Tainted Love

It’s here in the dark room of their dorm and the silence of the night that Yunhyeong believes he has truly found the meaning of peace in.

The steady breathing and the warmth of the body that is snuggled up beside him reassures and hushes him like a heavy blanket of security. Washes away that weakening stress and adds a crossing luster to the inky, almost foggy air surrounding them in such a deceptive cloak. It makes him feel so different. Courageously more of what he wants to be and a little less of what he's supposed to be, what he should have been.

Dangerously close to what he authentically is and can't help but be.  

And maybe the only way he can ever be granted peace is when Chanwoo’s head carelessly lays on his chest, with one long lean arm thrown over his waist in such a protective soothing manner. Or maybe this sense of peace is a mirage and honestly, who's he trying to fool because of course it’s Chanwoo who takes him to the closed doors of heaven and back again. Can only ever be.  

It’s unquestionably been awhile.

A long time since Chanwoo and him even had the time to just laze around in bed without lingering thoughts of having to take responsibility tomorrow and act like the pin up idols they've been made out to be. To fully belong to one another and bask in the afterglow of their forbidden pleasures, their so wrongfully right pleasures. It sure has become inanely hard for them to spend extensive amounts of private time together, sometimes... well most of the time now exhaustion and lack of sleep taking over their battered bodies. Pushing them all into unhealthy cycles of late nights and just as early mornings.

But tonight, the boy is completely his and belongs exclusively to him and only him. He has no watchful eyes and lingering presences to fight off, or fight with because he knows he has the young singer's full attention. Knows that every frail needy thought, every softly hushed sound, and every beautiful dimly lit expression revolves solely around him. He greedily has everything the brunette lets loose, everything for his eyes and ears alone.

Yunhyeong drags his hands through Chanwoo’s sweat stricken hair and he fully enjoys the sensation of those soft damp locks between his tingling fingers. “It feels like forever since we’ve been like this.” He declares, gently running his sinking hands down Chanwoo’s smooth with a mellow delicateness like he's afraid the flesh beneath his prints will ignite under every worshiping touch.

The abrupt statement has Chanwoo lifting his head and crawling his body up Yunhyeong’s torso until their gazes meet on a clear plateau. That playful smirk is quickly turning into an adorable frown as he knits his brows and questions “Hyung, what about at the hotel?” And his warm, mocking breath is ghosting past Yunhyeong’s cheeks as he roughly giggles. 

“No, I mean like this.” Yunhyeong mutters, hugging the brunette tighter in hopes that the boy will catch on and stop joking around but Chanwoo’s only dully humming as he begins to move. Soon those thick thighs are spread across his waist and slim heavy hands are coming to rest on either side of his head in a poor attempt at pinning him to the bed. He slyly peers at the hovering profile of his boyfriend who he's passively trapped beneath, daring him to continue because this position won’t be lasting very long and neither will this reversal of dominance.

Not for long at all and he's easily pushing himself up until he's sitting with Chanwoo nicely seated in his lap and has those boney arms dangling loosely off his shoulders. A simple act that means entirely too much on the stance of what they are and what this is.

Peace?

He feels completely contempt in the engulfing and blissful presence that is Chanwoo, like there is no other paradise left in existence as excellent as the nirvana the other can bestow upon him within seconds.

Their faces are inches apart, so remarkably close that Yunhyeong can see the brightness in Chanwoo’s enchanting honest eyes and the light chapping of his plump still swollen lips. They don't dare move, or look away. Sights locked in explicit entrancement and aggressive hesitation in fear of forgetting, or missing something if they move away.

The funny thing about it all is that he can't fathom what he’s trying to tell Chanwoo with a simple look, but he knows it’s something and for some odd reason he feels like Chanwoo understands. Understands all those words and emotions he can’t even begin to string together, or spew out. The tentative juvenile has always been like that, always been able to read between the bold lines and see behind the obstructed pictures that paint him in distorted shades.

To read him like a pre-schooler’s book and strangely enough, he's okay with that because why shouldn't he be when he routinely has the boy bending over backwards for him and readily complying to ludicrous wishes he knows the adolescent doesn’t quite follow.

