The next few weeks were perhaps even worse. Mina started to feel worse every day Momo showed up. She couldn't bring herself to like it anymore, whatever Momo did. Her touches didn't feel the same. The roughness was simply annoying and a bit painful. The mask of adrenaline and love that had usually covered it was gone now, and it only left the scraping of Momo's fangs against her already sensitive skin. One time she even had to cry because it hurt so much. The bruises that formed on her body, the hickeys that were left there the next morning, the soreness off her muscles weren't a result of unconditional love anymore. It only hurt, a lot. She didn't take pride in them anymore, but despised them. Whilst she usually hadn't cared much for covering them up - since there were often too much to cover all - she now tried to pick button-ups and jeans to cover everything up, even when the heath was blasting outside.
But that wasn't even the worst part of that all. Mina could live without , without wanting to be touched. She had never much cared for it anyway, and had only gotten interest when she had met Momo. She could live with only just seeing the blonde from time to time.
The scary part was that Mina could feel herself fall out of love. She could feel that with every second that passed, she felt that she needed the blonde less and less. Whilst she had often day-dreamed about how it would be to have Momo's arms wrapped around her again and her soft plump lips pressed upon hers, she often found herself not thinking about her at all. Sometimes, it even felt as a burden to hear the three knocks on her door. Because she knew what would happen next. They'd have , Momo would leave Mina with an emptiness in her stomach and tears in her eyes, only to wake up the next morning with a saddened heart and a feeling that she either wanted all of Momo, or none of her at all. The wasn't enjoyable anymore, it was part of her day-to-day routine. She could almost scedule it in already. The only thing that variated sometimes was the time at which Momo appeared. But she always did, she never skipped. And Mina actually wished she'd stay away. Because she didn't want to feel sad anymore. She didn't want to be alone at night anymore. She wanted Momo to be close to her, or not at all.

Momo seemed to notice that her lover didn't like her as much as she used to anymore. While she preffered the raw kind of touches, she toned it down to try to make it fit to the brunette's needs. She kissed her longer, more tenderly than she had ever done before. They had once kissed for half an hour straight prior to , but Mina wouldn't budge. Whenever their lips met, it felt like Mina tried to make them part as soon as possible again. When Momo pressed on, the brunette would kiss back, but it felt indifferent. She didn't enjoy it anymore, neither seemed to want her anymore with that burning passion fuelled with her love for her. It almost felt like kissing a doll, something that wasn't alive, something that just did whatever you wanted her to do. It made Momo feel weird in the stomach, she couldn't exactly pin down what emotion it was that played with her heart.

Momo started to drop by less often, which was both a burden and a gift to both girls. Mina found that, now that Momo didn't drop by every evening, she liked it better. There was more time to do the stuff she liked. For months, she hadn't been able to watch her favourite shows, or drop by at Sana's often. But now that she had some extra spare time, she had more time to pay attention to everything and everyone else she loved.
But at the same time, she missed her. God, she missed Momo so much it almost felt like the blonde had personally ripped out her heart. Because she missed her presence, so so much. She stayed up every night, hoping the blonde would appear on her doorstep. Maybe it was even worse than before, because she never knew whether Momo came or not. The emptiness got mixed up with dissapointed, which, perhaps, made her feel even more melancholic. Mina was trapped in a big dilemma where either outcome would make her feel bad. If Momo came by every night, she would be sad because she'd leave. When she didn't drop by, she'd miss her endlessly. Unless Momo wanted to give her her everything, nothing would change.

