Could it be as amazing as the movies?

                Their second date is at the theaters. It’s at the theaters and they are watching a movie. They are watching a movie and it’s at the very end—just as everything’s ending happily ever after (Junhyung knew it would end happily ever after—it’s a comedy) and the couple is kissing, nothing deep, nothing fiery or burning, just a kiss—kind of sweet, and then the narration closes and the bloopers and ending credits start up.

                It ends just like that with Junhyung still deep in his own thoughts—not quite remembering what the movie was about because he was too busy thinking. He was too busy thinking, his heart was beating too hard, and he was too preoccupied with trying to make sure that the poor organ doesn’t burst out of his chest and land in the popcorn because it would probably be best that Hyunseung doesn’t start wondering why the butter is red.

I’m worried that I might get drunk off that scent

They are changing out of their gym uniforms after PE—changing back into their school uniforms. Yonghwa is trying to help Joon untangle his tie so the track athlete can have some semblance of hope of dressing himself before the period ends, while Doojoon is also trying to regain some semblance of hope of dressing himself before the period ends—which, at the moment, looks bleaker than Joon’s because Yoseob, already fully clothed, seems to find some form of intense amusement in kicking Doojoon’s hip every few seconds just because.

Junhyung has more hope than Doojoon and Joon in getting dressed before the period ends after, like the rest of his gym class, getting too far into the relay races they had to do today and sweating too hard and not having enough time to shower, which means that he’s currently just trying to pull on his uniform without soaking them in sweat.

He’s just mentally applauded himself for getting his undershirt on while Doojoon is still struggling to pull on his pants after falling to the floor for the seventh time from Yoseob’s kicks. He’s just pulled his undershirt on and is looking through his gym locker for his Oxford when he feels something light and soft land on his head—it lands on his head and covers his eyes and then he knows what it is.

Junhyung knows what it is, but he’s not sure where it comes from, so he takes it off his head—takes the towel off his head—and turns around.

He turns around and looks up at Hyunseung, standing over him. “You’re sweaty and gross,” Hyunseung says, pointing to the towel.

Junhyung blinks up at him—blinks up at him with his heartbeat starting to speed up again because even though they’ve gone out (twice—does it even count yet?), even though they’ve gone out a couple of times, he still doesn’t know how to act around Hyunseung during school—during classes, during practice, in the locker rooms. He still doesn’t know how to act around Hyunseung because it’s like having to readjust and he isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do—doesn’t know what he can or can’t do.

“Oh,” Junhyung gets to his feet, towel loosely in one hand. “Thanks—yeah.”

“No problem,” Hyunseung says and walks back to his own locker—stuffing his gym clothes back in, getting out his backpack, getting ready for the end of the period.

Junhyung doesn’t know what he can or can’t do.

But he knows what he wants to do.

He definitely knows what he wants to do as he watches Hyunseung slip his backpack on and Junhyung thinks that it would be perfect to hold the straps up so Hyunseung can just put his arms through. Junhyung watches Hyunseung locking his locker, tugging slightly to make sure it’s secure, and thinks that right then would be the perfect time to throw his arms around Hyunseung’s waist. Junhyung wipes the sweat off his face, breathes in Hyunseung’s scent in the towel, and thinks it’d be perfect if he could’ve wiped Hyunseung off for him.

He gives the towel back as the bell rings and as he watches Hyunseung head out of the locker room, Junhyung thinks it would’ve been perfect if he could kiss his thanks to the other boy.

But what worries me the most

                Junhyung knows that out of the four of them, excluding Yoseob because they’ve only found Yoseob this year—and Yoseob is still kind of a mystery, Joon has kissed the most, while Doojoon’s at least had a few kisses. He knows that Yonghwa has gone out with girls just like Junhyung has—in that playground love kind of way, where it entails not much more than going to each other’s houses and watching cartoons together. Watching cartoons together and not kissing at all—maybe hugs, but never kissing because Yonghwa is saving that for someone else.