But that's just another unnecessary thought that really doesn’t matter right now because he has an extremely alluring, obedient Chanwoo spread across his lap and it’s utterly breathtaking.

So strikingly perfect that Yunhyeong can’t help but kiss at that little button nose until the boy is scrunching it and whispering, “Ah hyung, please don’t tease me.” There's no time to laugh at the other's blatant request, because Chanwoo’s already eagerly grapping at his chin and roughly chipping it up. He can feel the younger's mouth brushing faintly against his own in such a provoking phantasm peck and he can’t bare this agonizing anticipation with the heavy need to devour eating away at his patience.

All it takes is one sultry look to have their lips meeting in a light yet expressive kiss and much to his own disapproval, it's ending just as fast as Chanwoo had cheekily initiated it. He pouts and peers up, his hooded gloomy eyes soon gleaming as he notices the pink flush adorning Chanwoo’s chubby cheeks. Those beat red lips, dropping heavy lids and tinted skin, it's all a sinister reward.

A wickedly pleasing candy sweet reward and he feels truly victorious with it on his plate.

“I told you to use my lip balm.” He nags, but he's leaning in for another longer kiss regardless and Chanwoo’s dexterously easy to comply. It's crazy how beautifully ardent Chanwoo is to give everything away to him. How every breath, every kiss, every bitter life problem is his for the keeping and that alone does wonders to his very weak self-esteem that prospers in the wake of Chanwoo's constant reliance.

They stay there, silently enjoying the connection of their mouths and only break when they both run out of staggering breath to spare.

Yunhyeong pulls away and he doesn’t miss the down turn of Chanwoo’s now glossy lips, or the soft displeased whine that's blowing past his skin as the brunette's head descends to knead sorrowfully at his chest and something's not right. A sudden rush of concern coated in that syrupy, sticky fear is erupting so rapidly from within and it's becoming nauseatingly dense. Enhancing his want to push Chanwoo off him and consume. Pin his beloved to this bed just to force those pouts away and show him the exact reason he stays, the reasons he can’t leave or say no.

However, that little sigh has Yunhyeong frozen and squinting down questioningly into Chanwoo's peeked eyes in a silent plead for answers to this drastic change in mood. But the younger merely retreats, burying his face flatter against his moistening and sweltering skin. He can't stop his thrashing heart from racing with this shallow doubt as he waits, because he doesn’t want Chanwoo to declare this as their last night together or tell him to leave.

Does Chanwoo not want him anymore? Is that what this has come to?

And he waits for the worse.

“You know I hate it, hate that we can never spend time together. That we have to hide and sneak around.” Chanwoo murmurs and he can feel that hot hesitant breath steaming at his neck from where the boy's face is now hidden. The bitter confession has him instantly sighing and loosely hugging Chanwoo's shoulders in relief.

He undoubtedly grasps all that sensitive agitation, has been fighting its menacing duplicate since the beginning.

“I know, baby.” He agrees, now rubbing circles into Chanwoo’s . Gliding his palms up Chanwoo’s shoulders and massaging the plush flesh resting there. He dances his fingers across the conspicuous marks that dust those very shoulders and admires them with fragile touches, too afraid they'll disappear right before his eyes. These love bites, they're his personal branding and authoritative claim to the body in his arms. 

Yunhyeong can’t blame Chanwoo, because he himself knows the gravity of those emotions all too well.

He remembers the day they came out to the group like a freshly conceived and polished memory, a memory as delicate as a capsuled rose. It had been after continuous and entirely puzzling closeted experimentation that only ever escalated into those full blown, not so secretive make out escapes he's sure the others knew about. A mutual understanding that had them both nervously admitting to feelings that bore more than just the heated lust filled sentences and rushed touches they par took in. More then just the faze they spent weeks telling themselves it was.

That was shortly after the airing of mix and match and to say it had shocked the members is a blatant understatement. He still remembers Hanbin’s exact words and the very stressful worries they painfully produced.

