … for a long time.  When we were in school together … I had the biggest crush on him.  Like …” she sighed heavily, “… I would draw hearts on my book with his name in them and I would imagine us getting married.  I even …” she laughed nervously, “I even named our children.  That’s how crazy I was about him.  He was everything to me.”

Nathan sat on the chair and watched and listened as Yuri confessed.  She didn’t just idolise the guy, she genuinely loved him.  Nobody could compare to Siwon, not even him.  She told how every year since middle school, she had sent a Valentine’s card to him anonymously, along with a gift, and hoped one day he would try to find out who it was.  Throughout school, he never did approach her, only the occasional glances in her direction and the odd smile; nothing more than others had been afforded.  He never made a show of how someone had given him anonymous cards or gifts; it was almost as though it had never happened, although she knew he had received them and let herself believe that he read each one of them.  After school, they had not seen each other until Victoria’s hen night.  After grabbing him alone, she finally confessed to her crush on him in school and was astounded to know he felt the same way.  Her recent meetings with her friend were with him, although they had gone out strictly as friends to catch up on their missed years.  She had made no secret of her relationship with Nathan and Siwon had respected that, but her love for him had not only been rekindled, but it shone brighter than any flame she had ever known, and when she confessed this to him not one hour earlier, he again admitted he felt the same about her.  And now she was sitting on Nathan’s sofa, ending her relationship with him.  She didn’t want him any longer.

“I don’t mean you’re not a great guy,” she placated him.  “The dates you’ve taken me on … I don’t think anyone could ever do that to me again, not even Siwon.  But …”

“You love him and always have,” Nathan smiled, nodding in understanding.

“I’m sorry,” Yuri apologised.  “I didn’t mean for it to be like this.”

He laughed and shook his head, dismissing her apology.  “It’s fine.  I get it.  Really, I do.”

She shook her head, disagreeing with him.  “No … it’s not right.”

“Yuri,” he sat forward on his chair and clasped his hands in front of him.  “It’s not me, it’s you.  You fell in love with someone and you’ve carried this flame for him for a long time.  I wouldn’t have stood a chance, would I?”  He smiled as she shook her head guiltily.  “It’s fine.  I know that feeling.  I’ve had crushes or past loves that, at one point, I would have walked to the end of the earth for.”  He got up and sat with her.  “Besides, you didn’t cheat on me, did you?”

She immediately sat bolt upright.  “No, of course not!” she furrowed her brow at the rhetorical non-accusation.

“Then it’s fine!” he laughed.  “Really.  You’re in love with the guy, you’ve told him to wait until you call things off with me … and you’ve been brutally honest with me about it.  I can’t hold anything against you.  So … just be happy with him, ok?”

Yuri looked at him with disbelief.  “How can you be so ok with this?” she asked.  “I mean …”

He shrugged, interrupting her delayed answer.  “I’ve been in this position before, Yuri.  I understand.  Look,” he explained, taking her hand in his.  “You could have lied to me, right?  You could have hidden Siwon from me. It would have been so easy to do, but you didn’t.  You were honest.  Most women I’ve dated haven’t wanted to be honest about why they were leaving me because it would ‘break my heart’.  Then I find out the truth and I just find myself thinking ‘Why didn’t you just tell me?  Did I not deserve that honesty?’  You didn’t do that.  You told me the truth.  I’m grateful for that.”

Her cheeks flushed.  “It’s not that you’re not a good guy, because you are.  And …” she looked away from him.  “I don’t want to lose you.  I don’t know if I ever loved you, but I know I liked you.  And you … you’ve been a good friend to me, as well as a boyfriend.  Can we … at least stay as friends?”  Nathan sighed.  “I mean, we’d have to stay civil, right?  You’re not going to just stop coming to the diner, are you?”

“No, I’m not going to stop …” he took a deep breath.  “Sure.  I … I guess we can …”

She looked at him.  “You ‘guess’?”  He composed himself, searching for the right thing to say.  How to get this frustration out of his mind.

“Is there someone else?” she asked, mostly in hope.

He nodded solemnly.

“You’ve had a crush on someone?”

Another solemn nod.

There was a pause, as realisation set in.  “Whilst you were with me?”

He closed his eyes and sighed.

“I guess I can’t complain, can I?”  She smiled at him and laughed nervously.

“I’m sorry,” Nathan started.

She shook her head and smiled.  “It’s fine, really.”  She lowered her eyes and then looked back up at him.  “Do you still see her?”

He nodded, guiltily.

“So she’s living over here then, right?”

“Yuri …”

“It- it’s fine.  Honestly,” she assured him, although it kind of felt more like she was assuring herself.  “I mean, isn’t this basically what I’ve done?  Loved someone who wasn’t you?”  He sighed and rested his head in his hands.  “Besides, you … you still thought … you thought that I was more important than her, right?”

“Yes, of course I did,” Nathan lifted his head and took hold of her hands again.  “You were always more important than she was.”

Yuri laughed.  “I know.  You kept her locked away in your heart whilst I could do what I wanted.  I … I was more important than her.  But I meet a guy I’ve had a crush on, he says he likes me, and I’m prepared to give up a guy who … you know, is kinda pretty amazing.  You don’t deserve someone who will do that to you.  You deserve a loyalty that I just couldn’t give to you.  So … really.  It’s fine.”

