Over the past few months I will have the same dream over and over and wake up with my body paralyzed with a rush of  tears and sweat dripping down my face on to the bed. And I would rather avoid that as much as possible. Its as if the world is trying to tape  my eyes wide open so I don’t miss a second of its agony.
I live in an small 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment in the middle of nowhere. We have one Television that sits on a brown table that  could collapse at any moment, the way it moves back and forth with  the lightest breeze. There is garbage and cigarette butts everywhere you look and a love seat in the dead center of our living room. The walls that dark mucky green that makes people want to vomit and the carpet once white now has questionable stains and smells like a garbage dump.
I would do absolutely anything to get out of this place. To find someone to settle down with, and live a normal, happy life. The exact opposite of how our family was. I Just wanna go and never look back, but doesn't everybody at some point in their lives? But I cant..i wouldn’t have anywhere to go and I can't leave my mom like this with her good for nothing husband, so  I decided I would  go to Dara's. Dara has been my best friend since I moved here about 2 years ago. She was the one who talked to “The new kid” when no one else would. She said I looked like her sister Park Shin hye. Her sister had died last year so she took on the thought that it was her job to be nice to me. We clicked immediately. We could be mistaken for sisters, we both have dark brown hair and Deep brown eyes, lips a bit too big but not fake looking and both fairly skinny. Same skin tone except she’s a little paler and my face it more sharp around the edges. We like the same music and both have drug addicted moms and deadbeat step fathers. I'm going to leave eventually, and taker her with me, live out our lives the way we always wanted. As of now. We aren’t living we are just barely surviving. She lives right down the street and we made a promise that when we finish high school that we are going to pack our things and go explore wherever her parents crappy Hyundai small truck takes us. We've been saving money since 8th grade and have about three millions won saved up from car washes to working at the diner down the street. It's not much but it's enough.
Our neighborhood has this one house with flowers outlining it, roses, carnations and amaryllis. The house has a nice clean looking paint job. All snow white and Green grass and fancy fences. The type of house you would describe in fairytales That’s where Dara lives, surprisingly from how nice and perfect it looks from the outside the inside is a wreck and you can hear people screaming and slamming doors most nights. Dara’s 2 brothers Park Sunghyun and Park Chanyeol moved out over the years. Sunghyun ran away at 15 and Chanyeol moved out about a week ago. So it's just Dara, her mom and stepdad now. My  mother was a very caring person. She sacrificed a lot for us, loved us and did everything in her heart to make sure we were okay. Then dad died from a severe brain tumor. It was hard, watching my dad like that but it was even harder for my mom. she was okay for a while..Then she fell apart..started drinking, Smoking and leaving for weeks at time. Me and my brother, Park Jimin, had to take care of ourselves at just 10, I was the oldest. My brother is 2 years younger than me and  I decided a long time ago that I was going to do everything I could to keep him safe since mom gave up on that decision, no matter the cost, he was still the only family I really had left. My mom met SeungCheol a few years after dad died, he was a counter worker at a gas station about a block away. My mom started going out with him and inviting him over almost every weekend, She stopped drinking and smoking and did more for us, she was getting better and everything seemed to be alright for awhile. They got married and it was perfect, but then Seungcheol started drinking and eventually became an alcoholic, not the emotional kind that tells you life advice and how much they love you and what the mistakes they don’t want you to make, But the violent kind, the ones who start bar fights out of nowhere and go off on anything they can lay their dirty hands on. He would scream and yell at the top of his lungs towards my mom for little things like  not having dinner ready, or for the house not being to his “liking”, He would yell at me and Jimin until both of their voices gave out. when my mom tried to stop it she got hurt. The bruises started piling up on her body, she was becoming brittle from broken bones, she lost a lot of weight and me and Jimin had to force her to eat or she wouldn’t even pick up a crumb. The circles under her eyes got darker. The Sleepless nights and arguing for hours on end until she eventually just gave up and let him get his way with her, I had to, once again take control of me and my brother. We ran out of money because Seungcheol spent it on strip clubs and pot. So I had to use some of the money me and Dara saved up to support me and my brother. My mom says we need a father and that’s why she married him and at the time I was okay with that. He was a nice guy when she met him but after he started drinking everything went downhill, it felt like bomb exploded and obliterated everything that used to be. Unexpected and silent.