"What has happened to us, Mina?" Momo sighed, at an evening in early January.
The year had turned into a new one, but Mina didn't feel much better. She usually made this huge bucket list of the things she wanted to accomplish this year, but honestly, she couldn't think of more than 'Make Momo want me like I want her'. Her life revolved around the blonde nowadays. She didn't blame her though, in fact, it was her own fault for letting it come to this.
"What do you mean?"
Mina nuzzled her face into the crook of Momo's neck, exhaling slowly. They were underneath the sheets, still sweaty. It was a familiar feel nowadays. Her arm was draped over Momo's belly, but she was tensed, as if the touch of Mina made her skin burn. She didn't take her arm away though. Maybe she was selfish. She probably was.
Momo stayed quiet for a moment.
"We hate each other," she eventually said.
"I don't hate you," Mina replied immediately. She felt Momo shift her head to look down to her.
"Well, I hate this."
This made the brunette look up. Momo's dark eyes would've blended perfectly with the darkness of Mina's bedroom, if it wasn't for the white in her eyes. Her skin and hair seemed to glow because of the little streams of light that the moon cast into the room. She looked beautiful. Mina wondered if Momo thought she was beautiful too. She caught the blonde staring at her lips more often than not, but she had decided long ago that it was because she wanted rather than love. It meant nothing.
"What do you mean?" she asked again.
"We are not like we used to be," Momo said slowly. "And I think that's a bad thing."
Mina made a sound, which could be classified as a mix between a huff and a snort.
"And you really don't understand why?" she asked, maybe a bit more forcefully than she meant it to be. Momo cocked her head to the left, like a puppy that didn't understand a command. She didn't have to answer for Mina to get it.
"Because we're not robots that can do things without feeling," she went on. "We are humans. Well, one of us is, anyway. And we have got feelings. As much as I would like not to feel, I can't help to. And because my feelings get too strong, this-" Mina made a signed with her hand to both of them,"-is now awkward."
"Then what did I do wrong?"
Mina frowned her eyebrows. Was this really Hirai Momo who asked what she did wrong? The almighty vampire with no feelings? The woman that made her fall for her so hard but pretended not to notice? And not to care? Then why did she ask a question like this? Why didn't she just leave, like always? She always chose for the easy option out. Mina didn't understand why not now.
But if they were going to have this conversation, she was defenitely not going to let her go off easy.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Mina replied softly. She avoided eye contact with Momo, afraid that those big dreamy eyes would make her say stuff she didn't mean. She would soften her words too much.
"You know what went wrong, Momo."
The blonde huffed annoyedly, causing the brunette to look up again.
"So this drama is all because I refused to be your girlfriend?" she hissed. Mina, startled because of Momo's sudden mood swing, backed up a little bit. She blinked confusedly and took her time to think of an answer.
"Yes," she eventually said.
"So it's my fault?"
"I didn't say that, did I?" Mina replied. She suddenly felt very tired, and wished that they wouldn't have to talk about this now. It was a little after midnight and she was tired.
"So it's yours?"
"I'd like to say that it's both of our faults but we both know that it's mostly my fault," Mina sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, her feelings were causing all of this. If only she couldn't just have fallen in love with Mom, then everything would've been fine.
But that hurt. It hurt to wish for that. Because the blonde deserved someone who loved her. Momo had been hurt way too many times, and a part of Mina just knew that she hid herself behind all those walls. If only she could break them down and make her feel really loved, maybe she would love her back.
And she didn't want to get rid of her feelings. Even though being in love with her hurt like hell, it was also a very good feeling. It's scary to know you could give up everything for one person, but at the same time, Mina loved the feeling of it. She liked to fantasize about their lives if only Momo would give in to her. She pictured her holding Momo's hand in public. Going on dates together to the cinema, or just watching a movie at home together. In all the time that they had known each other, they had never even watched a movie together.
Mina got up from the bed. She felt a bit nauseous to her stomach. She wished she had never started this conversation at all. Being still , she got to her closed to get herself some underwear. Some simple shorts, a comfertable sport bra, one of her sleeping shirts and the shorts she had worn the day before. Momo stayed in bed, watching her and every move she made.
"Don't you want me anymore?" she asked sharply.
"I do want you. You know I do," she said softly. Her voice was flattened, she even noticed that herself, so there was no doubt that Momo hadn't noticed it too. She sighed at her own lack of being able to act well.
"You sound like you don't," Momo replied. She got up from the bed now too, seeking her clothes together from the floor. Whilst Mina thought of her answer, she got dressed too.
"I didn't mean it like that," Mina sighed. Momo pulled a face, obviously not content with her answer. She buttoned the last few buttons of her blouse up, leaving the upper two open, so that just a little bit of her s were visible. It was enough to drive a girl mad, really.
"Then what do you mean?" she hissed at her. "Because you really are not making any sense."
With those words, Momo walked back to the living room. Mina hopped after her. Obviously she had pissed Momo off now, and she regretted it deeply that she had started this stupid conversation in the first place. She didn't know what to say. Mina wanted Momo to stay, that they could talk this through, but the words wouldn't leave . She was scared that they would never leave . Whatever she felt was already worth feeling guilty about without admitting it to Momo.
What was she supposed to say? That she was in love? That she couldn't fall asleep at night without thinking of the blonde? That she wanted her to be her girlfriend? Hold her hand, and make her feel loved? That their relationship was in fact deeper than just , even though Momo wouldn't admit so. Mina wanted to cuddle with her, and kiss her good night, and take care of her when she is sick. She wanted Momo to do the same for her. Mina wanted to be reassured by Momo when she was nervous for a test, and be encouraged by her when she had another ballet performance. And even though Momo would tell her she wouldn't be able to make it to the performance on time, Mina would spot her in the audience anyway. She wanted to come home to a surprise dinner, made by Momo, or surprise the blonde with presents and flowers. To count down the days to their anniversary and do something amazing to celebrate it. To maybe eventually ask her to marry her, and live forever with her.
And because she couldn't get all of that, her body has just turned numb. From the moment Momo and she had fought, her body was just numb. She didn't feel how loving Momo's touches were, and didn't see the tortured gazes the blonde cast at her when she turned her back around. Mina had closed herself off and shut Momo out, to protect her own heart. Maybe, only maybe if she would shut her out enough, she would fall out of love with her. And then everything would be okay.
But at the moment, she still was in love. And she couldn't explain everything to Momo just now, because it hurt like hell.
"I can't explain it..." she mumbled.
Momo turned her head around, and squinted her eyes together when her gaze landed on Mina. The brunette turned her head to the ground, unable to look back.