It took for that admission to make her realise that it was, in actual fact, completely fine.  Not just for him to love this woman, but for her to love Siwon.  The fact that they had both kept crushes outside of the relationship showed her, clearer than anything, that they were not right for each other.  Perhaps remaining as friends would be better for them.  She knew she cared for him and he cared deeply about her, but the love she once had had long gone, as much as it pained her to admit it to him.  But now, things made sense.  The feelings she was getting, the thing that was amiss.  It wasn’t anything about him.  It was about her, completely and utterly about her.  She needed that certain something that Nathan just could not give to her, no matter how hard he tried.  That thing that no person could name, but a few had.  That certain ‘je ne sais quoi’.  Nathan just did not have it, and it was more than likely that Siwon did.

They sat together for a few moments, only the background noises of the air conditioning unit and Nathan’s quiet playlist preventing them from falling into complete silence.

“Tell me about her,” Yuri coaxed.

“What?”

“This girl you like.  Tell me about her,” she smiled.  “Look, I don’t want to lose a friendship with you, ok?  I like you a lot.  Besides, if she’s here, maybe I can help you.  Please?”

He shook his head.  “Yuri, I can’t …”

“Please?”

He looked up to her and saw her, eyes wide with hope, eager to set him on his new path for love.

“What about Siwon?  Aren’t you supposed to be meeting with him?”

She sat for a second, before taking out her phone, tapping at the screen and holding it to her ear.  “Si?  It’s Yuri.  Listen … can we meet tomorrow?  I’m sorry, but I need to stay with Nathan tonight.  Don’t worry, nothing’s happened, but … I want to stay with him.  See if I can help him with this new girl he likes.”  There were a pause as Siwon spoke.  “I know, but I’m breaking up with him and we’re cool with that,” she replied softly.  “I still care about him, though.  He’s a nice guy, so … we’re staying as friends.  At least for now.  If things get too awkward between us, our friendship will go.”  She looked at Nathan for confirmation, which he gave with a nod.  There was another pause.  “No,” she laughed sweetly.  “I want you.  I’ve wanted you for a long time.  One more day won’t hurt, right?  Just … let me help Nathan, ok?  He’s been so good to me and I want to do something to help him, and if he has someone else in his heart, then I want to help him reach out to her.” She looked at Nathan and gave him a soft, apologetic smile.  “It’s the least I can do for him.”  Another pause.  “Thank you.  I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”  The pair said their goodbyes and Yuri hung up.

“So,” she declared.  “Now that I’m here for a few more hours, tell me everything about her.”

 

~~~

 

“So it’s over between you two?” Sooyoung sat at the bar before the diner opened.

Yuri nodded, straightening her uniform and started brushing down the bar.  “I can’t stay with him if I’m in love with someone else.  It’s not right.  It’s not fair.”

Seohyun shook her head.  “I don’t know how to be around him now.”

Yuri laughed.  “Don’t worry!  He and I are still friends.  You can have a friendship with him too, you know.  Besides,” she said with a sly grin.  “Turns out I wasn’t the only one in his heart.”

“What?” the pair chorused.

“He was cheating on you?” Sooyoung asked.

“What?  No!” Yuri cried.  “He didn’t cheat on me.  He gave me the most important place in his heart, he never wanted to be with anyone else.  Just … he kept a little of his love for someone else.”

“How could he do that?” Seohyun shook her head.

“Hey, what I did was worse,” Yuri chided her.  “We both had feelings for someone else, but Nathan never went ahead and pursued it, even though he saw her sometimes.  I did.  He kept his feelings locked away, but I didn’t.”

Sooyoung curled her lips, quietly judging both Nathan and Yuri.  Her reverie was interrupted by their shorter waitress arriving for the morning shift.  “Well, hello there!  How’s our dirty stop-out this morning?” she teased, turning to face Sunny.  “I guess everything went well?”

“What happened?” Yuri asked, having missed this part of the discussion.

“Sunny stayed over at Ryan’s place last night.”

“She did?  You did?” Yuri’s face brightening.

Sunny nodded, a smile on her face.  “It went … ok.”

“Just ‘ok’?” Sooyoung asked, perturbed.

She nodded.  “He didn’t like the dance that much, but it’s alright.  We had a good night.”

Hyoyeon poked her head through the open kitchen hatch.  “Did you just say he didn’t like your dance?”

Sunny laughed slightly and nodded.  “It’s ok,” she comforted.  “Guess his tastes are a little finer than that.”

“Wait, you want to catch me up?” Yuri asked.

“After the party we went to, I decided I’d dance for him.  No big deal, just a little routine and … you know …”

“Did you still end up in bed?” Sooyoung asked.

She nodded, blushing a little.

“And?”

Sunny laughed.  “I thought Taeyeon would be the one asking all this.”

“Well, I’m asking, ok?”

“And I’m leaving,” Yuri shook her head and walked away.

“Me too,” Seohyun followed suit.

“Wimps,” Sooyoung laughed.  “Well?  What happened?”

“I’ve never told anybody anything after a night with any guy,” Sunny humorously chided her friend.  “What makes you think I’ll do anything differently now?”  With that, she turned around and walked into the office, putting her rucksack into the locker.

“I asked, girl!  I want to know how Major Hot Stuff is in the sack!”

Taeyeon left the staff room as Sunny walked in, hearing Sooyoung’s comment and seeing her companion’s expression.  The laughter on her face at leaving her friend in the dark, the shake of her head ignoring the question.  Sunny shut the door behind her as Taeyeon made her way past the bar and to the kitchen.

“He was crap,” the chef reported to the taller waitress.

“What?”

She nodded.  “No limping, no raspy voice.  I’m even betting she faked it.”

Sooyoung laughed and walked away, leaving her colleague to her chores.