My brother started to change for the worse when he turned 14, He  started arguing with Seungcheol, he was a fighter about what he believed and stepped in when Seungcheol tried to hurt our mom. He got bruises and broken bones, not to say he didn’t get a few good bruises on Seungcheol, but for some reason he loved mom even when she gave up on us. He began to isolate himself from almost everyone, grew more quiet and saw things no 14 year old should have.. He went from straight A's to C's and F's. Started drowning in the misery our parents put on us. The way our life was became his reality on what everything was like. Everything was war on what was right and wrong for him. He saw too much too soon just like I did, That was the one  thing I didn’t want to happen. I missed my shy boyish brother. But he honestly is still the only reason I'm alive. I thought about death every night just to get away from this and to stop having those dreams but I can't leave him like this. We both block away the reality of this the best we can. We just do it different ways. Very different ways.
                                                          (8:00 pm) Thursday
“Jimin-ah” I said as I knocked on the wall. No answer. “ JIMIN-AH”!.  The music went off. “what do you want”?He said in an annoyed voice.
“Just come here.” I said, getting annoyed.
“why?”
“Just freaking do it”. He walked to my room which was right next to his yet somehow it took him 10 minutes.
He sat on my floor and offered me a cigarette. “You Okay?” I asked. He was looking straight at the ceiling. “Do you really want the answer jiminie?.” I already knew the answer and I didn’t want to hear it but I made him tell me anyways, “Yes nonna, I am perfect, this family is lovely and we have a million dollar mansion. So stop asking. ”.” He sighed and looked at me. His piercing black eyes said a different story. His dark black hair spiked up, His expression had a slight smile hidden in the corner of his mouth and His eyes were watering, But not letting them cry. He was strong when it came to his emotions. He had a sense of humor somewhere in there that got lost along with him and he was  right, we are messed up. To anyone else he would have replied with a muttered “Fine” and walked away.
“You know, you don’t have to be so sarcastic” I always made sure to act okay around him. Never let him see me cry because I wanted him to be strong, too think that I could get through anything and he could too, I never told him my feelings or let him see me at my weakest, I was scared too.
“Nonna I hear you cry in your room at night. I know you don’t like how things ended up, I know you hate that everything Is falling apart and so is this family. Stop lying to me because I know you better than anyone else here. I know you're planning on running away after high school with Dara nonna too. You can't lie to me” He rolled his eyes at me and took a long drag off his cigarette.
Okay, that was the most my brother has ever spoken to me in months. Sure he was a bit a drunk on Whiskey stolen from the cupboards, i could smell it on his breath as he spoke, but it was still something. I took my last puff of the cigarette and then put it out, watching the smoke rise in the air, swirling around in the air freely and then disappearing.
I listened to the arguing downstairs, I Hugged Jimin out of instinct expecting him to just stand there like he always does, but he hugged back. I felt safe, that my brother was back for a fragment of a second.
“Jimin I want you to come with us.” I said as he walked towards the door.
“who is us? And where will we be going?” He stopped at the doorway and turned around
“with me and Dara, I want you too come with us, away from here.”
He had sincerity in his eyes mixed with confusion and excitement.
“I'll think about it” was all he said before he turned and went back to his room.
I was left with thoughts of what could have been, and what was to be, I was scared and hopeful. But at the end of my thoughts laid the reality that nothing would ever be perfect.
I walked towards my bed and layed down.