                Junhyung was never saving it for someone else—it just never happened—whether because the girl didn’t express any interest, or whether maybe it just never really crossed Junhyung’s mind.

Even though no one will believe me

                He doesn’t know why it worries him all of a sudden.

                Whenever he had new girlfriends, it never used to worry him. It was a maybe-or-maybe-not thing. It never bothered him if this would be the girl it would happen with or not—never bothered him that maybe they were more experienced than him. It never bothered him before, and he doesn’t understand why all of a sudden, it’s all that’s on his mind.

Honestly, I still

                “Maybe it’s ‘cause you really like him,” Yoseob grins.

                Junhyung blinks. “I really liked the girls I went out with before, too,” he says. “And I knew all of them longer than I’ve known him. We’ve only gone out twice—”

                “You don’t have to know someone a long time to really like them,” Yoseob cuts in and from the light that’s suddenly taken up camp in the goalie’s eyes, Junhyung’s willing to wager that right about now, Yoseob isn’t thinking about Hyunseung and Junhyung at all.

                Junhyung grins. “Just for the record,” he says, quieting his voice a little so the librarian doesn’t swoop over them again—he leans forward, “Doojoonie’s kissed before.”

                Yoseob stares at him.

                And then pushes the book Junhyung is reading off of the table.

                The librarian walks over to them a moment later and tells Yoseob that he should be more respectful to school property.

Have never kissed anyone before

                Junhyung knows that Hyunseung’s kissed before—at his dream school, with Kwon Jiyoung. Junhyung knows that Hyunseung’s probably kissed and been kissed thousands of times before—he’s told Junhyung all about Jiyoung, all about how far they went and everything they had. Junhyung knows that Hyunseung’s kissed before and knows that all of them were probably kisses out of movies—with fireworks and lights and stars.

                He wonders if he can make Hyunseung feel that way, too.

Should I tilt my head like in the movies?

                It’s one day after practice—one day after practice when Jaebum has to try-to-not-kill Taecyeon because the co-captain is once again trying his best to hide so he doesn’t have to do the co-captain duties of enforcing field-clean-up because then Wooyoung and Chansung will look at him like he’s annoying and Taecyeon would rather they look at Jaebum like he’s annoying. It’s one day after practice when Doojoon is carrying Yoseob on his back to the locker rooms because the goalie insists that he’s too tired to walk or move or do anything other than eat cake—which he then insists that Doojoon is going to buy for him.

                It’s one day after practice when Junhyung is undoing his cleats on the bleachers because the field is a little bit muddy today and they can’t bring in the caked mud to the locker room because the custodians already have too much work what with Joon knocking over hurdles and destroying the gates. He’s undoing his cleans on the bleachers and trying not to think too much about how tired he is because that’s going to make him dwell on the long night of homework he has ahead of him.

                He’s trying not to think too much about how tired he is when Hyunseung takes a seat next to him and starts undoing his own cleats. Hyunseung takes a seat next to him—close to him, extremely close with their thighs almost touching—and starts to untie his laces. Junhyung has just finished, but he idles a bit, pretending that he still has to tuck in laces, loosen up the sides to get his feet out because he doesn’t want to leave when Hyunseung’s just gotten here.

                He doesn’t want to leave when Hyunseung’s just gotten here—

                When Hyunseung’s just put his head on Junhyung’s shoulder.

                Hyunseung puts his head on Junhyung’s shoulder—randomly, out of the blue, spontaneously, wordlessly with no explanations. He just leans into Junhyung’s side in the middle of taking off his cleats, laces half undone.

                Junhyung wonders if Hyunseung’s heart ever beats at the speed of racecar at moments like this, too. He wonders if he’s the only one who’s feeling all this all by himself. He wonders if Hyunseung can touch him like his so unaffectedly because Hyunseung doesn’t get nervous around Junhyung. He wonders if—

                “I like your shoulder,” Hyunseung says.

                Junhyung breathes in and out. “I noticed.”

                Hyunseung lifts his head (Junhyung’s heart gives a disappointed thud) and looks at him. He Junhyung’s cheekbone with the back of his hand and smiles cheekily, “Your face is funny, but you have nice shoulders at least.”