"What do you mean?" Momo sneered. "You can't explain why you suddenly shut me out? Is this all a mindless game to you? If you're doing this just to mess with me then I am going to leave right ing now."
Momo's words hurt Mina's ears. She cringed.
"I am not doing this to hurt you, I swear," she said. Her voice broke down half way the sentence, causing the end to come in a sob. Momo clenched her jaws.
"Then why are you acting so weird around me lately? It's like you're disgusted," Momo spat out to her. Mina cringed again at her words. It hurt her, even though she knew it was true.
"I didn't know you were that affected by it.." she said softly. Momo let out a huff and crossed her arms in front of her body.
"I should really go," she hissed, through gritted teeth. The blonde started to make her way towards the door, but Mina ran after her, grabbing her wrist just before her hand could close itself around the door knob of her front door. Momo turned around to her, shooting her a vicious glance. Mina would've gotten scared if she wouldn't have known Momo for more than a year. Or maybe she just didn't have anything to loose.
"Don't, please," she pleaded, almost crying. Her sight was blurry already because of the tears she held in so strongly. She didn't want to cry. But it was in vain. Myoui Mina was a girl who cried easily, and once more her tears were flowing richly down her cheeks. She saw Momo's gaze lower to her tears. She pulled up her nose in digust of Mina's weakness. She couldn't help it.
"And why not? You clearly don't give a about me," the blonde said in a low voice. She shook her hand loose from Mina.
"Then what am I supposed to say?!" Mina snapped, when Momo again tried to go over to the door. "Nothing is good enough for you! I can't erase my feelings and when I try to make them go away, I suddenly 'don't give a about you'!"
Mina was breathing hard and loud, she was panting. Her eyes were opened widely while her eyes pierced in Momo's. The brunette cursed under her breath and ran with her hand roughly through her hair. It hurt because her hair had gotten tangled over the course of the night. She looked back up to the blonde again.
"And honestly, I don't understand why you're making a scene right now. You didn't want me. You left me every single night without feeling guilty when you knew it'd hurt me. So why are you now complaining that I took my distance from you to protect my own heart?"
Momo stayed quiet for a moment, then huffed.
"I had no idea that you were so affected when I left. Didn't I always come back the day afterwards?" she said angrily. Mina crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"But I didn't want that. I didn't want you to leave and return the next day. I wanted you to stay. To cuddle up with me, and wake me up with good morning kisses and make me breakfast. I wanted you to hold me and reassure me, to love me. But you didn't. So you literally have no right to complain right now," Mina hissed back. She was surprised by her own fury. Maybe it had all been bottled up too long as sadness and pain, causing it to spill out of in anger. Mina didn't want to be mean to Momo. She didn't want to fight. But it frustrated her that she had struggled for the past year with her feelings and that Momo was getting mad at her for protecting herself. That wasn't selfish, even though Momo made it appear to be. She was just protecting her heart from further harm.
"You are asking me something I can't bring up. To not make you attached to me too much, I leave. Is it too much to ask from you that you don't treat me like a pile of ?" Momo replied.
"Like a pile of ? Are you kidding me right now?" Mina said. "So, you want me to go back to the days I adored you? That I spend nights awake thinking of how it would be if only you agreed to stay with me? Or perhaps that my mind was completely occupied with you all day? My heart would flutter when you would kiss me, and it wasn't because I wanted you. I was in love with you, Momo. I still am in love with you. Are you really asking me to go back to that? To have my heart ripped out every night because you just wouldn't stay?"
Momo looked at her in disgust. Her nose was pulled up and her teeth were bared. The tips of her fangs shone dangerously in the faint light that was cast from one of her lamps in the livingroom. Her eyes were darker than ever. Her blonde hair fairer than ever. Mina's heart was beating fast and her breathing was loud and uneven. Fighting with Momo exhausted her, but she wasn't planning to stop until the moment she had said everything that laid on her heart.
"You know, you were much more fun when you weren't in love," Momo spat at her. "Now let me through. I want to leave. As in "'I won't stay with you'."
Momo mimicked Mina's at the end of her sentence, causing a wave of disgust for the blonde to run through Mina's body. Momo pushed her away from the door. Mina stumbled aside, almost losing her balance. Sometimes it was funny how easily she could get thrown off her feet in a room that wasn't the ballet practising room.
She didn't plan on letting Momo get away though. As soon as she re-found her balance again, she raced back to the door. Momo had already pulled it open, but it slammed shut when Mina's body bumped against it.
"Let me through, Mina," Momo said dangerously. Her voice had dropped low, and almost came out in a growl. Mina wasn't afraid though. She knew that Momo would never hurt her, not a single bit. So she stayed in front of the door.
"Or what? Are you going to leave for good?" Mina asked. She felt her eyes tear up again. They started to drip down her cheeks once more. Her lower lip shook. Was she really this desperate to keep Momo here? At this point, she didn't know. She didn't know anything.
"Get out of my way, Mina," Momo said, with a raised voice this time.
"We need to talk this through," Mina replied, in the same raised voice. She let the doorknob go from her hands and grabbed roughly onto Momo's arm.
"Maybe I don't want to talk it through anymore."
This caused Mina's arm to loose its grip on Momo's arm. The blonde shook her off immediately. She took her arm back roughly.
"So you're really going to leave.." she said quietly. Her tears had stopped rolling over her cheeks, but so had her heart. It felt like she had turned into a statue. She couldn't believe that this was happening. How could this be happening to her? Hadn't she given Momo her everything?
The blonde looked at her with a weird expression that Mina couldn't exactly pin down. It was a mixture of different emotions, but most of all it seemed to be pity. Pity and disgust. Mina felt filthy and terrible.
"Wouldn't it be the best for both of us?" Momo eventually said. Mina's heart felt like it was ripped from her chest. Not only was it cut in a million pieces, it was stepped on a billion times as well. If Momo was going to leave her, she didn't think she'd be able to survive. Not a second time... Not for good. It was too much. "Now get away from me, Mina. Or else I will have to use force."
Momo's voice had darkened again. A shiver ran down Mina's spine. She clutched to Momo's arm, desperately to keep her here.
"Get away from me Mina!" Momo yelled. Her voice cracked because of the force she put behind it. With her other arm, she opened the door again, but Mina had locked her arms around the blonde.
"P-please, I'll die if you leave me like this," Mina cried. She was sobbing completely now, and didn't care anymore. She needed Momo to admit that she'd comeback. Mina honestly believed that she wouldn't survive it if Momo left her. Maybe she should've let her go back then..
"It's better if I go!" Momo replied back, with a hint of pleading in her voice. Mina just strengthened her grip and shook her head furiously. Tears ran down her cheeks.
"Go AWAY!" Momo bellowed. With an enormous force she pushed Mina back. The brunette stumbled and fell backwards.