I went to bed about an hour later. I woke up  with someone yelling in my ear. My brother was standing over me with tears running down his face. “Nonna! Omma is hurt!.” He collapsed on the floor he had a gash on his face and blood dripping down his cheek and falling into a puddle on the floor. I got up frantically and  told him to stay in my room, I ran downstairs. My mom was lying motionless on the floor. Seungcheol had a gash on his shoulder and a blade in his hand.He was breathing heavy and his eyes were dark and crazed like a maniac, Blood was everywhere, I froze where I stood, taking in the horrid scene of the dark apartment.  “WHAT DID YOU DO!” I ran downstairs and right into him, something I would have never done before but a feeling waved over me and I acted. He tried grabbing me but I bit his arm as hard as I could and ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife of my own, tears streaming down my face and my hands shaking with rage. “ Are you really that **** selfish.! Get away from her !” He turned to me and told me to shut up and cleanup the mess. I scanned the room with my eyes, broken vases, glass everywhere, a blood trail from the kitchen to the dining room and the stillness of my mom's chest where it should be rising and falling with her breaths.
“No” I said shakily. I was full of rage, I felt a sensation building up in my arm, something else took over and I knew there was no turning back at this point, it burned and It felt as though i had no other choice but to charged at him, I hit his face and dodged his drunk punches. He grabbed me by my hair and threw me back, I slammed into a table and lost my balance, He Pinned me against the floor and I looked him dead in the eyes, they were glazed over, empty and wide.  he ran a blade across my face. The cold metal against my mouth sent fear rushing through me through me, more than I could ever explain. I felt my pulse speed up and I was searching for my last words. I yelled Jimin’s name and  A sudden change of expression in Seungcheol's face went from powerful to terrified. He fell over with a knife in his back. Jimin stood behind him, tears dripping off him and he stood there shaking. I got up and steadied my breathing,
“Jimin...call 911..Now.” He grabbed the knife out of his back, staring at it, watching the blood drip off the shining silver blade.
“ get rid of the knife.”
He stood there, still staring at the knife with tears and blood running down his face and across his lips. He washed his hands and face and got rid of the knife. I ran to my mom ignoring the pain on my mouth where the blade had cut. I could still taste blood on the tip of my tongue.  She was dead, her chest wasn’t moving and her pulse wasn’t anywhere to be felt. Her eyes wide open and losing the light that always shone in them and her skin turning cold. I closed her eyes with shaking hands, I stood over her for what seemed like forever before I could get myself to get up and move. I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face had a gash on my left cheek and my eyes were black from the tears and makeup, I stood there taking in everything that had happened, my head felt like there was hurricane swirling around in every corner and the walls of the bathroom blurred as tears started to fill my eyes. I was lost, I had nothing but my brother, It felt like my soul was emptying my body, and that would remain was a corpse, and even that would eventually decay.
An ambulance showed up a few minutes after Jimin got off the phone, and asked what happened. I told them he was beating my mom and we did what we had to do. They took us out and cleaned the house up. Police were everywhere and we were bombarded with questions from neighbors and strangers, They asked about the scar on my face.”I got cut on glass trying to stop him. I'm okay” They let us go without question. Seungcheol went to Jail and the insurance paid for the hospital bill, everything else was a blur from then. Child services wanted us put in foster care but since I was 18, After a long argument they let us stay by ourselves.
When me and Jimin got home I put the gun away that I got from under Seungcheol's bed and Jimin and I went upstairs, I slept in his room with him for a few days.
The next few weeks where hard. Jimin's girlfriend broke up with him and he got manic depression but we didn't have the money to get him help. He tried to kill himself and that's when Dara stepped in and got her parents to help out with the money. He got better but his smoking got worse. At least he wasn't dead..yet.
But things always get a little worse, a little more tragic, that’s what my mom used to tell me. But then she told me, “If you’ve been low, you know  you have been high, hold on to that.”
And I did.  And so with that in my mind, I went upstairs and tried my best to get some sleep.