                Junhyung’s heart is back to contented beats—racing like a bullet train.

How should I breathe?

                “First kisses aren’t special,” Yoseob shrugs. “I mean—they’re just kisses in the end. It doesn’t really matter if it’s, like, the first or the second or the third.”

                Junhyung raises his eyebrows as he scribbles down another sentence. “Really?”

                Yoseob leafs through the glossary in the back of his English textbook. “Yeah—really. It’s more the person you’re kissing. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first time, if the person you’re kissing turns out to be—I dunno—an or something. Then your first time isn’t special, see?”

                The older boy feels his eyebrows automatically go even higher on his forehead as he sneaks a glance at Yoseob’s expression. He finishes the last sentence on his short essay and puts the cap back onto his pen—he’s going to do math next. “Doojoon’s not an ,” he says mildly, casually.

                “I know,” Yoseob says quietly, not taking his eyes away from the pages.

When should I close my eyes?

                “Look,” Hyunseung says, “it’s not like I don’t trust you or anything, but this is usually how psychological thrillers go and I don’t like how they end. Surprises are nice, but being able to see where I’m going is nicer. No—seriously, Junhyung-ah.”

                Junhyung continues to nudge the other boy along, his hands over Hyunseung’s eyes. “Shut up and keep walking,” he says. “I don’t even have my own car—how the would I traffic you?”

                Hyunseung suddenly goes still. “Wait,” he says, “wait—so you are going to sell me?”

                “Oh my God,” Junhyung pushes Hyunseung some more, making the other boy travel a few more steps. He ignores Hyunseung’s continued complains about how Junhyung’s hands are too tight over his eyes and how this is seriously how psychological thrillers go although sometimes action movies about human trafficking also start like this, neither of which Hyunseung would like to star in so could Junhyung please just let him see where they’re going?

                “You aren’t afraid of animals or anything, right?” Junhyung asks as they get closer to their destination—he’s glad that he didn’t get them lost turning this way and that around the back of the school.

                He feels Hyunseung’s eyebrows furrow beneath his fingers. “No—why?”

                “Promise me you’ll keep your eyes closed for a sec?” Junhyung says. Hyunseung nods and Junhyung feels the eyelashes brush against his palms. He takes off his hands and holds the other boy’s shoulders, guiding him a few more steps forward and setting him still. “Okay—just—don’t scream or anything if you’re surprised. Loud noises scare them.”

                Junhyung watches Hyunseung carefully as the other boy slowly flutters his eyelids open and takes in the sight in front of him—takes in the netted gates, takes in the abundance of bushes and trees and water bowls, takes in the two glossy fawns gazing back timidly from the other side of the fence. “Hyori-noona said that our school is just hosting them for a couple of days until they’ll be set free in a national park,” Junhyung says. “Since we have the facilities for them and Hyori-noona is a good friend of one of the rangers.”

                Hyunseung puts his hands on the edge of the fence and leans in slightly. “They’re still babies, right?”

                “Yeah—they’re mom was eaten, I think,” Junhyung says. “So they’re being taken care of until they’re old enough to be on their own.” He watches as Hyunseung reaches out his hand and tries to call them over. He watches as Hyunseung laughs a little when one of the fawns tries to knock the other one into the water bowl. He watches as Hyunseung puts his arms on the edge of the fence and rests his chin on his hands.

                “Why’d you bring me here?” Hyunseung asks, glancing at him.

How long should I do it?

                Junhyung shrugs, hands in his pockets. “I was helping Hyori-noona carry out some of the supplies and saw them, so I asked her, and she said that I could bring you if I wanted. I thought you might like them.” He doesn’t say that it’s because the fawns are beautiful—doesn’t say that it’s because the fawns have beautiful round eyes that reminded him of Hyunseung—doesn’t say that it’s just because he wants to spend time with Hyunseung, wants to show him pretty scenes and sights like this because Hyunseung deserves so much and Junhyung wants to give everything to him.