“Well I don’t know what to say, I think it’s... well I think it’s weird, but I can deal with that. I’m not going to tell you what you two can and can’t do. It’s your choice. Just remember, the team always comes first.”

It all bitterly rings throughout his ears like a bellowing bell on replay and the chiming consent in Hanbin's ruling voice still does little to shield the dread of not being able to openly court Chanwoo, or have that classical romantic relationship he had spend his entire adolescence dreaming about. Of wanting.

That's when he believes he had changed, when things started to twist and complicate within this chaotic self that's greatly become him. When value and worth began to not make much sense, or become moralistically ethical anymore.

Where's the cut line and breaking point to this unorthodox behaviour?

It was an unanimous group decision. One that involved desperate, unfair measures as to not expose the 'new couple' and keep the reality of the truth a secret. It fell against him and Chanwoo in every way possible and never once had he a say, or a choice in the matter.

Broken.

His heart was broken and that night he had cried intensely hard into Chanwoo’s loving embrace. Clutching onto the younger with closed fists until he could no longer sense every forbidden burn his group mates were denying him and until he had no choice but to numbingly accept it.

That youthful prosperous love, it had been stolen away from them and left to be played out in the banishing darkness.

Recalling all the betrayal he had felt, it’s a painful reminder of how hurt he had been and how hurt he still is. Having that painted ownership is a sheltered desire left only for him to longingly imagine and yearn for. He wants nothing more then to rebel and riot because everyone in the world should know how much of Chanwoo is his. Clearly show them all how he's the only one with a single right to look at ikon’s Maknae with impure, lustful flashes and flaunt it. Brag about how easily he can take Chanwoo’s eyes for himself and himself alone to the endless trail of envious suiters wishing the young man were theirs.

Secure his assets the best way he knows how.

'My type' had been the hardest extent of time he ever had to withstand and the sweetness of debut could never mask the underlining bitter flavours. It was then that the team noticed how close they were getting on camera and decided that it would be best if they ‘played’ around with the other members when out in public. A condemning conclusion that untimely resulted in them both spending time with opposing companions in a constant battle at avoidance and misleading innuendos. 

Yunhyeong fully accepts the copious amount of jealousy he has, because at the end of the day it's still his boyfriend relishing in the presence of another man team mates or not and still his boyfriend who's becoming so universally loved by such dogmatic fans. He tries so hard to believe in the denial of just friendship, that Bobby's just clingy and that they're just incredibly close because Chanwoo swore him to be the chosen one and the only one worth cuddling up to at night.

Yet, he still worries and fearfully keeps numerous tabs on Chanwoo. Always watching the younger’s every move like a hawk on a mouse, just to be safe... just to make sure.  

To say that he's not envious of Bobby and how easily that bunny toothed friend of his can touch Chanwoo, is an obvious lie. The rapper can throw relaxed loving arms around the boy in front of large heaps of fans and him, well he needs to be careful. Needs to make sure the fans don’t suspect any form of relationship that goes beyond the realms of brotherhood because that’s his job, Hanbin made it his job and what hurts more is that he understands where s are coming from.

He too would rather have fans question a fake relationship then the real and genuine one, but that doesn’t stop the straining sickness.

It's agonizing. Full of untrue sentences that he's forced to push past his lips when the cameras are rolling and the constant fear of cracking those eggshells he's been delicately walking across. Always making sure he's not standing too close, or starring too long, and that also involves keeping these heated wanting lips to himself when around such a precious prized belonging. One that he can't help but want to kiss. Every time he unconsciously gets closer, or anxiously selfish he always has Hanbin’s disapproving grunts to pull him back to reality and the stage where hundreds of fans are focusing so intensely on them. 

Regardless, all that deceitful and dishonest cowering from family, from the fans, from himself, it all bore holes in Yunhyeong’s heart. No matter how long they've been in the spotlight... no matter how long they’ve been hiding and how long they'll continue to hide, the sin will always be there murmuring when he unconsciously lets down his guard. Ridiculing him in voices that dwell and burrow so deep he can’t even begin to dig them out. The fact that he can’t blatantly declare Chanwoo as his own, creates insecurities he never even believed he had. Insecurities that are cleverly tearing him apart with every whisper and every nudge in the dead of night when they know Chanwoo's soundlessly sleeping.

