The day of the funeral was sunny. I wore a spring green dress as I had once promised. We always tried our best to keep our promises regardless of the circumstances.

I stopped listening to the man in black and focussed on the black casket that was in the ground waiting to be covered on top with earth. This all felt too definite, too final. He couldn’t be gone. I hadn’t even gotten a proper explanation of what happened. I hadn’t asked, afraid of the answer that I would receive.

All too soon everyone walked towards the rectangular hole that had been made. Final whispered goodbyes with white flowers were thrown into the grave. I wasn’t ready. I swallowed and as it was turn next. I couldn’t breathe. I threw my flower in and without a word I left.

I walked towards his mother. “Eomonnie? I’m… I’m so sorry,” I choked as I struggled to formulate a sentence that could convey everything I wanted to say. I was sorry that he was gone but I would always remember him. He would always be my first and favourite supporter.

After tedious answering of nosey questioners, I left. We drove home in silence all too raw from the loss of a person as close as family. I got out the car, went into the house and entered my room. I locked my door and slid down the door.

“I might have been slow on the uptake but I do catch up, you realise that right?” I questioned my mother.

“So Hyun-ah, he made everyone promise. He didn’t want you to be distracted, he wanted you to succeed and he knew that this was the only way,” my mother explained.

I found myself in disbelief and said, “Oh that’s why nobody said anything really about the breakup because you already knew before it was going to happen! I suppose that my opinion didn’t matter even though it probably affected me the most.”

A distressed look captured my mother’s face and she hurriedly replied, “No So Hyun, we just wanted to respect his last wishes. This affected him too. As much as it did you.”

“Well he’s dead so he’s not feeling anything anymore. It’s still affecting me now,” I said cruelly. “At least he doesn’t have to live with these feelings for the rest of his life. He’s gone, buried in the ground where nothing but nature can touch him.”

I turned and left making sure to slam the door as I went out.

How could he possibly think that he could decide for me? Who does he think he is? Some kind of divine being with the power to choose MY future!?!

I got onto a bus and found a seat. As the bus neared the stop closest to the graveyard where he was laid to rest, I stood up and pressed the stop button. I stepped off the bus and walked towards the entrance.

After walking for 15 minutes I realised that I should have taken a taxi because his resting place was further away and closer to the mountain.

After another 15 minutes I stood in front of his tombstone. I took a deep breath and began to complain, “So you think that you’re some all-being that can make decisions for me? You know what I think? I think that you took the easy way out and that you are a coward for not telling me about being sick. I think that you didn’t MAN UP to just tell me?” I huffed and continued, “Do you know how much I suffered? Do you realise what you did to me?” My rant started to become teary, “It must be nice to not be here to have to deal with the consequences of your actions. I mean like it must be nice to not have to live with the aftermath of a decision that you made!” I collapsed and started crying. 

A warm hand held my shoulder as I cried, I didn’t care who it was but the support felt good. I managed to stifle my cries into sniffles and looked up. It was Joo-hyuk’s mother. I quickly stood up and greeted, “Eomonnie, I didn’t know that you had come.”

She smiled at me gently, “Joo-hyuk told me that you would be here roughly a week after his funeral.”

I blushed and looked down. It wasn’t my intention for her to listen to my mean words.

She lifted my chin, “So Hyun, don’t be sad. It’s okay. If I were in the same position I might even do worse. A few words to get those emotions out is not necessarily a bad thing.” She pulled me towards her and hugged me. It was likely that this was the most she had ever hear me speak, outside of my family and Joo-hyuk I didn’t say much.

We stayed like that for a timeless moment. We moved apart a little and she put her hand in her pocket and took out an envelope. She held it out to me and I accepted the envelope.

“You grew up together and you made many memories together. Try to remember the good times okay? You must come visit all the time as well. It will be lonely in the house now and having a young spirit visit would raise the mood in the house. You are the daughter that I never had,” she said and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. She continued and said tenderly, “I told him that it wasn’t right that he chose to do this but he insisted that this would be for the better. I think towards the end he wished things were different. Please forgive him. He wanted the best for you all the time and I think in this case his need to do that sacrificed both your happiness.”

She looked at the tombstone and then said, “Well I should leave you. It was good to see you So Hyun.”

Now that she had left, a coldness set in. I had left in the afternoon and now the sun was setting. Holding the envelope in my hand I walked away towards the gate.

Once I had reached home I again locked myself in my room. I had rushed in leaving my mom to call after me. I shakily opened the letter and read it. Tears gathered in my eyes. The last line read, “We tend to hurt the ones we love, and I did love you So Hyun, I loved you the most and I’m sorry that of all the ones I have loved in this life it was you that I hurt the deepest.” I clutched the letter to my chest as I came to terms that my only friend had left me behind.