To be honest

                Hyunseung straightens up off the fence, his uniform untucked and ed, a strip of light green t-shirt showing through the Oxford, fingers clinging to the cuffs of an open, zippered sweatshirt. The hood is laying a little crooked and the drawstrings are wrinkled. One of his loafers has loose laces, and Junhyung thinks every part of him is perfect. “I like them,” Hyunseung says, coming to stand right in front of Junhyung—so close that the tips of their shoes almost touch. “Thanks.”

                “No problem,” Junhyung says, and he doesn’t know how to describe the speed that his heart suddenly takes as he sees Hyunseung’s hands come up towards his face—sees them come up towards his face and then Junhyung can’t see anything else.

                Hyunseung is covering his eyes.

                Hyunseung is covering his eyes, and Junhyung thinks he knows what this is about. He thinks he knows what this is about but then he feels Hyunseung getting closer and now he knows exactly what this is about so he takes Hyunseung’s wrists and pulls the hands away.

You are my first kiss

                He pulls the hands away but doesn’t let go of them because he thinks that Hyunseung should know—he thinks that Hyunseung should know how fast Junhyung’s heart is going right now. He thinks that Hyunseung should know that Junhyung has no idea what to do. He thinks that Hyunseung should know that Junhyung is scared less. He thinks that Hyunseung should know that Junhyung doesn’t know if he’ll be able to kiss like Jiyoung kissed or if he can make fireworks explode in the backs of Hyunseung’s eyelids.

                He thinks that Hyunseung should know that this is Junhyung’s first time.

At the sweetness stronger than lemon

                Hyunseung smiles, and wriggles his wrists out of Junhyung’s hands. He takes his wrists out of Junhyung’s hands and places his own hands on either side of Junhyung’s face, fingers resting just below Junhyung’s jaw. He steps in a little bit closer—so close—and looks right into Junhyung’s eyes, holds Junhyung’s head so that he has to look right back into Hyunseung’s own eyes. “Close your eyes,” he whispers, the smile faded from his face now—expression intent, “and relax.”

                Junhyung closes his eyes.

                He closes his eyes and he tries to relax—he tries, but it doesn’t work—he tries, but it doesn’t work and it doesn’t matter because his eyes have barely finished closing, his eyelids have just met with the bottom rims when he feels soft, barely-there warmth on his lips—so soft, so smooth, gentle and gentle and gentle and just a tiny bit hesitant and it tastes like nothing, just tastes like skin, but he can smell Hyunseung and he can feel the other boy so close—so, so close—and—

I couldn’t move at all

                It lasts just a few seconds—far too short for Junhyung—it’s only a few seconds, and then Hyunseung pulls away and Junhyung opens his eyes. Junhyung opens his eyes and that small smile is back on Hyunseung’s face and he laughs a little—probably at Junhyung’s face. “Good?” Hyunseung asks, looking highly amused and bright and it’s late afternoon so the sun is getting a little bit dim and the fading light is shining against his hair and the strands are glossy like the fawns’ coats when they’re illuminated like that and his eyes are widened and perfect and he’s perfect and—

                Junhyung just nods—all he can do is nod—he doesn’t remember how to do anything else. He wants to tell Hyunseung that good is an insult. That he needs a thesaurus to describe it. That maybe even with all the thesauruses in the world, he still wouldn’t be able to describe it because it can’t be described and told with words. He wants to tell Hyunseung so much, but he doesn’t even remember how to breathe.

                Hyunseung suddenly pats Junhyung’s cheeks with both of his palms, the slapping noise so loud that it startles the fawns a little—startles the fawns and startles Junhyung. “Yah,” Hyunseung laughs. “Get it together, Yong Junhyung. You’re starting to look like Joonie-hyung.”

                “Sorry,” Junhyung says and realizes that he’s lucky sweat hasn’t started to rain from his hands, “I—sorry.”

                “For what?” Hyunseung looks even more amused now, his head tilting to the side. He raises his eyebrows. “Want to kiss me again?”

                Junhyung stares.