He openly welcomes all the greed and uncontrollable possessiveness that comes with dating Chanwoo. Try’s so hard to control its rampaging course but it's as if the younger's presence gives shape to this sitting ugly monster within him. Lit its devilish stomach on fire with an itching hunger and he can’t seem to chase that beastly creature away, or fight him off.

When it's just the team and any of them touch Chanwoo for too long or eyes linger on the innocent in a misting haze, he just snaps and becomes this foreign person who's barely recognizable to himself. A rumbling crazy, manic and it always ends the same way. He'll fundamentally take Chanwoo by the hands in a fit of angry anxiety and steal the boy away from the group. Then he'll lock Chanwoo up in their bedroom until he feels the other is still his and he understands how much of a ing terrible routine it has become and understands just how much the team hates him for it.

Why is he like this and why does he keep this needed sunshine from such a grey sky when he knows how much they all need him?

Why?

He's so afraid of himself, of what this inner being is capable of and how far he'll blindly take it. But that alone isn’t enough for him to stop, or strive to change because he loves when Chanwoo's left helpless and upset, even thrived off it. He has this stinging drive to have Chanwoo rely entirely on him and him alone. To be the only one Chanwoo had and the only one Chanwoo felt he could ever run to… and he's about to do everything he can to get it.

Chanwoo’s love is too pure and precious for anyone else but him to hold. A love that is so timelessly intoxicating and it makes him feel filthy, filthy for taking advantage of it. Yet that burning dirtiness prickles like euphoria filled needles and he just can't get enough, or think of giving it up.

“You know how it is here.” He finally responds into the questioning silence and he lays flat on his back, pulling Chanwoo down with him. The Brunette only huffs, kissing sloppily at his collar bones and up his neck before softly whispering “I wish it was different hyung” on his lips.

Yunhyeong hears his sadness, feels it with every soft touch Chanwoo gifts him.

“I know” Yunhyeong finds himself emptily replying. He wishes he could cover Chanwoo from this dark cloud and fill those little holes full of hesitancies with all the overflowing love he has for the younger, but will that ever be enough? Ever be enough to fully diminish all those parasitic feelings he knows live within Chanwoo’s naive head, because he's spent excessive amounts of time personally putting them there. Packing that willing brain full of those required, manipulative thoughts that he uses to control and get the boy doing exactly what he pleases. What he wants.

Besides, he has his own darkness and his own little depression that comes frighteningly knocking constantly on his armoured doors to worry about.

Deep down, he knows a day is coming where Chanwoo won’t need him. A day where he'll wake up to the blaring truth, realize how much of a mistake it was and leave him before he's given the time to even explain. Disappear without hearing that poisonous apology that's stuck swimming in the maggot invested waters of his mind and that's left eating away at the back of his throat when it comes hurling to the surface, trying to force its way out.

That one apology he's certain Chanwoo deserves.

Just thinking about it has him aching to cry and scrape away at the pain with pointed razors, because love shouldn’t come with suffering and it shouldn’t hurt. Every weighted, illogical theory has his limbs itching to run away before the inevitable happens and take Chanwoo with him as his own little prisoner. Keep his innocent, treasured boyfriend sealed away from the entirety of the world and righteously declare him as his own. 

Steal away that ‘one and only’ spot.

He looks up at the ceiling and if only he wasn’t an idol. If only he could be stronger, be less controlling and foolish. If only he could marry this beautiful boy and bound Chanwoo to him so completely, so that he can never leave and would never have a reason to. 

And... if only

Chanwoo has always been the princess and he himself is nothing more then that stone tower keeping him locked away. Soon the robust prince will show up, break him down into crumbled rocks and whisk Chanwoo off his sheltered feet. Effectively defeat all those caging demons with a holy sword and save Chanwoo from him and his confining concrete walls like a true hero should.