There were two dull achings. One on the side of her head, which appeared first and seemed to be the worst. And eventually, a few seconds later, one at the back of her head. She was just concious enough to feel with the tips of her fingers to her temple. She felt something wet, but wasn't able to see it before she lost conciousneses. She heard Momo scream her name... It was the last thing she heard. She wouldn't have wanted it any different.


Dying was something that was overly exaggerated. In movies. In books. In poems.
People died horrific deaths in movies, by monsters, zombies, nature disasters, or at the hand of someone with a gun.
In books, they died the same way. Poems only told the tormented pain of the people that were their loved ones. You never hear what it's like to die. Mina was able to tell you now.

Dying was very simple. It was like you were slowly fading into darkness. Even when you have smashed your head into the table and your body should be in terrible pain, you could barely feel anything.
Darkness ereased your vision. Your body won't move anymore, even though you'd want to. You can't even lift a finger. You can only think and realize that you are dying. But when the realization hits you, you can't be anything but okay with it. At least, Mina didn't feel a burning desire to wake up again. In fact, it was rather peaceful. There wasn't any pain, even though she reckoned she must've bled much. Her body was limp and numb. Her mind faded slowly, almost as if falling asleep. The last thing she had heard was Momo's voice.


Mina realized Momo had never been in love with her. At least, not the way Mina had been with Momo. She was not able to control herselfself, she was driven by obsession rather than love. Once you're aggressive, you're not idealizing, you're not in love. All that's left is obsession. In Momo's case, it was the obsession with , with knowing your partner would give up everything for you, for liking the fact that you can control someone that way.
Mina realized that too late.

But did she regret anything? She couldn't say she did. Because Momo made her feel everything at once and made Mina experience true love for the first time. Ending your life like that was almost worth it.