                And nods, dumbly.

                Hyunseung grins and slides his hands down Junhyung’s arms, taking the other boy’s wrists and putting Junhyung’s hands on Hyunseung’s hips. “It’s not the first kiss anymore,” Hyunseung says, and steps forward even closer—closer than before and before, in Junhyung’s opinion was already pretty ing close—so close that there is absolutely no space in between their bodies. He looks up at Junhyung, and when their lips meet this time, Hyunseung’s are curved into a smile.

                “Open up,” he whispers.

I promise, forever,

                They are in Hyunseung’s backyard one evening during the spring break of their first year. They are sitting in Hyunseung’s backyard—sitting on the wide wooden steps that lead down from the deck onto the patio. They are sitting on the wide wooden steps, one beside the other, and Junhyung doesn’t know how they got onto this topic, but they are, and Junhyung is curious—he’s been curious for a while, for months.

                Hyunseung is laughing. “That’s why you were nervous?” he asks, and seems intensely entertained by this. “You were nervous because you thought Jiyoung-hyung was some master, serial kisser who, like, made me see fireworks in my head?”

                Junhyung glowers at his sneakers.

                “I don’t think anything that makes you see fireworks in your head when there are no real fireworks happening is a good thing, Junhyung-ah,” Hyunseung says. “That’s, like, mental misbehavior. I think it’s a disease.”

                Junhyung shoves him into the railing. “You’re a disease.”

                “Witty,” Hyunseung says, “So witty, really.” The laughing quiets down a little and Junhyung feels a hand slip into his—he responds with threading fingers and burying his face into Hyunseung’s shoulder. “But,” Hyunseung’s voice is quieter now, “Jiyoung and I never really kissed. Whenever we kissed—it was more like—it always led to something else, you know?” He pauses. “It was that kind of thing.”

                Junhyung doesn’t say anything. He waits for Hyunseung to finish—glances at the other boy. He glances at the other boy, and Hyunseung raises his eyebrows in response, breaking into a half-smile. “So—you know what, Yong Junhyung?”

                “What?” he asks and leans forward, arms resting on his knees, their hands still intertwined—he leans forward and turns his head back to watch the other boy.

                Hyunseung gives a full smile now, white teeth flashing between parted lips. “I think you were my first kiss, too.”

                They look at each other for a moment—gaze at each other for minutes. They just look at each other for a while, and then Junhyung breaks it—he breaks the silence and yanks Hyunseung up to his feet. He yanks Hyunseung up so that they are both standing on the same step—they are on the same step, but then Junhyung goes down a few so that he has to look up to meet Hyunseung’s eyes—Hyunseung’s bemused eyes.

                He looks up to meet Hyunseung’s bemused eyes before throwing his arms fast and abrupt around the other boy’s waist, ignoring the shout of surprise—grabs Hyunseung by the waist and twirls him around—twirls him around and half-carries him down the rest of the stairs until they reach the ground. He twirls and carries him until they reach the ground—until they collapse onto the grass laughing and breathless and Hyunseung’s eyes are still wide and round with surprise and he’s slapping Junhyung on the back because what the —what if they’d landed on the stone path—but Hyunseung is laughing and laughing and he’s tumbled on top of Junhyung and they—

                “You must be screwed up in the head if you think I’m weird,” Hyunseung says, holding himself up on his palms so he can look down at Junhyung like he’s insane. “You’re the one who just almost killed both of us.”

                Junhyung just grins—he just grins and reaches up to hold Hyunseung’s face in his hands, back the strands of hair that’ve fallen this way and that over his eyes—eyes like this should never be covered. “Just trying to prove a point,” he says playfully.

                Hyunseung frowns—confused again. “What?”

                “You said I was your first kiss after all—in a way.”

                “Yeah?”

                “That’s not good enough,” Junhyung says softly.

                Hyunseung blinks. “Wait—why—”

                “I have to be your last, too,” he says, and before Hyunseung can say anything else, Junhyung brings the other boy’s lips down to meet his own.

I’ll kiss only you