When Chanwoo leaves him, and decides to never come back, that will be the day he truly falls apart. When he becomes even more broken than what he already is and it's a maddening epidemic because Chanwoo can’t abandon him like this, he just can't. These concealed screams that endlessly spill on deaf ears, they never stop and he's ready to fall to his knees and pray. Pray for forgiveness and for something that will give him an impossible leverage over Chanwoo.

Something that will make him stay.   

A kiss close to his ear shakes him from that weakening onslaught of negativity and it's forcing his chaotic attention back to the boy laying securely on top of him.

“We should clean up, hyung. The others are going to be waking soon.” Chanwoo is whispering into his ear and he has this urge to laugh because as if the members don’t know what goes on behind the closed door of this bedroom. “Let’s lay here just a little longer.” He's breathily saying and he slowly grips Chanwoo’s thighs to straddle his waist more intimately. It has the younger coughing out a sharp “Hyung” as a shy smile plays on those still swollen still chapped lips and he undeniably adores this boy more then it seems logically possible.

Yunhyeong slightly leans up. He has this rushing fixation to kiss every piece of Chanwoo because this unlikely companion of his, truly is the most precious thing he has ever had and who knows the next time they'll be able to do this. There might not even be a next time and perhaps he’s being selfish even obsessive in this blatant brand of ownership, but he's become committed to such a prolonged role.

He is the villain and maybe there was never any hope for a noble gracious.

Perhaps he’s been upright brain washing Chanwoo this whole time into believing he needs him, he is and he knows that soon enough some greater being is going to punish him for it. Strike him dead for putting those rose-coloured glasses so snuggly over Chanwoo’s untainted eyes and he welcomes fate with open arms. Never shied away form admitting or denying anything, because he does bully and does manipulate Chanwoo like malleable metal in his sinister hands.

It’s essential he be in command of his dear boyfriend and be the dominating ruler, because its become such a twitching responsibility. He was born to be the conquering dictator and born with the greed to be the centre of someone's whole universe and he choose Chanwoo. Chanwoo is wholly his and he's certain he has destroyed the younger with his crooked, exacting nature.

Molded this unreturnable broken being into his very own cherished and demoralized soul.

He slides his tongue along Chanwoo’s bottom lip, praying the youngest accepts his solicit and silent offer for more. Prays that this love they have is eternal and that this boy swears to stay with him until the end of forever, because till death do part is simply too short.

A soft moan from Chanwoo has that sealed gate opening and the granted space between now slack lips is allowing his tongue entrance.

They have always been an unlikely pair.

One that balanced, supported, and used each other in all the worst ways possible. But isn’t that what makes their thriving love story so great? What they are is not phoney and they don’t try to sugar coat reality or pretend to be that perfect couple, because when has perfect ever been fun? They take what they want and what they need to steal so shamefully for themselves and Yunhyeong finds the blunt honesty behind their actions almost admirable.

Chanwoo keeps him incompletely sane and in return he provides Chanwoo with that unconditional, piercing love he knows the boy craves.

An excessively disturbing complex yet every aspect of their ambrosial passion stays so genuine, so raw and it's absolutely the best thing he has ever experienced. Has ever fancied and will positively ever fancy until the day his existence expires. 

They're broken, but some how they seem to weld all these rusted pieces together and it works. Well... they make it work.

Numbing senses, heavy euphoric coated breaths, tingling sweaty skin and a fluttering building tension, it's all things only Chanwoo can provide him with. Can award him. He's already getting lost in those all too familiar sensations and every forbidden pleasure he has become deathly dependant on. However, he doesn’t miss the mumbled forever that's falling warm across his lips in the mince of their heated ataractic room and left purely for primordial senses alone.

And maybe.

Maybe this won’t last forever, maybe they wont last forever and maybe just maybe their fiery love will die out someday. But he can worry about all those maybe's later because right now, right in this moment it's just Chanwoo, himself and their tainted love.

Their consuming, utterly mad, extraordinary love.