I didn’t get any sleep.

“Jimin open the door, what’s wrong?”
He locked himself in the bathroom, he wouldn’t speak, i heard tears hit the bathroom floor, and the dripping of the faucet.
“Jimin!”
I pounded on the door.
“Go away, just go away Nonna”  he said through short breaths and sobs.
“No, not until you tell me what’s wrong.”
I knew it was useless trying to turn the handle again but i did anyways, with no luck,
he began to speak
“It's” was all i heard, followed by whispering and the sound his foot kicking the wall.
“say it louder”
he raised its voice, nearly yelling.
“It’s all your fault, it’s all your damn fault Nonna, she’s dead and now were here and f*** Nonna just leave me alone” 
i could hear the meaning in his voice. it tore me apart.
“How is it my fault? how is any of this my fault?” i said this in a way that i didn’t mean too, it came off irritated instead of concerned and i questioned if it was an accident or not.

“If you stepped up to Seungcheol more often, if you stood by our own mother, maybe he wouldn’t have done this, you could have stepped in, but you didn’t”
I stood there, silent, then i broke the silence, i was enraged and i couldn’t stop the words from spilling off my tongue.

“My fault? Jimin if you stepped down sometimes! if you just stepped down sometimes he wouldn’t be so mad, he wouldn’t have hit you or beaten mom with all of his anger, you sit back and let it happen, you always have to stand up for something don’t you? you choose every fight there is no matter how small! Stop believing that everything is worth your opinion, it’s not, no one will listen to a beat down teenager with no direction, you’re stupid for even blaming that any of this is on...”

I stopped myself, the tears were streaming down my face, i could taste the salt of them in my mouth, and the trickling of them down my cheek. I had gone too far, i immediately felt regret,
I heard the shatter of glass from beyond the door, and a groan from my brother, i heard walls being hit and more glass breaking.

“Jimin stop, Stop!, I’m sorry i didn…” he cut me off, his voice booming.

“Don’t you dare say you didn’t mean that, don’t you **** dare! you were...you were the only person in this entire city that hadn’t called me that, you know? you never, ever, had the heart to call me stupid, or an idiot,”

I stood there, speechless. I knew what i had said and i left it at that, i had a million words that i wanted to say but none of them would have mattered. i stayed silent.

“Just go,” he said, and i did, I turned my head and walked back to room, never looking any other direction but straight. i felt numb, and paralyzed.

I layed down and the tears started rolling once again. the puddle of water on my pillow grew bigger. I closed my eyes, numb to anything, and fell back asleep, guilt washing over me, never wanting to wake up again.


(3 hours later)

I opened my eyes quickly and sat up, I swear I heard something crash downstairs, Like glass shattering, I sat there and listened, I didn’t hear anything. Maybe it was just another dream. I looked and my Alarm clock, 4:17 A.M. I sighed and looked at the photo of mom by my dresser, It was her wedding photo with my real dad, they looked so happy. I laid back down and just as I closed my eyes i heard another crash. Okay this is definitely not a dream. I got out of bed kicking the blankets off my feet and stood up on the cold wood floor, I walked towards the door slowly, listening to every step I took. I put my hand on the door handle and counted to three as a swung it open, “GOD JIMIN-AH” I put my hand on my heart and looked at him, “Did you hear that?” I steadied my breathing “Yeah you gave me a heart attack”  He looked at me like I just said the dumbest thing he ever heard. “No. I meant from downstairs” I looked at him “It wasn’t you?” “No” I walked out past him and listened over the railing of the stairs. There was footsteps. “I'm going to check it out i'll be back” 'No way, I'm going with you!” I shot him an evil look and sighed knowing he wasn’t going to back down, “Okay fine you check the kitchen ill check the living room, Grab the baseball bat from your room” He nodded and I headed downstairs, The stairs creaked and felt it get colder the farther down I got, The front door was open. I froze where I was and looked around. I walked over to the door and closed it as quietly as I could. I tried turning on the lights but they were all blown out, I heard Jimin walking down the stairs, I turned towards the living room and walked forward to the TV. It was but it was static, I looked behind me and signaled Jimin to follow me. I walked to the dining room and saw something move in the corner and the curtains blew as if there was a breeze. I t